woah
it has been ABSOLUTELY forever since ive posted anything on here.
everything has changed.
change is good.
my life is pretty fantastic.
talking to chris today really sparked some thoughts in my head. i even whipped out my old notebook from high school. i was really weird. i like it. i was so different. it was nice to relive some memories.
im a little lost. i dont know how i feel right now, at all. i feel like i can be completely honest with chris except for this one thing. i might have even lied to him about it just because it was the wrong time to talk about it.i cant seem to find the right time. i sorta feel bad about lying to him. i sure he'll understand. like, we're boyfriend and girlfriend but he doesnt want anything serious. rightfully so. hes been through alot. i just sorta dont like that he talks alot about us being friends and stuff. its almost like hes prepping me for a breakup.honestly, it scares the shit outta me. i mean, i love that we've built this relationship on being friends but i dont like that he says that things dont last forever. i dont really wanna be constantly reminded that we're not gonna last. i just wish he could be happy with "right now". i have sorta shown him this side of me, i spent a chunk of saturday night crying while he held me. i was just worried about "us" and what the future would hold. i try to be strong and realistic when we talk about it but i just....cant. it just hurts. it brings a rush of emotions to me even thinking about it now =/
and i really dont think he does it on purpose, at all. hes just being truthful about his life. i just wish that he could be as attatched to me as i am to him. i wish he could FEEL what i feel when im around him. i think his past relationship has left him a little numb.
i dont wanna mention this in front of him because i feel like it would put stress on the relationship and thats the last thing i want to do. maybe i should, its a legitimate concern and he should know about it. i just wish there was a way to tell him that i have fallen for him, COMPLETELY fallen for him. im just at a loss with it. but i guess for now, we're good. hes the absolute sweetest person ive ever been around and i loveeee spending time with him. there's no one i can open up to more than him. i can be my rediculous self around him all the time and know that hes gonna come back with something even more rediculous. i just see us together for a long time, i dont see any reason why i would wanna end things. this is different, this is real and i dont want it to go away.
its 3am. i wanna talk to him really bad right now but it can wait till morning.he needs his sleep. maybe i'll just tell him to read it. i dont want him to be hurt by it, at all. thats not what it was meant to do. i just want him to be aware of the feelings i have towards him. he means the world to me and i just get nervous sometimes =/
everything has changed.
change is good.
my life is pretty fantastic.
talking to chris today really sparked some thoughts in my head. i even whipped out my old notebook from high school. i was really weird. i like it. i was so different. it was nice to relive some memories.
im a little lost. i dont know how i feel right now, at all. i feel like i can be completely honest with chris except for this one thing. i might have even lied to him about it just because it was the wrong time to talk about it.i cant seem to find the right time. i sorta feel bad about lying to him. i sure he'll understand. like, we're boyfriend and girlfriend but he doesnt want anything serious. rightfully so. hes been through alot. i just sorta dont like that he talks alot about us being friends and stuff. its almost like hes prepping me for a breakup.honestly, it scares the shit outta me. i mean, i love that we've built this relationship on being friends but i dont like that he says that things dont last forever. i dont really wanna be constantly reminded that we're not gonna last. i just wish he could be happy with "right now". i have sorta shown him this side of me, i spent a chunk of saturday night crying while he held me. i was just worried about "us" and what the future would hold. i try to be strong and realistic when we talk about it but i just....cant. it just hurts. it brings a rush of emotions to me even thinking about it now =/
and i really dont think he does it on purpose, at all. hes just being truthful about his life. i just wish that he could be as attatched to me as i am to him. i wish he could FEEL what i feel when im around him. i think his past relationship has left him a little numb.
i dont wanna mention this in front of him because i feel like it would put stress on the relationship and thats the last thing i want to do. maybe i should, its a legitimate concern and he should know about it. i just wish there was a way to tell him that i have fallen for him, COMPLETELY fallen for him. im just at a loss with it. but i guess for now, we're good. hes the absolute sweetest person ive ever been around and i loveeee spending time with him. there's no one i can open up to more than him. i can be my rediculous self around him all the time and know that hes gonna come back with something even more rediculous. i just see us together for a long time, i dont see any reason why i would wanna end things. this is different, this is real and i dont want it to go away.
its 3am. i wanna talk to him really bad right now but it can wait till morning.he needs his sleep. maybe i'll just tell him to read it. i dont want him to be hurt by it, at all. thats not what it was meant to do. i just want him to be aware of the feelings i have towards him. he means the world to me and i just get nervous sometimes =/