The HMS Afterlife: Loyalty Edition
I'm new the the fandom (although I watched the movies when they first came out), and my love of the musical Hamilton has reignited my feelings about Horatio Hornblower. My friend fionatlux and I were rewatching the movies, and came across a Tumblr post suggesting that said "Watching Loyalty and Duty while pretending Archie’s ghost is haunting/cackling at Horatio makes watching those movies a bit easier" (http://bbcphile.tumblr.com/post/134066814141/graintaire-watching-loyalty-and-duty-while).
Since we are die-hard Archie/Horatio shippers, we decided to take up the challenge. It helped. We posted it on AO3 and on Tumblr, but since so many of our friends hadn't yet seen the glory that is this series, we annotated it with appropriate images from the shows to give them a visual introduction. Obviously no one here needs it, but we thought it was entertaining, so we're leaving it in for this posting.
So, without further ado, our first addition to this lovely fandom:
The HMS Afterlife: Loyalty Edition
By BBCPhile and fionatlux
AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5305868
Ships: Archie/Horatio (and the Hotspur)
Inspired by Graintaire’s Tumblr post (http://bbcphile.tumblr.com/post/134066814141/graintaire-watching-loyalty-and-duty-while): “Watching Loyalty and Duty while pretending Archie’s ghost is haunting/cackling at Horatio makes watching those movies a bit easier.”
Authors’ Note: This story repeatedly and deliberately juxtaposes period-specific language with anachronisms for humorous effect. You have been warned.
Setting: The afterlife. The ghosts of Archie Kennedy and Henry Wellard are watching the events of Loyalty. Archie has a blanket over his lap and a rapidly cooling dish of tea forgotten in front of him.
Archie: I’m very impressed with our Horatio Hornblower! Wellard, look at Horatio in his captain’s uniform! He cuts a fine figure, does he not?
Wellard: Yes, Horatio is, as always, quite impressive, or, as you would say, a paragon of human perfection. Does that meet with your approval?
Archie: When did you become so sassy?
Wellard: Well, we HAVE spent the last few years in the afterlife together. Something was bound to rub off.
Archie: Fair point.
Archie: *double take* BELAY THAT, WELLARD, THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE.
Wellard: You’re one to talk, sir.
Archie: Touché.
Horatio: *yells at an Irishman for supporting France instead of England in the war *
Archie: Did Horatio truly just say "We crushed your rebellion, why are you still angry?" Has he forgotten ALL THE REVENGE TRAGEDIES we read together? I thought we were progressing on his understanding of human emotions and motivations beyond honor and duty!
Wellard: That’s a little overly optimistic, Archie! He’s still Horatio after all.
Archie: And oh dear, Horatio has his thoughtful face on. This never ends well.
Horatio and Bush: *return to the landlady’s house after an evening of playing cards *
Archie: Oh, good, William Bush and Horatio are reunited!!! Thank goodness, he has a friend by his side. And, excellent, Will is going to help Horatio extricate himself from his unfortunate housing situation! The nerve of that woman, insulting our friend’s honor! Thank goodness Horatio can leave without insult to . . . wait, Horatio, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Bush: HORATIO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Archie: Mr. Bush, you’re going to spend a lot of time saying "HORATIO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Bush: YOU HAD AN OUT! What is wrong with you?!
Archie: Where to begin?
Pellew: I have a 20-gun sloop in need of a captain. A man of intelligence, ability, and excellent eyebrow game. Any candidates, Horatio?
Wellard: Hmm. Sir, Admiral Pellew is teasing Mr. Hornblower.
Archie: Of course he is. He took over from me! Someone has to, or his head will grow to be far too big.
Wellard: Sir, Mr. Hornblower and Mr. Bush seem to be VERY glad to see each other again.
Wellard: ...Very, very glad.
Archie: Well, of course! They are both lonely, they miss the sea, and they haven’t had anyone to share that with, and . . . oh damn.
Wellard: They certainly are looking quite pleasantly flustered about being shipmates.
Pellew: This is Major André Côtard. Play nice.
Horatio: I am not certain that I want to.
Côtard: I am French and handsome!
Archie: Blast.
Miss Maria Mason: Hello, sailor!
Archie: Oh no, and now Miss Maria Mason is also interested. Miss Mason, I promise, he only wishes to be your friend! He is not interested in women in the way you would prefer! Trust me, I should know.
Wellard: And so, it seems, does Mr. Bush.
