Memory Of Light - Chuck/Blair - Chuck POV- [1/1] - PG
Title: Memory Of Light
Author: force-oblique
Rating: PG, PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Chuck/Blair - (Chuck POV)
Spoilers/Warnings: A take on the last Chuck/Blair scene in 2x01
Word Count: 1897
Summary: She needed me to give her a reason?
But how could I when my lips felt numb and heavy with the drug that was being near her, inhaling her perfume?
How could I when my brain felt like a swarm of bees, too noisy and too disoriented to stay silent or find their way out of my skull?
Author's Notes:It's been a while since I last wrote fiction let alone Gossip Girl.
Please be lenient and nice! XD
Dedication: This fic is dedicated to herm-weasley, yourstrulytessa and alaskas-pudge because they love Chuck as much as I do...
Lyrics: Dark New Day - "That's Enough"
Crossposted at@ blair-chuck, gossipgirlfic, chuckxbass, gossipfic
MEMORY OF LIGHT
How hard could it be? How hard was it really?
I could feel my breath hitch at the back of my throat as if all oxygen had been sucked out of the air surrounding me.
And this time it wasn’t just because she was there, her beauty bringing everything to a halt.
This time I think it had something to do with me as well.
As if my being a coward had assumed a physical form and like a thief it stole my oxygen as well as my dignity without allowing me to react.
Everything inside me was rushing, yet there she stood motionless, expectant, her big chocolate eyes on me like she could see right through me, the sole thing that terrified me, the one thing I tried to avoid…
“Please don’t leave with him” I whispered, my voice a plead, my eyes pools filled with liquid grief, trying to put into my eyes what i couldn’t put into words and out of my mouth.
I hoped she would be able to see it in my eyes, that this time it was for real..
That I wasn’t going to break her heart again even if I had the chance. But maybe I was asking for too much.
Too much sympathy, too much compassion, too much of a leap of faith for someone as unreliable as me. All I had given her was pain and shame...
I couldn’t blame her.
Even as my heart shattered, its fragments sharp as nails scratching my insides as they scattered within my being, I couldn’t blame her.
{Hover above my head and call me out
I'm beneath it all
Just a thief caught in the red
Hands dirty from the crawl
Back to an unsuspecting victim
Waiting on a different view
But it's too late now to change It
Wrapped inside, holding tight, to the memory of your light}
“Why?” She asked “Give me a reason...And I am Chuck Bass doesn't count" and I felt my heart drumming inside my chest, as it were a bird trapped within a cage.
"Give me a reason!"
A reason? She needed me to give her a reason?
But how could I; when my lips felt numb and heavy with the drug that was being near her, inhaling her perfume?
How could I; when my brain felt like a swarm of bees too noisy and too disoriented to stay silent or find their way out of my skull?
For a few moments I only looked at her.
{And that's enough for me
I'm better off just to know you
Just stay right here with me
And that's enough for me
Just ask and I will show you
The man that I could be
And that's enough for me}
I could sense all was lost and looking at her intently perhaps could enable me to focus on that image of hers while she still held some respect and compassion for me; because I was certain I was moments away from being separated from her.
Too abruptly, too irrevocably.
Because I was not good enough. Not worthy enough.
If there was a reason for her to stay, it couldn’t have anything to do with me could it?
I had nothing to offer her other than my heart, a scarred little thing, oozing with inexperience of love and a body that existed solely for her but buried in darkness holding on to the memory of light that was our time together.
{They're running from eyes like there's a fire out of control
Saltwater testimony to a feeling in my soul.
Given to me by your tireless power,
Undermining all I've learned.
And it's too late now to change it
Wrapped inside, holding tight, to the memory of your light}
The words came easily.
“Because you don’t want to” I said and I think I wasn't sure that was true.
I don't know if I really knew what she wanted. Or if I was really the best thing for her.
But maybe, just maybe in my god-forsaken and wasted life I would be lucky.
Lucky enough for someone to choose me even when she had other options...
