Harboured and Encompassed, Chapter 23

[bbcphile]

Title: Harboured and Encompassed

Author: BBCPhile

Chapter: 23/25

Word Count: 7734

Pairing: Horatio Hornblower/Archie Kennedy

AO3 link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9135700/chapters/24542550

Trigger warnings: Eating disorders, hospitals, panic attack

North, East, South, West. North, East, South, West.

Archie ran his thumb across the compass in his pocket and tried to stop shaking. Horatio would be alright. He had to be. It had only been an hour since he’d gone into surgery. And these types of operations weren’t supposed to be dangerous. So the realignment would be a success, and then Horatio would wake up, and he’d be alright--

What if he didn’t wake up?

Archie fumbled the compass as his fingers started to shake harder. His chest began to tighten, there wasn’t enough air, he--

Fuck. Not again. He couldn’t disappear for another crying jag and panic attack in the toilets. Hannah was already starting to look suspicious. He couldn’t make her worry.

He didn’t deserve her concern.

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe slowly, in through his nose and out through his mouth. He could pretend everything was fine. He had to, for Horatio.

If only the room would stop spinning, he could--

“--Archie?” Hannah’s voice shattered his thoughts.

He jumped, his eyes flying open to assess the threat, then tried not to wince at Hannah’s concerned expression. So much for his acting skills. He blinked and tried to focus. Had she been saying something? “W-what?” Fucking hell, Archie, keep it together. Stop stuttering.

The furrow in Hannah’s brow grew deeper. “--I said, I was going to get something to eat from the cafeteria. Are you sure you don’t want anything? Some tea? A muffin?”

Archie shook his head as his stomach lurched. “Not hungry.”

Hannah frowned. “It’s really no trouble at all. And Archie, I really think you should try to--”

She stopped short, then glanced down at her pocket, which had started glowing and vibrating, and took out her phone. She frowned at the number, then hesitated. “I should take this,” she said apologetically, before swiping to answer. “Hello?” A pause. “Yes, speaking.” Another pause, then she glanced over at Archie. “Ah, yes. Thank you for calling. Tomorrow might work better for that, actually. We’ll be at hospital for awhile longer.”

Archie raised an eyebrow at her. Hannah hesitated, frowned, then mouthed the word “police” at him.

The oxygen disappeared from the room.

He closed his eyes and tried to force himself to breathe, pressing his thumb more forcefully against the raised compass points. What was he afraid of? Simpson couldn’t hurt him anymore. Not physically, at least. And it wasn’t just his word against Simpson; there was definitive evidence. Eyewitness accounts. It wouldn’t be like it had been with Eccleston or Keene.

A bitter little voice inside insisted it would be just like that.

He shook his head. He was being selfish. He couldn’t keep quiet any longer. Not when Horatio had paid the price--

Oh, God. Will. Will had been counting on him to look after Horatio. But he’d fucked that up, too, and hurt Horatio instead. Will would be furious at him. And rightly so.

“Right. Thank you, Officer Bowles. We’ll be in touch.” Hannah pocketed the phone. “Archie? What can I get you?”

The hiss of the automatic doors made him look up. Will was standing in the doorway, worry lines etched on his face, his shoulders in full military posture. He scanned the waiting room, then caught sight of Archie and walked straight towards him.

Archie stood up to meet him. The world went slightly black around the edges, but he managed not to sway as Will drew near.

“How is he?” Will asked. “Any news?”

Archie shook his head as everything came more or less back into focus. “Not since I texted you. He’s still in surgery.”

Will frowned. “Did they say how long the surgery would last?”

Archie shook his head again. “Just that we’d get to see him in a few hours.”

Will nodded, then paused and narrowed his eyes. “How are you?”

Archie shrugged. “Fine,” he lied. No worse than I deserve. “I’m glad you could make it.”

Will gave him a faint smile. “We came as soon as we could.”

We? Oh, of course. Will’s sister.

The glass doors opened again, and a woman rushed in, her expensive grey suit and impeccably manicured hands at odds with the neon green headband that held back her fringe. She must have been getting ready for work when Will had told her the news. And then she missed work to come straight here.

“Sorry for the delay; it took a minute to find a place to park. What’s the news? How’s Horatio?”

“No change,” Will said. “Still waiting. Victoria, this is Archie. Archie, this is my sister, Victoria.”

“Archie, it’s good to meet you,” she said with a sad smile as she stuck out her hand.

Archie tried to force his features to resemble a smile, although the required muscles didn’t appear to be working. “And you,” he managed as he shook her hand, forcing his fingers to stop trembling. “And Will, you remember Hannah? Victoria, this is Hannah Clayton, my neighbor.” He swallowed down his pride. “She’s the one who saved Horatio,” he added as the two women shook hands.

Will nodded his appreciation. “The hero of the hour.”

Archie’s stomach lurched. A hero. Everything he’d never be. He plunged his hand back into his pocket and clutched the compass.

Hannah gave Will a sad, crooked smile, and shook her head. “Just glad I was there, really.” She gestured to her right. “Help yourself to a seat. We’ll have some time yet before they call us back.”

