hurn.
The awkward moment when your house mate is making out and you can hear it and you can't think of a subtle way to close to door. (I ended up solving the problem because facebook made me giggle psychotically)
Anyway so as I said, Saints ficcie is on the move and I was writing the giant ass scene with Gaara. To completely loose the meaning I was intending. SO PLEASE, HELP MEH. It's Gaara and Sakura talking, back and forth about morals. But the whole thing just feels wrong and I can't figure out exactly what I want Gaara to say.
So any help, plz.
----
The girls cough, as it turned out seemed to be more then just a cough, she was hacking up big balls of mucus with the act, choking and gasping sometimes with the effort.
“Beginnings of bronchitis.” she said, fingers touching the swollen gland on the girls throat. “Early stages though, and thankfully, easily treated.” Sakura turned a smile to the girl that sat so still on the bench. She turned and gave the nurse a list on instruction and medicines to pick up.
“Is there anything else, Sakura-san?” the nurse said, bustling behind her. Sakura shook her head, putting the stethoscope down by the little girl who looked her up in a slight amount of wonder.
Behind them, Gaara lent coolly at the door way, watching with a detached interest. When he became sure that all was fine, he turned and left. Unsure, Sakura sent a hesitant look at the girl on the table, then went to follow him as there was really nothing else to say to the nurse.
“You are very skilled, I am glad Naruto wasn't exaggerating.” She nodded, feeling a faint trickle of pride coming back into her spine, of confidence.
It was shattered a second later when Gaara turned around suddenly, - he really must have been sure of himself, to not even glance at her position, must have been skilled - to grab her neck. She gave a little squeak, hands flying to his wrist at once, the panic that had been sitting so close to the surface flaring up.
“That's it, isn't it?” he said. “You're afraid.” His voice was even, even as his thumb rubbed, soothing if it weren't for its hold. “I understand your fear of me. Do you know many people I've killed? How easy it is to break a neck?” He didn't seem offended of what she was sure were her wide terrified eyes.
She nodded. If he had eyebrows, she imagined he'd been frowning at her, as it was, the blackness around her eyes was too much, and she felt her muscles of her legs to keep from shaking. “Well yes, I suppose you would. You don't know the practise though. I can't imagine that it was something they mentioned in med-school.” His tone didn't changed.
“I don't understand why Naruto thinks this would help.” Sakura managed to get out.
He ignored her. “Have you ever felt scared, Sakura?” the thumb pressed into her bone, tight enough that her breath hitched, it loosened then went back to what could have been mistaken as a soothing motion.
“It's not that simple.” she snapped, struggling again, trying to avoid him - his gaze was like his wrist, made of iron and trapping her. “It's not just the fear!”
“Then, what is it?”
“It made all of it... everything I worked for a complete lie, there's no safety, no safe place, and I can't undo it, I can't go back. I can't just pretend it never happened.” and I just want to go back to keeping that lie safe, so I can think I'm safe. How dare they take that off me?! She struggled against his grip again, though it didn't work.
“Tell me.” It took her a second to realise he was talking about his question from before.
“I was twenty, I was at the bank, and they used me as hostage for a robbery. They dumped me beside the car when they left.” It probably wasn't the terrible act the whole world was expecting when she wrote her autobiography, it was as impersonal as a .48 held to your head could be. There was no moment where someone died, just a single moment of being a puppet, and the knowledge that she'd never be such again.
You're the lamest superhero ever.
“Then you know what it is to be powerless.” He murmured. “Did you ever get justice for that moment, for that victimisation?”
“No.” she sighed.
“Did you ever wish you could?” the fingers were still soothing, coaxing, but she didn't trust them for a moment.
“... Yes.”
He was silent. “Then you have half of it.” His breath was slow, calm, quiet. She swore he almost made no sound, not even on the old floor boards which had to creek sometimes. “But not the right half.” He let of her throat, turned and kept walking. She followed after, half intrigued, half not wanting to disappoint Naruto's faith that this strange dangerous man had something that Sakura didn't understand, that'd make it okay.
“Do you know what justice is, Sakura?”
She tried to find her voice, but it was still a little sore, so she let him fill in the rest of the worlds, let him lead her to this place. Which as it turned out, was another window, facing out onto the grounds and the children that were bathing in the now mid morning sun. It would be lunch time soon, she noted.
But his words caught her off guard. “Justice, mercy, freedom? They all have something in common. They're lies. Lies we made up. If there is a God, he certainly had no hand in their creation. They were things we needed. To keep the biggest lie of all, hope. Hope that we are safe, that all our suffering will come full circle, that one day we can be free.”
