the plains of the west
A rather pitiful attempt at getting to bed early. Oi. Fasting + marijuana yields super mega stoned with a sharp edge. Even in the grips of incendiary caffeine my marijuana permeated self blurs to sleep. Awakened thirty minutes later being shaken by the shoulders I found the weed haze dispelled and my heart rate jittery from being jolted out of sleep. It seemed possible it was a temporary dose of static electricity in my bloodstream but after the shock of being awoken faded, caffeine maintained the pace. My body is very tired and if I try to browse the internet for too long my neck bows from the strain and my head wavers till I lay down. Though that first happened two hours ago and I've been on and off the computer since. I've been reading On the Road, fourty pages or so in to it now. Hearing about the great darkness of the western plains at three am is just so beautifully apt. The day brings illumination and distractions but at night my world is as far as I can see, which really isn't too far. The rest of the world is merely speculation in my mind. Rafe wants to go running/jogging early tomorrow but he has been asleep since no later than one, and I'm still awake, furtively occupying myself in his public quarters. I'm up for it but I'll be resuming the fast and it may wear heavily on me. I am eager for tomorrow and the vision quest.
My father's friend, a chiropractor, has worked wonders on my neck and shoulder pains. I am so thankful. It almost seems a temporary relief that I am so fearful to lose. So long have I been in this pain that prevented me from reading or writing for long periods of time without excruciating pain. For years I've struggled to find relief. It tortured me in high school as I studied. I wanted so much to do well but I struggled and shifted in my seat to find comfort. I'm so happy. I hope I can see him again before I leave. My relief is not total but the pain feels greatly soothed, 1/4 of its former intensity. Video games will ruin your posture kids, heed the warning of someone who suffered years with posture related pain. It took me years to even notice my posture and how it affects my pain.
Ashley has been very nice to me. She is hard to read but I try not to worry and just act myself. I came in from my walk to UC and she walked to the door as I entered and strangely said she was just seeing if I was alright. She was squinting and obviously dressed for bed. It was a wierd exchange. I was a bit bewildered but I let it go. I went to the couch to find a large fluffy blanket folded neatly under a large comfortable pillow that I think she prepared for me. We played Smash Bros together earlier that night and she easily beat all my characters except Link. I quit after two consecutive victories with Link and she persistently petitioned me play further, which I gratifyingly refused. Apparently she plays in competitions of the game. I don't find the dynamics of the game well designed enough to deserve serious development of skill. It starts to blur it randomness and chaos for me at which point I don't feel like skill is governing the outcome. Oh video games. I keep getting mired in them. Need to get away from them. I am weak. I am weak.
I need to cuddle with someone soon. I think about the desire and its not even for anyone I know. Its for some far off fantasy I've yet to meet. I don't know if I could ask certain people to cuddle with me and not find myself wanting sex eventually which I am disappointed in. Even with the courtesy of someone wishing to be held by me I find myself steadfastly hoping the desire doesn't sprout toward sex. I'm a bit ashamed of my sexualiy because of the legacy of male sexuality that I've come to see in my mind. It strikes me as shameless, overwhelming, uncontrolled, and at times vicious. Baby batter on the brain, yeh?
Oh gosh, its nearly four am and I'm not tired yet.
I wonder how Emily Foy is.
Who can I call late at night? I find myself at two am wondering who I can call. I end up leaving voice messages. The UC bell chimes 3:45am.
My father's friend, a chiropractor, has worked wonders on my neck and shoulder pains. I am so thankful. It almost seems a temporary relief that I am so fearful to lose. So long have I been in this pain that prevented me from reading or writing for long periods of time without excruciating pain. For years I've struggled to find relief. It tortured me in high school as I studied. I wanted so much to do well but I struggled and shifted in my seat to find comfort. I'm so happy. I hope I can see him again before I leave. My relief is not total but the pain feels greatly soothed, 1/4 of its former intensity. Video games will ruin your posture kids, heed the warning of someone who suffered years with posture related pain. It took me years to even notice my posture and how it affects my pain.
Ashley has been very nice to me. She is hard to read but I try not to worry and just act myself. I came in from my walk to UC and she walked to the door as I entered and strangely said she was just seeing if I was alright. She was squinting and obviously dressed for bed. It was a wierd exchange. I was a bit bewildered but I let it go. I went to the couch to find a large fluffy blanket folded neatly under a large comfortable pillow that I think she prepared for me. We played Smash Bros together earlier that night and she easily beat all my characters except Link. I quit after two consecutive victories with Link and she persistently petitioned me play further, which I gratifyingly refused. Apparently she plays in competitions of the game. I don't find the dynamics of the game well designed enough to deserve serious development of skill. It starts to blur it randomness and chaos for me at which point I don't feel like skill is governing the outcome. Oh video games. I keep getting mired in them. Need to get away from them. I am weak. I am weak.
I need to cuddle with someone soon. I think about the desire and its not even for anyone I know. Its for some far off fantasy I've yet to meet. I don't know if I could ask certain people to cuddle with me and not find myself wanting sex eventually which I am disappointed in. Even with the courtesy of someone wishing to be held by me I find myself steadfastly hoping the desire doesn't sprout toward sex. I'm a bit ashamed of my sexualiy because of the legacy of male sexuality that I've come to see in my mind. It strikes me as shameless, overwhelming, uncontrolled, and at times vicious. Baby batter on the brain, yeh?
Oh gosh, its nearly four am and I'm not tired yet.
I wonder how Emily Foy is.
Who can I call late at night? I find myself at two am wondering who I can call. I end up leaving voice messages. The UC bell chimes 3:45am.