This is just to say hello, and to let you know I think of you from time to time.
For some reason, when Mem tells me to update, I want to. I want to when anyone says so, but Mem has this particular hypnotic power about her that makes an entry more likely to happen. It's 4:35 in the morning on December 31 right now, and just like last year at this time, I have spent the night lying awake and thinking. After months of nothing to say, words are tumbling through me in a rush, and I can't sleep for the noise and have limited faith in my ability to channel them into something meaningful. I'm going to structure them around this meme. We'll see how it goes.
1. Did you have a good 2008 and why?
I don't know how to answer this. Good things happened to me this year, and also to some of the people I love most, and almost every memory that springs to mind is happy. But the echoes are all sad: while there were any number of bright sparkling notes, the tune played out in a minor key.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't know that I made any. I probably did and they were probably not kept, but I never take this kind of thing seriously anyway.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! My friend Maria gave birth to Garrett, my friend Jessica gave birth to William. It's odd, in just two years I have entered a world wherein everyone I know has a baby, and I am uniquely in love with each one.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.
5. What cities did you visit?
Kyoto, Tokyo. I think that's it! If you count layovers, then Minneapolis as well. edit: My sister's wedding was in Charleston. Here I will note that I obviously do remember being there, as evidenced by the fact that I discuss it at length only two questions down from here.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Ah. Um. I don't know how to say this. A future, maybe, though I have one. A family of my own, though I have one of these, too. But I feel like in this past year, I have watched the people around me become adults in a very tangible way, and I feel left behind. More than that, I feel like I don't know how to catch up, that I have let my chance at happiness slip by, that I will continue to be alone because I don't know how to be anything but alone, that I have grown so strange and certain that I don't have the skill and suppleness to fit myself around another person anymore. This is where the sadness comes from.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
1 January: Coco Palmolive and I got up before dawn and walked two miles to watch the sun rise over the mountains from Kyoto's Imperial Palace. There was a handful of people scattered throughout the park, and as the sky lightened, a woman paused on her bicycle to tell us, "What you are doing now is a lucky thing." It felt like it.
27 April: Ohno had been coming on for a few months at this point, but I fought it hard. Sho stumbled badly with an ungracious remark in the Step and Go documentary and an unfortunate (and possibly poorly translated -- I never saw the original) quote about 9/11 from years before, and Ohno got an unexpected assist in the form of a fanfic about Arashi trying to pull it together after his tragic accidental death, but April 27 was the day the battle was officially over and the transfer of power complete. I still feel badly about this, but the heart wants what it wants, and in this case, it wants it badly.
27 July: Coco P. will recognize the naming convention: this is marked on my work calendar as "I Will Love Arashi Forever Matsuri". It's a recurring holiday. It's also close enough to my fannish anniversary as to make no difference.
20 September: My sister got married to her boyfriend of many years. It was beautiful and simple and small and so incredibly happy. I'm glad to be able to say that, because in the months leading up to it, I was an emotional wreck (see question 6) in ways that shocked me, and I had some worries that I might somehow let this sadness overwhelm the occasion. It didn't at all, though, I didn't think of it at all: instead, I was overwhelmed by how very much I love my sister and how very happy I was that her husband was finally part of our family.
4 November: Yeah, me and the rest of the world, right.
22 November: My sister's wedding was out of town, and so this was the day of her reception. My sister and her husband are pretty incredibly awesome, I would just like you to know. They requested that in lieu of bringing a gift for them, that guests bring a toy for our local Toys for Tots. My sister had been anxious that people would not read that instruction or would ignore it if they did, but there were toys spilling off the table and onto the floor. One couple brought a pair of bicycles. It was wonderful. But anyway, my main reason for remembering this day is wholly selfish. I misread the invitation and was late to the reception, which is the kind of awful accident that makes you stop and reconsider who you are as a person. I've always been flighty and flaky and scatterbrained. I'm the prototypical subject of despairing "if her head weren't attached to her body ..." comments from parents and teachers. But November 22 is the day I realized that I can't accept this about myself anymore. I have to become a better person, and I am working diligently at it.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Ah. I would say that this was speaking in Japanese to Japanese people and having them reply to me in Japanese and understanding what they said. I started to say that this was kind of awesome, but that doesn't sum it up. This was totally awesome. Our hostess at the ryokan we stayed at switched exclusively to Japanese with us when she brewed our tea on the first afternoon. "I don't know what you said to her," Coco Palmolive grumbled, "but suddenly we weren't getting any English anymore." In Arashiyama, when we were trying to find a strange unpopular temple, the English-speaking city worker helping us closed his guidebook and said flatly, "You speak Japanese," when I suspected he thought I was misspeaking in English and so fumbled through a rough description of the place in Japanese. This is a small thing to be proud of and it sounds like I am bragging, but I have little enough to brag about from this year, so kindly overlook it, please.