My fair angel just nodded "no".
"That's not enough" she whispered.
Even though she still had feelings for me at last she was seeing me for who I really was.
It wasn't always roses and butterflies.
It wasn't always sweet words and caresses.
Sometimes what she needed was actions too.
Proof that I loved her, that I wasn't going to leave her again.
That the warmth she felt when she got close to me, that my heartbeat getting faster every time she looked at me wasn't something that was going to go away.
I had given her no reason to trust me again. All I did was smirk and tell her that she was mine but that wasn't what I felt. That wasn't what I believed.
The truth was that I held no faith in myself anymore.
Life had taken it away from me and with good reason.
I had destroyed everything good that ever came to me.
I jeopardized everything for stupid reasons and I let my fears take hold of me leading me to places one should never visit if he wanted to lead a normal life or more importantly if he wanted to make a woman happy..
And I wanted to make Blair happy. I wanted to deserve her. I wanted to make her feel certain of me and protected.
"Because I don't want you to" I whispered, my eyes burning into hers so much that i was amazed they weren't set ablaze.
"It's not good enough" she said again shaking her head.
And I was left like this, mouth agape, at a loss for other words. I was never eloquent. I was just cheeky and this time I needed more than I had.
But were words more important than feelings?
Wasn't it significant? The way she felt, the way I felt?
Couldn't we just fast forward through the awkward bit and get right to the part where my hands are tightly around her and her lips kiss me to no end?
Couldn't we just beat the odds, change the rules, ignore everything that is wrong and focus on the love, the passion that was there?
Couldn't we just love each other for ever and ever?
{They're running from eyes like there's a fire out of control
Saltwater testimony to a feeling in my soul.
Given to me by your tireless power,
Undermining all I've learned.
And it's too late now to change it
Wrapped inside, holding tight, to the memory of your light}
"That's not enough"
"What else is there?"
I say hoping she will fill in the gaps, she will put the words in my mouth.
Hoping she will heal my wounded soul...
"The true reason
I should stay right where i am
And not get in the car"
she started and I felt hope rushing through me like a warm wave aimed to fill my heart with tainted pleasure, enough to carry me away like the sea carries ships away...
I stood there still, speechless, waiting for a miracle.
Waiting for her to name the one thing I felt overwhelming my insides.
Waiting for her to tell me that she loved me and all it would take would be to kiss her and embrace her.
All it would take for us to be together...
I could live with that. I could do it. I could keep her safe in my arms and never let her go, feeling her as an extension of my own self and not another person.
A part of me I was missing for years, the part that completed me and made me whole.
But I wasn't expecting her to say what she did.
"Three words. Eight letters."
I already knew what that was. The declaration of love, one I felt but couldn't express or at least put into words.
Because words were easy and deceptive as I had been taught early in life.
My parents loved me, my friends loved me but never saw the real me. They never paid any attention to me. They never cared for what I thought, what I wanted...
"I love you" ...What a nice combination of words... One that gets thrown around a lot like "great" or "awesome" even by people who know nothing about love or have never felt it.
What's so important about that phrase that even Blair and myself should fall prey to?
I love her! I do love her with all my heart but I feel it.
I live it, I experience it every day.
Painfully, unforgettably.
I don't have to say it. I don't have to name it.
I don't have to put labels on my feelings, I just show them.
Maybe I haven't found the right way yet but Blair must know that all this is new for me.
I have never felt like this for anyone else.
And maybe that was my punishment for not having let myself love before her.
Because if I had allowed myself to fall in love before then maybe I would be ready.
Ready for her. Ready to love her and be the one she needs.
The one she wants and trusts. The one she can lean on and never feel alone again.
Maybe then i would know what words i needed to speak to her in order to keep her here, right next to me, next to my bleeding heart.
"Say it,and I'm yours"
There it is again. Happiness, closure so close to me but at the same time so out of reach...because she was pleading for the only thing I could not give her...