Will nodded, then sat on Archie’s right, with Victoria on his other side.

“So, what exactly happened? Was it a mugging gone wrong?” Victoria asked.

Archie swallowed as his throat suddenly became painfully tight and dry. He couldn’t tell them the truth; what would Will think? Or Victoria? He’d just met her, for fuck’s sake. And they were in public. But he had to say something, he was taking too long, oh, fucking hell, there was no way out of this, what could he do--

Will leaned forward. “Archie?” he asked quietly.

Archie rubbed a hand over his face, then took a deep shaky breath as his gaze dropped to the floor. Oh fucking hell. Fine. “Simpson’s been . . . stalking me at RADA, despite my attempts to report him. He showed up at the library yesterday, and today, he was lying in wait at my flat. Horatio was there getting my anticonvulsant meds--ironic, really, since Simpson gave me the head injury that caused epilepsy in the first place--” He shook his head. He needed to stop running at the mouth. None of that mattered. “Anyway, he beat the shit out of Horatio--” it should have been me, not him. “And here we all are.” And it’s all my fault.

He braced himself for the aftermath.

There was only silence.

Well, shit, this is it. It’s over. Horatio’s practically family to them, and I’ve hurt him. Will will hate me. Should hate me. Victoria, too. I’ve ruined everything.

Archie risked a glance up. Will’s jaw was set with a stony expression Archie couldn’t translate, Victoria’s hand was covering her mouth, and Hannah’s eyes were wet and shining.

“Oh, God,” Victoria said at last. “I’m so sorry.”

How could she be sorry for him? He had no right to her compassion. He wasn’t the victim here, he was the cause; this was all his fault, and it was wrong, it was an insult to Horatio, it was-

“-Archie?”

Archie started, his heart hammering and his head pounding as a crushing pressure built up in his chest.

“-Archie?” Will said again. Archie forced himself to turn and look at him. “I’m glad they caught the bastard. And Horatio’s going to be alright.”

No. Not Will, too.

His hands shook and his lungs tightened as the high-pitched screeching blared in his ears. He needed to get out.

Archie stood up so quickly his chair wobbled and the world briefly went black. “H--Hannah, you said you were hungry. I’ll go get us some snacks from the cafeteria.”

Hannah raised an eyebrow. “Archie, let me do it. You look like you’re about to keel over.”

He shook his head and tried to keep his breath from catching too noticeably. “Could do with some moving about. Back in a bit.” He picked a direction at random and started to walk out of the waiting room, forcing himself not to run.

“I’ll come, too. Help you carry things back.”

Fucking hell. Will. Of course it was Will.

“Fine,” he managed, and made himself to wait for Will to catch up instead of disappearing to the nearest toilet to hide like the coward he was. He’d have to hold himself together a little longer. Had to keep Will from finding out. He stuck his hand in his pocket and ran his thumb over the compass again. He was alright. He was safe. Simpson wasn’t here. Except Simpson was, in this very hospital, and had almost killed Horatio, and it should have been him instead, why hadn’t it been him-

“Oh, Archie?” Will pointed up. Archie blinked and stared at the sign. The word “Cafeteria” swam into focus, with an arrow pointing in the opposite direction to the path of his retreat.

Fuck.

“This way,” Will said, tilting his head to gesture in the right direction, and they began their trek.

They walked down a long white corridor dotted with closed wooden doors. What if Simpson was behind one of them?

His shoulders shook as the walls began to close in around him. He swallowed hard to force down the rising panic and tried to focus. One foot in front of the other. Step by step. Horatio was counting on him. Nothing else mattered.

“How are you feeling?”

Archie started, then had to blink for a few seconds until the world came back into focus. “W--what? Fine. I’m fine.”

Will raised an eyebrow.

Archie tried to flash him a smile. “Everything’s ship-shape.”

Will frowned. “Archie--”

Goddamn it. You’re an actor. Hold it together. “I’m fine, ok?” Archie gritted out.

Will hesitated, shifted awkwardly, then shrugged. “Alright,” he said at last, and walked by Archie’s side in silence.

Archie clamped down harder on the compass. Think. THINK. Breathing. Important. Can’t help Horatio if I’m dead. Square breathing. Nose, not mouth. Quieter. Less obvious. Inhale for four steps. Hold for four steps. Exhale for four steps. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

“--Archie? What would you like? Should we get some apples, do you think?”

Archie blinked. Shelves. A counter. They were in the cafeteria.

He nodded. “A--apples. Yes. Good.”

“Snack bars, too, perhaps? And some croissants? What about some water bottles?” Will added, as he picked up the items.

Archie blinked again as Will’s face started to blur. “Hmm? Oh. Fine.” He grabbed two water bottles from the shelf in front of them, then followed Will to the register. The cashier scanned their purchases in silence.

“That’ll be £20, please,” she said at last.

Archie reached for his wallet.

Will put out a hand to stop him. “My treat.”

Archie shook his head. He couldn’t let Will pay. Not on top of everything else. “S’on me,” he said, and shoved his card into the machine to pay for the whole lot.

