The next step in my dance life - The Body
I think that part of being an artist is the willingness to open up your life and soul to the world; to lay it bare with all its ugliness and quirks and joys and beauty and desires. Because by opening up you allow others, who are probably on the same journeys, a way to go through cartharsis and grow.
But it's scary to do that. What if speaking or dancing or writing or painting or sculpting or whatever art you do; what if your voice and life are inconsequential? What if you are truly alone in your journey through Life?
Then you do it anyway. Because you're an artist and you NEED to do this. You NEED the cartharsis yourself in order to grow or you die. Replace the word "artist" with "human" at some point and you realize how important it is.
To that end, here is part of my life journey laid bare.
This past weekend I attended a conference of performing arts companies, bookers, and arts organizations. I watched so many music and folk, ballet, and modern dance showcases. I've always been inspired and moved by professional dancers. The degree of body control and the range of movement that they have allows them to express things that I can only dream of. They move me to tears not just by what they are saying when they dance but with the pain in my heart of wanting to express myself in the same way.
I am fat. I am a big girl. Plus size. Yes, I am and I am happy with who I am. Despite my size, I have a healthy mind and soul, friends and community, and a talent for dance and expression. But the body that I have right now limits me. I cannot say as much as I would like to when I dance; I cannot fully express myself. This limitation has reached the point in my life where I am unhappy and have no direction to go to; nowhere to grow to. This is a terrible place to be as an artist and a human.
But I have fear. Of all the options I see before me of where I can grow next as a human being, changing my body in order to be a great dancer is the scariest. The path is fraught with obstacles and pain and the possibility that I will fail. I am very old for a dancer. I have health issues. I am lazy and weak. I won't like the person I will grow into. The path is pointless and I won't achieve anything.
It's also the most desirable path. The hunger that I had for that path and dampened down because of fear is growing.
One of the things I fear most is changing the person that I am. In different eras of my life I focused on different things. My identity, my relationships and sex, my self awareness, my friends and family, my awareness of the world and Life, my dancing. With each thing that I focused and grew, I changed as a person. Such is the nature of growth. I really like who I am now. It took many years and many tears to become the person I am now and I love me with a fierceness that protects me and helps me move through this world. I am so fully ME, so fully myself. and I live my life as a present and experiencing human being.
I like the person that I am now and to have to grow and leave her, the woman I've become, pains me. I'm scared. Last night at PURE we did a dance therapy exercise. At one point, tired and exhausted from dancing, we had our eyes closed and were supposed to envision our dreams. Rather than do that, I stood still, and turned back with a reaching movement towards the mirror. Still with my eyes closed, I saw myself; the beautiful person that I am. I touched her face, I petted her, I turned and hugged and held her. It was like saying good bye but it wasn't a good bye. It was like we were saying, "It's okay now. We can grow. We can do this.". I turned forward and took a step ahead and the exercise finished. It was a release for me to let go of my past, a very good past mind you, and to move forward in the next step of my life.
The other thing that I fear, that is related to my identity, is how the process of changing my body will change my personality. Let's take Dance for instance. When I decided that Dance was what I wanted I poured all of myself into it. I took classes, workshops, danced constantly, read books, spent hours/days/years watching videos and surfing the internet for knowledge, went to performances, spent all my money on dance, listened to NOTHING but dance music, changed my lifestyle so that I could pursue it. I put all my energy and mental attention into Dance. Doing so changed me and helped me grow in so many ways. The person I was before I chose Dance is different from who I am now.
The next choice in my path, is The Body. I will be pouring all of myself into improving my body and making it the instrument I want it to be. Diet, strength, flexibility, etc. will be my world. First of all, it's a fine line to walk between focused determination and unhealthy obsession. Secondly, will I like the person I am at the end?
There is fear and I am scared. There is the possibility of change and growth and failure. But if you risk nothing, then why are you here on this Earth?