[Action in the ~*~Goldenrod Department Store~*~] FOURTH WALL EVENT POST

[foolishwren]

[OOC: HI GUYS. As per usual with my TL;DR event posts, reading this is more or less optional. All you need to know is that Heather's in the Goldenrod City Department Store, and that you are free to bother her in ANY WAY YOU SEE FIT, anywhere in the store

Comments

sob I'm sorry

[taaaaank]

[you know that frumpy department store music that sort of reminds you of if a chimpanzee in an ascot bashed his fists against a piano? well, it's suddenly changing. and by the doorway is the fattest fat man to ever walk the face of Johto, grunting and flailing angrily to himself like an animal. he hasn't spotted you yet, Heather, but he will.]

SDGHLSD;LG;LG OH MY GOD WHOEVER YOU ARE, I LOVE YOU

[foolishwren]

[So, Heather's just mindin' her own business, stocking some shelves, you know, the usual. Cujo has run off with the 'new puppy', who doesn't LOOK like a Pokemon, but who the hell knows, maybe it's just one she'd never seen before and someone had left it in that locker to be funny. Gnyar.]

[And, uh... then the music changes. From the usual tacky department store music to something that sounds like it should be from a tense scene in an Indiane Jones movie.]

[Heather pauses in her PokeBall-stacking (Q: How do you stack PokeBalls? A: Very carefully.) in order to look up at the ceiling and give the embedded circular speakers a very weird look.]

What the heck're they doing, trying to inject more drama and intrigue into our jobs or something? It's not working...

[And... and then she hears the grunting. And, although she happens to be from a completely different survival horror franchise, some sound effects are just universal. She turns to look at the doorway slowly.]

[.... Oh. My. God. Someone found an Insane Cancer... and then gave

I LOVE YOU TOO. A BONE-CRUSHING HUG KIND OF LOVE. YOU DON'T NEED YOUR BONES RIGHT

[taaaaank]

[I smell Survivor. I smell Survivor. so that Tank is flapping his barges for arms giddily and snorting, because he smells Survivor and he's going to grind Survivor into a gooey human paste on the floor. Heather's running commentary on the music catches his attention (how he can hear with those shoulder muscles bulging up around most of his head is a mystery, but Tank has surprisingly sharp hearing), and he turns to face her, tongue hanging out freely with no bottom jaw to trap it.]

[THERE YOU ARE. OH BOY GOING TO SQUASH SHRIMPY SURVIVOR GIRL UNDER TANK FISTS NOW-- he barrels right through the doorway, taking out half of it with him as he lumbers toward Heather like an oversized gorilla. he lumbers pretty fast though, better start running.]

IT'S OKAY, BONES ARE REPLACABLE, BUT -YOU-, I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. /EPIC HUGGING COMMENCE

[foolishwren]

[.... oh shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!]

[If the Tank was a gorilla, Heather was a gazelle-- she turned on her heel immediately and took the fuck off, sprinting away across the shiny linoleum like her life depended on it. Which it pretty much did.]

[As she ran, she swiped out at a shelf of Great Balls, knocking them flying into the aisle, in hopes that they would slow the pursuer (a MYSTERIOUSLY FAST AND MUSCULAR INSANE CANCER? ... WITH A FACE? GOD SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW, WHAT IS THIS) down-- although it was probably more likely they'd just smash under his feet and giant, awful fists. Since, you know, even the shelves were probably just going to fly out of his way.]

[In any case, she reaches the end of the aisle, skiiiiiids on the smooth floor and runs in place for a split second before charging off around the corner.]

[Time to cue the ~*~YACKETY SAX!~*~]

/HUGS OH BOY OH BOY GROUND UP BONES FOR BREAD-- oh wait thats giants, not tanks

[taaaaank]

[now, Tank here isn't a very deep thinker. his priorities are pretty set in stone and entirely unwavering: STEP ONE: find tiny Survivors. STEP TWO: crush tiny Survivors to death and possibly beyond. OPTIONAL STEP THREE: if tiny Survivors try to run, throw shit until tiny Survivors stop running. with Heather bolting away from him like the Flash, Tank's logic train eventually stops at the OPTIONAL STEP THREE station, and that shiny linoleum floor is too shiny and slick for Tank's Lennie Small-esque clumsy hands to pull a good chunk out of.]

[there's plenty of other shit to throw, though! so Tank's tearing apart an entire aisle and chucking a nice sized piece still adorned with potions in Heather's general direction. he might also be laughing.]

Pffft, same difference!

[foolishwren]

[Heather, see, is pretty damn good at running away from monsters. It's the experience, you know? You learned how to do it pretty damn quickly when your life was at stake, and Heather was just the right combination of small, fast, and resourceful to pull it off, even when she'd been caught by surprise.]

[But that said? None of the monsters she had fought were intelligent (or possibly coordinated enough to THROW SHIT.]