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I think I covered this well enough up in my comments on November 22.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I broke my toe in Kyoto. I became violently sensitive to the majority of soap products over the summer: at this point, the only product I can use that doesn't burn the skin off of my face after only one use (I am not exaggerating even a little here; it's alarming) is Aveeno Foaming Face Wash for Ridiculously Oversensitive Skin, or something like that. If anyone has any recommendations for ridiculously oversensitive skin, please don't hesitate to share them. And I had my usual string of sinus infection flareups and minor digestive complaints. Oh, also a staph infection in my right index finger.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Many things! Probably my laptop, a pretty red Vaio. Also: a Nintendo DS. An orange iPod Nano solely for Arashi music and videos. A pair of brown wool houseshoes. A Panasonic SLR with Leica lenses. A cast-iron teapot. A new variety of tea that tastes nutty and earthy and wonderful.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My sister. I can't properly express how impressed I am by her and how much I admire her. She's my baby sister, and so it's weird to say this, but I look up to her. I want to be like her when I grow up.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Well, that would be me. Appalled and depressed, and I have to be certain to grow from this, or this is a wasted feeling. I am trying my hardest.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Same place as Snowdrop's: Arashi. This was all amassed during 2008, and the picture was taken prior to either Beautiful Days or my Kokuritsu goods showing up. Idk, guys.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My sister's wedding. Maou. I think that's all that would fall under "really, really, really excited," but undoubtedly I am forgetting something. edit: Oh yeah, there was that election thing. That was all right, I guess.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Take Me Faraway. 565, if anyone is keeping track.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sadder.
b) thinner or fatter? thinner.
c) richer or poorer? richer, which combined with b makes the sheer fact of a a little more so.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I taken classes.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Time online! Or, useless time online, anyway, with no new content and no one to talk to. My laptop lives close to my bed, which, as Coco wisely pointed out two nights ago, is a terrible thing. I need to move it to another room.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family. It was nice! My sister and brother-in-law were around until the early afternoon, and the rest of the day I spent with my parents. We all read our new Christmas books. It was messy that night, so I stayed an extra day. I love my family. I love Christmas.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Oh gosh. Not with anyone I know in real life.
22. How many one-night stands?
None!!!
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Maou. It seems like most of my summer was spent watching Maou, waiting impatiently to watch Maou, or talking about Maou. I am not even kidding. Everything else got relegated.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I've picked up a few inevitable fandom irritations, but none of them rise to the level of hate.
25. What was the best book you read?
Ha ha ha. You know, I read something pretty awesome this year but I can't remember what it was. The last book I read was Stalking Irish Madness, which I started Christmas morning and finished before bedtime.
26. How do you think you have changed this year?
I'm not sure if I have changed much. I have become more self-aware. Also, I have been more easily annoyed, frustrated. My spirit has been less generous. But I think this is because I am tired and sad, and isn't a fundamental change to my character. But I am doing my best to stop feeling this way.
27. What did you want and get?
Oh, lots! See questions 11 and 14. I can't spend any more time on material things without feeling more self-absorbed than even a navel-gazing survey like this allows for. But also, friends. Specifically, I mean elenniel, snoew (though I met both of you at the very end of 2007, I got to know you in 2008), julietbunny, mint_and_mocha, yamapea, cupcake4mafia. I had my eye on all six of you. I think I picked up lockability last year, but in case you were a 2008 add, you too!
28. What did you want and not get?
Hmm. A new mattress? I suppose I could try to get one today. This was not a major disappointment, and I suspect that is the thrust of the question.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don't think I saw enough to say anything meaningful here.
30. What did you do on your birthday?
I am not sure if you all are familiar with the Font Birthday Festival Week: the party starts on Halloween, continues through Election Day, and wraps up on November 6, my birthday. I took the week off. Handed out candy on Halloween, spent Election Night watching returns with my sister and her husband, dinner with friends that week, Coco Palmolive came down for the weekend of the 8th. It was lovely.
31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I felt I had behaved better.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Black, charcoal, grey. Lots of wine and raspberry. An unexpected shift towards pale turquoise towards the end of the year. Deep orange accents. A not insignificant showing of kiwi.
33. What kept you sane?
My mom, my sister, Coco P. and Snowdrop.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh really, do we have to go into this again?
35. Who was the best new person you met?
This is too hard to choose.
36. What was one good quality you thought you possessed in 2008?
Oh, this is hard. A determination to improve.
37. What was one bad quality you thought you possessed in 2008?
Thoughtlessness, or distraction.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
You have to pay attention to the things that are important to you. You have to tend them carefully.
39. What do you look forward to in 2009?
Becoming a better, more thoughtful person.