Will grabbed both plastic bags from the counter while Archie was putting his credit card back in his wallet.

Archie raised an eyebrow.

Will shrugged. “You paid. It’s only fair.”

Archie sighed and rolled his eyes, then followed Will back toward the corridor. Each step felt like moving through treacle. Had his legs felt this heavy on the walk over?

Will glanced over his shoulder, frowned, then slowed down slightly. Archie gritted his teeth and tried to walk faster. If only the effort didn’t make the world swim quite so much.

“Anything you want to talk about?” Will said after a few minutes.

Archie glanced over, eyebrow raised. “Thought you didn’t do that.”

Will frowned. “Do what?”

Archie shrugged. “Talk.”

Will huffed out a quiet laugh. “I don’t, generally speaking. But I’m happy to listen.”

Archie shook his head. “Nothing to say.” Nothing you’d understand, at least.

Will dipped his head. “Alright.”

They lapsed into silence again.

Inhale for four steps, exhale for four steps. Inhale for--

A loud wooden bang echoed behind them.

Archie spun around and froze, eyes wide and heart racing.

“Just a door closing further down the corridor, I should think. Nothing related to us.”

Archie blinked. He was standing as rigid as a board, staring back down the empty corridor as though it were about to let loose an army of orcs and maybe a Balrog or three. He took a few deep breaths and the high-pitched buzzing in his ears began to fade. Will’s words finally sank in. He swallowed hard. “Y--yes, of course. Just a bit on edge.”

Will nodded. “Only natural, under the circumstances.”

More unwarranted compassion. Archie’s gut twisted.

Archie closed his eyes and tried to get his pulse to slow down. Simpson was still handcuffed to a hospital bed somewhere, not lying in wait behind every door. What the fuck was he doing, jumping at shadows in front of Will? Will, who didn’t have flashbacks, who didn’t have PTSD, despite losing a limb. Will must already think he was a coward. And he didn’t know the half of it.

He winced, then glanced over at Will, who was staring at the ground, his forehead creased in thought. Will shifted his weight, hesitated, frowned some more, then looked at Archie. “Archie, I--”

Fuck.

“--We ought to be getting back,” Archie interrupted.

Will hesitated then nodded. “Alright,” he said, his frown deepening.

They walked in silence again until they reached the waiting room.

Archie paused at the threshold to watch the scene before them. Victoria was now sitting next to Hannah instead of three seats away, and they’d turned their chairs to face each other. Hannah was sitting cross-legged, nodding and leaning forward to catch Victoria’s every word. Victoria was smiling, eyes shining as she related some anecdote, gesturing while holding the green headband in her hand.

Archie’s lips quirked up into a crooked faint smile. At least something good was coming out of this nightmare.

He glanced over at Will, who was watching them, too, an eyebrow raised and a hint of wry amusement flitting over his features. Will met his look, then nodded towards the others with a smile. “Shall we?”

Archie braced himself, nodded, and followed Will to where the rest of the group was waiting.

“Any luck?” Hannah asked.

Archie nodded and faked a smile as he handed over his bag to Hannah. “A veritable feast . . . of fruit and snack bars. Help yourselves.” He pulled up a chair to her left.

Will handed Victoria his bag and then pulled out his chair, completing their small circle. “So, having a nice chat?” he asked Victoria, his voice disarmingly innocent.

Victoria raised an eyebrow as she turned to face him. “Yes, thanks, William.” She fixed Will with a Look that was similar to the glare Archie had given Izzy when she’d visited him at Harrow four years ago and had laughingly offered to tell his date, Sean, about his drunken antics at Hogmanay earlier that year.

Archie began to smile, the memory of happier times reducing the pressure in his chest.

“It seems we both have tickets to the Honeyblood concert in Victoria Park later this summer,” Hannah said with a smile as she pulled a pastry from the bag.

“You’re outvoted, Will.” Victoria grinned as she rummaged around in her bag. “Sorry, but it’s official. All-female indiepop-punk bands are actually good.”

Will shook his head in mock-disappointment. “And what prompted this revelation?” he asked as he unscrewed the lid of his water bottle.

Victoria glanced over at Hannah with a tilted smile. “How did we get to music?”

Hannah grinned back. “Via our jobs, I think. I mentioned “Gin-Soaked Sot” and the pub, which led to a discussion of Archie’s phenomenal karaoke routine--”

“--Which I’d heard about, because Will had described it to me in great detail,” Victoria finished, glancing over at Will with a positively gleeful glint in her eyes.

Will froze, the water bottle still against his lips, then swallowed, brought it away from his mouth, and carefully put the cap back on. He shifted in his seat. “It was a good performance,” he said with a faint smile.

“Yes it was,” Hannah replied. “I’ll keep hoping for an encore.”

“Let me know when it happens. I’ll put it in my calendar,” Victoria offered. “If your singing is half as impressive as Will’s suggested, I shouldn’t miss it.”

“I appreciate the vote of confidence,” Archie said. Not that he’d get the chance once they’d learned the truth.