[So as she skids around the corner of another aisle, trying to put as many shelves in between her and... WHATEVER THE HELL THIS THING IS, she pauses JUST briefly to look over her shoulder and check up on the position of her pursuer-- WHOLE CHUNK OF SHELF FLYING IN HER DIRECTION WHACK]

[Heather doesn't even have time to make a noise before she's knocked head over heels, sliding across the floor with the shelf and its contents clattering noisily around her.]

[... O-OW?!]

[And um... s-she'll just... be dazed... for a second...]

I'm only half giant-- I guess that makes me Hagrid

[taaaaank]

[OPTIONAL STEP THREE IS A GO-- the Tank roars in his own victory, then begins his lumbering approach, dragging more shelves down with his girth as he goes. the ground is literally shaking underneath Heather as he approaches; it's a wonder he doesn't fall right through the floor.]

[by the time his fists are within vision, it'll probably be too late. Heather has about five seconds to get up and get going before he rearranges her face using TANK SMASH.]

.... DAAAANG HAGRID YOU REALLY LET YOURSELF GO. :(

[foolishwren]

[Fortunately for Heather, she's fast. And since there's no Valtiel around to drag her off and revive her whenever she dies this time around, you bet that her body is instinctively telling her to get the hell out of dodge

I likes my butterbeer ):

[taaaaank]

[if Heather's a quick enough thinker on her feet to refer to high school Chemistry, then she could always make fire-- if there was one thing that Tank does not get along with that isn't a Survivor with a semi-automatic, it's fire. Tank hates fire-- sure, it'd make him rampage, and, assuming Johto runs on Campaign Mode, run about twice as fast, but Tank and fire is a guaranteed lethal combination. for Tank.]

[not that it matters; Tank is running on borrowed time as it is.]

[with another roar that sounds suspiciously like a laugh and like he's having way too much fun with this, Tank lumbers on over to the aisle where tiny Survivor is scaling the shelves like a frantic ice climber and takes a swing with one of his bludgeon arms. WILL HEATHER GET AWAY IN TIME?!]

>8( that stuff goes straight to your hips, man. what were you thinking

[foolishwren]

[Well, a quick enough THINKER she sure is-- but a quick enough DOER, she's not so sure about. Given enough time and a good hiding place, it's more or less guaranteed that she'll be able to find SOMETHING in this place to make fire with-- but with THIS thing galloping around after her, when's she gonna get THAT chance? There's always the possibility that if she runs into the girls' bathroom, it will wait politely outside to resume the chase until she comes out, buuut she's not gonna bank on that, mmkay

i really really really likes my butterbeer ):

[taaaaank]

[unfortunately for Heather, Tank is smart enough to adapt to his situation and climb toward his victims. unfortunately for Tank, there isn't anything nearly close enough to support his weight if he tried climbing, as he proves when he attempts to climb another shelf nearby. it's unlikely he'd really get very far rampaging on the the cheapo ceiling tiles anyway.]

[so at the moment, Tank doesn't really have much to do except ROID RAGE and basically destroy the entire floor. boy is Heather's manager going to be pissed.]

>8( bad Hagrid. /spritzes with a water bottle

[foolishwren]

[Yeeeeeaaaaah. A Tan in the ceiling would more or less be... um... a Tank back on the floor surrounded by broken pieces of ceiling. Luckily for Heather.]

[UNLUCKILY.... yes. Her manager is going to be pissed. Her manager is going to be SO pissed. Heather is probably going to get fired by the end of today. Good thing nobody's gonna remember this stuff really happened. But HEATHER DOESN'T KNOW THAT-- so all she can do is dangle and clamber up into the gap, and then watch in horror and despair as Tank reduces everything in the room to brightly-colored rubble.]

..... I am SO fucked...

ARRRGHHHGHAG

[taaaaank]

[there are two pluses here for Heather, at least-- first plus: for some reason, nobody else seems to be wandering on this floor to experience Tank's fists of mass destruction. second plus: after several minutes, the mixture of the Infection and Tank's puny little human heart just can't handle his massive mutations and girth. with a strangled roar, Tank basically keels over and dies of his own lameness.]

[maybe if Heather hurries, she can clean the mess before her manager arrives?!]

NOW GO STAND IN THE CORNER

[foolishwren]

[Heather has been surprisingly alone for most of the eerier wtfevents that have occurred on this increasingly-surreal day. Possibly because the universe likes watching her suffer and if nobody sees these things happening, she can be blamed all the more easily for the things like HOLES IN THE FRIGGIN WALLS FROM THE KOOLAID MAN.]

[She just... watches the destruction, and watches this strange and incredibly unattractive creature just sort of... fail onto the floor.]

[A beat]

[... Hell no, she's not cleaning this up. Heather scoots around and just crawls off through the vent. Fuck that, she's going to pretend she was SOMEWHERE ELSE when the manager comes in.]

[Heather is the best employee ever~]