Cristian and I
....are drowning in our own ambitions.
For me it's wrapping up graduate school, assembling a portfolio, juggling 45 hours at Metaldyne, school full time, and my two internships.
For him it's getting graduate school underway, passing the MCAT, excelling at the Wayne State laboratory, while maintaining his job as a math and science tutor.
He's drowning in his pursuits, and his aspirations make him infinitely attractive to me. But, hey, my romantic sentiments are not the point of this post. My point is that today, I can see the end of this epically long tunnel we are both in. I enjoy working at Metaldyne. I enjoy my experiences in corporate America, which speaks volumes in and of itself. But I couldn't stay there forever. Even as a corporate librarian, I don't think I would be satisfied.
Instead, I envision myself as a YA librarian. I dream of the promotion of literature, of critical thinking, of sharing my love of reading with future generations. I won't make a lot of money, but damn if I can't say that my career choice is a noble one. I want to make a difference in people's minds, not their wallets.
And Cristian, god....med school. His aspiration is med school. Nobility in that goes without saying. And I can see us years from now, accomplishing these goals. A leader of science and a leader of literature. I've never dated anyone with such ambition before, and even as I juggle my own life, I want to be a pillar for him. I see every potential in him, and I want to help make his goals a reality. I have supreme faith in his abilities, and maybe I'm just biased because I like the utter shit out of the boy, but...maybe not. I think not.
Mikey, you're probably the only person who actually reads these posts, so I am going to address you directly. A lot has changed since the last time we spoke. I owe you a phone call, and I promise I'll get to it. I just need to wrap up my shit this week, because it's the last week of the semester, and I am up to my eyeballs in research proposals and business proposals, and silly academic crap. You'll be surprised (and perhaps disappointed) to hear that I have decided to stick around Michigan, and not move back to Chicago. Ahhh...it's hilarious, looking back on the last six months. It was only last October when I was daydreaming of marrying Jason and being in LA with him. That morphed into visions of the Chi, and becoming the player I always tried to be in college. And now? Now my daydreams consist of finding an apartment all for myself. Of being steady, calm encouragement as Cristian studies, studies, studies. Of making use of my professional connections here to finally launch my career and feel like I am making a difference. If I have learned anything this past year it is simply that plans change in the blink of an eye. Desires come and go, and what feels right today might feel profoundly wrong tomorrow. There is absolutely nothing wrong with making plans for yourself, so long as you have a back up, and a back up to said back up. I take delight in this altering course because I am a freak who loves change. Every time ugly shit has happened, it has been to make room for something better.
I've lost sight of where I was going with this. All I know is that I am embracing the madness. There is method in it. It's Easter weekend, and I may not have faith in Jesus, but I do have faith in myself. And in Cristian. And in this future I envision. Of course I want this to be IT. I want that to be factual, not mere speculation and hope. But for the time being, hope is enough.
For me it's wrapping up graduate school, assembling a portfolio, juggling 45 hours at Metaldyne, school full time, and my two internships.
For him it's getting graduate school underway, passing the MCAT, excelling at the Wayne State laboratory, while maintaining his job as a math and science tutor.
He's drowning in his pursuits, and his aspirations make him infinitely attractive to me. But, hey, my romantic sentiments are not the point of this post. My point is that today, I can see the end of this epically long tunnel we are both in. I enjoy working at Metaldyne. I enjoy my experiences in corporate America, which speaks volumes in and of itself. But I couldn't stay there forever. Even as a corporate librarian, I don't think I would be satisfied.
Instead, I envision myself as a YA librarian. I dream of the promotion of literature, of critical thinking, of sharing my love of reading with future generations. I won't make a lot of money, but damn if I can't say that my career choice is a noble one. I want to make a difference in people's minds, not their wallets.
And Cristian, god....med school. His aspiration is med school. Nobility in that goes without saying. And I can see us years from now, accomplishing these goals. A leader of science and a leader of literature. I've never dated anyone with such ambition before, and even as I juggle my own life, I want to be a pillar for him. I see every potential in him, and I want to help make his goals a reality. I have supreme faith in his abilities, and maybe I'm just biased because I like the utter shit out of the boy, but...maybe not. I think not.
Mikey, you're probably the only person who actually reads these posts, so I am going to address you directly. A lot has changed since the last time we spoke. I owe you a phone call, and I promise I'll get to it. I just need to wrap up my shit this week, because it's the last week of the semester, and I am up to my eyeballs in research proposals and business proposals, and silly academic crap. You'll be surprised (and perhaps disappointed) to hear that I have decided to stick around Michigan, and not move back to Chicago. Ahhh...it's hilarious, looking back on the last six months. It was only last October when I was daydreaming of marrying Jason and being in LA with him. That morphed into visions of the Chi, and becoming the player I always tried to be in college. And now? Now my daydreams consist of finding an apartment all for myself. Of being steady, calm encouragement as Cristian studies, studies, studies. Of making use of my professional connections here to finally launch my career and feel like I am making a difference. If I have learned anything this past year it is simply that plans change in the blink of an eye. Desires come and go, and what feels right today might feel profoundly wrong tomorrow. There is absolutely nothing wrong with making plans for yourself, so long as you have a back up, and a back up to said back up. I take delight in this altering course because I am a freak who loves change. Every time ugly shit has happened, it has been to make room for something better.
I've lost sight of where I was going with this. All I know is that I am embracing the madness. There is method in it. It's Easter weekend, and I may not have faith in Jesus, but I do have faith in myself. And in Cristian. And in this future I envision. Of course I want this to be IT. I want that to be factual, not mere speculation and hope. But for the time being, hope is enough.