Archie: HENRY WELLARD RETRACT THAT IMMEDIATELY. THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN THEM . . . .
Archie: . . . Will, are you flirting with Horatio?!
Archie: Horatio, are you flirting with Will?!!
The Obligatory Scene in Which Someone Gets Whipped Unjustly
Horatio: *Reluctantly has Styles whipped after coals from the stove almost set the ship ablaze *
Archie: Horatio, I understand that you need to use corporal punishment on Styles in accordance with the Articles, but the cat o’nine tails? Was that truly necessary? And why have you not launched an investigation? Styles would never lie to you, so if he says that he is not to blame, then he is innocent!
Archie: Also, Wolfe is most likely the traitor. *sigh* Horatio, if you just read more plays, you would understand: names are significant! It’s a clue!
Wellard: I . . . don’t think it works that way outside of literature.
Archie: Of course it does!
Horatio: *preens in fisherman getup* I am the very picture of a rustic fisherman!
Archie: Horatio is so happy whenever he gets to play dress-up with a new hat. . . . William seems to like it, too.
Horatio and Côtard: *forget to crawl on the ground once they see the army that lies in wait *
Archie: I DON’T think that standing up is the right move!
Archie: HORATIO YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO START A WAR! You received a direct order, in fact: DO NOT START A WAR. YOU HAD ONE JOB!
Wellard: He is rather bad at subterfuge.
Archie: Utterly, utterly terrible at it.
Archie: Almost as terrible as he is at flirting.
Archie: Oh, this is going to be a fun meeting in Pellew's cabin.
Horatio and Côtard: *are on the point of being captured or killed*
Archie: GODDAMN it, Horatio, this is why captains aren't supposed to go on reconnaissance missions!
Archie: It's almost as if I had been holding together the British navy. What the bloody hell is wrong with all of you?!
Archie: This is what happens when there's no-one around to explain that giving Horatio command of a ship called the Hotspur is a BAD IDEA.
Archie: Mr. Wellard! Prepare The Handbook.
Wellard: Aye aye, sir!
Bush: What's this giant book under my pillow? The Complete Works of William Shakespeare?
Archie: THE HANDBOOK.
Archie: Ah yes, here's that fun meeting in Pellew's cabin I was talking about.
Archie: Alright, that actually went much better than I’d anticipated. . . never mind, now they’re about to discuss personal issues. This should be a disaster.
Pellew: You have a lady friend you wish to visit? But Captains must sleep on the ship unless they get permission from their Admiral!
Horatio: But... I'm not going to sleep.
Pellew: *poker face*
Horatio: ...Wait, no, I...
Archie: Oh Horatio, you are so bad at being heterosexual.
The Brand-New Midshipmen, but mostly Jack Hammond: *have, shockingly, not memorized A Beginner’s Guide to His Majesty’s Navy, Together with Advanced Mathematical Calculations*
Wellard: Poor Hammond.
Archie: Midshipmen are not what they used to be. Were we ever that incompetent? Even when we were being tortured on the Justinian or the Renown? You certainly weren’t, Wellard.
Wellard: Thank you, sir. Still, they’ve had no time to actually study.
Pellew: *is scathing in the presence of several senior officers*
Archie: Nicely put, Pellew! Why didn't you do that more at the trial in Kingston when Horatio was falsely accused of mutiny? I seem to remember a number of excellent navy officers who could have benefited from your assistance.
Wellard: You sound bitter.
Archie: Bitter? Why would I be bitter? I’m only dead and forced to watch helplessly on the sidelines as Horatio sails off into danger with a potential traitor on board BECAUSE OF THAT TRIAL! Nothing at all to be concerned about.
Pellew: I have decided that you require assistance on this mission! From someone who speaks French.
Horatio: Sir, I--
Pellew: Your language skills are adequate, Horatio, but we require someone who is actually French.
Horatio: I beg your pardon, I have fooled multiple French ships into mistaking me for one of their own!
Archie: That wasn’t because of your French, Horatio.
Pellew: Ah, here he is now.
Côtard: Did you miss me?
Horatio and Bush: Oh no, not him again.
Archie and Wellard: Oh no, not him again!
Côtard: Yes! Me again! I am here to be awesome and French!
Archie: Is EVERYONE flirting with Horatio?
Wellard: Is it even possible for Côtard to avoid flirting with Horatio while speaking in French? I was under the impression that it was automatic.
Archie: I speak Spanish! I READ to him in Spanish!