Because that was the only thing that I could not even give to myself...
The only thing that I could not even admit to myself. But it was true. I knew it...
I was in love with her. I loved her otherwise I wouldn't hve changed my life for her. I wouldn't feel butterflis in my stomach...
All of them fluttering within me, making me nauseous...
I opened my mouth. i wanted to try for her... I didn't want to be weak or afraid anymore...
"I..."
"I..."
I tried two times, but the words wouldn't come out.
I wanted to scream them to her. I wanted to speak them till my lips became dry and bloody.
I wanted to make these three words our emblem, our soundtrack to the love that ripped our insides.
But nothing came out but the broken words of a fool who humiliated himself one more time.
Her eyes were full of the realization of betrayal and a disappointment that was almost palpable in my mouth like unrefined salt on a wound that would never heal...
And it itched and it burned but nothing was painful enough for me now that I knew that i had lost.
That I had taken everything that was precious to me and watched it crumble in ruins, its ashes the dust I would lie on...
"Thank you" she whispers and her tone makes me understand that she already knew better than to trust in me.
She already knew I would let her down and it hurts even more.
"That's all i needed to hear" I hear her say and her eyes are already somewhere, anywhere that's not me. She can't bear to look at me anymore...
And I know I won't be able to bear to look at myself either.
I take one last look at her. Sho radiant, so vibrant and bright.
So fair. She stands out in the world.
She stands out even more as the world around me gets dimmer and dimmer... Darker, menacing.
And I am left here in the darkness, afraid to let go.
Afraid to give up even if I don't have anything to hold on to...
Not even her or the hope that she will once accept me.
But I am a Bass and if anything I am not one to give up, even for the sake of me...
And in the darkness, she is all I hold on to... My memory of light.
My memory of something better.
That I once had a love and it was mutual.
That I once had a heart and it was beating.
That I once had a soul and it was completed.
That I once had a destiny and it was almost fulfilled..
{Waiting on a different view
But it's too late now to change It
Wrapped inside, holding tight, to the memory of your light}
~ Fin ~
Author: force-oblique
Rating: PG, PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Chuck/Blair - (Chuck POV)
Spoilers/Warnings: A take on the last Chuck/Blair scene in 2x01
Word Count: 1897
Summary: She needed me to give her a reason?
But how could I when my lips felt numb and heavy with the drug that was being near her, inhaling her perfume?
How could I when my brain felt like a swarm of bees, too noisy and too disoriented to stay silent or find their way out of my skull?
Author's Notes:It's been a while since I last wrote fiction let alone Gossip Girl.
Please be lenient and nice! XD
Dedication: This fic is dedicated to herm-weasley, yourstrulytessa and alaskas-pudge because they love Chuck as much as I do...
Lyrics: Dark New Day - "That's Enough"
Crossposted at@ blair-chuck, gossipgirlfic, chuckxbass, gossipfic
MEMORY OF LIGHT
How hard could it be? How hard was it really?
I could feel my breath hitch at the back of my throat as if all oxygen had been sucked out of the air surrounding me.
And this time it wasn’t just because she was there, her beauty bringing everything to a halt.
This time I think it had something to do with me as well.
As if my being a coward had assumed a physical form and like a thief it stole my oxygen as well as my dignity without allowing me to react.
Everything inside me was rushing, yet there she stood motionless, expectant, her big chocolate eyes on me like she could see right through me, the sole thing that terrified me, the one thing I tried to avoid…
“Please don’t leave with him” I whispered, my voice a plead, my eyes pools filled with liquid grief, trying to put into my eyes what i couldn’t put into words and out of my mouth.
I hoped she would be able to see it in my eyes, that this time it was for real..
That I wasn’t going to break her heart again even if I had the chance. But maybe I was asking for too much.
Too much sympathy, too much compassion, too much of a leap of faith for someone as unreliable as me. All I had given her was pain and shame...
I couldn’t blame her.
