Forgiven/Far Beneath The Skin - John,Sam, Dean (John POV) - [1/1]
Title: Forgiven/Far Beneath The Skin
Author: force-oblique
Rating: Gen, PG-13
Disclaimer: All Characters belong to the "Kripke"! XD
Characters/Pairings: John, Dean, Sam - John POV
Spoilers/Warnings: Throughout the seasons, mostly 2x01,2x02 and season 3.
Word Count:2.329
Summary:...I have spent a whole life fighting and chasing away evil.Fighting the battles that no one else would or could.
I got so close to darkness that it may have engulfed me long before there was no heartbeat in my chest and no warmth in my body...
Maybe I was meant to end up in hell...But was Dean meant to end up here just like me?
Author's Notes:This is probably due to sleeplessness and anxiety- I have been suffering from it lately...
But I miss John and thinking both of John and Dean in hell was both "hot" and sad! XD
Lyrics: Forgiven by Within Temptation
- English is not my native language so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes! Believe me that’s a given…
Dedication: This fic is dedicated to:
define-serenity,ghost-goodthing and shawnawitter
They all know why! XD
Crossposted at daysofthereaper,sn-fic, spn-gen , wincest-free, the-backroads, papawinchester,spn-fics, winchesterfic, spn-fanfics,moon-hunters
Forgiven
I am in the dark. In the utter, complete darkness that is reserved for the damned.
The Darkness of Hell is my home. It's been my home for the last year.
Officially that is, because I have unofficially been in Hell ever since I lost her. My Mary... My wife…
{Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Time has passed you by}
So yes, Darkness is my home. But not just because I am in hell. Not in body anyways.
It's because in my heart, I have been there since 1983.
Isn't that a paradox?
In some sort of way it is as tragic as it is ironic. I could both laugh and cry at the same time.
But in some way, you could say it’s okay.
After all, it was my choice to end up there so early. But I have no doubt that this is where I would end up anyways.
But it’s not okay, because it’s not only about me. I think I have unwillingly dragged with me the ones I love most in the world. My sons, Dean and Sam.
Harshly, abruptly, traumatically...
They were only babies when Mary was taken from us.
Watching her in flames pinned to the ceiling was a sight you can’t forget.
It’s something that stays with you always, no matter how many years or decades pass you by.
Oh yes, your wife ablaze is something a few people can bear to see and remain sane and I’m afraid I wasn’t one of them.
For years I didn’t question my sanity. Perhaps I should have, but the only thing I questioned was my faith, the existence or god, a God that allowed for such things to happen and my ability to battle evil.
Come to think of it now, I think I was obsessed with evil. So much obsessed that I didn’t recognize or accept that I was putting my sons in danger or myself.
You could even say I didn’t care.
All I wanted to do was break down and cry.
Lie down, curled up like an little child and never get up.
Just stay there in the hope that nothing else, nothing so horrible could or would come my way anymore.
I felt guilty and alone. Cut out from anyone and so ashamed of myself.
I should have done something.
I should have been faster, stronger, more decisive.
Even if it meant the death of me. Because at least I would die gloriously, fighting and I wouldn’t live in shame.
I would be with her.
With her always just like I had promised on our wedding day.
{You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that´s done´s forgiven
You´ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that´s done´s forgiven}
I am a small man. An unimportant one.
When I died there were few people who remembered me and a few who thanked me every day in their prayers.
I have been a father, a husband, a friend and a hunter, but I haven’t been great as any of them.
So, yes I am an unimportant man.
The skies didn’t cry or fall down when I died, the earth wasn’t shattered, but still I believed I was a man of my word and disappointing Mary and my sons like that cuts me like a knife deep inside my chest.
A lot of people think I was and still am strong, but I am not. I have never been strong.
I think no one realizes that it was all an act.
I had already shamed myself.
I couldn’t save my wife and so she died in agony right in front of my eyes, right in front of Dean’s eyes. I couldn’t shelter him.
