An annoying discovery
I've come to a conclusion of late that bothers me a bit..
I've noticed for a little while now that there are some personality traits which have become more prominent in me which I'm not particularly proud of, and I don't really like. There's a variety of them, and some of them are subtle enough that I suspect only I've noticed them (and some of them probably aren't), but one way or another, I've turned into somebody I don't like nearly as well as I used to. I've been trying to understand a bit why this is, and how to fix it, and in the process I came to a realization which I think is somewhere near the heart of it, which kinda surprised me:
I hate people.
Well, ok, it's not that I hate all people, and I'm not saying that I really hate anybody in particular either. But increasingly I'm finding that people in general, just, well, suck. I don't like them. I don't want to deal with them. Far too many people out there are just not worth the effort and I want them to just go away.
For some people, maybe even most people, this sentiment is nothing unusual. Heck, some people I know have made pretty much a lifestyle out of this one sentiment. I'm not those people, though. I'm the easy-going guy. I'm the one everybody says can get along with anyone. I used to have no problem working and dealing with anyone in almost any way. It was kinda ironic, what with my introverted tendencies, but I even kinda enjoyed being around people.
But something's changed. Every day I'm encountering people I actually do not like. And quite often they bring out the worst in me in the process, and I don't like that either. It seems like the whole world has just gotten a whole lot more assenine in the past few years. But as much as it seems that way, as the odds of everybody else changing simultaneously are rather unlikely, I have to acknowledge the more likely conclusion, which is that I've changed somehow.
And that bothers me, because it means I've lost something, and that loss comes with all these other changes to me that I don't like either. And it means my life has become a lot more annoying in the process, to boot. I don't want to not like people. I want to be able to approach life, and approach people, like I used to be able to, like I always wished everybody else could too. I had it once, and now it's gone.
And what if I can't get it back? What if things even keep going this way, and I can't stop it? As I become less and less a person that I like myself, who else is going to like me either?
Sigh... Some days it just doesn't pay to be human...
I've noticed for a little while now that there are some personality traits which have become more prominent in me which I'm not particularly proud of, and I don't really like. There's a variety of them, and some of them are subtle enough that I suspect only I've noticed them (and some of them probably aren't), but one way or another, I've turned into somebody I don't like nearly as well as I used to. I've been trying to understand a bit why this is, and how to fix it, and in the process I came to a realization which I think is somewhere near the heart of it, which kinda surprised me:
I hate people.
Well, ok, it's not that I hate all people, and I'm not saying that I really hate anybody in particular either. But increasingly I'm finding that people in general, just, well, suck. I don't like them. I don't want to deal with them. Far too many people out there are just not worth the effort and I want them to just go away.
For some people, maybe even most people, this sentiment is nothing unusual. Heck, some people I know have made pretty much a lifestyle out of this one sentiment. I'm not those people, though. I'm the easy-going guy. I'm the one everybody says can get along with anyone. I used to have no problem working and dealing with anyone in almost any way. It was kinda ironic, what with my introverted tendencies, but I even kinda enjoyed being around people.
But something's changed. Every day I'm encountering people I actually do not like. And quite often they bring out the worst in me in the process, and I don't like that either. It seems like the whole world has just gotten a whole lot more assenine in the past few years. But as much as it seems that way, as the odds of everybody else changing simultaneously are rather unlikely, I have to acknowledge the more likely conclusion, which is that I've changed somehow.
And that bothers me, because it means I've lost something, and that loss comes with all these other changes to me that I don't like either. And it means my life has become a lot more annoying in the process, to boot. I don't want to not like people. I want to be able to approach life, and approach people, like I used to be able to, like I always wished everybody else could too. I had it once, and now it's gone.
And what if I can't get it back? What if things even keep going this way, and I can't stop it? As I become less and less a person that I like myself, who else is going to like me either?
Sigh... Some days it just doesn't pay to be human...