Just Please...
tommorws my birthday but i dont even care anymore...ugh i just cried so much today. but me and char are finally talking which was really good. i sat there and cried to her and she just listened and was patient and helped me. she made me feel so much better but yeah. at school i was "myself" tho...its just when i get home OMG! all i do is think. and when i think i think about all the things that used to be, could be, are, have changed and just way too much to handle. it just all comes flowing back and back and replaying in my mind and then the tears just naturally fall and fall and they just never stop. im just not gonna talk to anyone anymore which is what i have been doing anyways. cause if i cant talk to them then i cant do anything wrong. if im just there i cant fuck up im just like there. people wanna be prettier, skinnier, smarter, but i just wanna be someone that i dont even know how to explain it...someone that leaves their mark and makes a difference and people just wanna be with cause they make them happy. and i was telling char that im such a bad person and what can i do to be better? and she said nothing ::tear:: and despite how sweet that was i dont agree. i will always feel this way: sad and lonely no matter how i act in front of people. just please god make tommorw good...a day that is actually about me has to be good...omg just please! 14 has been the worst year ever with all its changes and letdowns and reality checks ::sobs:: just please make 15 better. anything has to be better than this and im gonna try to make it the best it can because trying has got to get me somewhere better than where i am now. :( hanging in there <3 Rachel