33 today. resume'
There was a time in which I use to write every birthday, and every new year, why the year have been important. What had happened really important that year. What made that year special. The last time I did it was two years ago. When I was with Elske. Then on Christmas I left for Italy. And I did not felt like writing anything on the new years day. The a year passed. I don't remember wat my excuses was last birthday, but on new years day this year I was in a big fight with my mother, and I did not felt like writing anything again.
SO here we are:
TWO YEARS RESUME
analyse this!
Many things happened, and would be hard, and useless to elencate them in order in which they happened. So I will write them as they come. And in general the more easily defined will appear first, and the more this is still taking shape/place will appear after.
food
I learned how to eat. Starting with a course in Wengen to become a 5 element cook. And then progressing with primal diet, I can now say that I fell confident about knowing what is good and bad for my body. It might not always be possible to find it. But this is another problem. I know how to take care of myself. And I have a general idea how far can I go from the diet before my body starts to accuse reactions.
meditation
2 years ago I was slowly moving away from the healing tao and moving toward Bruce Kumar Frantzis energy arts school. I have nearly completed the movement. Most of the practice that I do now are from that school. I am learning tai ji chuan, long and short form, wu style. I learn with Brian Cooper, which is one of the best 5 students of Bruce. And who is considered in high regards. This makes me confident that I am getting good stuff. Having been in the HT for nearly 8 years I know how important it is to learn from a good tacher. And how much money and time we loose if we go to less then optimal teachers. Was a hard lesson but now it is learned.
dissolving.
One of the main practice in this school is internal and external dissolving. I started practicing it 2 years ago. Last year I followed a course with BKF on internal dissolving. Was the best course of meditation in 12 years. I feel it was the only truly taoist. This year I started doing external dissolving a bit more seriously and now I dissolved most of my big blockages from the top of the head as far as the beginning of the thights and part of the arms. I know I will have to do another scan on the organs, another on the glands and maybe on the bone marrow. I expect it to be a 10 years work. Made me much less reactive. Things happen... I don't need to react. good.
love
After the love story with Elske, I felt something had changed, and indeed it did. One of the things that changed was that I am not looking for a soulmate anymore. (I know where my soulmate is: Amsterdam). But since me and Elske agree that we should not be together the question:"should I live alone?" is still unanswered. I had a couple of stories in the meantime. One with a married woman, and another with an ex-quasi-girlfriend of mine. I did not like the veil of secrecy that having a married woman require, and my ex-quasi-gf made clear that it was a single occasion meeting. I did not felt really bad in either cases. But I am still waiting...
falling in love
But I do still fall in love. Rarely. always more rarely, as the years go by. My sould require always more each year. But fortunately my body can have good sex with much less. I fell in love, desperately last year. Around this time. FOr a woman who first said "yes maybe" and then said "no maybe" and then "no". Since I am used to the common dictionary "maybe means yes, no means maybe" I was confused. And suffered alot. I also wrote some of the nicest poems I ever wrote. It took me all my emotional integrity to look deeply into my desire and understand where the root of that love was. Deeply inside I was in love with her integrity, her silence, and inner nobility. As soon as I started developping those qualities in myself the pain of love started to fade away. This year we met again and we made each other a friendship promise: She promised to accept that I will always love her, and desire to have sex with her while I promised to accept that she will never love me nor want to have sex with me.
After this our relation improved greatly, but unfortunately not enough to have actual sex. Domage! I will refer to her as JHF or also jfh which sounds a bit like jfk, just a bit less important.
work and PhD
It is incredible how this part progresses mainly by itself. I got invited at a conference in Japan. My work fused with Peter work and progressed greatly at his research group. I am very happy of all this. I also have now a couple of papers in a journal, one also published as a chapter in a book. But the most important thing is that I have started again programming, and every day I am slowly progressing on my PhD. This is making me feel really good.
teaching
I came to Brighton to become a teacher in taoist meditation. For one year went well. Then I was accused of sexula harassment, relieved of the sexual part and charged of harassment. All this for insisting to give back the money to a student directly, while she said "she wanted to take distance from me". I appealed with no result, and after a few months decided I would not withstand those working conditions and resigned. Something inside me hardened, and I now feel very cold toward helping other people, and teaching again. It is not that I will never do it again, and I can always spare a suggestion if someone who is starting want to know what course should he do, or so. I am just not teaching myself at the moment. Especially to women, who I cam to trust very very little. It was interesting in this respect how all the women I knew, in power at the time sided with her, and all those who were not in power sided against her. I do often feel like an enemy occupying force in this culture. And we live in a situation where not the same laws apply for men and women. This is objective, as women can just shout "rape!", or "harassment!" and often don't need even to bring any proove. Men where more suspicious, except those who had passed through a similar trial, and sided for me immediatly. Some had even been blackmailed:"you come to bed with me or I accuse you of Sexual Harassment". Yes, this is happening right now in England and related countries. Also all this had to be kept secret, because we had to protect the victim. Makes you want to throw up.
Friends
I am having alot of friends. I am very happy of this. after many years in which I stayed in places with only one or two friend (sometime even good friend) I now have ten or fifteen on which I can relay. It is a nice sensation. I did not felt so cuddled by the time I was in Rome. And one of the main reasons why I never managed to have friends in those years was because I never stayed in the same city for enough time to generate and or join a group of friends. My friends are now: Gavin & C (JHF, Chris, Laura, Simon). People from the Go club (it is forming, but at least 3 or 4 people are coming up). Other travellers, bums, alcholists, crazy people, dealers and probably thieves. A nice bunch. Oh, also Tai Chi practitioners.