Even as my heart shattered, its fragments sharp as nails scratching my insides as they scattered within my being, I couldn’t blame her.
{Hover above my head and call me out
I'm beneath it all
Just a thief caught in the red
Hands dirty from the crawl
Back to an unsuspecting victim
Waiting on a different view
But it's too late now to change It
Wrapped inside, holding tight, to the memory of your light}
“Why?” She asked “Give me a reason...And I am Chuck Bass doesn't count" and I felt my heart drumming inside my chest, as it were a bird trapped within a cage.
"Give me a reason!"
A reason? She needed me to give her a reason?
But how could I; when my lips felt numb and heavy with the drug that was being near her, inhaling her perfume?
How could I; when my brain felt like a swarm of bees too noisy and too disoriented to stay silent or find their way out of my skull?
For a few moments I only looked at her.
{And that's enough for me
I'm better off just to know you
Just stay right here with me
And that's enough for me
Just ask and I will show you
The man that I could be
And that's enough for me}
I could sense all was lost and looking at her intently perhaps could enable me to focus on that image of hers while she still held some respect and compassion for me; because I was certain I was moments away from being separated from her.
Too abruptly, too irrevocably.
Because I was not good enough. Not worthy enough.
If there was a reason for her to stay, it couldn’t have anything to do with me could it?
I had nothing to offer her other than my heart, a scarred little thing, oozing with inexperience of love and a body that existed solely for her but buried in darkness holding on to the memory of light that was our time together.
{They're running from eyes like there's a fire out of control
Saltwater testimony to a feeling in my soul.
Given to me by your tireless power,
Undermining all I've learned.
And it's too late now to change it
Wrapped inside, holding tight, to the memory of your light}
The words came easily.
“Because you don’t want to” I said and I think I wasn't sure that was true.
I don't know if I really knew what she wanted. Or if I was really the best thing for her.
But maybe, just maybe in my god-forsaken and wasted life I would be lucky.
Lucky enough for someone to choose me even when she had other options...
My fair angel just nodded "no".
"That's not enough" she whispered.
Even though she still had feelings for me at last she was seeing me for who I really was.
It wasn't always roses and butterflies.
It wasn't always sweet words and caresses.
Sometimes what she needed was actions too.
Proof that I loved her, that I wasn't going to leave her again.
That the warmth she felt when she got close to me, that my heartbeat getting faster every time she looked at me wasn't something that was going to go away.
I had given her no reason to trust me again. All I did was smirk and tell her that she was mine but that wasn't what I felt. That wasn't what I believed.
The truth was that I held no faith in myself anymore.
Life had taken it away from me and with good reason.
I had destroyed everything good that ever came to me.
I jeopardized everything for stupid reasons and I let my fears take hold of me leading me to places one should never visit if he wanted to lead a normal life or more importantly if he wanted to make a woman happy..
And I wanted to make Blair happy. I wanted to deserve her. I wanted to make her feel certain of me and protected.
"Because I don't want you to" I whispered, my eyes burning into hers so much that i was amazed they weren't set ablaze.
"It's not good enough" she said again shaking her head.
And I was left like this, mouth agape, at a loss for other words. I was never eloquent. I was just cheeky and this time I needed more than I had.
But were words more important than feelings?
Wasn't it significant? The way she felt, the way I felt?
Couldn't we just fast forward through the awkward bit and get right to the part where my hands are tightly around her and her lips kiss me to no end?
Couldn't we just beat the odds, change the rules, ignore everything that is wrong and focus on the love, the passion that was there?
Couldn't we just love each other for ever and ever?
{They're running from eyes like there's a fire out of control
Saltwater testimony to a feeling in my soul.
Given to me by your tireless power,
Undermining all I've learned.
And it's too late now to change it
Wrapped inside, holding tight, to the memory of your light}
"That's not enough"
"What else is there?"
I say hoping she will fill in the gaps, she will put the words in my mouth.
Hoping she will heal my wounded soul...
