Promises Mean Nothing

[footballchic42]

yeah so last nite i made a promise to myself that i wouldnt cry this whole week. that was shot to hell this morning. i couldnt not cry. wtf is wrong with me? i was trying to hold it in so badly! i was shaking like i was gonna have a fucking seisure. it was so scary. and so i just layed myself down in candaces lap and cried like ive never cried before. omg i was histerical and shaking and shivering and just a mess. for someone who hates crying in front of people lately i have no control. the thing is though i dont know why im crying. im not depressed or anything or feeling badly about myself...ive gotten past the self pity thing. its just im sad. its so indescribale too. its like this horrible lingering sadness that i cant control. everyone is asking me whats wrong but thats the thing...i cant give them an answer because there simply is none. i just wanna cry. so candace just sat there and held me and rubbed my back and was just there. shes such a good friend. i love her so much! and i just kinda slowly stopped my histerical crying and kinda fell asleep. im not so sure if i was sleeping but i was like calm and in another place and it was all better again. so after school i went home with my twins and then they came home with me after that and we tanned for an hour and then just hung around being idiots. it was the best time of my life. i havent been this happy in a while. we all were just so happy and carefree for once. and then my mom left somewhere so we went into the liquor cabinet and had shots of everything...spiced rum, gin, scotch, coconut rum, and vodka...omg we got kinda drunk but ive never felt this good. i mean i have but not in a long fucking time. so they left like 5 minutes ago and now im gonna go to sleep....im so tired now...being happy wears you out....IM SOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!! I WANNA SCREAM!!! I LOVE MY TWINS SOOOOO FUCKING MUCH!!!! ok now i got that outta my system...nite and i love you all my friends that have been there for me (JD! sarah, cassie) gosh and im sorry for being so weird lately ugh lets hope its over with.
<3 heart rachel