68 : muse_diaries Entry 5
"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater." - Nicholas Evans
I've been a little lazy on keeping up with this thing. I haven't written in my diary in almost two weeks. I guess I've been distracted by the amazing bliss that is new love; everything has been going so perfectly. The way he looks at me just makes my heart flutter. And now that I actually remember what having hormones feels like, I've been...a little more interested in indulging them than I have in years.
But enough about me fawning over my boyfriend.
Sheppard helped me figure something out tonight, about something that's been bothering me for a very long time. I've always had an aversion to the use of force, especially against other cops. There was what happened to my father. Then I heard the story about the Luther Mahoney shooting. I saw it go bad on me with Marissa Haber. And when I had my gun trained on that thing that was Mulder? I couldn't pull the trigger either. It's something that absolutely shuts me down, freezes me in my tracks, and I hate myself for it, because I'm just afraid that I'm going to lose my nerve when it counts and someone will really be hurt.
I was telling him about Marissa Haber, and talking about when I went to see her in the mental hospital and it hit me. What it was really about. Why it still sometimes sticks with me, aside from the whole 'I screwed it up and two hostages died and another was wounded' part. And what it said about me.
She owned me. Absolutely, totally and completely, Haber owned me. We mindfucked each other for hours on that phone line, we went head to head in that alley. Even though she ended up being shot, she still owned me, because I let her rattle me. Then I made the stupid decision to visit her in the mental hospital while she was under observation to see if she was fit to stand trial. I wanted to know why she did what she did. And she proceeded to completely dominate and disassemble me. I was a twenty-six-year-old kid, a second-year detective, and she had experience and insanity on her side. She took me apart. She had control of my entire life and she crushed it.
I'm not sure I ever really got over that - the concept that someone else could have my entire life in their hands without hurting me. Even with John, even when we got close, he had most of me but he never had all of me. I was still always my own person, even in some small way, because I just couldn't surrender. Then when I lost him and I realized how much I had lost, I had my moment of clarity.
He was worth more than my career (I still remember him telling me if I tried to follow him I'd probably get fired), and he was worth more than anything else. That was what I realized that day. I realized that I was willing to turn myself completely over to John without a moment more of hesitation. For the first time since Marissa Haber I was willing to give myself up to someone else. And you know what? He's never led me wrong. In fact, it's turned out even better than I expected. Not only is he my partner, and my best friend, but he loves me. And I love him in a way I never thought I would love anyone ever again. Everything I need is in this man. He has everything I am and I'm okay with that.
There are very few people I trust that much. Other than John, then there's Kevin, and Sheppard. And Kevin doesn't really count because he's my brother. But my partner and my other best friend are just special people. People who have let me in long before I could do the same for them.
And it's taken me a long, long time to get to that level of trust again but I finally did when I made that leap to the X-Files, and I think that now? Now that I know everything is perfect for me? I think I'm finally understanding it and being okay with it. I think I understand now that I have nothing to fear.
That will still be a dark moment in my life. She will probably always haunt me. But she can never own me that way again, and neither will anyone else. I won't allow it to happen again, and there's already one person who has me in his hands: the right one.
Muse: Stark Patrick
Fandom: The X-Files (OC)
Words: 772
I've been a little lazy on keeping up with this thing. I haven't written in my diary in almost two weeks. I guess I've been distracted by the amazing bliss that is new love; everything has been going so perfectly. The way he looks at me just makes my heart flutter. And now that I actually remember what having hormones feels like, I've been...a little more interested in indulging them than I have in years.
But enough about me fawning over my boyfriend.
Sheppard helped me figure something out tonight, about something that's been bothering me for a very long time. I've always had an aversion to the use of force, especially against other cops. There was what happened to my father. Then I heard the story about the Luther Mahoney shooting. I saw it go bad on me with Marissa Haber. And when I had my gun trained on that thing that was Mulder? I couldn't pull the trigger either. It's something that absolutely shuts me down, freezes me in my tracks, and I hate myself for it, because I'm just afraid that I'm going to lose my nerve when it counts and someone will really be hurt.
I was telling him about Marissa Haber, and talking about when I went to see her in the mental hospital and it hit me. What it was really about. Why it still sometimes sticks with me, aside from the whole 'I screwed it up and two hostages died and another was wounded' part. And what it said about me.
She owned me. Absolutely, totally and completely, Haber owned me. We mindfucked each other for hours on that phone line, we went head to head in that alley. Even though she ended up being shot, she still owned me, because I let her rattle me. Then I made the stupid decision to visit her in the mental hospital while she was under observation to see if she was fit to stand trial. I wanted to know why she did what she did. And she proceeded to completely dominate and disassemble me. I was a twenty-six-year-old kid, a second-year detective, and she had experience and insanity on her side. She took me apart. She had control of my entire life and she crushed it.
I'm not sure I ever really got over that - the concept that someone else could have my entire life in their hands without hurting me. Even with John, even when we got close, he had most of me but he never had all of me. I was still always my own person, even in some small way, because I just couldn't surrender. Then when I lost him and I realized how much I had lost, I had my moment of clarity.
He was worth more than my career (I still remember him telling me if I tried to follow him I'd probably get fired), and he was worth more than anything else. That was what I realized that day. I realized that I was willing to turn myself completely over to John without a moment more of hesitation. For the first time since Marissa Haber I was willing to give myself up to someone else. And you know what? He's never led me wrong. In fact, it's turned out even better than I expected. Not only is he my partner, and my best friend, but he loves me. And I love him in a way I never thought I would love anyone ever again. Everything I need is in this man. He has everything I am and I'm okay with that.
There are very few people I trust that much. Other than John, then there's Kevin, and Sheppard. And Kevin doesn't really count because he's my brother. But my partner and my other best friend are just special people. People who have let me in long before I could do the same for them.
And it's taken me a long, long time to get to that level of trust again but I finally did when I made that leap to the X-Files, and I think that now? Now that I know everything is perfect for me? I think I'm finally understanding it and being okay with it. I think I understand now that I have nothing to fear.
That will still be a dark moment in my life. She will probably always haunt me. But she can never own me that way again, and neither will anyone else. I won't allow it to happen again, and there's already one person who has me in his hands: the right one.
Muse: Stark Patrick
Fandom: The X-Files (OC)
Words: 772