[Robert is beyond terrified, now. The dreams have been getting worse, more painful; more detailed. He remembers them better, every thrice-damned detail burning its way into his mind like a red-hot brand, and he hates himself for not being able to let go of it.
A specific part of his dream - amongst many others - is the part that's driven him to get up and walk outside into the forest. He even remembers the exact date - September 13, 2314 A.D., Standard Terran Years - which is in the future and should be impossible but he knows it's the right date. He remembers Benjamin, a version of Benjamin or some doppelganger of him at the least, screaming at him - "You can't just walk away from me, Rob" - and the words hurt and that nickname feels like a punch in the stomach - "It's either your fucking schoolwork or me 'cause it seems like you can't deal with both" - and he remembers being in a stupor - withdrawal symptoms, even though drugs don't exist in Luceti and these are the first introduction to the term he has... A half-sane stupor, staggering around, weeping into his hands... and then fleeing, fleeing from everybody... His friends, his family, his home, his life.
You aren't good enough for him.
Those marks on his arms are needle scars. They aren't self-injuries.
And that's what made it really click, for Robert. That the dreams aren't just dreams.
So he's stumbled out of his apartment in a haze of horror and disgust and self-hatred, and he almost doesn't notice anything until he hears that loud bang in stereo, both over the journal and near enough to be within the general audible range of Robert's staggering walk.
A few minutes later he can see Helios cutting through the trees and oh no he has that face that he has when he sees Robert and Giles together and it hurts because it's like Benjamin's face from his dream.
But he still ventures a soft questioning voice.]
H-Helios...?
... A-Are, are you a-alright...?
[Even as he says it he knows it's a farce, knows there's no way he can be alright. Not during this hell.]
[ Oh Robert how amusing you are. Actually forging concern for him, like any of it is real. ] Why do you care?
[ It's a biting remark laced with poison and pent up anger that he can finally let seep out. And oh how he is going to let it seep out. Helios will actually make a bee line straight towards Robert. ]
[Robert shudders slightly at that tone, though he doesn't quite back off yet; instead, he just half-turns to make sure he can keep his gaze on the advancing man.
He's afraid of Helios, a little bit. That anger... written all over his face and dripping from that one short sentence to the point where even Robert can pick it up.]
I-I... I'm always concerned about you, H-Helios. You're... you're my friend... [Normally, anyway. Don't you remember, before February...?]
... You kn-know I'd always help you if you n-needed it... [Robert realizes he has nowhere to really run, now, from Helios...]
Oh I'm sure you are. Concerned only because of what I mean to my brother correct? [ Just a wry smirk. Oh he remembers before February but that's long gone. It's since February that Helios has been dealing with because nothing has been the same. ]
And how would you help me, Robert, do tell. I'm so very curious.
It's not like that at a-all, Helios. I appreciate you e-entirely on your own merits. [Despite the slight stammer, Robert's expression hardens slightly, and his lips draw into a thin line.] Y-You... You're usually such a kind person...
However I could, Helios. Whatever would h-help you. But you usually don't tell me, you won't be open with me... [Memories of the other-Luceti Valley Helios in his dreams, always gentle, but still hidden, still an enigma...
Usually. People have the capacity to change faster than you think sometimes.
[ Another step forward, Robert might find himself pinned between Helios and a tree now. ] You want me to be open with you, Robert? You want to know that I have been thinking about--about that.
[ There's almost a conflicted look on his features as a hand goes to his temple in a slightly pained way. It's almost like he's internally fighting with himself but it goes just as quickly as it comes. He remembers it too and it's a damn nagging feeling, always there never leaving him alone. ]
[Robert makes a small stifled sound of fear as he feels his thin back press against the tree trunk. He's pinned, trapped like a caged animal, and there's this man in front of him, this man with the hate in his eyes that Robert can see but can't comprehend...]
All... A-All you ever needed to do was tell me how you felt and then m-maybe I could have actually done something about it...
[His heartbeat is hammering in his chest, and tendrils of panic clutch at him. He's close enough to smell that scent of electricity still wafting about Helios' hands.
