If I Can't Have You: Part 1
Pairing: Kradam (Kris Allen and Adam Lambert)
Rating: PG
Summary: This is the beginning. Adam and Kris get to know each other, but have no idea what is to come.
Part 1
“This is so inconvenient,” he sighed, closing his eyes for just a moment.
In a crowd of 147 Idol hopefuls, his eyes were fastened on just one person. Smaller stature than himself, light brown hair, crinkles around his eyes when he smiled. And when he smiled, like he was doing at Adam right now, it made the tiny butterflies in Adam’s stomach begin to feel like the Air Force was doing maneuvers inside of him.
It was Day 1 in Hollywood, his first chance to size up the competition. Kris looked around the theatre at the nervous, expectant, eager faces around him. He recognized a few from his audition in Louisville, but most were new. His eyes were struck by a head of black hair, eyes lined strikingly in black, a few rows away. Kris wasn’t used to guys like that in Arkansas, but when the stranger returned his smile, there was a softness that spread over his handsome face, and a certain flash in his eyes that caused Kris to hold the connection a few seconds longer than a friendly smile in passing would have lasted. The rumble of conversation ceased as the judges made their way to the stage, and the competition began.
~~~~~
“I’m Adam,” he said, offering his hand to Kris, who shook it and introduced himself. “Is anyone sitting here?” he asked, gesturing to the empty seat beside Kris.
“Oh, no, go ahead. This is Matt,” Kris said, when Adam looked expectantly at the other man, who had just stuffed his mouth full of a turkey sandwich.
“Cool, good to meet you, man,” Adam reached out his hand to Matt, before joining them.
A few other people came randomly by and sat with them, and they eased into a loud and boisterous conversation immediately. Megan and Allison added their own peculiarities to the group once Nick had found Adam and joined them. Matt was already doing impressions of Simon and Randy. They couldn’t get enough Normund Gentle. Nathaniel was being a drama queen, but making them all laugh. Strangers, but they all felt an immediate connection.
“I’m just gonna make a pit stop before we get back to it,” Matt said, still laughing from the last thing Nick had said, as he and the others left the table a moment earlier. “Catch you guys later.”
“Matt’s a great guy, almost as crazy as me,” Adam laughed, now left alone with Kris. “Well, maybe not as crazy as me. Actually, I think we could probably have called this the crazy table,” he laughed. “Oh well, everyone else was just jealous we were having so much fun!”
“Yeah,” Kris laughed.
“Well, you’re not crazy,” Adam assured him, his voice soft, unconsciously reaching his arm out and patting Kris on the shoulder. Kris would usually have flinched slightly at a sudden touch like that. He was a more reserved person that liked his space. But it wasn’t the touch that unnerved him; it was the coldness he felt when Adam pulled back his hand that was unsettling.
“I guess I better go, too,” he said, hesitantly. “I promised I’d call my wife and tell her how the morning went, and I don’t want to get in trouble,” he laughed, half-heartedly.
“Oh, really?” Adam shrugged off the surprise in his voice. “Yeah, avoid trouble at all costs,” he added, lamely.
“Wow. I must’ve gotten my wires crossed on that one,” he thought, collecting his tray and slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder.
~~~~~
With each round of semi-finals, they made it through. Adam survived the criticism of being too dramatic. Kris stood behind him on stage, wishing he could reach out and send his support in some way. They cheered for each others’ group performances. Kris was blown away with Adam’s rendition of Believe, with the power of his voice and the real emotion he was finally able to show the judges. They’d catch each other in the halls of the hotel, in the dining room, sit together in the theatre. Then they found themselves waiting for the judges’ decisions. Looking around Room #1, Adam felt confident. There was Matt, Danny, Megan, Lil, Anoop. He knew they were good, and he knew he was good. He was sure they would get through. Sitting on the floor, holding a worried Jackie, his mind was drifting to Kris through the long wait. And where was Kris? Sitting on the floor in another room, looking around at the others there, worrying that he wasn’t in a room with sure-things like Adam or Danny. He got to spend his time with Tatiana, thinking it was impossible that the judges could advance her along any further, and that must mean it was the end of the road for him, too.