This surely couldn't be what Naruto intended, these harsh words, that Sakura heard the ring of truth to.
“To not have them though, we'd become like animals, like I was. Endless killing and death with no meaning or sense, told by those who were mightier, in charge, things only changing when the old leader was too weak and was replaced by someone stronger. Hope is small and it is fragile. But it is lie... a lie we must continue. It's the hope that is given in law courts... or rather, was given. It is much harder for Justice to work any longer, the fact that I am still allowed to walk around free attests to that.”
Hope, Sakura. The hope you give a family when you give them back their child's life. The lie of hope. What is more important? Sakura looked down out the window where Gaara's gaze had been fixed the whole conversation. There was Naruto, playing with the kids, rolling on the grass, completely care free.
“... It's playing God though, I've no right.”
“Is it? Don't you already do it? There are many who say Doctors have no right to save people. That they should let people die, as it's been decided that it's there time. Doctors and Soldiers, Sakura, they have one thing in common. They are the pre-chosen by society to give and take life. According to the plan.”
“But...” the words were stuck in her throat, all of it was throne into turmoil. “It's going to create something so much worse...” she could see the copy cats, only they wouldn't have these words, have these conversations about hope, about justice about lies that needed protecting.
“Probably. You will have to cross that path when you come to it.”
“I didn't want to cross this one!” she tried not to yell, instead it came out a furious whisper.
There was no answer. Slowly, blearily, eyes blurring her vision as she looked down at a little girl kick a ball around, she realised, there never would be.
What if... What if...
She never wanted this to happen, she didn't want this responsibility... but Gaara's words, they played in her mind.
What if...
There was no what if. There was no going back, she could wish, scream and beg. But there was no going back. She cleared her eyes. She... there was a knot in her throat. Different to the one of this past week. It was no longer a stinging regret. What if... She swallowed the knot down. There was. There was the patient in front of you. A choice, a choice for life and death you had to make. A choice had power, and power had...
Maybe... maybe...
“Try to sleep better now, Dr. Haruno.” Gaara said to her as she turned away, mind churning with far too much, to cover everything that he had just said, everything he hadn't said, “Justice isn't revenge. Doctors aren't allowed to treat the ones they love.”
The thin line.
Sakura went down the stairs to find Naruto.
Anyway so as I said, Saints ficcie is on the move and I was writing the giant ass scene with Gaara. To completely loose the meaning I was intending. SO PLEASE, HELP MEH. It's Gaara and Sakura talking, back and forth about morals. But the whole thing just feels wrong and I can't figure out exactly what I want Gaara to say.
So any help, plz.
----
The girls cough, as it turned out seemed to be more then just a cough, she was hacking up big balls of mucus with the act, choking and gasping sometimes with the effort.
“Beginnings of bronchitis.” she said, fingers touching the swollen gland on the girls throat. “Early stages though, and thankfully, easily treated.” Sakura turned a smile to the girl that sat so still on the bench. She turned and gave the nurse a list on instruction and medicines to pick up.
“Is there anything else, Sakura-san?” the nurse said, bustling behind her. Sakura shook her head, putting the stethoscope down by the little girl who looked her up in a slight amount of wonder.
Behind them, Gaara lent coolly at the door way, watching with a detached interest. When he became sure that all was fine, he turned and left. Unsure, Sakura sent a hesitant look at the girl on the table, then went to follow him as there was really nothing else to say to the nurse.
“You are very skilled, I am glad Naruto wasn't exaggerating.” She nodded, feeling a faint trickle of pride coming back into her spine, of confidence.
It was shattered a second later when Gaara turned around suddenly, - he really must have been sure of himself, to not even glance at her position, must have been skilled - to grab her neck. She gave a little squeak, hands flying to his wrist at once, the panic that had been sitting so close to the surface flaring up.
“That's it, isn't it?” he said. “You're afraid.” His voice was even, even as his thumb rubbed, soothing if it weren't for its hold. “I understand your fear of me. Do you know many people I've killed? How easy it is to break a neck?” He didn't seem offended of what she was sure were her wide terrified eyes.
She nodded. If he had eyebrows, she imagined he'd been frowning at her, as it was, the blackness around her eyes was too much, and she felt her muscles of her legs to keep from shaking. “Well yes, I suppose you would. You don't know the practise though. I can't imagine that it was something they mentioned in med-school.” His tone didn't changed.
“I don't understand why Naruto thinks this would help.” Sakura managed to get out.