40. Any big plans for 2009?
Nope. It's all small work, but that doesn't mean it isn't important.
It's 7:25 now, and I am tired. Happy New Year, folks, and may 2009 be better than 2008, even for (or maybe especially for) those of you like Annabel, for whom 2008 was the best yet.
1. Did you have a good 2008 and why?
I don't know how to answer this. Good things happened to me this year, and also to some of the people I love most, and almost every memory that springs to mind is happy. But the echoes are all sad: while there were any number of bright sparkling notes, the tune played out in a minor key.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't know that I made any. I probably did and they were probably not kept, but I never take this kind of thing seriously anyway.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! My friend Maria gave birth to Garrett, my friend Jessica gave birth to William. It's odd, in just two years I have entered a world wherein everyone I know has a baby, and I am uniquely in love with each one.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.
5. What cities did you visit?
Kyoto, Tokyo. I think that's it! If you count layovers, then Minneapolis as well. edit: My sister's wedding was in Charleston. Here I will note that I obviously do remember being there, as evidenced by the fact that I discuss it at length only two questions down from here.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Ah. Um. I don't know how to say this. A future, maybe, though I have one. A family of my own, though I have one of these, too. But I feel like in this past year, I have watched the people around me become adults in a very tangible way, and I feel left behind. More than that, I feel like I don't know how to catch up, that I have let my chance at happiness slip by, that I will continue to be alone because I don't know how to be anything but alone, that I have grown so strange and certain that I don't have the skill and suppleness to fit myself around another person anymore. This is where the sadness comes from.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
1 January: Coco Palmolive and I got up before dawn and walked two miles to watch the sun rise over the mountains from Kyoto's Imperial Palace. There was a handful of people scattered throughout the park, and as the sky lightened, a woman paused on her bicycle to tell us, "What you are doing now is a lucky thing." It felt like it.
27 April: Ohno had been coming on for a few months at this point, but I fought it hard. Sho stumbled badly with an ungracious remark in the Step and Go documentary and an unfortunate (and possibly poorly translated -- I never saw the original) quote about 9/11 from years before, and Ohno got an unexpected assist in the form of a fanfic about Arashi trying to pull it together after his tragic accidental death, but April 27 was the day the battle was officially over and the transfer of power complete. I still feel badly about this, but the heart wants what it wants, and in this case, it wants it badly.
27 July: Coco P. will recognize the naming convention: this is marked on my work calendar as "I Will Love Arashi Forever Matsuri". It's a recurring holiday. It's also close enough to my fannish anniversary as to make no difference.
20 September: My sister got married to her boyfriend of many years. It was beautiful and simple and small and so incredibly happy. I'm glad to be able to say that, because in the months leading up to it, I was an emotional wreck (see question 6) in ways that shocked me, and I had some worries that I might somehow let this sadness overwhelm the occasion. It didn't at all, though, I didn't think of it at all: instead, I was overwhelmed by how very much I love my sister and how very happy I was that her husband was finally part of our family.
4 November: Yeah, me and the rest of the world, right.
22 November: My sister's wedding was out of town, and so this was the day of her reception. My sister and her husband are pretty incredibly awesome, I would just like you to know. They requested that in lieu of bringing a gift for them, that guests bring a toy for our local Toys for Tots. My sister had been anxious that people would not read that instruction or would ignore it if they did, but there were toys spilling off the table and onto the floor. One couple brought a pair of bicycles. It was wonderful. But anyway, my main reason for remembering this day is wholly selfish. I misread the invitation and was late to the reception, which is the kind of awful accident that makes you stop and reconsider who you are as a person. I've always been flighty and flaky and scatterbrained. I'm the prototypical subject of despairing "if her head weren't attached to her body ..." comments from parents and teachers. But November 22 is the day I realized that I can't accept this about myself anymore. I have to become a better person, and I am working diligently at it.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Ah. I would say that this was speaking in Japanese to Japanese people and having them reply to me in Japanese and understanding what they said. I started to say that this was kind of awesome, but that doesn't sum it up. This was totally awesome. Our hostess at the ryokan we stayed at switched exclusively to Japanese with us when she brewed our tea on the first afternoon. "I don't know what you said to her," Coco Palmolive grumbled, "but suddenly we weren't getting any English anymore." In Arashiyama, when we were trying to find a strange unpopular temple, the English-speaking city worker helping us closed his guidebook and said flatly, "You speak Japanese," when I suspected he thought I was misspeaking in English and so fumbled through a rough description of the place in Japanese. This is a small thing to be proud of and it sounds like I am bragging, but I have little enough to brag about from this year, so kindly overlook it, please.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I think I covered this well enough up in my comments on November 22.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I broke my toe in Kyoto. I became violently sensitive to the majority of soap products over the summer: at this point, the only product I can use that doesn't burn the skin off of my face after only one use (I am not exaggerating even a little here; it's alarming) is Aveeno Foaming Face Wash for Ridiculously Oversensitive Skin, or something like that. If anyone has any recommendations for ridiculously oversensitive skin, please don't hesitate to share them. And I had my usual string of sinus infection flareups and minor digestive complaints. Oh, also a staph infection in my right index finger.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Many things! Probably my laptop, a pretty red Vaio. Also: a Nintendo DS. An orange iPod Nano solely for Arashi music and videos. A pair of brown wool houseshoes. A Panasonic SLR with Leica lenses. A cast-iron teapot. A new variety of tea that tastes nutty and earthy and wonderful.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My sister. I can't properly express how impressed I am by her and how much I admire her. She's my baby sister, and so it's weird to say this, but I look up to her. I want to be like her when I grow up.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Well, that would be me. Appalled and depressed, and I have to be certain to grow from this, or this is a wasted feeling. I am trying my hardest.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Same place as Snowdrop's: Arashi. This was all amassed during 2008, and the picture was taken prior to either Beautiful Days or my Kokuritsu goods showing up. Idk, guys.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My sister's wedding. Maou. I think that's all that would fall under "really, really, really excited," but undoubtedly I am forgetting something. edit: Oh yeah, there was that election thing. That was all right, I guess.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Take Me Faraway. 565, if anyone is keeping track.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sadder.
