tuesday morning
It's been a while since I've done this.
001. Stop. Just stop. I know I make mistakes and the guilt can eat me alive but you want to know when it stops? When you intentionally try to guilt me yourself. I get so disappointed in myself, so disappointed that I get too scared to say sorry, but it all goes away once I hear those sour words come out of your mouth about how we can't do anything without you, how this is the thanks you get for being the one that stayed, how frustrated you are, how we should know better and be better. I get it. I suck at the moment. But stop with the guilt trip. I promised I'd do something and unfortunately, I didn't come through with it. It was my fucking fault and you know why it was so don't blame it on any part of my personal life. And you know what? I hope you don't die, but if it is so bad living with us, so frustrating and unbearable and bad for your fucking health that you think we don't care about at fucking all then leave. We'll cope with it eventually; we've been through it once, we'll do it again.
002. You are so important to me. I never want to lose you. And you always say you want what is best for me and help mold me into a better person like you are doing for yourself. But ever since that talk a few nights ago, we can both tell there's something wrong with how things work. I'm scared of disappointing you even though you'll never admit it. I'm scared of what to say, I'm scared of whatever I do. And I'm scared to rant to you because it's either too much for you or you'll just tell me I shouldn't be feeling that way and no matter what, I'll feel like crap afterwards. Every time I do something wrong, something I know is wrong, the thought of telling you saddens me. You're a better person than me, you'll never admit that but I know it. We both know it. And I know that the feeling of not deserving to be in someone's presence can not only be simply insecurity but also some kind of admiration towards that person but at the same time, feeling it all the time, hurts so much.
003. I love you but I can't defend you. You must know how dependant you are and I personally think that's why you are so angry. You can't do anything on your own. You act like you can and your piercing words make it sound like you can but it's all a lie. So fix it. We're all moving forward in some way or another and you do nothing. I know deep down inside you want to. But you have to stop with the attitude, respect and be grateful for what has been given to you, and then start to stand on your own two feet.
004. I think the reason I'm not annoyed with you or what you are now is because I knew you before all of it. I would confide you, keep your secrets, be there when you needed someone. I would try to make you feel better about yourself when you feel like crap and didn't know what to do. Honestly? You were like a baby that I liked to take care of -- sorry. But if I didn't, well, I'm not one to simply not like a person when I first meet them, you wouldn't been in my contacts at least. I couldn't imagine myself talking to you on the phone and going to your house to chill. Over time, as you changed, I accepted those changes but now, after hearing from others (and I know, I shouldn't base it on others' stories but maybe if you answered your phone also it wouldn't be that way) what kind of things you've been doing, I sure miss the old you.
005. I haven't really gotten over you yet, have I? Actually, I already knew that. But I just started a life without your complicated involvement and I want to continue that way. We'll have a relationship again someday. Someday, when I'm not so screwed up and neither are you.