... He's thinking about that, yes, and it sends a spike of guilt and shame and almost-want-but-not-quite through the pit of his stomach.
Robert pulls himself closer to the tree, instinctively trying to get away even knowing he can't at this point. Some voice inside screams for him to fight back and something else screams that he can't, that it's wrong and horrible and it'd be better to just stand here and die...]
It wasn't real. It wasn't supposed to be real. And yet... [ It's always there clinging to him like a damnable shadow. Ever since that shift on Valentine's Day. Helios' left arm will lash out and his open hand will slam into the trunk of the tree blocking that way of escape. His right hand will continue to rub his temple, eyes closing as a small sigh escapes his lips. ]
...and yet I can't stop but wonder sometimes. I won't be good enough, I never wanted to be. But I hate these deplorable thoughts and feelings I have when I see you. Even after so long why are they still there.
[ It's mostly anger and some pent up frustration about the whole ordeal. None of this is remotely helped by the fact that Robert turned to Giles afterward. ]
[At first, Robert is silent, save a squeak as Helios encloses him on one side. He subtly shifts, trying to break out and away without catching Helios' attention, but he knows it's probably futile.
Real feelings... He doesn't know what "real" means. All he knows is that something has always drawn him to Helios, despite that hate, and in the dreams he can remember feeling real feelings for Helios, for the gentle Helios that lives in his dreams at least - real feelings that he remembers being turned down, but real feelings nonetheless. Confused feelings now because he knows he shouldn't be feeling that way, not with Donatello being his lover already...]
... I-I don't know whether anything is r-real, anymore...
...
And, m-maybe... maybe they're... [... More real than either of us wanted to think. And yet the dream said they weren't real for Helios, and Robert isn't sure whether to trust reality or the dream more.
In the end, he just fearfully tries to pull away again, conscious of the oppressive closeness of Helios' body and the little part of his mind that whispers that maybe he deserves this for being a terrible friend...]
Maybe they're what? [ That question is snapped out; Helios' green eyes flickering as a small spark shoots from his right hand. Real? Like having feelings for someone that you know it could never work between and then realizing that those feelings aren't all related to the shifts. It was a jarring notion, enough to make him clench his jaw as he thought about, still looking at the man pinned against him and the tree. ]
I hate you and the way you look at Giles like that. It disgusts me. [ It makes him jealous and feel things he shouldn't technically feel. It was so confusing and making him angry. ]
[Softly:] M-Maybe... maybe they are real... Th-they were in my dreams, too... [He can't stop himself from whispering it, his heartbeat audible; that spark dancing across Helios' palm is terrifying because Robert knows just how much Helios could hurt him - or even kill him - if he wanted to...]
I... It... i-it isn't like that, H-Helios... Not with him... [Maybe there was hidden hunger there, but it feels less and less intense now as time passes and the dream merges with reality. It feels ersatz, not like these feelings for Helios that frighten Robert because they flicker in and out of reality, in and out of sanity.] H-He... He doesn't feel that way... [At least as far as Robert could ever tell. And though sometimes he can remember wanting to hold Giles, sometimes even wanting to kiss him, it's not quite the same thing here...]
I-I care about Rupert, yes, b-but... [I truly love Donatello...
That much was still clear, even now. Even in his dreams.]
Good. You don't deserve him anyway. [ It's rather blunt and to the point but that's the other side for you and Helios' gaze is just as annoyed as it was before. Another wave of pain shoots through Helios' head. It's more prominent as Helios will visibly wince from it. Stupid headaches drive him absolutely mad and these feelings of needing to embrace, no, kiss perhaps this man before him. It's partially the other one's fault. That stupid shift making him go weak for this...this pathetic man. He was so weak and yet there was a friction there contrary to what he felt. Goddamn shifts.
Some part of him knew that he shouldn't but that side was forcefully pushed out of his mind. His right hand will come up and he'll slowly trace along Robert's jaw line. ] I don't really like you. Those feelings weren't real no matter how much you or I want them to be.
[ He'll pause his fingers underneath Robert's chin. His green eyes flicker with anger. ] The other one might be able to control himself. But I can't...can't stand it.