b) thinner or fatter? thinner.
c) richer or poorer? richer, which combined with b makes the sheer fact of a a little more so.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I taken classes.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Time online! Or, useless time online, anyway, with no new content and no one to talk to. My laptop lives close to my bed, which, as Coco wisely pointed out two nights ago, is a terrible thing. I need to move it to another room.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family. It was nice! My sister and brother-in-law were around until the early afternoon, and the rest of the day I spent with my parents. We all read our new Christmas books. It was messy that night, so I stayed an extra day. I love my family. I love Christmas.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Oh gosh. Not with anyone I know in real life.
22. How many one-night stands?
None!!!
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Maou. It seems like most of my summer was spent watching Maou, waiting impatiently to watch Maou, or talking about Maou. I am not even kidding. Everything else got relegated.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I've picked up a few inevitable fandom irritations, but none of them rise to the level of hate.
25. What was the best book you read?
Ha ha ha. You know, I read something pretty awesome this year but I can't remember what it was. The last book I read was Stalking Irish Madness, which I started Christmas morning and finished before bedtime.
26. How do you think you have changed this year?
I'm not sure if I have changed much. I have become more self-aware. Also, I have been more easily annoyed, frustrated. My spirit has been less generous. But I think this is because I am tired and sad, and isn't a fundamental change to my character. But I am doing my best to stop feeling this way.
27. What did you want and get?
Oh, lots! See questions 11 and 14. I can't spend any more time on material things without feeling more self-absorbed than even a navel-gazing survey like this allows for. But also, friends. Specifically, I mean elenniel, snoew (though I met both of you at the very end of 2007, I got to know you in 2008), julietbunny, mint_and_mocha, yamapea, cupcake4mafia. I had my eye on all six of you. I think I picked up lockability last year, but in case you were a 2008 add, you too!
28. What did you want and not get?
Hmm. A new mattress? I suppose I could try to get one today. This was not a major disappointment, and I suspect that is the thrust of the question.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don't think I saw enough to say anything meaningful here.
30. What did you do on your birthday?
I am not sure if you all are familiar with the Font Birthday Festival Week: the party starts on Halloween, continues through Election Day, and wraps up on November 6, my birthday. I took the week off. Handed out candy on Halloween, spent Election Night watching returns with my sister and her husband, dinner with friends that week, Coco Palmolive came down for the weekend of the 8th. It was lovely.
31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I felt I had behaved better.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Black, charcoal, grey. Lots of wine and raspberry. An unexpected shift towards pale turquoise towards the end of the year. Deep orange accents. A not insignificant showing of kiwi.
33. What kept you sane?
My mom, my sister, Coco P. and Snowdrop.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh really, do we have to go into this again?
35. Who was the best new person you met?
This is too hard to choose.
36. What was one good quality you thought you possessed in 2008?
Oh, this is hard. A determination to improve.
37. What was one bad quality you thought you possessed in 2008?
Thoughtlessness, or distraction.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
You have to pay attention to the things that are important to you. You have to tend them carefully.
39. What do you look forward to in 2009?
Becoming a better, more thoughtful person.
40. Any big plans for 2009?
Nope. It's all small work, but that doesn't mean it isn't important.
It's 7:25 now, and I am tired. Happy New Year, folks, and may 2009 be better than 2008, even for (or maybe especially for) those of you like Annabel, for whom 2008 was the best yet.