He swallowed and glanced over to the door to the wards as his pulse started to race again.

“He’ll be alright, Archie,” Hannah soothed. “He’ll be well looked after here.”

But he shouldn’t even be here. He’s only here because of me, because I endangered him, I hurt him, and--

A rustle of plastic. Archie blinked and looked around for the source of the sound. Will was holding the bag of food out to him. “You haven’t had any yet.”

“Ah, right. Good point.” Archie managed a smile as he took the bag, and tried not to hold it at arm’s length as though it were a grenade about to detonate.

He peered in the bag. The options stared back. His stomach lurched.

He glanced around. Everyone else had started eating. Any second now, someone would notice he wasn’t. And then he’d have to explain why he couldn’t, and then they’d know about Simpson, and they couldn’t know. Not right now.

So he had to do this.

His heart started to race. He braced himself, took a deep breath, and suppressed a shudder as he stuck his hand into the bag and closed his fingers around the first thing he touched. He pulled out a snack bar and put the plastic bag at his feet.

He glanced around again. No one was watching. He eyed the snack bar suspiciously. Maybe he could try just one bite. How hard could it--

“Open up, boy. This--”

Archie blinked, his stomach roiling as his hands started to shake, and he shoved the snack bar in his pocket. It crinkled loudly.

Will glanced over at his pocket, then at him, and raised an eyebrow.

Oh no. Oh, fuck, no, Will would make him--

His other pocket vibrated. He started, his heart hammering.

He pulled his phone out and read the name on the screen. It was Izzy.

Not Simpson.

Not a policeman.

Not an emergency.

But should he answer? They’d hardly spoken since he’d moved to Greenwich. . . mainly because he’d been ignoring her calls.

But what if she figured out something was wrong? What if she pressed for details? What if she learned the truth?

He couldn’t let that happen. No one else could know.

Archie glanced over at the group again.

Will was staring in mute disbelief at a snack bar Victoria had just placed in his hand, which the label proudly proclaimed to be a banana, chia seed & multi seed N’eat bar, 100% natural and wheat-free. He looked back at his sister, eyebrow raised, his dry, tilted smile taking on a fond note. “Really?”

Victoria grinned. “Just try it. At least it’s not turnip-flavored.”

Will rolled his eyes. “Might be an improvement.” He rolled his eyes and started to open the wrapper.

Archie looked back at the phone as waves of homesickness crashed over him, the screen blurring as his eyes prickled with tears. Hearing Iz’s voice right now was exactly what he needed.

“I should take this,” he said, brandishing his phone, then stood up and successfully walked outside despite his vision briefly clouding over.

“Hello,” he answered when he’d cleared the doors.

“You do still exist!” Izzy teased.

Archie winced. That hit a bit too close to home. “So it seems. How’s revising going?”

“Well, it’s coming along. By which I mean that it’s terrifying and stressful, but I’m keeping to my schedule.”

He managed a faint smile. No problems from that quarter, then. “That's great, Iz,” he said, glancing back over his shoulder at the waiting room.

There was a pause. “Archie? You ok?”

“Hmm? Oh, just a bit distracted. So, what’s the occasion?”

Archie could hear her frown over the phone.

“Well, Mum told me that you and Horatio had decided to visit at the end of the summer so I wanted to see if I could crash the party, but never mind that now. What’s wrong?”

He winced internally. This was exactly why he’d stopped answering her calls. Maybe he could still deflect her suspicion? “What makes you think something’s wrong?” he asked half-heartedly.

Her raised eyebrow carried over the phone as clearly as in any video chat. “Apart from the fact that you only answer a question with a question when there is? Or that you only call me Iz if you’re very upset or very happy, and you’re clearly not the latter?”

Archie hesitated. He could keep avoiding her and this conversation.

But he didn’t want to.

It didn’t make sense. He should hang up before he let anything else slip. Should handle it all on his own.

He turned to look into the windows of the waiting room. Will pointed at the green headband which now lay in Victoria’s lap, eyebrow raised with wry amusement, probably teasing her about bringing it by accident. Victoria rolled her eyes, said something in response, then snatched up the headband and plopped it on Will’s head, before leaning back, arms across her chest, lips twitching as she admired her handiwork. Will glanced up at his hair, shrugged, and turned to say something to Hannah. Victoria took a picture of Will with the headband, her smile bright and wide.

“--Archie?” Izzy’s worried voice broke his resolve.

He took a deep breath, ran a hand over his face, then sighed. “Horatio’s in hospital. Some bastard attacked him, broke his arm. He’s in surgery right now. I’m here waiting to be allowed to see him.”

Izzy gasped. “Oh, God, Archie. That’s terrible! I’m so sorry. Are you alright? What can I do?”

“Nothing, thanks. It’s under control. Just a really crap day.”

“Of course. Let me know if you want me to call Tamsin to prosecute the shit who did this. Did they catch him? Who was he? What did he want?”

Archie’s heart stopped, the words hitting him like a fist. His legs turned to jelly and he half-stumbled his way to the bench by the overhang. He sat down heavily and leaned forward, bracing his forearms on his thighs, as he struggled to catch his breath.