{Oh, for so long I´ve tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn´t face the freedom on your own
Here I am left in silence}
I was frozen. But brave though I wasn’t, I wasn’t a despicable man.
Even though all I wanted to do was die, I had more than myself to think about.
My boys. Two boys who would have no one to turn to if I left them, if I turned my back on them choosing the easy way out… Death…
So I stayed behind and living in shame and with the knowledge that the safety of humanity was just a joke, almost got me insane.
I could not think straight anymore.
My life or this charade I called my life revolved around evil.
I wanted to pluck it out from earth as if it were a weed.
A useless, powerless weed that plagued the “crops” of humanity, our hopes and dreams and goodness.
What i didn’t know was that evil wasn’t as small and powerless. It wasn’t a weed.
It was more like the air we breathe, in and out till it got us rotten from the inside out without us realizing it.
I knew it was too big for me too insurmountable but it helped keep me busy, keep me occupied so that I wouldn’t think.
If I spent time thinking I would perish on the spot.
I wasn’t just the threat of evil it was more me having given up. And I couldn’t have my boys know.
I couldn’t have them know that I wished for my death every single day.
When I told them good morning, when we had lunch, when I tucked them in at night…
But I gritted my teeth and swore that I wouldn’t be defeated. I wouldn’t give up just yet.
But was close to that.
So I yelled at my boys and pushed them. Too far.
I taught them how to be strong, really strong and brave though I wasn’t.
I taught them how to use guns and kill with them.
I taught them how to use knives ad how to fight with their bodies.
I taught them how to fend for themselves for all the times I wouldn’t be near.
How to con and trick and lie in order to get what they needed.
I taught them how to act and pretend because I was a master at that.
I pretended every day that I was the brave, selfless man that they thought I was, even though I felt as small as they were.
As defenseless as they were.
And while I did that, I kept praying and asking for Mary’s forgiveness.
”Are you there Mary? Can you hear me?” I would ask.
”Do you still love me? After everything I have done? After everything I failed to do?
Would you take me back my love?
Am I still worthy of your respect and affection?
Am I forgiven yet?”
But no answer ever came and I was left to wonder if I was scarred far beneath the skin and if those scars, the invisible ones, went too deep, piercing right through the fabric of my soul, tearing it apart, my god-granted divinity spilled, so much that no one would accept me, nor heaven neither hell and I would remain there in this world, a shell with no substance.
{Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Time has passed you by}
But I would be of no use to my boys then and I didn’t want that.
I needed to believe that I was good for something.
That if I tried hard enough, if I sacrificed more of me there would be a slight chance that I would be forgiven, that I would finally truly become the man I pretended to be.
{I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can´t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away}
I knew it was unlikely but I still held hope.
It’s hard not to keep hope when two pairs of eyes, green like Mary’s looked up at you as if you were not just their father but a hero.
Such innocent eyes could not but be able to see through you and maybe just maybe I was honestly a hero inside.
Or if I wasn’t, it was still okay because there was someone in this world who believed in me.
And maybe that someone knew better because he had seen far beneath the skin…
But what kind of hero would I be if I wasn’t close to my sons, if I didn’t keep an eye on them, despite the fact that they were strong and resilient now.
Because they had something I never had.
They had one another, a sibling. Someone who would do anything for them. It was true; they would die for each other.
I admired that and I was grateful for it, because I was certain that if I let go, if I disappeared they would be safe.
But then an evil trick tore us apart. We were left in a hospital and in a bad shape with Dean on the verge of dying.
When I saw him on that bed so frail and pale and small, I couldn’t take it.
This would be the second time that death and evil would steal someone away from me and I couldn’t accept it.
{I´ve been so lost since you´ve gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?}
If anyone deserved to die it wasn’t Dean, it was me.
Only me; for everything I had allowed to happen, for everything I had put them through, depriving them of a normal life, denying them the illusion of safety and frivolousness that covered all other children their age.
Yes I had made sure that they had grown to be men, robust, assertive, efficient but I never made sure that they knew what true happiness and normality was and in that sense they were incomplete.