He ignored her. “Have you ever felt scared, Sakura?” the thumb pressed into her bone, tight enough that her breath hitched, it loosened then went back to what could have been mistaken as a soothing motion.
“It's not that simple.” she snapped, struggling again, trying to avoid him - his gaze was like his wrist, made of iron and trapping her. “It's not just the fear!”
“Then, what is it?”
“It made all of it... everything I worked for a complete lie, there's no safety, no safe place, and I can't undo it, I can't go back. I can't just pretend it never happened.” and I just want to go back to keeping that lie safe, so I can think I'm safe. How dare they take that off me?! She struggled against his grip again, though it didn't work.
“Tell me.” It took her a second to realise he was talking about his question from before.
“I was twenty, I was at the bank, and they used me as hostage for a robbery. They dumped me beside the car when they left.” It probably wasn't the terrible act the whole world was expecting when she wrote her autobiography, it was as impersonal as a .48 held to your head could be. There was no moment where someone died, just a single moment of being a puppet, and the knowledge that she'd never be such again.
You're the lamest superhero ever.
“Then you know what it is to be powerless.” He murmured. “Did you ever get justice for that moment, for that victimisation?”
“No.” she sighed.
“Did you ever wish you could?” the fingers were still soothing, coaxing, but she didn't trust them for a moment.
“... Yes.”
He was silent. “Then you have half of it.” His breath was slow, calm, quiet. She swore he almost made no sound, not even on the old floor boards which had to creek sometimes. “But not the right half.” He let of her throat, turned and kept walking. She followed after, half intrigued, half not wanting to disappoint Naruto's faith that this strange dangerous man had something that Sakura didn't understand, that'd make it okay.
“Do you know what justice is, Sakura?”
She tried to find her voice, but it was still a little sore, so she let him fill in the rest of the worlds, let him lead her to this place. Which as it turned out, was another window, facing out onto the grounds and the children that were bathing in the now mid morning sun. It would be lunch time soon, she noted.
But his words caught her off guard. “Justice, mercy, freedom? They all have something in common. They're lies. Lies we made up. If there is a God, he certainly had no hand in their creation. They were things we needed. To keep the biggest lie of all, hope. Hope that we are safe, that all our suffering will come full circle, that one day we can be free.”
This surely couldn't be what Naruto intended, these harsh words, that Sakura heard the ring of truth to.
“To not have them though, we'd become like animals, like I was. Endless killing and death with no meaning or sense, told by those who were mightier, in charge, things only changing when the old leader was too weak and was replaced by someone stronger. Hope is small and it is fragile. But it is lie... a lie we must continue. It's the hope that is given in law courts... or rather, was given. It is much harder for Justice to work any longer, the fact that I am still allowed to walk around free attests to that.”
Hope, Sakura. The hope you give a family when you give them back their child's life. The lie of hope. What is more important? Sakura looked down out the window where Gaara's gaze had been fixed the whole conversation. There was Naruto, playing with the kids, rolling on the grass, completely care free.
“... It's playing God though, I've no right.”
“Is it? Don't you already do it? There are many who say Doctors have no right to save people. That they should let people die, as it's been decided that it's there time. Doctors and Soldiers, Sakura, they have one thing in common. They are the pre-chosen by society to give and take life. According to the plan.”
“But...” the words were stuck in her throat, all of it was throne into turmoil. “It's going to create something so much worse...” she could see the copy cats, only they wouldn't have these words, have these conversations about hope, about justice about lies that needed protecting.
“Probably. You will have to cross that path when you come to it.”
“I didn't want to cross this one!” she tried not to yell, instead it came out a furious whisper.
There was no answer. Slowly, blearily, eyes blurring her vision as she looked down at a little girl kick a ball around, she realised, there never would be.
What if... What if...
She never wanted this to happen, she didn't want this responsibility... but Gaara's words, they played in her mind.
What if...
There was no what if. There was no going back, she could wish, scream and beg. But there was no going back. She cleared her eyes. She... there was a knot in her throat. Different to the one of this past week. It was no longer a stinging regret. What if... She swallowed the knot down. There was. There was the patient in front of you. A choice, a choice for life and death you had to make. A choice had power, and power had...
Maybe... maybe...
“Try to sleep better now, Dr. Haruno.” Gaara said to her as she turned away, mind churning with far too much, to cover everything that he had just said, everything he hadn't said, “Justice isn't revenge. Doctors aren't allowed to treat the ones they love.”
The thin line.
Sakura went down the stairs to find Naruto.