“Archie, what is it?”

He blinked repeatedly, his eyes stinging at the quiet compassion in her voice, then took out his compass and ran his fingers over the textured surface, his thumb lingering on the northern-most point. He took a deep, shaking breath, then swallowed. “Simpson,” he said at last.

“. . . What?”

“It was Simpson. He was lurking outside my flat, waiting for me. I wasn’t there, but Horatio was, and he--” he swallowed back the hitch in his voice, “--he beat the shit out of him, until Hannah stopped him.” His heart started to race as his confession echoed in his ears.

“That fucking piece of -- wait, he showed up in Greenwich? Then that means . . . Oh, God, Archie, he’s been stalking you? Torturing you all this time?”

Archie swallowed as a lump formed in his throat, and he covered his face with his free hand. “Yes,” he whispered. Here it comes.

“Last November -- the injury -- he did that deliberately, didn’t he?”

A wet-sounding sniffle and a nod she couldn’t see was the only confirmation he could manage.

“Archie, why didn’t you tell us? There’s nothing we wouldn’t to do help!”

Archie shook his head. “I couldn’t, ok? It’s not -- I just -- I -- I . . . couldn’t. I’m sorry.” He swallowed back a sob and pressed his eyes tightly shut to hold back the tears.

“Oh, Archie, no, don’t apologize. I just . . . don’t understand. You always rebelled loudly against all injustice, from the tyranny of early bedtimes to bullies. What could be so horrible that you’d feel like you couldn’t tell u--”

Archie froze, every muscle clenching, as his mind started to race. Don’t figure it out, don’t figure it out, don’t--

“Oh.” The tiny word, more breath than sound, echoed in the silence.

Archie’s throat started to close up as his chest became impossibly tight. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck, she knew, she knew, he never should have answered, it was all over, why was she hesitating, she never hesitated, what was she thinking, was she angry, did she hate him, did she--

“Archie, I love you. You know that, right? You will always be my baby brother, and there’s nothing you could tell me that will ever change that, ok? I promise.” Her voice was wobbling, but the fierce conviction in her words was unshakable.

Archie swallowed and nodded, wiping away the tears that had started to fall. “Ok,” he managed.

“What can I do? Do you want to talk?”

Archie shook his head and shuddered. He was much too exposed out in the open. “Later, maybe? When I’m back at the flat?”

Izzy exhaled slowly. “Take all the time you want. I’ll be here, whenever you need me.” She hesitated. “Archie, can I ask you two questions? I’ll understand if you don’t want to answer.”

Archie huffed out a wet half-chuckle. “You’re asking if you can ask me something? What have you done with my sister?”

Izzy snorted. “I can restrain myself when the circumstances dictate. I don’t approach everything with the finesse of stampeding elephants.”

Archie managed a small smile through the tears. “News to me.”

Izzy laughed, but the effect was slightly marred by the sniffle at the end. “Fine, then. There’s a first time for everything. So?”

Archie hesitated, his breath coming more quickly. What did she want to know? Details? To grill him about why he hadn’t told them or reported it? Why he’d lied about last November? But, if he didn’t have to answer--

He took a deep breath. “Ok, ok. Ask your questions.”

Izzy sighed with relief. “Thank you. Alright, first: are you in imminent physical danger, or has Simpson been arrested?”

Archie swallowed, the lump in his throat coming back full-force. “He’s under arrest.” But he’s here, somewhere, and he could be around any corner--

“Thank God. Ok. Second question: are you eating?”

He winced. “Jesus, Iz.” She was never going to let him forget showing up for Christmas almost a full stone lighter.

He could practically see her glaring daggers at him through the phone line. “That’s a no, then. Archie--”

“For fuck’s sake. I have a snack bar in my pocket. Happy?”

She sighed. “Well, it’s not as good as in your stomach, but it’s a start. Can you try to have a bite now? Or ask Horatio to make sure you’re not skipping meals?”

Archie groaned. “Iz, lay off. It’s fine, I’m fine, and I’m not going to ask him to do that. He’s having a hard enough time as it is. Thanks to me, he’s unconscious and in surgery, and he’s just been brutally attacked by my rapist, so--”

His mind went blank as he cut himself off, his chest tightening and his heart thudding frantically as the high pitched screeching filled his ears again.

“Oh, Bean,” Izzy said, her voice wavering slightly. “I’m so sorry.”

And there it was. The silly nickname Izzy had used for him, ever since she’d found out she’d be a big sister to the foetus inside of their Mum, which was the size of a kidney bean. The name she’d used until he’d proudly announced, at age five, that he was far too old for it. The one she’d hardly used since, except for when things were going especially to shit: after Alastair’s outing him at dinner; when they’d gotten Alastair’s diagnosis; when he’d woken up in hospital; and last Christmas . . . and now. The name that meant “I love you” and “I want to keep you safe” and “I’m sorry you’re hurting.” It was comfort and compassion and unconditional love and a promise.

He exhaled shakily, his heartbeat starting to slow. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

“We all love you. And nothing will ever change that, ok?”