I regret that now but its too late. I was too late. Story of my life…
There was only one more thing I could do and I did it. Without blinking, doubting or second guessing.
I offered my soul and my life up to the yellow-eyed demon so that Dean would be spared.
It wasn’t his time to die, it couldn’t be. It wasn’t fair.
{
Oh, for so long I´ve tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn´t face the freedom on your own
And here I am left in silence}
He didn’t deserve to die.
He wouldn’t be In danger to begin with if it weren’t for me.
I dragged him in this kind of life, reckless and perilous and I caused him to die.
It was my fault, my responsibility and I loved him too much to back down.
I knew he would cry for me, he would probably be angry too but at least he would be alive to do so.
And if I had failed him as a father, if I had failed to show him the love he so needed, at least then he would know that I adored him and Sam.
But like a worm, doubt crawls its way into my heart sometimes.
Was it really me sacrificing myself?
Was it really merely an act of love or was it just me being a coward?
Was this really the chance I had been waiting for to let go, give up this existence and die?
Was it me giving up like I was initially planning to? Does it matter why I did it?
Would that subtract from my act’s value?
Have I the right to ask now:
”Am I forgiven yet? Am I forgiven Mary?
Am I forgiven Dean for everything I failed to provide you with? Protection, guidance, love?
And am I forgiven Sam? For depriving you of your mother and your brother? For depriving you of your family?
Am I forgiven for everything I put you through and everything I placed upon you?
Was I right in warning you about the evil inside you when it was me the one who caused the biggest, gravest harm on this family?”
{You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that´s done´s forgiven
You´ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that´s done´s forgiven}
I know Dean loves you.
He proved that when he sold his soul for you.
And you should have no doubt.
Dean loved his life, so it was a bigger sacrifice than the one I made.
I don’t think life meant as much to me. Not after losing her.
I only stayed for you, but I left when you were strong enough to live on your own. It’s not because I don’t love you, because I do.
Both heaven and hell know by now how much you mean to me and how chained as I am and tortured here in hell, the thought of both of you is still the light in my darkness.
It’s growing dimmer like a candle but it’s always there.
But you need to understand Sam.
I have spent 25 years, a whole life fighting evil.
Fighting the battles that no one else would or could.
Oh yes I had dedicated my life to chasing away the evil that pestered us, but in reality I was chasing after it.
By definition chasing away something sometimes involves going after it, following it and that I did.
I got so close to evil to darkness that it may have engulfed me long before I ended up in hell.
Long before there was no heartbeat in my chest and no warmth in my body.
{I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can´t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away}
Maybe then, it was a rational conclusion.
Maybe I was meant to end up in hell.
Maybe I was meant to be locked up in here and tortured like an animal that refuses to obey its cruel master.
But was Dean meant to end up here just like me?
Do I even entertain the thought of my son, my own flesh and blood facing the same fate and anguish that I have?
No!
I can’t even think of the moment when we will meet- because we will meet- each other both reduced to a state of primitive brutality, beyond repair.
The moment at which reduced to mindless, violent and blood-thirsty demons, black eyes staring into black eyes we will recognize each other.
If that happens Sam, if Dean becomes evil, a demon just like I will be, I will never forgive myself.
I’d rather attack you and have you kill me, vanquish me without letting you know who I really am.
That’s what I deserve and that’s what I will get eventually.
{I´ve been so lost since you´ve gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?}
But please for the love of god and everything that’s sacred, if you ever give up on me or forget me, I beg you to never forget or give up on your brother.
Because if that happens, there will be no turning back, Sam.
We will really, truly be damned forever, each and every one of us and then I will never have the right to ask again:
Am I forgiven yet? How much more do I have to sacrifice?
~ Fin ~
If you liked this, other fictions are:
1)Hades'Gates - [1]
2)Bleed The Skies - [1/1]
2)This Is How You Fall - [1], [2]
3)A Shell - Running On Hope - [1]
4)The Other Side - [1]
5)Triptych - A Lilith, Dean/Sam/Ruby Fic - [1/?]
