Fail Your Final
Author's Note: For school? You betcha'. But for something written just before the period it's due, I don't think it's too shabby.
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The alarm clock rings. You wake up with crust in your eyes and foul odors in your mouth and remember that today is a very important day. Butterflies dance and your stomach dies a double-knot in an agonizing blend of fear, adrenaline, and excitement. Here it comes. The one test that could - depending on where your academic priorities stand - make or break your grade. Its Judgment day; the rapture of your education. Sharpen your pencils and break out the new erasers ladies and gentlemen. Step right up and take a chance because failing your final and sending your grade to the cliffs of suicidal despair is as simple as putting procrastination before everything else and abandoning any resemblance of work-ethic from the get go.
The first and most important step from the very beginning, from day one, is to make procrastination your highest priority. Homework is a myth after all; a fantasy adults have invented to keep the minds of their children busy, a fantasy that is no more real than Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny. Therefore, waiting until the last minute to realize the accomplishment or, more to the point, 'existence' of the homework myth will be just as rewarding as being on your best behavior for the entirety of the year in order to satisfy the yearnings of a very fat man dressed in red who apparently knows when you're sleeping and when you're awake... on the other hand, however, the fabled 'textbook' does in fact, exist. Colossal monstrosities containing a myriad of information of questionable significance, these massive, lumbering beasts are believed to house the homework legend. When you're told to do so, go right ahead and dive right in. Read away. However, read everything only once. Once is more than enough to adequately memorize thousands of pages of information.
If you want to be properly rested to tackle your 'homework', it's very important to sleep during class. It's very taxing on the mind, after all, to even begin to acknowledge the existence of something adults try to brainwash you into believing in. To make up for lost time, it's more than alright to copy off of your peers. They shouldn't mind. They won't mind. They ought to be willing to assist a fellow struggling student. When your parents confront you with how well you're doing in school, here's a tip: Lie! Say you have an A. Just imagine he appreciative look of pleasant surprise that will grace their beautifully wrinkled faces once they discover the results of your final. It'll be like the first time you found a dollar under your pillow and the tooth in question is nowhere to be found. If someone ever confronts you and insists that you require tutoring before the day of the final, stick your fingers in your ears and scream. These people are clearly jealous of the life-changing work ethic you have developed and these blood-sucking leeches want a piece of the action.
On the ultimate day before the final - by the way - you want to make absolutely certain that you spend the whole night watching TV or doing something else that will suck up just as much energy. Build up that momentum so that when the final finally arrives, you are so ready to fail. To ensure complete and total failure, it's best to not even show up for it but if you absolutely must go, focus your eyes and mind on other events far more deserving of your attention such as the trees outside swaying in the wind or the test-taker next to you picking his nose.
And there you have it. By procrastinating on every single assignment given to you and being a complete slob in your work-ethic for the span of one whole school year, you have successfully managed to fail your final. Congratulations you clever card. By this point and time, there isn't a doubt in anyone's mind that the highlight of your life will be the day you cease to have one.
- - -
The alarm clock rings. You wake up with crust in your eyes and foul odors in your mouth and remember that today is a very important day. Butterflies dance and your stomach dies a double-knot in an agonizing blend of fear, adrenaline, and excitement. Here it comes. The one test that could - depending on where your academic priorities stand - make or break your grade. Its Judgment day; the rapture of your education. Sharpen your pencils and break out the new erasers ladies and gentlemen. Step right up and take a chance because failing your final and sending your grade to the cliffs of suicidal despair is as simple as putting procrastination before everything else and abandoning any resemblance of work-ethic from the get go.
The first and most important step from the very beginning, from day one, is to make procrastination your highest priority. Homework is a myth after all; a fantasy adults have invented to keep the minds of their children busy, a fantasy that is no more real than Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny. Therefore, waiting until the last minute to realize the accomplishment or, more to the point, 'existence' of the homework myth will be just as rewarding as being on your best behavior for the entirety of the year in order to satisfy the yearnings of a very fat man dressed in red who apparently knows when you're sleeping and when you're awake... on the other hand, however, the fabled 'textbook' does in fact, exist. Colossal monstrosities containing a myriad of information of questionable significance, these massive, lumbering beasts are believed to house the homework legend. When you're told to do so, go right ahead and dive right in. Read away. However, read everything only once. Once is more than enough to adequately memorize thousands of pages of information.
If you want to be properly rested to tackle your 'homework', it's very important to sleep during class. It's very taxing on the mind, after all, to even begin to acknowledge the existence of something adults try to brainwash you into believing in. To make up for lost time, it's more than alright to copy off of your peers. They shouldn't mind. They won't mind. They ought to be willing to assist a fellow struggling student. When your parents confront you with how well you're doing in school, here's a tip: Lie! Say you have an A. Just imagine he appreciative look of pleasant surprise that will grace their beautifully wrinkled faces once they discover the results of your final. It'll be like the first time you found a dollar under your pillow and the tooth in question is nowhere to be found. If someone ever confronts you and insists that you require tutoring before the day of the final, stick your fingers in your ears and scream. These people are clearly jealous of the life-changing work ethic you have developed and these blood-sucking leeches want a piece of the action.
On the ultimate day before the final - by the way - you want to make absolutely certain that you spend the whole night watching TV or doing something else that will suck up just as much energy. Build up that momentum so that when the final finally arrives, you are so ready to fail. To ensure complete and total failure, it's best to not even show up for it but if you absolutely must go, focus your eyes and mind on other events far more deserving of your attention such as the trees outside swaying in the wind or the test-taker next to you picking his nose.
And there you have it. By procrastinating on every single assignment given to you and being a complete slob in your work-ethic for the span of one whole school year, you have successfully managed to fail your final. Congratulations you clever card. By this point and time, there isn't a doubt in anyone's mind that the highlight of your life will be the day you cease to have one.