status

[for_life__]

i come "home" entirely too early everynight and lock the door. spending nights alone and isolated. there is a lot of time for me to think here, i think of ridiculous things. what if's and shoulda coulda woulda's plague my evenings. i think of thing like if my entire family died in a plane crash...what would i do? who would comfort me at a funeral for nearly everyone i've loved? and where would i go? everything i've known is disappearing and i try and tell myself that it's all in the memories...not the location. but it is about the fucking location... location location location. i call home and no one answers, they're at the new "home". my memories are one by one removed from their habitat. everything is just a distraction down here, i don't think i'm really enjoying any of it. i'm really trying to be open minded and take in the experience and have some fun, but it's just not working. i haven't made friends...not more than you can count on 1 hand. i don't want to go through the process of getting to know people....i just want to know them....everything about them...like i used to, or still do. it's weird to want a meaningful handshake or a good hug. i haven't been touched in ages... i need something real... something tangible. "alone in my room, i feel like such a part of the community". i'm tired. exhausted. i need an escape as some would say. i need something more than a distraction. i need my eyes to focus on something... not just something to kill time. i smoke more than ever down here....just to pass time. i'm run down and sick... catching a cold. i don't eat regularly, i don't sleep. i don't. i hit snooze over and over for classes that start at 11... that shouldn't happen. my door is locked and it's time to think. goodnight.

"it's hard to live on the lonely version of love i give"