He sniffled. “Ok,” he whispered.

“What do you need? What can I do?”

“Don’t tell Mum?” Archie said immediately. He had no idea how he’d tell her--how he’d tell any of them--but he had to be the one to do it.

“Of course. I promise,” she said gently.

He took another slow breath. “Thanks,” he mumbled again.

“Archie,” Izzy said after a moment, “I can be packed and there in a little over an hour. Do you want me to come?”

Archie shook his head. “Iz, I know how anxious you’ve been about your exams. I’m not going to--”

Izzy’s answering eye roll must have secret acoustic properties. “If you’re seriously suggesting that revising is more important than my little brother, I swear to God--”

Archie chuckled wetly. “Ok, ok. Point made. But I’m alright. I can manage. I’ll call if that changes.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Ok.” Izzy hesitated. “And can you text me later tonight? Let me know how you’re doing? Horatio, too?”

Archie rolled his eyes. “Yes, Mum,” he groaned.

Izzy laughed. “Ok, ok, standing down.”

“Look, Iz, I should go back in; see if Horatio’s out of surgery yet.”

“Oh, right. Of course. Give him my best, ok? And take care. Don’t work yourself to the bone trying to stay strong for him.”

Archie snorted. “Right. Talk soon, Iz.”

He hung up and stared in exhausted silence at the pillar supporting the overhang in front of him.

Izzy knew. She knew. So why hadn’t the world erupted, or the ground split to swallow him? Nothing had changed. She still treated him as she had before.

She still loved him.

He stared down at the compass in his hand and ran his index finger along the raised surface. He’d told someone in his family. Horatio would be so proud of him--

He should have done it sooner. Then Simpson might have been in prison and never would have been able to attack Horatio in the first place. His cowardice had almost gotten Horatio killed. He didn’t deserve Horatio. He didn’t deserve anything. He was a spineless, worthless, cowardly embarrassment of a--

The door behind him opened with a faint hiss. He turned to his right to see Will coming toward him. Archie tried to force his expression into something less panicked and hoped he didn’t have tears stains on his face. He nodded a greeting and tried to smile.

Will nodded back, then frowned slightly as he got closer and stood awkwardly by the side of the bench. “Alright?”

Fuck. Didn’t work. Act normal, you pathetic-- Archie shrugged. “Just catching my sister up on what’s happening here. Any news?”

Will shook his head. “All quiet. I’m sure it won’t be much longer now.”

Archie nodded.

They lapsed into an awkward silence.

“Did you want to come back inside? You look cold,” Will said after a moment.

Archie glanced down and noticed that his hands were shaking as they held the compass. Fuck. Will had seen the compass. Fuck fuck fuck. He shoved his hands in his pockets as quickly as possible and tried not to wince as his pulse started racing. Will must be trying to help him save face. He shrugged as nonchalantly as he could. “Guess this shirt is thinner than I’d realised.” He stood up slowly enough to keep the world from turning upside-down. “Lead on.”

He nodded toward the entrance and followed Will through the glass doors.

***

Archie looked at his phone again. Three hours. How could setting an arm take three bloody hours? Had something gone wrong? An infection? Bad reaction to the anesthesia? A nicked artery?

His breath started to catch. He reached for the compass in his pocket again. He couldn’t afford another round of hysterical crying in the toilets.

And if he disappeared for that long again, Will might say whatever it was he held back with that pinched frown every time their eyes met. Archie shuddered. Which would be worse: undeserved compassion or judgment for selfishly falling apart when Horatio was in pain?

He sighed. Pity Simpson hadn’t thrown him a little harder against that table corner. Then Horatio would still be safe.

“Guests for Horatio Hornblower?”

Archie jumped as Nurse Rashidi’s voice rang out through the waiting room.“Yes, here.” Archie shot to his feet, then tried not to sway as his vision clouded over.

He blinked. He needed to be able to see to walk. They probably wouldn’t let him visit Horatio if he fell over. After a moment, the world resolved to a slightly blurry wobble. Good enough.

He walked towards Nurse Rashidi; Will, Hannah, and Victoria followed close behind. “The surgery was a success,” she explained. “No complications. He’s asleep right now, probably will be for another hour or so, but you’re welcome to stay with him. But we can only allow two visitors at a time.”

Archie nodded. Everything sounded muted. Distant.

Hannah and Victoria glanced at him, then looked at each other and had what appeared to be some sort of telepathic chat involving raised eyebrows. He blinked again. Why couldn’t he focus?

“You two go,” Hannah said, gesturing at Will and Archie, “I have to make some phone calls, get someone to cover my shift tonight, that sort of thing.”

“We’ll go in a bit, when you’re done,” Victoria added.

Will glanced at Archie, then nodded. “After you.”

They followed Nurse Rashidi through the door.

“Are you alright?” Will whispered as they walked down the corridor.

“Never better,” Archie responded, blinking as the world swam before his eyes.

