2007: The Blade That Was Broken
I finally forced myself to go back through the archives of this journal and set my memories in order. It's funny how twisted and misremembered some of the events had become: I commented with such wonder at no longer being bound to an ever-present sense of what was about to happen--and what would supposedly happen in the further future; it was a time of joy, not pain, when I finally proved my abilities to my parents; and I wondered back then what future had been destroyed by my choices.
I do not regret the place that those choices and actions have brought me to. But the job is not yet finished.
2007 was a good year. Like 1997, and 1987 before it, 2007 was a year of profound change. The past has been swept away, and the last remnants of a destroyed future have been left behind. I spent most of this year being tormented by the needs of the heart, tossed to and fro upon the stormy seas of love. I knew heights of joy and glory unimagined in previous years...and I sank to the crushing black abyss of deepest despair. But I also saw the closure of another chapter in my life and the dawning of a new one. I have left love behind, and now strike out to reforge the battered shards of my existence.
It's not going to be an easy road to walk. As I should have from the very beginning, I will walk it alone. Love is a dreadful bond, good for little but sating a biological need--for the spiritual need is impossible to fulfill. There is no good woman who has seen the things I have seen; no faithful woman who needs a wretch such as I am and would be willing to see me through to a time when I am restored. My heart has been hardened by the grim reality that my ideal does not exist. There are only phantoms and illusions when dealing with love--it is a spell, easily broken.
But I would rather be alone than settle. I would rather walk this grim road in solitude than waste my love on someone less than an equal.
So, my future self, look back on this moment with pride: back when I stood fearless once more in the face of eternity. I do not need the love of a woman to stand tall and shake the heavens--no more. I do not need companionship to become something better than I otherwise would have been. I will master myself completely before this chapter of my life is through. Only then will I have set right what once went so tragically wrong.
My thoughts are my own. The future is mine to forge. And these choices, these decisions, it does not matter if they were predetermined or fated to occur. They are mine and no one else's. As long as I take responsibility for them, I own them. I gambled with the edge of the coin, the impossible outcome, and yet here I am. So remember, my future self, it's not over yet. The blade was broken, but I held on to all the pieces. I've reassembled them, and I have had a glimpse into what I can be when they are whole again.
It's time to forge them into what I want them to be, not what I was told they should have been.
"From the ashes, a fire shall be woken; a light from the shadow shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken; the crownless again shall be king."
I do not regret the place that those choices and actions have brought me to. But the job is not yet finished.
2007 was a good year. Like 1997, and 1987 before it, 2007 was a year of profound change. The past has been swept away, and the last remnants of a destroyed future have been left behind. I spent most of this year being tormented by the needs of the heart, tossed to and fro upon the stormy seas of love. I knew heights of joy and glory unimagined in previous years...and I sank to the crushing black abyss of deepest despair. But I also saw the closure of another chapter in my life and the dawning of a new one. I have left love behind, and now strike out to reforge the battered shards of my existence.
It's not going to be an easy road to walk. As I should have from the very beginning, I will walk it alone. Love is a dreadful bond, good for little but sating a biological need--for the spiritual need is impossible to fulfill. There is no good woman who has seen the things I have seen; no faithful woman who needs a wretch such as I am and would be willing to see me through to a time when I am restored. My heart has been hardened by the grim reality that my ideal does not exist. There are only phantoms and illusions when dealing with love--it is a spell, easily broken.
But I would rather be alone than settle. I would rather walk this grim road in solitude than waste my love on someone less than an equal.
So, my future self, look back on this moment with pride: back when I stood fearless once more in the face of eternity. I do not need the love of a woman to stand tall and shake the heavens--no more. I do not need companionship to become something better than I otherwise would have been. I will master myself completely before this chapter of my life is through. Only then will I have set right what once went so tragically wrong.
My thoughts are my own. The future is mine to forge. And these choices, these decisions, it does not matter if they were predetermined or fated to occur. They are mine and no one else's. As long as I take responsibility for them, I own them. I gambled with the edge of the coin, the impossible outcome, and yet here I am. So remember, my future self, it's not over yet. The blade was broken, but I held on to all the pieces. I've reassembled them, and I have had a glimpse into what I can be when they are whole again.
It's time to forge them into what I want them to be, not what I was told they should have been.
"From the ashes, a fire shall be woken; a light from the shadow shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken; the crownless again shall be king."