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I find it harder and harder to go to sleep. And not because Florian snores. I had thought things might be looking up, but then it all just falls apart again. Story of life, I suppose. There should be more to it than this though. I want to be able to find my purpose here, if I have one at all. I don't miss home at all... as sad as that is. Things
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... I did not know that Mt. Zaleho was were they took you all after the attack. I did not even know that my brothers were in danger. The people who saved me reassured me that you were all safe and would join us later. And then they told me that you were all killed as a result.. When I heard word that my brothers died, I did die with you. There was nothing else I knew that made my life more fulfilling. With only my sadness, I was easily pulled into the Order's ways after that because I didn't care about anything any more. I was hollow and I needed something to fill it up. My caretakers were the only ones I knew... Now that I'm free of them? I feel so relieved. I do. If I had known then that there was more to life than the Score, I would have gladly joined you all sooner. But I suppose that is water under the bridge now.
When I saw you again, even though you did attempt to kill me, I was relieved because I saw some glimpse of my old happiness again. The happiness I had with my brothers that got buried so deep in my mind. Of course, it was not long after that when you "died" again and that happiness was gone. So, when I discovered that you were on this island, I was overjoyed. Perhaps I was invasive because of that. I am sorry. I was alone in the world, and then you appeared and I could literally see the clouds in my mind clear away. Is it so wrong that we as humans want to find and cling to happiness? Just as you with the Doctor. He makes you happy, right? I am glad about him, you know? Really. I, if nothing else, respect him, as a doctor and as a father, because he is there for you while I cannot be. I want you to be happy, Sync. ... I just wanted to attempt happiness myself. For that, I am sorry. I did not know I troubled you so much, because I remember how distant you were when we were children as well. I only wanted to try and make you happy.
Fine. I accept that I make you unhappy now. You missed my point of my address to you in this journal though. Did Florian make you unhappy? Spend time with him. He is your brother, too, and he got to share all the same pains that you did because of me. Why not save him from me, too? I am nothing to anyone without the Order needing me. I feel released, but at the same time I feel alone and worthless. See? Now the shoe is on the other foot, for both of us. I am you, and you are me. The Order of Lorelei is not on this island, and you have found someone who wants to protect you.
I do hope and pray that you enjoy your life, Sync. You deserve every happiness you can get. I pray that the doctor and you are happy, and that you really enjoy having a family for once. It is only my regret that you could not feel like our brothers and I were family. There is so much I wish I could turn back the time and change about all that...
Don't keep Florian out of your life though. He doesn't deserve it. He is not me. He was there with you when I got taken back into the church. He was with you when the church was attacked. Do not disown him for my mistakes. That's all I ask of you now. He needs you.
Good... bye...
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