Will stopped in front of him and reached an arm out to touch his shoulder. “Archie--”

“Got to go see Horatio,” Archie said, his throat suddenly terrifyingly tight. He sidestepped Will’s arm, managing not to stumble, and plowed on ahead. He forced himself not to shudder and slipped his shaking hands back into his pockets. No one should touch him right now.

After a moment, Will was right back at his side. They entered the ward and walked over to the curtained bed in the far corner of the room.

“He’s right in there,” Nurse Rashidi said, pulling the curtains aside and gesturing them into the small enclosure. “I’ll be back to check on him in half an hour.”

Will pulled the curtains shut behind them.

Horatio was fast asleep, his mouth hanging open, and terrifyingly pale, almost translucent. Archie glanced over at Horatio’s right arm, which was encased in a bright white cast, with just his fingers sticking out from underneath the plaster. His chest tightened. Horatio’s hands were always fidgeting and in motion, never still. Was that why the room was starting to warp and spin?

Or was it because Horatio was only here because of him?

He shuddered, then turned to look at Will. Will was staring at Horatio, his eyes wide with horror, or as close to the expression as they probably got. Then, everything changed: his eyes narrowed, his jaw set, his fists clenched.

“Will?”

Will’s eyes hardened. “Just thinking about what I’d like to do to the fucking bastard that did this.”

Archie’s pulse started hammering as his lungs suddenly stopped working. Oh, dear God, it was all his fault, Will would hate him, Will would--

Will glanced at Archie, blinked, and the hard lines of his face softened. “Archie, you’re white as a sheet. You should sit down.” He gestured to an open chair near Horatio’s bed and took one nearby.

Archie blinked and ran his thumb over the compass in his pocket. This was absurd. Will was a friend. For now, at least. He nodded, sank down into the chair, and tried to breathe normally.

Will frowned, then looked at the plastic bag in his hand, and smiled slightly. He rummaged around in it and pulled out a snack bar. “Would you like one?”

Archie swallowed, his stomach clenching at the thought. He shook his head and managed what he hoped would pass for a polite smile.

Will’s smile fell slightly. “Are you sure? Horatio finds them helpful.”

Archie hesitated. It was an edible gesture of friendship. And he didn’t deserve it. But how could he turn it down?

If he did try to eat one, how would he explain away his inevitably getting sick in the nearest bin? Stomach bug? Might justify his repeated disappearances.

Will was still holding out the snack bar.

Oh fucking hell. Here we go.

Archie rolled his eyes, let go of the compass, and stuck out his hand. Will gave him a small relieved smile as he handed it over.

Archie peeled down the wrapper and opened his mouth to take a bite. His stomach curdled as the sickeningly sweet smell of the chocolate reached his nose. He hesitated, braced himself, then tried not to breathe as he shoved the end into his mouth and bit down. He tried to block out the taste and the texture. To just focus on the mechanical motion of moving his jaw up and down, up and down. He swallowed the mass down and felt his stomach revolt at the sudden invasion.

“Thanks,” he managed, and started to close up the wrapper.

Will’s face fell slightly. “Need anything else? Water?”

Archie shook his head, ignoring the increasing churning in his stomach. “Not really.”

Will nodded, then frowned, and stared at the ground. “Alright.”

Archie swallowed again and tried not to shiver at the clammy sweat that had started to form on the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and tried to pull himself together.

A quiet sigh made him open his eyes. Will was watching him, open concern on his normally closed face.

“Archie, are you sure you’re alright?”

Archie huffed out an amused snort. Not in the least. “Just a long day,” he murmured.

Will nodded, then shifted, and pressed his lips together. “Long few years, it sounds like,” he said deliberately. He let the silence linger, a blatant invitation, an opening to talk about Simpson.

But what could Archie possibly say, even if he wanted to? Come to mention it, Simpson used me as his personal fucktoy for over a year, but you wouldn't understand: you probably would have fought back. I have to make a police report and I think it may kill me, but maybe that’s alright because I’m not worth the space in the universe. I’ve disappointed or disgraced everyone who’s ever cared for me so you should probably just leave me alone and save yourself some time, and I’m the reason Horatio’s in here and you have every right to despise me for it.

The quiet buzzing in his ears blared to life again. He was abusing Will’s trust. He shook his head again. “This is wrong.”

Will blinked, his forehead creasing in confusion. “What is?”

“This. You, comforting me,” Archie blurted out as his palms started to sweat.

Will frowned, leaning in slightly. “Archie, what are you talking about?”

“I don’t deserve it.” The room started to spin as the buzz became a screech.

“Archie,” Will reached a hand over to touch Archie’s arm.

Everything stopped.

Archie wrenched his arm away, bolted from the chair, and staggered out of the room. Where was the exit, he had to get out, had to get away--

“Archie?” Will’s voice followed close behind him.

“Leave me alone,” he gritted out as he stumbled to the nearest door and yanked it open, slamming it behind him. He lurched to the far side of the landing and rested his head against the cool wall, gasping for air and fumbling for his compass. He couldn’t breathe, oh fuck, he couldn’t breathe, his chest was being crushed, he was going to faint, and now Will had a glimpse of how pathetic and weak--

The sound of footsteps. Archie turned and froze as Will entered the stairway.