Wellard: . . .
Archie: "Tell him we've got a lobster for his officer, or something!" THAT'S YOUR PLAN???
Archie: ...I'm surprised that actually worked.
Côtard: *poses dramatically as he fires his gun*
Wellard: Sir, look at that! Did you see how Côtard held that gun?! The confidence! The stability! The . . .
Archie: Yes, yes, Mr. Wellard. Very impressive. Côtard is clearly the perfect person to keep Horatio company and make sure he stays safe while I remain here watching from a distance. But by all means, admire away.
Archie: A rocket, launched at a storeroom filled with gunpowder… Apparently war technology has improved since my day.
Archie: DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!
Wellard: Well, that didn't go at all well.
Archie: No! Horatio can’t be in prison again! Who will protect him while I remain confined here?
Wellard: Well, he is surrounded by friends and shipmates: he has a good chance of getting out. Have faith, Archie.
Horatio: If the admiral prevails, it will be a very short war!
Archie: *exasperatedly fond* Horatio, nobody believes that it'll be a very short war.
Horatio: But WHO WOULD DARE betray His Majesty’s Navy? It is such a mystery!
Archie: Horatio, Wolfe went missing! He is the traitor! FIGURE IT OUT! Do you really believe that everyone in His Majesty’s Navy is necessarily a man of honor? Has my death taught you nothing? How are you still so naive?
Wolfe: Surprise!
Horatio: *is astonished*
Archie: *rolls eyes*
Archie: At least Horatio knows enough to try to keep the villain monologuing. I think our evenings spent reading plays together have paid off, I really do!
Wellard: *under his breath* Is that what they call it now?
Archie: *ignoring Wellard* Oh, Wolfe, now you will die. You insulted Pellew.
Archie: I am a bit concerned about the lobster threat, though.
Wellard: Actually, I'm pretty sure even the Breton lobsters would be too intimidated to nibble him to death.
Bush: But Admiral Pellew, sir, we must send a small party of men to save Captain Hornblower!
Archie: Wellard, did you see that? William BUSH of all people--challenged an order from Pellew? How is this possible? Has the world turned upside down? Well, I suppose he learned about that from our experiences on the Renown. Wellard, remember when Will and I went after Horatio when Buckland had sent him back to explode the fort, and--
Wellard: Yes, of course, Archie. You only mention it every month or so. How could I possibly forget?
Archie: ...You are an apt student of sass, Mr. Wellard.
Wellard: Thank you, Mr. Kennedy, sir.
Horatio: An Englishman never submits to vile imprisonment! We must attempt to escape!
Horatio: *tries vainly to free himself*
Côtard: *naps*
Archie: Oh, yes, Côtard, very impressive. You are certainly an expert at escapology. We will speak of your bravery in the face of adversity for years to come. Who needs the “St. Crispin’s Day” speech when we have you to defend our country from Napoleon?
Wellard: He could always chime in with an encomium to his horse.
Archie: Well played, Mr. Wellard!
Horatio and the Englishmen (plus one Irish middie): *escape*
Archie: Well done! Finally, a reasonable plan!
Wellard: Amazing! Well done, Mr. Hornblower, sir!
Archie: I am experiencing a TREMENDOUS amount of pleasure in the knowledge that Côtard had to climb through the sewer.
Archie: Côtard, remember when you joined William and myself to save Horatio against impossible odds? Oh, no, that would be impossible, because YOU WEREN'T THERE!
Wellard: Archie, don’t you think you’re being a BIT possessive?
Archie: Not at all! I am pleased that Horatio has shipmates making sure he comes to no harm! William in particular has proven himself a valuable asset. How could you suggest such a thing?
Archie: *five seconds later* “Oooh, I’m Lieutenant Bush! I'm delivering a lesson! Don't interfere with my pedagogy!”
Wellard: *stares meaningfully at him *
Archie: Yes, alright, Mr. Wellard. You have made your point.
Archie: Blast. I think Horatio was impressed by Côtard’s efficiency and swagger just then.
Wellard: It was fairly impressive!
Archie: Côtard, stop being aggressively attractive and competent! Just because you happen to be French and alluring does not mean that you are perfect, or that Horatio is interested. I had an excellent swagger when I was alive. Ask anyone! Wellard thought I had a good swagger, did you not, Wellard?
Wellard: Er, well, I mean, it was quite, um... *blushes *
Archie: *cutting him off* DID YOU SEE THAT? HORATIO OUTRAN A FIREBALL!!!!!!!
