(no subject)

[footsandwich]

got a bunch of free computer shit the other day from a recycling center. about to sell it all on ebay.need to go through my gear and organize/ clean up stuff.wish i could set my drum kit back up.quit smoking again, coughing up tar. whoopee.still a broke student.don't like new england winters. way too cold. wish my leather jacket hadn't been stolen, but not so bummed because it was a gift from an ex girlfriend and she didn't listen when i told her what cut i wanted so she got the wrong one cuz she liked it better and i had to wear it anyways. it had tassles on it too, and i don't really do tassles. haven't been drinking or smoking weed or doing any kind of drugs lately which i suppose is good because i don't have the money but i need the distraction. the female i entangle myself with doesn't care about me. sometimes i feel like all these possessions are weighing me down and if i don't cut them loose i'm going to drown.like i ran from the sham in baton rouge so i could start a new one in atlanta and then ran from that one to boston. it's catching up faster. the first one took 19 years to collapse, the second ten, this one less than two.i'm going to end up hanging myself in a closet in a ramshackle building on the side of a mountain and no one will find me for years. well, that or i'll go insane and start levelling the city with a shotgun until the police arrive to tell me excuse me sir but sorry you're not allowed to shoot people so we're gonna have to kill you now. all that sounds cliche and stupid and i can't stop thinking about how retarded i'm being about everything and i think i'm wasting time and money and energy helping the people i help and living the life i live, and i would be happier getting a kitchen job and going back to being a boozer. the only problem there is eventually your only friends are boozers and who wants to be old and lonely at the bar? i see my future in front of me crumbling and say this isn't how it was supposed to be, i was supposed to find a woman to love me and take care of me so i could rule the world and then come home and eat chicken pot pie while we talked about how lovely the fire looks shining off the wine glasses. then we make love on the bearskin rug and fall alseep in each others arms and wake the next morning to do it again.

i really need to throw everything away. let the water come and take what is mine i will leave it behind and crawl to a new place now.