(no subject)
the night... a place where all comes together from the previous day, or life. i have to agree with dylan that ideas can better materialize here, where they are disconnected from material hindrances. it's a good place to make sense out of thoughts from the leading day...or life.
it's fantastic to meet with a clear head...brought with smooth imagery and placid passageways, get dreams started on the right foot. other times, my mind wants answers and it wants them now. problems and puzzles remerge in the darkness when nothing else is awake to distract them. the subconscious survival at its best.
it's always a mystery to me what mood the night will be in.
lately, the fool in me is beginning to make herself known... or maybe the wise person is. who knows? but i've been realizing in my night life is that i've allowed the past to consume me. i know this is ridiculous, but sometimes i feel as if there is nothing more left. that the fun and enlightning part of life is over and now it's mere day-to-day dealing. that i will grow older with my insecurities, growing more and more foolish like most adults i know, forgetting everything i learned as if it was nothing but a dream in itself. the fact it scares me so much gives itself validity... it grows more legitimate each and every day because i let it.
last night, all this came together. however, i've known this. it wasn't like a dramatic, divine epiphany of any sort. it was just me realizing what a soul sell-out i've been... how easily i let others affect my being. what i really need to ask myself is why the hell i care so much.
haha...
i'm another soul floating in this universe... i'm not going to try and seek out any more answers about my self. who fucking cares???
i'm always quoting walt whitman, "I exist as I am, that is enough." And yet, I continue to grapple with the fact I don't know who I am... well, i am me. and that's all i need to know apparently.
I'M AWESOME.
anyway... this an odd sort of blog for sure. normally i would have in the space some kind of justification for this and that and blah blah, this is stupid. don't read it, i'm just blah blah blah. justification schumstification...
i've come to the point where i'm justifying my LIFE to myself, but mostly to others.
"No, no, I can do this and I do that and look what I can say!! I DESERVE TO BE ALIVE I SWEAR!!!"
how funny... i've never thought about it that way before.
it's fantastic to meet with a clear head...brought with smooth imagery and placid passageways, get dreams started on the right foot. other times, my mind wants answers and it wants them now. problems and puzzles remerge in the darkness when nothing else is awake to distract them. the subconscious survival at its best.
it's always a mystery to me what mood the night will be in.
lately, the fool in me is beginning to make herself known... or maybe the wise person is. who knows? but i've been realizing in my night life is that i've allowed the past to consume me. i know this is ridiculous, but sometimes i feel as if there is nothing more left. that the fun and enlightning part of life is over and now it's mere day-to-day dealing. that i will grow older with my insecurities, growing more and more foolish like most adults i know, forgetting everything i learned as if it was nothing but a dream in itself. the fact it scares me so much gives itself validity... it grows more legitimate each and every day because i let it.
last night, all this came together. however, i've known this. it wasn't like a dramatic, divine epiphany of any sort. it was just me realizing what a soul sell-out i've been... how easily i let others affect my being. what i really need to ask myself is why the hell i care so much.
haha...
i'm another soul floating in this universe... i'm not going to try and seek out any more answers about my self. who fucking cares???
i'm always quoting walt whitman, "I exist as I am, that is enough." And yet, I continue to grapple with the fact I don't know who I am... well, i am me. and that's all i need to know apparently.
I'M AWESOME.
anyway... this an odd sort of blog for sure. normally i would have in the space some kind of justification for this and that and blah blah, this is stupid. don't read it, i'm just blah blah blah. justification schumstification...
i've come to the point where i'm justifying my LIFE to myself, but mostly to others.
"No, no, I can do this and I do that and look what I can say!! I DESERVE TO BE ALIVE I SWEAR!!!"
how funny... i've never thought about it that way before.