Ok, enough. Maybe I'll add a bit more tomorrow. If I do so I'll keep you informed. Never again I will miss a year. two years in one go is simply too much.
SO here we are:
TWO YEARS RESUME
analyse this!
Many things happened, and would be hard, and useless to elencate them in order in which they happened. So I will write them as they come. And in general the more easily defined will appear first, and the more this is still taking shape/place will appear after.
food
I learned how to eat. Starting with a course in Wengen to become a 5 element cook. And then progressing with primal diet, I can now say that I fell confident about knowing what is good and bad for my body. It might not always be possible to find it. But this is another problem. I know how to take care of myself. And I have a general idea how far can I go from the diet before my body starts to accuse reactions.
meditation
2 years ago I was slowly moving away from the healing tao and moving toward Bruce Kumar Frantzis energy arts school. I have nearly completed the movement. Most of the practice that I do now are from that school. I am learning tai ji chuan, long and short form, wu style. I learn with Brian Cooper, which is one of the best 5 students of Bruce. And who is considered in high regards. This makes me confident that I am getting good stuff. Having been in the HT for nearly 8 years I know how important it is to learn from a good tacher. And how much money and time we loose if we go to less then optimal teachers. Was a hard lesson but now it is learned.
dissolving.
One of the main practice in this school is internal and external dissolving. I started practicing it 2 years ago. Last year I followed a course with BKF on internal dissolving. Was the best course of meditation in 12 years. I feel it was the only truly taoist. This year I started doing external dissolving a bit more seriously and now I dissolved most of my big blockages from the top of the head as far as the beginning of the thights and part of the arms. I know I will have to do another scan on the organs, another on the glands and maybe on the bone marrow. I expect it to be a 10 years work. Made me much less reactive. Things happen... I don't need to react. good.
love
After the love story with Elske, I felt something had changed, and indeed it did. One of the things that changed was that I am not looking for a soulmate anymore. (I know where my soulmate is: Amsterdam). But since me and Elske agree that we should not be together the question:"should I live alone?" is still unanswered. I had a couple of stories in the meantime. One with a married woman, and another with an ex-quasi-girlfriend of mine. I did not like the veil of secrecy that having a married woman require, and my ex-quasi-gf made clear that it was a single occasion meeting. I did not felt really bad in either cases. But I am still waiting...
falling in love
But I do still fall in love. Rarely. always more rarely, as the years go by. My sould require always more each year. But fortunately my body can have good sex with much less. I fell in love, desperately last year. Around this time. FOr a woman who first said "yes maybe" and then said "no maybe" and then "no". Since I am used to the common dictionary "maybe means yes, no means maybe" I was confused. And suffered alot. I also wrote some of the nicest poems I ever wrote. It took me all my emotional integrity to look deeply into my desire and understand where the root of that love was. Deeply inside I was in love with her integrity, her silence, and inner nobility. As soon as I started developping those qualities in myself the pain of love started to fade away. This year we met again and we made each other a friendship promise: She promised to accept that I will always love her, and desire to have sex with her while I promised to accept that she will never love me nor want to have sex with me.
After this our relation improved greatly, but unfortunately not enough to have actual sex. Domage! I will refer to her as JHF or also jfh which sounds a bit like jfk, just a bit less important.
work and PhD
It is incredible how this part progresses mainly by itself. I got invited at a conference in Japan. My work fused with Peter work and progressed greatly at his research group. I am very happy of all this. I also have now a couple of papers in a journal, one also published as a chapter in a book. But the most important thing is that I have started again programming, and every day I am slowly progressing on my PhD. This is making me feel really good.
teaching
I came to Brighton to become a teacher in taoist meditation. For one year went well. Then I was accused of sexula harassment, relieved of the sexual part and charged of harassment. All this for insisting to give back the money to a student directly, while she said "she wanted to take distance from me". I appealed with no result, and after a few months decided I would not withstand those working conditions and resigned. Something inside me hardened, and I now feel very cold toward helping other people, and teaching again. It is not that I will never do it again, and I can always spare a suggestion if someone who is starting want to know what course should he do, or so. I am just not teaching myself at the moment. Especially to women, who I cam to trust very very little. It was interesting in this respect how all the women I knew, in power at the time sided with her, and all those who were not in power sided against her. I do often feel like an enemy occupying force in this culture. And we live in a situation where not the same laws apply for men and women. This is objective, as women can just shout "rape!", or "harassment!" and often don't need even to bring any proove. Men where more suspicious, except those who had passed through a similar trial, and sided for me immediatly. Some had even been blackmailed:"you come to bed with me or I accuse you of Sexual Harassment". Yes, this is happening right now in England and related countries. Also all this had to be kept secret, because we had to protect the victim. Makes you want to throw up.
Friends
I am having alot of friends. I am very happy of this. after many years in which I stayed in places with only one or two friend (sometime even good friend) I now have ten or fifteen on which I can relay. It is a nice sensation. I did not felt so cuddled by the time I was in Rome. And one of the main reasons why I never managed to have friends in those years was because I never stayed in the same city for enough time to generate and or join a group of friends. My friends are now: Gavin & C (JHF, Chris, Laura, Simon). People from the Go club (it is forming, but at least 3 or 4 people are coming up). Other travellers, bums, alcholists, crazy people, dealers and probably thieves. A nice bunch. Oh, also Tai Chi practitioners.
Ok, enough. Maybe I'll add a bit more tomorrow. If I do so I'll keep you informed. Never again I will miss a year. two years in one go is simply too much.