The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
I could only read a couple of old posts. The more things change the more they stay the same.
I try to remember what it was like to be a Christian. It's so easy to forget. I don't really remember anymore. I miss being so naive. I wanted to believe in God. Any god really. At least then it was easy to feel absolved from the fucked up things I've done in my life.
It's okay though. The universe make so much more sense without the idea of some eternal being in the sky with some shitty plan that no one could ever make any sense of.
I control my own destiny.
I'm doing an equally shitty job of it though. At least I'm not naive enough to not take responsibility for it.
I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel. Indifferent, I guess.
My teenage angst has become adult apathy. And my apathy is disgusting sometimes. I want to be better. I want to do better. But some things haven't changed.
I get tired of getting high every night after everyone goes to bed. It may be the only cure to my apathy. It makes me think better... About the things I could be. But when I wake up I know tomorrow is going to be the same as today, and then I have another 3 days after that to get through the week. Every day is the same. Sometimes I even forget what day it is.
My daughter gives me hope though. Hope that I won't be worthless forever. And maybe one day I'll even be who I always knew I could be.
But what's holding me back? Just me?
I wish I was a better husband. But I can't seem to get through anything without being irritated to the point of losing my cool. Emily deserves better than that. Though I still feel like she's searching for something I can never give her. I still know there are parts of ourselves that seem impossible to share with each other.
Locked doors. Hidden keys. Painted black windows. We're hiding in plain view from one another. Sometimes I forget who we are.
It shouldn't be that hard to remember. I shouldn't have to force myself through reading old blog posts and listening to old songs to think "yeah, I remember feeling that way." I still want to be in love. We could be. Maybe if we weren't such strangers. Maybe if we could let each other in again. I know we both try. We have good intentions until it falls apart at the end of the day. Back to square one.
I'm sure it's my own fault. I'm not an easy person to deal with anymore. I'm boring, I'm bored, I'm apathetic. I should have never started talking to Sarah in the first place before Zoey was born. I'm pretty sure that's where it started. I haven't spoken to her in over a year but I still feel like that was the thing that killed it. We tried really hard this year. And sometimes it was amazing. But I feel like we jaunt started that process over again and it's back to square one. And this time I don't even have someone to talk me through it. Tell me I'm good enough. Tell me that I'll be okay.. Make me feel wanted... And actually mean it.
I just feel like maybe I've given up. On me, on her, on everything... Except Zoey. I love her more than anything. Absolutely anything. I would die without Zoey.
I never went to California. I don't even care. I'd be alone there too. I'll be alone wherever I am until I can figure myself out.
Until then... No one is listening anyways.
I try to remember what it was like to be a Christian. It's so easy to forget. I don't really remember anymore. I miss being so naive. I wanted to believe in God. Any god really. At least then it was easy to feel absolved from the fucked up things I've done in my life.
It's okay though. The universe make so much more sense without the idea of some eternal being in the sky with some shitty plan that no one could ever make any sense of.
I control my own destiny.
I'm doing an equally shitty job of it though. At least I'm not naive enough to not take responsibility for it.
I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel. Indifferent, I guess.
My teenage angst has become adult apathy. And my apathy is disgusting sometimes. I want to be better. I want to do better. But some things haven't changed.
I get tired of getting high every night after everyone goes to bed. It may be the only cure to my apathy. It makes me think better... About the things I could be. But when I wake up I know tomorrow is going to be the same as today, and then I have another 3 days after that to get through the week. Every day is the same. Sometimes I even forget what day it is.
My daughter gives me hope though. Hope that I won't be worthless forever. And maybe one day I'll even be who I always knew I could be.
But what's holding me back? Just me?
I wish I was a better husband. But I can't seem to get through anything without being irritated to the point of losing my cool. Emily deserves better than that. Though I still feel like she's searching for something I can never give her. I still know there are parts of ourselves that seem impossible to share with each other.
Locked doors. Hidden keys. Painted black windows. We're hiding in plain view from one another. Sometimes I forget who we are.
It shouldn't be that hard to remember. I shouldn't have to force myself through reading old blog posts and listening to old songs to think "yeah, I remember feeling that way." I still want to be in love. We could be. Maybe if we weren't such strangers. Maybe if we could let each other in again. I know we both try. We have good intentions until it falls apart at the end of the day. Back to square one.
I'm sure it's my own fault. I'm not an easy person to deal with anymore. I'm boring, I'm bored, I'm apathetic. I should have never started talking to Sarah in the first place before Zoey was born. I'm pretty sure that's where it started. I haven't spoken to her in over a year but I still feel like that was the thing that killed it. We tried really hard this year. And sometimes it was amazing. But I feel like we jaunt started that process over again and it's back to square one. And this time I don't even have someone to talk me through it. Tell me I'm good enough. Tell me that I'll be okay.. Make me feel wanted... And actually mean it.
I just feel like maybe I've given up. On me, on her, on everything... Except Zoey. I love her more than anything. Absolutely anything. I would die without Zoey.
I never went to California. I don't even care. I'd be alone there too. I'll be alone wherever I am until I can figure myself out.
Until then... No one is listening anyways.