But, they were safe. For now. There was a final cut, but they made it through that, too. Top 36. The next step would be to sing for America.
“I knew you’d make it,” Adam assured Kris that night. Kris was lost in thought, standing with his arms crossed, staring blankly at a painting on the wall of the lobby. He startled and turned around quickly. “Oh, sorry! Did I scare you?” Adam laughed.
“Yeah, you did!” Kris laughed back. “I was… I don’t know where I was, actually. Just kinda lost in what this all means, you know?”
“Yeah, I do. I’m sorta lost in it all myself.”
Adam stood with him for several minutes, neither man saying anything. They just stood together, Kris with his arms crossed again, Adam with his hands in his pockets, staring ahead. They were standing about as close as two people could, side by side, without touching. Finally, Adam turned to Kris and opened his mouth, about to say something, anything, to break the silence, when Kris’ phone rang. Adam sucked back in those words from the tip of his tongue. Words that could have revealed too much through his faulty verbal filter. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, Kris said, reluctantly, “It’s Katy.” Adam nodded, his jaw clenched unconsciously, and told Kris he’d catch him in the morning before check-out.
~~~~~
Getting back to regular life, Adam had tried hard to put those brown eyes out of his mind. Those fingers that strummed a guitar so delicately, so masterfully. The quirky laugh, the southern drawl, the hair he wanted to run his fingers through, the stubble he wanted to scratch against his cheek. He tried hard to put it all out of his mind, and he did, for the most part. He had enough on his mind with Brad, fighting with his brother, paying the rent. But with one word, all those thoughts came crashing back to him.
“Hey!” an excited voice called to him from across the lobby.
“Hey!” he called back, with a wave.
“Have you even moved?” Kris laughed, looking up between Adam’s face and the painting. It took Adam a few seconds to realize what he meant.
“Oh, yeah, I have,” he laughed, when he realized he was standing in the same place, in front of the same painting, that he stood when they last saw each other on their last night at the hotel before heading back to real life. Not being a morning person, Adam had missed saying good-bye to Kris before he left for his early flight back to Arkansas. But Kris had saved every text and voice mail Adam had left him since then. He didn’t know why, but he just couldn’t delete them. He didn’t know how many times he had re-read and re-played them, and he didn’t know why; he just couldn’t help it.
~~~~~
“Damn, he’s cute!” Mishavonna said to Jeanine, leaning into the other woman to turn and get a longer look as Kris walked by.
“Married,” Adam shrugged.
“All the cute ones are married or-“ she looked up at Adam, and they all burst out laughing.
“Luckily for me,” he winked, taking another sip of coffee to hide his smirk.
Group 2 was becoming really close. Everyone got along, there were no divas or drama queens, and they really wanted the best for each other. Adam had no idea what to expect when he went into this next step of the competition. What he didn’t realize was how much of an impact he had on how the group meshed together. His leadership, based on years of living and working as a member of a cast, came out naturally, and the twelve young men and women became a tight-knit group with him at the center. He was also thrilled that he was grouped with so many of the people he had connected with in those first days in Hollywood. They quickly fell into easy conversation, laughing and teasing and hugging and reassuring one another.
When they were given their group numbers, Adam was excited to see that Kris was in his group. The excitement immediately turned to apprehension. He hadn’t forgotten Kris over the months they had each been back at home. They had kept in touch, and had gotten to know a little more about each other. Adam knew how in-love Kris was with his wife, how committed he was, but he couldn’t help thinking there was something else there. That this attraction wasn’t one-sided. Adam had been there before; straight guys that were curious but not willing to take the step when the opportunity came up. He just didn’t know about Kris. But, regardless of that, he was worried that his own feelings would become too big of a distraction for him, and he needed to focus on the job at hand: the long journey to becoming a superstar.
