Same vein, different track
No no, not a heroin reference. Though that said, maybe it's time to dig out some Velvet Underground for driving around purposes.
I can't seem to let this whole concept of unconditional support drop. I think part of it is because, for the majority of my adolescent and adult life, I've explored the properties and boundaries of interpersonal relationships. I really tried to understand the parts and break them down not so much on a psychological level as much as from a structural vantage. Some might say there's something demystifying about being that analytical about something supposedly magical, but I think there's a certain level of practice, craft and understanding you have to have if you're going to put yourself out there like that.
To get back on track, maybe because I haven't really spent a lot of time on this specific case study, it's grabbed me now. Looking back, I think there was a time when Mandy and I were exploring "friend love", but a lot of it was fueled my commiseration and negativity, not to mention some poor life decisions. I don't mean to diminish it in anyway -- it still retains its intrinsic value and was genuine and, at the time, vital to both of us. Relationships built like that aren't sturdy, though. If you examine the two cases I brought up in the last post, Allison and The Other One (I'll just have to come out and say it at some point), there's something enduring and perpetuating.
My current hypothesis is that some people just aren't wired to receive that kind of support. I acknowledge that sometimes it comes across as entirely hokey and overenthusiastic. Like when she's talking about getting over an illness and explains that she took it upon herself to walk home after missing the shuttle and I go nuts about tenacity and resolve. Truth is, there is something to commend there: one, she rebounded quickly physically and two, where some might panic and shut down, she cowgirled up and handled the situation without complaint or distress.
I think she gets embarassed when I gush about her. Whether it's eloquent, glib, loquacious, effusive or terse, direct, pointed and concise, there isn't a way she seems comfortable taking the praise. I don't need a response--really--I think that's asking more than I want. Geting some kind of response or reciprocity isn't my goal. I just want some level of acknowledgment. I want her to know that she has someone on her side at all times, who categorically believes in her but is not so caught in fandom that he can't recognize areas for growth, personal disappointments or pain and anxiety.
So maybe it's just that she's naturally shy. Or that there isn't any context or frame of reference for someone outside of the family expressing things like pride, love and admiration.
In the rest of the world, I have got to start engaging my job a little more. This week has already been an improvement over last, but I'm having a hard time getting any kind of drive going. I'm going to have to start confronting some of my employees professional performance problems. They're starting to percolate and become issues with the volunteers. I have the knowledge and skill set to teach them, I just have to figure out how to let them know that what they're doing now isn't working. Maybe they already know and that's the first step toward getting of my fears of being critical. At least personal business is coming along nicely.
I think I'm really out of practice. My livejournal is starting to look like a scrap pad. Where are my nice, neat well-defined entries with humor and obscure pop culture references? Any advice for how to regain my form?
I can't seem to let this whole concept of unconditional support drop. I think part of it is because, for the majority of my adolescent and adult life, I've explored the properties and boundaries of interpersonal relationships. I really tried to understand the parts and break them down not so much on a psychological level as much as from a structural vantage. Some might say there's something demystifying about being that analytical about something supposedly magical, but I think there's a certain level of practice, craft and understanding you have to have if you're going to put yourself out there like that.
To get back on track, maybe because I haven't really spent a lot of time on this specific case study, it's grabbed me now. Looking back, I think there was a time when Mandy and I were exploring "friend love", but a lot of it was fueled my commiseration and negativity, not to mention some poor life decisions. I don't mean to diminish it in anyway -- it still retains its intrinsic value and was genuine and, at the time, vital to both of us. Relationships built like that aren't sturdy, though. If you examine the two cases I brought up in the last post, Allison and The Other One (I'll just have to come out and say it at some point), there's something enduring and perpetuating.
My current hypothesis is that some people just aren't wired to receive that kind of support. I acknowledge that sometimes it comes across as entirely hokey and overenthusiastic. Like when she's talking about getting over an illness and explains that she took it upon herself to walk home after missing the shuttle and I go nuts about tenacity and resolve. Truth is, there is something to commend there: one, she rebounded quickly physically and two, where some might panic and shut down, she cowgirled up and handled the situation without complaint or distress.
I think she gets embarassed when I gush about her. Whether it's eloquent, glib, loquacious, effusive or terse, direct, pointed and concise, there isn't a way she seems comfortable taking the praise. I don't need a response--really--I think that's asking more than I want. Geting some kind of response or reciprocity isn't my goal. I just want some level of acknowledgment. I want her to know that she has someone on her side at all times, who categorically believes in her but is not so caught in fandom that he can't recognize areas for growth, personal disappointments or pain and anxiety.
So maybe it's just that she's naturally shy. Or that there isn't any context or frame of reference for someone outside of the family expressing things like pride, love and admiration.
In the rest of the world, I have got to start engaging my job a little more. This week has already been an improvement over last, but I'm having a hard time getting any kind of drive going. I'm going to have to start confronting some of my employees professional performance problems. They're starting to percolate and become issues with the volunteers. I have the knowledge and skill set to teach them, I just have to figure out how to let them know that what they're doing now isn't working. Maybe they already know and that's the first step toward getting of my fears of being critical. At least personal business is coming along nicely.
I think I'm really out of practice. My livejournal is starting to look like a scrap pad. Where are my nice, neat well-defined entries with humor and obscure pop culture references? Any advice for how to regain my form?