"The true reason
I should stay right where i am
And not get in the car"
she started and I felt hope rushing through me like a warm wave aimed to fill my heart with tainted pleasure, enough to carry me away like the sea carries ships away...
I stood there still, speechless, waiting for a miracle.
Waiting for her to name the one thing I felt overwhelming my insides.
Waiting for her to tell me that she loved me and all it would take would be to kiss her and embrace her.
All it would take for us to be together...
I could live with that. I could do it. I could keep her safe in my arms and never let her go, feeling her as an extension of my own self and not another person.
A part of me I was missing for years, the part that completed me and made me whole.
But I wasn't expecting her to say what she did.
"Three words. Eight letters."
I already knew what that was. The declaration of love, one I felt but couldn't express or at least put into words.
Because words were easy and deceptive as I had been taught early in life.
My parents loved me, my friends loved me but never saw the real me. They never paid any attention to me. They never cared for what I thought, what I wanted...
"I love you" ...What a nice combination of words... One that gets thrown around a lot like "great" or "awesome" even by people who know nothing about love or have never felt it.
What's so important about that phrase that even Blair and myself should fall prey to?
I love her! I do love her with all my heart but I feel it.
I live it, I experience it every day.
Painfully, unforgettably.
I don't have to say it. I don't have to name it.
I don't have to put labels on my feelings, I just show them.
Maybe I haven't found the right way yet but Blair must know that all this is new for me.
I have never felt like this for anyone else.
And maybe that was my punishment for not having let myself love before her.
Because if I had allowed myself to fall in love before then maybe I would be ready.
Ready for her. Ready to love her and be the one she needs.
The one she wants and trusts. The one she can lean on and never feel alone again.
Maybe then i would know what words i needed to speak to her in order to keep her here, right next to me, next to my bleeding heart.
"Say it,and I'm yours"
There it is again. Happiness, closure so close to me but at the same time so out of reach...because she was pleading for the only thing I could not give her...
Because that was the only thing that I could not even give to myself...
The only thing that I could not even admit to myself. But it was true. I knew it...
I was in love with her. I loved her otherwise I wouldn't hve changed my life for her. I wouldn't feel butterflis in my stomach...
All of them fluttering within me, making me nauseous...
I opened my mouth. i wanted to try for her... I didn't want to be weak or afraid anymore...
"I..."
"I..."
I tried two times, but the words wouldn't come out.
I wanted to scream them to her. I wanted to speak them till my lips became dry and bloody.
I wanted to make these three words our emblem, our soundtrack to the love that ripped our insides.
But nothing came out but the broken words of a fool who humiliated himself one more time.
Her eyes were full of the realization of betrayal and a disappointment that was almost palpable in my mouth like unrefined salt on a wound that would never heal...
And it itched and it burned but nothing was painful enough for me now that I knew that i had lost.
That I had taken everything that was precious to me and watched it crumble in ruins, its ashes the dust I would lie on...
"Thank you" she whispers and her tone makes me understand that she already knew better than to trust in me.
She already knew I would let her down and it hurts even more.
"That's all i needed to hear" I hear her say and her eyes are already somewhere, anywhere that's not me. She can't bear to look at me anymore...
And I know I won't be able to bear to look at myself either.
I take one last look at her. Sho radiant, so vibrant and bright.
So fair. She stands out in the world.
She stands out even more as the world around me gets dimmer and dimmer... Darker, menacing.
And I am left here in the darkness, afraid to let go.
Afraid to give up even if I don't have anything to hold on to...
Not even her or the hope that she will once accept me.
But I am a Bass and if anything I am not one to give up, even for the sake of me...
And in the darkness, she is all I hold on to... My memory of light.
My memory of something better.
That I once had a love and it was mutual.
That I once had a heart and it was beating.
That I once had a soul and it was completed.
That I once had a destiny and it was almost fulfilled..
{Waiting on a different view
But it's too late now to change It
Wrapped inside, holding tight, to the memory of your light}
~ Fin ~