Wellard: Ooh, that was a REALLY GOOD FIREBALL, too!
Archie: . . . wait, is he hurt? He looks dazed . . . and in PAIN! Good God, he can hardly walk! Damn it, I should BE there!
Wellard: Archie, he will be fine! The worst is over! Look, Côtard and the others are helping! They will make it to the beach, and he will triumph, as he always does.
Archie: Captain Hammond was a traitor the whole time! Of course! That’s why he tried to convict Horatio of mutiny! I had not thought it possible to despise the bastard more than I already did. This . . . is not going to end well.
Archie: Right, so William brought a cannon in a rowboat to save him. He does shows a great deal of dedication . . . Perhaps Will will take good care of him after all. And if he makes Horatio happy . . . then, as the bard has writ, “No longer mourn for me when I am dead . . .”
Archie: Wait, Horatio, you can barely walk, what are you doing? How on Earth do you expect to fight in this state? . . . Oh, why am I even surprised?
Archie: Oh dear, this will end poorly for young Jack Hammond. Wellard, prepare the welcome banner and the champagne.
Wellard: Yes, sir, banner and libations prepared.
Hammond: *appears, dazed from his recent demise*
Archie: Hello, Jack Hammond, and welcome to the afterlife! Wellard will show you around.
Wellard: Champagne?
Hammond: Er--
Archie: Hammond, do you--HORATIO NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Hammond (to Wellard): This is… not what I expected.
Archie: OH HORATIO.
Wellard (to Hammond): One gets used to it after a while.
Horatio and Pellew: *agree to keep silent that Captain Hammond was a traitor *
Archie: Oh, Horatio. This is a treacherous path. Have you forgotten that I DIED because the navy needed a scapegoat as part of a political coverup? I was concerned when you went straight back to the navy as though nothing had happened, but this desire to lie and sacrifice the truth for the “greater good” is a disturbing trend.
Archie: Horatio, for the love of God, stop this nonsense now! “Must I with base tongue give my noble heart/ A lie that it must bear? ”
Hammond (to Wellard): What’s he doing?
Wellard (to Hammond): Quoting Shakespeare. Don’t worry, it’ll pass.
Maria: I cannot keep both my reputation and your money!
Horatio: This is a matter of honor!
Archie: Oh no, Horatio and issues of honor. This will not end well.
ATLA Book 1!Zuko: *pops in across fandoms* HONORRRRRR! *vanishes in a flick of his ponytail*
Wellard: Sir, who was that?
Archie: *expressive “I have no idea” face*
Wellard: Nice queue though.
Archie: Horatio, there’s a GAPING CHASM between “do not lie” and “duty before all.” Here is what you should do: apologize, politely take your leave of her, and let her live her life. She’s competent, and she can look after herself. And she will be happier without you.
Archie: Horatio, for the love of God, leave the lady to collect herself in privacy!
Archie: No, Horatio, walk out the door, right now!!
Archie: BUSH?! GET OVER HERE NOW. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! BEAT TO QUARTERS! YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUESTED AND REQUIRED!
Archie: GODDAMN IT, NO!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!
Archie: HORATIO YOU FOOL THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA!!
Archie: Horatio, your brilliant plan here seems to have been “Oh no, she’s crying! I should propose so she stops. Excellent! She stopped crying! It must have worked . . . oh no . . . what have I done?” And you call yourself a strategist? And a captain?
Archie: I have no wish to give offense, madam, but this is a terrible idea. You are a remarkable woman. I am grateful that he could count on you for assistance while I . . . while “we two must be twain.” And I certainly cannot blame you for loving him. But he does not--cannot--love you, and you deserve someone who does. Please, for the love of God, reconsider this madness!
Wellard and Hammond: *look awkwardly at Archie, then each other, nod, quietly get up and leave*
Archie: Damn. Damn damn damn damn.
Archie: *sniffs. Wipes eyes. * I don't know how Horatio survives without me, all his decisions are TERRIBLE.
Archie: Bush, you should move in and save Horatio from himself. He has clearly inserted his head so far up his arse that he needs assistance with its removal. Don’t you agree, Wellard? Wellard? Wellard? Oh, he’s left. And young Hammond with him. It’s . . . just me, then. Right. *sigh *
Archie: Well, at least it’s good to know that the power hierarchies of a unilateral system of toxic masculinity don’t really apply in the afterlife.