Author: force-oblique
Rating: Gen, PG-13
Disclaimer: All Characters belong to the "Kripke"! XD
Characters/Pairings: John, Dean, Sam - John POV
Spoilers/Warnings: Throughout the seasons, mostly 2x01,2x02 and season 3.
Word Count:2.329
Summary:...I have spent a whole life fighting and chasing away evil.Fighting the battles that no one else would or could.
I got so close to darkness that it may have engulfed me long before there was no heartbeat in my chest and no warmth in my body...
Maybe I was meant to end up in hell...But was Dean meant to end up here just like me?
Author's Notes:This is probably due to sleeplessness and anxiety- I have been suffering from it lately...
But I miss John and thinking both of John and Dean in hell was both "hot" and sad! XD
Lyrics: Forgiven by Within Temptation
- English is not my native language so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes! Believe me that’s a given…
Dedication: This fic is dedicated to:
define-serenity,ghost-goodthing and shawnawitter
They all know why! XD
Crossposted at daysofthereaper,sn-fic, spn-gen , wincest-free, the-backroads, papawinchester,spn-fics, winchesterfic, spn-fanfics,moon-hunters
Forgiven
I am in the dark. In the utter, complete darkness that is reserved for the damned.
The Darkness of Hell is my home. It's been my home for the last year.
Officially that is, because I have unofficially been in Hell ever since I lost her. My Mary... My wife…
{Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Time has passed you by}
So yes, Darkness is my home. But not just because I am in hell. Not in body anyways.
It's because in my heart, I have been there since 1983.
Isn't that a paradox?
In some sort of way it is as tragic as it is ironic. I could both laugh and cry at the same time.
But in some way, you could say it’s okay.
After all, it was my choice to end up there so early. But I have no doubt that this is where I would end up anyways.
But it’s not okay, because it’s not only about me. I think I have unwillingly dragged with me the ones I love most in the world. My sons, Dean and Sam.
Harshly, abruptly, traumatically...
They were only babies when Mary was taken from us.
Watching her in flames pinned to the ceiling was a sight you can’t forget.
It’s something that stays with you always, no matter how many years or decades pass you by.
Oh yes, your wife ablaze is something a few people can bear to see and remain sane and I’m afraid I wasn’t one of them.
For years I didn’t question my sanity. Perhaps I should have, but the only thing I questioned was my faith, the existence or god, a God that allowed for such things to happen and my ability to battle evil.
Come to think of it now, I think I was obsessed with evil. So much obsessed that I didn’t recognize or accept that I was putting my sons in danger or myself.
You could even say I didn’t care.
All I wanted to do was break down and cry.
Lie down, curled up like an little child and never get up.
Just stay there in the hope that nothing else, nothing so horrible could or would come my way anymore.
I felt guilty and alone. Cut out from anyone and so ashamed of myself.
I should have done something.
I should have been faster, stronger, more decisive.
Even if it meant the death of me. Because at least I would die gloriously, fighting and I wouldn’t live in shame.
I would be with her.
With her always just like I had promised on our wedding day.
{You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that´s done´s forgiven
You´ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that´s done´s forgiven}
I am a small man. An unimportant one.
When I died there were few people who remembered me and a few who thanked me every day in their prayers.
I have been a father, a husband, a friend and a hunter, but I haven’t been great as any of them.
So, yes I am an unimportant man.
The skies didn’t cry or fall down when I died, the earth wasn’t shattered, but still I believed I was a man of my word and disappointing Mary and my sons like that cuts me like a knife deep inside my chest.
A lot of people think I was and still am strong, but I am not. I have never been strong.
I think no one realizes that it was all an act.
I had already shamed myself.
I couldn’t save my wife and so she died in agony right in front of my eyes, right in front of Dean’s eyes. I couldn’t shelter him.
{Oh, for so long I´ve tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn´t face the freedom on your own
Here I am left in silence}
I was frozen. But brave though I wasn’t, I wasn’t a despicable man.