[You aren't good enough for him. It's like a knife in his side, tearing, pouring salt in old wounds that the dreams were already reopening. Yes, it's true; he didn't deserve Benjamin, and he doesn't deserve Giles, he doesn't deserve Donatello, he doesn't deserve Helios, he doesn't deserve...
He's too pathetic, he can't do anything, doesn't even really know if he wants to do anything. He can only stand there and breathe raggedly as Helios' fingers slide across his jaw, making the skin tingle with the almost mocking gentleness of the touch.
He feels them stop against his carotid artery and trembles slightly, his bottom lip quivering slightly, his gray eyes searching Helios' stony face. "Control himself"...? Did that mean...?]
H-Helios...?
[Please don't, please...
He doesn't even know if part of him wants this or not. And the fact he isn't sure makes him even more ashamed.]
[ Helios will jerk Robert's chin up so he's now looking eye to eye with him. His expression doesn't change it doesn't even register Robert's blatant fear. ] You probably want this, don't you? Everything you do is so...annoying. Your pathetic fearful sniveling cowering. I don't understand how he could like you.
[ Helios' left hand will be gripping Robert's shoulder almost painfully so. ] And yet still...I.
[ Without much warning he'll indulge the other part of him, the part that secretly wanted this. With his left arm wrapping around the other's waist he'll drag Robert into a forceful kiss his right hand falling away and slowly he'll lift it up to his side. There's nothing behind the action this Helios isn't so welcoming to the idea of kissing this man but it quells some of the inner turmoil, makes it better and more serene. Weakness. That's all this person was. He had to destroy anything that would cause harm or weakness to himself. Robert has been nothing but distressing to the other more kind side. Not openly distressing, no, but it was still there. Therefore must be destroyed if only out of self preservation and fear alone; its enough to warrant this Helios' rage. Some part of him is at least satisfied while the other is simply outraged and ready to get rid of Robert once and for all. A small fireball glowing with intensity will flare to life in Helios' open right palm. ]
[Robert might as well be looking at a glacier for all the imposing harsh coldness he's staring at right now. He makes a quiet tremulous sound, shaking against the fierce grip on his shoulder and the hand on his head, preventing him from looking down and away from that accusatory glance. It's all true, he is pathetic and fearful and snivelling and cowering, that's all he's ever been; that's all he ever will be.]
...
I-I don't understand how he c-could like me, either...
[And then he falls silent as Helios pulls him into a harsh embrace and crushes those colder lips against his own. This is entirely different from the kiss he remembers giving Helios - both the one in the dream and the one before - and though a part of himself reacts, curls into the motion almost instinctively, lets Helios kiss him in this aggressive, dangerous way that terrifies Robert's mind and emerging Terran ethics... well, the rest watches with detached horror and the perverse sensation of knowing his body is slightly aroused by this.
Of course, this arousal dies the moment Helios pulls away and conjures the flame in his palm, and is replaced by an ice-cold spike of terror.]
H-Helios... please, you d-don't need to... I-I d-don't know what I did wrong, but...! [The kiss still burning on his mouth, Robert shudderingly pulls back. His combat training has been becoming increasingly difficult to access or allow, but he wills himself to at least consider the possibility of attacking Helios - most of him is screaming inside, though, and can't even fathom the possibility. In all honesty, he'd rather just stand here and die in his arms.]
Y-you don't have to do this... [Whispering:] I-I've never done you any h-harm... w-why...?
[ He lets his left arm drop from behind Robert. The next sentence is said almost in an accusatory hiss. ]
No harm you can see. Nuisance. I don't even care if I never come back after this. As long as I deal with you it'll be better. Everything will be better.
[ This side doesn't consider the immediate consequences it doesn't realize that by killing someone could ultimately ruin the other side of him. It just knows one thing and one thing only. He looks back and forth between the fireball and Robert with a smug expression. ] Have to do this.