Rating: PG
Summary: This is the beginning. Adam and Kris get to know each other, but have no idea what is to come.
Part 1
“This is so inconvenient,” he sighed, closing his eyes for just a moment.
In a crowd of 147 Idol hopefuls, his eyes were fastened on just one person. Smaller stature than himself, light brown hair, crinkles around his eyes when he smiled. And when he smiled, like he was doing at Adam right now, it made the tiny butterflies in Adam’s stomach begin to feel like the Air Force was doing maneuvers inside of him.
It was Day 1 in Hollywood, his first chance to size up the competition. Kris looked around the theatre at the nervous, expectant, eager faces around him. He recognized a few from his audition in Louisville, but most were new. His eyes were struck by a head of black hair, eyes lined strikingly in black, a few rows away. Kris wasn’t used to guys like that in Arkansas, but when the stranger returned his smile, there was a softness that spread over his handsome face, and a certain flash in his eyes that caused Kris to hold the connection a few seconds longer than a friendly smile in passing would have lasted. The rumble of conversation ceased as the judges made their way to the stage, and the competition began.
~~~~~
“I’m Adam,” he said, offering his hand to Kris, who shook it and introduced himself. “Is anyone sitting here?” he asked, gesturing to the empty seat beside Kris.
“Oh, no, go ahead. This is Matt,” Kris said, when Adam looked expectantly at the other man, who had just stuffed his mouth full of a turkey sandwich.
“Cool, good to meet you, man,” Adam reached out his hand to Matt, before joining them.
A few other people came randomly by and sat with them, and they eased into a loud and boisterous conversation immediately. Megan and Allison added their own peculiarities to the group once Nick had found Adam and joined them. Matt was already doing impressions of Simon and Randy. They couldn’t get enough Normund Gentle. Nathaniel was being a drama queen, but making them all laugh. Strangers, but they all felt an immediate connection.
“I’m just gonna make a pit stop before we get back to it,” Matt said, still laughing from the last thing Nick had said, as he and the others left the table a moment earlier. “Catch you guys later.”
“Matt’s a great guy, almost as crazy as me,” Adam laughed, now left alone with Kris. “Well, maybe not as crazy as me. Actually, I think we could probably have called this the crazy table,” he laughed. “Oh well, everyone else was just jealous we were having so much fun!”
“Yeah,” Kris laughed.
“Well, you’re not crazy,” Adam assured him, his voice soft, unconsciously reaching his arm out and patting Kris on the shoulder. Kris would usually have flinched slightly at a sudden touch like that. He was a more reserved person that liked his space. But it wasn’t the touch that unnerved him; it was the coldness he felt when Adam pulled back his hand that was unsettling.
“I guess I better go, too,” he said, hesitantly. “I promised I’d call my wife and tell her how the morning went, and I don’t want to get in trouble,” he laughed, half-heartedly.
“Oh, really?” Adam shrugged off the surprise in his voice. “Yeah, avoid trouble at all costs,” he added, lamely.
“Wow. I must’ve gotten my wires crossed on that one,” he thought, collecting his tray and slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder.
~~~~~
With each round of semi-finals, they made it through. Adam survived the criticism of being too dramatic. Kris stood behind him on stage, wishing he could reach out and send his support in some way. They cheered for each others’ group performances. Kris was blown away with Adam’s rendition of Believe, with the power of his voice and the real emotion he was finally able to show the judges. They’d catch each other in the halls of the hotel, in the dining room, sit together in the theatre. Then they found themselves waiting for the judges’ decisions. Looking around Room #1, Adam felt confident. There was Matt, Danny, Megan, Lil, Anoop. He knew they were good, and he knew he was good. He was sure they would get through. Sitting on the floor, holding a worried Jackie, his mind was drifting to Kris through the long wait. And where was Kris? Sitting on the floor in another room, looking around at the others there, worrying that he wasn’t in a room with sure-things like Adam or Danny. He got to spend his time with Tatiana, thinking it was impossible that the judges could advance her along any further, and that must mean it was the end of the road for him, too.