Even though all I wanted to do was die, I had more than myself to think about.
My boys. Two boys who would have no one to turn to if I left them, if I turned my back on them choosing the easy way out… Death…
So I stayed behind and living in shame and with the knowledge that the safety of humanity was just a joke, almost got me insane.
I could not think straight anymore.
My life or this charade I called my life revolved around evil.
I wanted to pluck it out from earth as if it were a weed.
A useless, powerless weed that plagued the “crops” of humanity, our hopes and dreams and goodness.
What i didn’t know was that evil wasn’t as small and powerless. It wasn’t a weed.
It was more like the air we breathe, in and out till it got us rotten from the inside out without us realizing it.
I knew it was too big for me too insurmountable but it helped keep me busy, keep me occupied so that I wouldn’t think.
If I spent time thinking I would perish on the spot.
I wasn’t just the threat of evil it was more me having given up. And I couldn’t have my boys know.
I couldn’t have them know that I wished for my death every single day.
When I told them good morning, when we had lunch, when I tucked them in at night…
But I gritted my teeth and swore that I wouldn’t be defeated. I wouldn’t give up just yet.
But was close to that.
So I yelled at my boys and pushed them. Too far.
I taught them how to be strong, really strong and brave though I wasn’t.
I taught them how to use guns and kill with them.
I taught them how to use knives ad how to fight with their bodies.
I taught them how to fend for themselves for all the times I wouldn’t be near.
How to con and trick and lie in order to get what they needed.
I taught them how to act and pretend because I was a master at that.
I pretended every day that I was the brave, selfless man that they thought I was, even though I felt as small as they were.
As defenseless as they were.
And while I did that, I kept praying and asking for Mary’s forgiveness.
”Are you there Mary? Can you hear me?” I would ask.
”Do you still love me? After everything I have done? After everything I failed to do?
Would you take me back my love?
Am I still worthy of your respect and affection?
Am I forgiven yet?”
But no answer ever came and I was left to wonder if I was scarred far beneath the skin and if those scars, the invisible ones, went too deep, piercing right through the fabric of my soul, tearing it apart, my god-granted divinity spilled, so much that no one would accept me, nor heaven neither hell and I would remain there in this world, a shell with no substance.
{Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Time has passed you by}
But I would be of no use to my boys then and I didn’t want that.
I needed to believe that I was good for something.
That if I tried hard enough, if I sacrificed more of me there would be a slight chance that I would be forgiven, that I would finally truly become the man I pretended to be.
{I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can´t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away}
I knew it was unlikely but I still held hope.
It’s hard not to keep hope when two pairs of eyes, green like Mary’s looked up at you as if you were not just their father but a hero.
Such innocent eyes could not but be able to see through you and maybe just maybe I was honestly a hero inside.
Or if I wasn’t, it was still okay because there was someone in this world who believed in me.
And maybe that someone knew better because he had seen far beneath the skin…
But what kind of hero would I be if I wasn’t close to my sons, if I didn’t keep an eye on them, despite the fact that they were strong and resilient now.
Because they had something I never had.
They had one another, a sibling. Someone who would do anything for them. It was true; they would die for each other.
I admired that and I was grateful for it, because I was certain that if I let go, if I disappeared they would be safe.
But then an evil trick tore us apart. We were left in a hospital and in a bad shape with Dean on the verge of dying.
When I saw him on that bed so frail and pale and small, I couldn’t take it.
This would be the second time that death and evil would steal someone away from me and I couldn’t accept it.
{I´ve been so lost since you´ve gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?}
If anyone deserved to die it wasn’t Dean, it was me.
Only me; for everything I had allowed to happen, for everything I had put them through, depriving them of a normal life, denying them the illusion of safety and frivolousness that covered all other children their age.
Yes I had made sure that they had grown to be men, robust, assertive, efficient but I never made sure that they knew what true happiness and normality was and in that sense they were incomplete.