A specific part of his dream - amongst many others - is the part that's driven him to get up and walk outside into the forest. He even remembers the exact date - September 13, 2314 A.D., Standard Terran Years - which is in the future and should be impossible but he knows it's the right date. He remembers Benjamin, a version of Benjamin or some doppelganger of him at the least, screaming at him - "You can't just walk away from me, Rob" - and the words hurt and that nickname feels like a punch in the stomach - "It's either your fucking schoolwork or me 'cause it seems like you can't deal with both" - and he remembers being in a stupor - withdrawal symptoms, even though drugs don't exist in Luceti and these are the first introduction to the term he has... A half-sane stupor, staggering around, weeping into his hands... and then fleeing, fleeing from everybody... His friends, his family, his home, his life.
You aren't good enough for him.
Those marks on his arms are needle scars. They aren't self-injuries.
And that's what made it really click, for Robert. That the dreams aren't just dreams.
So he's stumbled out of his apartment in a haze of horror and disgust and self-hatred, and he almost doesn't notice anything until he hears that loud bang in stereo, both over the journal and near enough to be within the general audible range of Robert's staggering walk.
A few minutes later he can see Helios cutting through the trees and oh no he has that face that he has when he sees Robert and Giles together and it hurts because it's like Benjamin's face from his dream.
But he still ventures a soft questioning voice.]
H-Helios...?
... A-Are, are you a-alright...?
[Even as he says it he knows it's a farce, knows there's no way he can be alright. Not during this hell.]
Reply
[ It's a biting remark laced with poison and pent up anger that he can finally let seep out. And oh how he is going to let it seep out. Helios will actually make a bee line straight towards Robert. ]
Reply
He's afraid of Helios, a little bit. That anger... written all over his face and dripping from that one short sentence to the point where even Robert can pick it up.]
I-I... I'm always concerned about you, H-Helios. You're... you're my friend... [Normally, anyway. Don't you remember, before February...?]
... You kn-know I'd always help you if you n-needed it... [Robert realizes he has nowhere to really run, now, from Helios...]
Reply
And how would you help me, Robert, do tell. I'm so very curious.
Reply
However I could, Helios. Whatever would h-help you. But you usually don't tell me, you won't be open with me... [Memories of the other-Luceti Valley Helios in his dreams, always gentle, but still hidden, still an enigma...
Why can he remember kissing Helios so well?]
Reply
[ Another step forward, Robert might find himself pinned between Helios and a tree now. ] You want me to be open with you, Robert? You want to know that I have been thinking about--about that.
[ There's almost a conflicted look on his features as a hand goes to his temple in a slightly pained way. It's almost like he's internally fighting with himself but it goes just as quickly as it comes. He remembers it too and it's a damn nagging feeling, always there never leaving him alone. ]
Reply
All... A-All you ever needed to do was tell me how you felt and then m-maybe I could have actually done something about it...
[His heartbeat is hammering in his chest, and tendrils of panic clutch at him. He's close enough to smell that scent of electricity still wafting about Helios' hands.
... He's thinking about that, yes, and it sends a spike of guilt and shame and almost-want-but-not-quite through the pit of his stomach.
Robert pulls himself closer to the tree, instinctively trying to get away even knowing he can't at this point. Some voice inside screams for him to fight back and something else screams that he can't, that it's wrong and horrible and it'd be better to just stand here and die...]
Reply
...and yet I can't stop but wonder sometimes. I won't be good enough, I never wanted to be. But I hate these deplorable thoughts and feelings I have when I see you. Even after so long why are they still there.
[ It's mostly anger and some pent up frustration about the whole ordeal. None of this is remotely helped by the fact that Robert turned to Giles afterward. ]
Reply
Real feelings... He doesn't know what "real" means. All he knows is that something has always drawn him to Helios, despite that hate, and in the dreams he can remember feeling real feelings for Helios, for the gentle Helios that lives in his dreams at least - real feelings that he remembers being turned down, but real feelings nonetheless. Confused feelings now because he knows he shouldn't be feeling that way, not with Donatello being his lover already...]
... I-I don't know whether anything is r-real, anymore...
...
And, m-maybe... maybe they're... [... More real than either of us wanted to think. And yet the dream said they weren't real for Helios, and Robert isn't sure whether to trust reality or the dream more.
In the end, he just fearfully tries to pull away again, conscious of the oppressive closeness of Helios' body and the little part of his mind that whispers that maybe he deserves this for being a terrible friend...]