But, they were safe. For now. There was a final cut, but they made it through that, too. Top 36. The next step would be to sing for America.
“I knew you’d make it,” Adam assured Kris that night. Kris was lost in thought, standing with his arms crossed, staring blankly at a painting on the wall of the lobby. He startled and turned around quickly. “Oh, sorry! Did I scare you?” Adam laughed.
“Yeah, you did!” Kris laughed back. “I was… I don’t know where I was, actually. Just kinda lost in what this all means, you know?”
“Yeah, I do. I’m sorta lost in it all myself.”
Adam stood with him for several minutes, neither man saying anything. They just stood together, Kris with his arms crossed again, Adam with his hands in his pockets, staring ahead. They were standing about as close as two people could, side by side, without touching. Finally, Adam turned to Kris and opened his mouth, about to say something, anything, to break the silence, when Kris’ phone rang. Adam sucked back in those words from the tip of his tongue. Words that could have revealed too much through his faulty verbal filter. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, Kris said, reluctantly, “It’s Katy.” Adam nodded, his jaw clenched unconsciously, and told Kris he’d catch him in the morning before check-out.
~~~~~
Getting back to regular life, Adam had tried hard to put those brown eyes out of his mind. Those fingers that strummed a guitar so delicately, so masterfully. The quirky laugh, the southern drawl, the hair he wanted to run his fingers through, the stubble he wanted to scratch against his cheek. He tried hard to put it all out of his mind, and he did, for the most part. He had enough on his mind with Brad, fighting with his brother, paying the rent. But with one word, all those thoughts came crashing back to him.
“Hey!” an excited voice called to him from across the lobby.
“Hey!” he called back, with a wave.
“Have you even moved?” Kris laughed, looking up between Adam’s face and the painting. It took Adam a few seconds to realize what he meant.
“Oh, yeah, I have,” he laughed, when he realized he was standing in the same place, in front of the same painting, that he stood when they last saw each other on their last night at the hotel before heading back to real life. Not being a morning person, Adam had missed saying good-bye to Kris before he left for his early flight back to Arkansas. But Kris had saved every text and voice mail Adam had left him since then. He didn’t know why, but he just couldn’t delete them. He didn’t know how many times he had re-read and re-played them, and he didn’t know why; he just couldn’t help it.
~~~~~
“Damn, he’s cute!” Mishavonna said to Jeanine, leaning into the other woman to turn and get a longer look as Kris walked by.
“Married,” Adam shrugged.
“All the cute ones are married or-“ she looked up at Adam, and they all burst out laughing.
“Luckily for me,” he winked, taking another sip of coffee to hide his smirk.
Group 2 was becoming really close. Everyone got along, there were no divas or drama queens, and they really wanted the best for each other. Adam had no idea what to expect when he went into this next step of the competition. What he didn’t realize was how much of an impact he had on how the group meshed together. His leadership, based on years of living and working as a member of a cast, came out naturally, and the twelve young men and women became a tight-knit group with him at the center. He was also thrilled that he was grouped with so many of the people he had connected with in those first days in Hollywood. They quickly fell into easy conversation, laughing and teasing and hugging and reassuring one another.
When they were given their group numbers, Adam was excited to see that Kris was in his group. The excitement immediately turned to apprehension. He hadn’t forgotten Kris over the months they had each been back at home. They had kept in touch, and had gotten to know a little more about each other. Adam knew how in-love Kris was with his wife, how committed he was, but he couldn’t help thinking there was something else there. That this attraction wasn’t one-sided. Adam had been there before; straight guys that were curious but not willing to take the step when the opportunity came up. He just didn’t know about Kris. But, regardless of that, he was worried that his own feelings would become too big of a distraction for him, and he needed to focus on the job at hand: the long journey to becoming a superstar.