The door clicked shut behind them.

Archie’s lungs stopped working entirely.

Will squinted at Archie in confusion, then his eyes widened. He looked at the door behind him, stilled, then very slowly took two steps to the side so he was on the stairs going toward the floor below, leaving the path between Archie and the door open.

“What can I get you? Medication? Water?” Will asked calmly.

“Stop being nice to me,” Archie rasped, clutching the compass with all his might.

Will stayed motionless. “Why?”

“Because this is all my fault!!” Archie choked out, his breathing coming in quick gasps.

Will hesitated, then slowly lowered himself down until he was sitting on the step, putting his hands behind him. “Archie, breathe. No one will hurt you here. You’re safe.”

Archie shook his head. “Stop. I d --don’t deserve your help.” His lungs were burning and the world was turning gray.

“Yes, you do. But right now, you need to sit down before you fall down, rest your head on your knees, and try to match my breaths. Alright?”

Archie hesitated.

“I won’t come over there without permission,” Will said calmly.

Archie’s legs began to buckle, and he sank down until he was sitting on the stairs, his feet resting on the landing, his forehead pressed to his knees.

“Good. Now, breathe. Slowly. In and out. In and out. That’s right.” Will’s steady voice wafted over him and seeped into his bones.

Several agonizing minutes later, Archie’s breathing had regularized and the room had returned to normal levels of spinning.

“Well done,” Will murmured.

Archie rolled his eyes. “Hardly,” he muttered, his head still pressed against his legs.

Will sighed quietly.

The silence dragged on.

“Anything I can do to help?” Will asked after another minute.

Archie shook his head.

“Alright,” Will responded.

Archie closed his eyes and waited for the sound of Will’s footsteps.

But nothing happened.

It didn’t make any sense. What was Will waiting for?

“You can go back to Horatio. No need to stay,” Archie mumbled.

“I’m fine right here, if that’s alright with you.”

Archie lifted his head from his knees to glare at Will. “He’s your best friend. You don’t have to stay with his broken fuckup of a boyfriend out of pity.”

Will raised an eyebrow. “I’m not staying out of pity. And you’re not broken.”

Archie choked out a laugh that had more in common with a sob. “Very funny.”

Will frowned. “You’re not.”

Archie sniffed and wiped his eyes. “You just saw me forget how basic involuntary human functions like breathing work. Spare me the pep talk.”

Will shook his head. “Not what I saw.”

“Oh? What did you see, then?”

Will paused. “Someone I care about having a hard time.”

Archie looked up. Will was watching him, his eyes full of concern and something far warmer than just compassion or pity.

“Oh,” Archie managed.

Will gave him a small nod and a faint, crooked smile.

“ . . . That can’t be comfortable, sitting on that small step,” Archie said after a moment. “You can come closer, if you’d like.”

Will’s eyebrow jumped up for a moment before he resumed his neutral expression. “Alright,” he said, and slowly got to his feet and reached the landing, taking care to not block to door. “Where should I be?”

Archie hesitated, then scooted over towards the wall and tilted his head toward the space at his side. “Plenty of room over here.”

A flicker of surprise danced over Will’s face before he smiled slightly, nodded, then took the three paces necessary to reach the open spot. He sat down slowly, preserving inches of space between the two of them, and looked straight ahead of him.

Archie rolled his eyes, then slowly scooted closer until their shoulders touched. Will turned and looked at him, eyebrow raised. Archie managed a faint apologetic smile.

Will paused, tilted his head to the side in a sort of shrug, then shifted slightly closer until they were touching from hip to shoulder. Archie exhaled slowly and closed his eyes as the worst of the panic began to seep out of him.

“This isn’t your fault,” Will said at last.

Archie snorted.

“It isn’t. You weren’t the one who injured him,” Will said, his voice unexpectedly gentle.

Archie’s head shot up and he met Will’s calm gaze with a glare. “It’s not that simple.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not,” Archie groaned. “I should have done things differently.”

“You did what you could with the information you had,” Will murmured. “That’s all anyone can do.”

“But I should have tried harder. Been braver.”

“Seems like you did both.”

Archie shook his head. “You weren’t there.”

Will frowned. “Archie, I’ve seen what he’s capable of. You did well to survive.”

Archie rolled his eyes. “This is ridiculous. I’m not brave. You’re the one who’s fought in battles.”

Will shook his head. “Not all battles are between countries.”

“But I didn’t fight. I cowered. If I had just ignored Keene and Eccleston and reported him to the police for rape, then he wouldn’t have been able to hurt Horatio!”

The words bounced off the walls of the stairwell.

Oh God. What have I done?

Will’s mouth was moving but he couldn’t hear anything beyond the beating of his heart and the deafening silence in his ears.

He lurched to his feet, ready to run--to the toilets, into the ward, down the staircase, outside, anywhere--but a loud whooshing noise filled his ears and the world started to tilt.

The ground hurtled towards him as his eyes rolled shut.

Warm, steady hands broke his fall.