Reply
I hate you and the way you look at Giles like that. It disgusts me. [ It makes him jealous and feel things he shouldn't technically feel. It was so confusing and making him angry. ]
Reply
I... It... i-it isn't like that, H-Helios... Not with him... [Maybe there was hidden hunger there, but it feels less and less intense now as time passes and the dream merges with reality. It feels ersatz, not like these feelings for Helios that frighten Robert because they flicker in and out of reality, in and out of sanity.] H-He... He doesn't feel that way... [At least as far as Robert could ever tell. And though sometimes he can remember wanting to hold Giles, sometimes even wanting to kiss him, it's not quite the same thing here...]
I-I care about Rupert, yes, b-but... [I truly love Donatello...
That much was still clear, even now. Even in his dreams.]
Reply
Some part of him knew that he shouldn't but that side was forcefully pushed out of his mind. His right hand will come up and he'll slowly trace along Robert's jaw line. ] I don't really like you. Those feelings weren't real no matter how much you or I want them to be.
[ He'll pause his fingers underneath Robert's chin. His green eyes flicker with anger. ] The other one might be able to control himself. But I can't...can't stand it.
Reply
He's too pathetic, he can't do anything, doesn't even really know if he wants to do anything. He can only stand there and breathe raggedly as Helios' fingers slide across his jaw, making the skin tingle with the almost mocking gentleness of the touch.
He feels them stop against his carotid artery and trembles slightly, his bottom lip quivering slightly, his gray eyes searching Helios' stony face. "Control himself"...? Did that mean...?]
H-Helios...?
[Please don't, please...
He doesn't even know if part of him wants this or not. And the fact he isn't sure makes him even more ashamed.]
Reply
[ Helios' left hand will be gripping Robert's shoulder almost painfully so. ] And yet still...I.
[ Without much warning he'll indulge the other part of him, the part that secretly wanted this. With his left arm wrapping around the other's waist he'll drag Robert into a forceful kiss his right hand falling away and slowly he'll lift it up to his side. There's nothing behind the action this Helios isn't so welcoming to the idea of kissing this man but it quells some of the inner turmoil, makes it better and more serene. Weakness. That's all this person was. He had to destroy anything that would cause harm or weakness to himself. Robert has been nothing but distressing to the other more kind side. Not openly distressing, no, but it was still there. Therefore must be destroyed if only out of self preservation and fear alone; its enough to warrant this Helios' rage. Some part of him is at least satisfied while the other is simply outraged and ready to get rid of Robert once and for all. A small fireball glowing with intensity will flare to life in Helios' open right palm. ]
I'll get rid of you for both our sakes.
Reply
...
I-I don't understand how he c-could like me, either...
[And then he falls silent as Helios pulls him into a harsh embrace and crushes those colder lips against his own. This is entirely different from the kiss he remembers giving Helios - both the one in the dream and the one before - and though a part of himself reacts, curls into the motion almost instinctively, lets Helios kiss him in this aggressive, dangerous way that terrifies Robert's mind and emerging Terran ethics... well, the rest watches with detached horror and the perverse sensation of knowing his body is slightly aroused by this.
Of course, this arousal dies the moment Helios pulls away and conjures the flame in his palm, and is replaced by an ice-cold spike of terror.]
H-Helios... please, you d-don't need to... I-I d-don't know what I did wrong, but...! [The kiss still burning on his mouth, Robert shudderingly pulls back. His combat training has been becoming increasingly difficult to access or allow, but he wills himself to at least consider the possibility of attacking Helios - most of him is screaming inside, though, and can't even fathom the possibility. In all honesty, he'd rather just stand here and die in his arms.]
Y-you don't have to do this... [Whispering:] I-I've never done you any h-harm... w-why...?
Reply
No harm you can see. Nuisance. I don't even care if I never come back after this. As long as I deal with you it'll be better. Everything will be better.
[ This side doesn't consider the immediate consequences it doesn't realize that by killing someone could ultimately ruin the other side of him. It just knows one thing and one thing only. He looks back and forth between the fireball and Robert with a smug expression. ] Have to do this.
Reply
Leave a comment