I regret that now but its too late. I was too late. Story of my life…
There was only one more thing I could do and I did it. Without blinking, doubting or second guessing.
I offered my soul and my life up to the yellow-eyed demon so that Dean would be spared.
It wasn’t his time to die, it couldn’t be. It wasn’t fair.
{
Oh, for so long I´ve tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn´t face the freedom on your own
And here I am left in silence}
He didn’t deserve to die.
He wouldn’t be In danger to begin with if it weren’t for me.
I dragged him in this kind of life, reckless and perilous and I caused him to die.
It was my fault, my responsibility and I loved him too much to back down.
I knew he would cry for me, he would probably be angry too but at least he would be alive to do so.
And if I had failed him as a father, if I had failed to show him the love he so needed, at least then he would know that I adored him and Sam.
But like a worm, doubt crawls its way into my heart sometimes.
Was it really me sacrificing myself?
Was it really merely an act of love or was it just me being a coward?
Was this really the chance I had been waiting for to let go, give up this existence and die?
Was it me giving up like I was initially planning to? Does it matter why I did it?
Would that subtract from my act’s value?
Have I the right to ask now:
”Am I forgiven yet? Am I forgiven Mary?
Am I forgiven Dean for everything I failed to provide you with? Protection, guidance, love?
And am I forgiven Sam? For depriving you of your mother and your brother? For depriving you of your family?
Am I forgiven for everything I put you through and everything I placed upon you?
Was I right in warning you about the evil inside you when it was me the one who caused the biggest, gravest harm on this family?”
{You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that´s done´s forgiven
You´ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that´s done´s forgiven}
I know Dean loves you.
He proved that when he sold his soul for you.
And you should have no doubt.
Dean loved his life, so it was a bigger sacrifice than the one I made.
I don’t think life meant as much to me. Not after losing her.
I only stayed for you, but I left when you were strong enough to live on your own. It’s not because I don’t love you, because I do.
Both heaven and hell know by now how much you mean to me and how chained as I am and tortured here in hell, the thought of both of you is still the light in my darkness.
It’s growing dimmer like a candle but it’s always there.
But you need to understand Sam.
I have spent 25 years, a whole life fighting evil.
Fighting the battles that no one else would or could.
Oh yes I had dedicated my life to chasing away the evil that pestered us, but in reality I was chasing after it.
By definition chasing away something sometimes involves going after it, following it and that I did.
I got so close to evil to darkness that it may have engulfed me long before I ended up in hell.
Long before there was no heartbeat in my chest and no warmth in my body.
{I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can´t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away}
Maybe then, it was a rational conclusion.
Maybe I was meant to end up in hell.
Maybe I was meant to be locked up in here and tortured like an animal that refuses to obey its cruel master.
But was Dean meant to end up here just like me?
Do I even entertain the thought of my son, my own flesh and blood facing the same fate and anguish that I have?
No!
I can’t even think of the moment when we will meet- because we will meet- each other both reduced to a state of primitive brutality, beyond repair.
The moment at which reduced to mindless, violent and blood-thirsty demons, black eyes staring into black eyes we will recognize each other.
If that happens Sam, if Dean becomes evil, a demon just like I will be, I will never forgive myself.
I’d rather attack you and have you kill me, vanquish me without letting you know who I really am.
That’s what I deserve and that’s what I will get eventually.
{I´ve been so lost since you´ve gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?}
But please for the love of god and everything that’s sacred, if you ever give up on me or forget me, I beg you to never forget or give up on your brother.
Because if that happens, there will be no turning back, Sam.
We will really, truly be damned forever, each and every one of us and then I will never have the right to ask again:
Am I forgiven yet? How much more do I have to sacrifice?
~ Fin ~
If you liked this, other fictions are:
1)Hades'Gates - [1]
2)Bleed The Skies - [1/1]
2)This Is How You Fall - [1], [2]
3)A Shell - Running On Hope - [1]
4)The Other Side - [1]
5)Triptych - A Lilith, Dean/Sam/Ruby Fic - [1/?]