I Still Do
They told me it was easier than this. Easier than most people think it is. I was supposed to be dead by now. Once you got to a certain point, they said, 'there was no turning back', and 'your body just follows through with it', irregardless of what your conscience says to you. My soul and my aching heart longed to go for another dip, but something held me back.
I started to scream. Like a wild, frenzied animal trapped within the cruel, unforgiving metal of an iron cage, I relentlessly threw my corpse of a body against the bathroom wall. My head bobbed like a useless melon atop a bending bamboo stick. Eerie patterns of streaked blood smeared the wall left, right, up, and down. I was bleeding. And, as was always the case, I didn't seem to care.
...A suitable substitute to suicide for today. And who knew what tomorrow would bring. A twisted, vicious cycle that always ended in everything and anything but death. But I didn't seem to care. Because there was always something - I could never put my finger on just what - but something that would pull the leash just moments before I flew off the high cliffs of the world's end into the burning depths of a Hell from which I could never return. It was a mixed package, but one I always found myself considering when shit hit the fan.
And I didn't have any 401.
- - -
I sat on the edge of a slightly decaying mattress within the molding remains of a two-star Las Vegas motel facing the chipped painting of a wall opposite me and holding a bloodstained rag to the side of my head. A shot of cheap, untouched vodka awaited my dry, chapped lips next to a burning cigarette inside the cheap souvenir gift of an 'I Love Vegas' ash tray. If I could ask myself anything and get an honest answer in return - because quite honestly, it'd be a crock of shit any other way - it'd be this.
Where the fuck did it all go wrong?
Only you can answer that.
Rubbish. It'll turn into lies down the road.
Are memories really that painful?
You don't know. You don't know what it's like.
How would I know? I am you.
Enough of that. I've had enough. I socked myself in the face, hard enough it seems to send a canine jarring out of my mouth and bouncing across the floor. More blood. I swore and dove for the shot, but my clumsy hands ended up overturning the table and sending my filthy habits sprawling across the tile wood floor. A mess that would kill me inside cleaning up. I knew they were bad. But I went ahead and did them anyway. I'm so fucking stupid.
- - -
Denny's is a nice place. Cheap. Decent food. Lovely people. Even if sometimes their altruistic faces make me want to take a flamethrower to their establishment and give the term 'smoked sausages' a whole new meaning. I hear that they're racist though. Oh well. Doesn't matter to me. Nothing matters to me anymore. Things rarely do these days.
I took a seat next to the window and watched the bulbous flashlights of passing cars on the highway sail by like fat, pompous bumblebees on a roller caster if they could somehow mate with fireflies. Or, wait, scratch that, just fireflies. Oh dear, too much alcohol I think. I raised a hand and passed on the order for now, telling the waiter I wasn't hungry yet. Later, I said. I was fed merely a smile and an, 'Okay sir, I'll be back in a few minutes to take your order.' I wanted to give him a good one but... he had really nice teeth. I respected that. If you can be so anal about something so senselessly benign as the pearly whites in your thick skull, you must be pretty meticulous.
My eyes were momentarily raped with the light of an incoming, hood less car. Some crazy dudes in that car. Wait. Correction. Three dudes and one dudette. I rolled my eyes.
- - -
I was in the middle of a fairly decent hamburger when she suddenly tapped my on the shoulder. I choked on a hunk of meat for a split second before I lunged for the glass of Coca-Cola at my side, forcing the cow remains down my esophagus with a suckered gasp. I breathed for a bit, collected myself, and turned around.
'The hell you want?'
She studied my tired face for a bit, tapping her chin, before a smile came to her face. 'Holy shit!'
'Cow.'
'What?'
'Holy cow. Cows are holy. Milk is good. Great with cookies. Shit, on the other hand, is far from heavenly. They are cookies. But not good cookies.' I took another swig of Coca-Cola.
She just laughed and I winced. Christ, it was loud. And jarring. 'Typical. You're still you.'
'What?'
'Crazy! Seeing you here, out of... everywhere. Small world!'
'Well, I'd like to believe our world is fairly large but if that's how you see it...'
'Man, all these years! Jesus, how have you been?'
'It's like I'm talking to myself. Are you really that detached?'
'Huh?'
I was dumbfounded. All I could give then was a cold laugh and a batted eye. 'You still haven't asked my question. What the hell do you want from me?'
'Oh, well... wait, asked?'
'Huh?'
'You mean answered. You said, 'You still haven't asked my question.' Caught you!'
'Oh. I guess... you did. Pretty slick of you. Excuse me, I'm going back to my cow.' I gave her the thumbs up. Then I turned around and returned to my burger. Crazy woman. Crazy woman had the nerve to tap my shoulder again. With a haggard sigh, I faced her once again. 'What?!'
'You don't recognize me?'
I looked closer, and it suddenly hit me like a block of cement. I felt like my teeth were getting dislodged again.
'Holy...'
'You're slower than I remember.' She laughed.
- - -
I suddenly regretted bringing her back to my motel room. Stupid, stupid me. I stood in front of the door, pretending I had no idea where my keys were. They were jingling in my right hand pocket, but I wondered if she'd fall for my sudden case of amnesia.
'Oh, um... shit.' I shrugged. 'Keys are missing. Sorry.'
She rolled her eyes. 'Oh, that's bullshit! I can hear them.'
'Those are my car keys.'
'Where's your car?'
'Okay, maybe not.'
'I thought so.' She smiled and held her hand out. 'It can't be that bad, c'mon.'
'It is.'
An exasperated sigh and more eyes gravitating towards the Heavens. 'I won't hold anything against you if I find pornography scattered all over your place.' Without warning, she dove into my right hand pocket and emerged triumphant with her prize. 'Alright, here we go.' I made a move to stop her but I knew, in the end, she would find out. Whether through interrogation or sheer suspicion. My shoulders sagged and I followed her into my mess of an apartment with a defeated look on my face.
- - -
'Where the fuck did it all go wrong?'
We sat across a wooden table (which just so happened to be missing a leg). The vodka sat harmlessly in the middle, its guiltily shameless crystal liquid illuminated by the light of the moon shining through the open window. An unopened , Marlboro cigarette pack kept it able company.
'Even I can't answer that.' I whispered, staring at the bottle, haphazardly tipping backwards in my chair.
She held her head in her hands and looked at me through her fingers. '...What happened?'
'I don't know.'
'...Please.'
'I said I don't fucking know!' I launched myself out of my chair and stood up, facing away. I couldn't bring myself to look at her.
'...I'm worried about you. Tell me what's wrong.'
Without even glancing at her, I turned around and snatched the vodka off of the table, drinking it straight from the bottle. God, I needed this. So, so very much. All she did was stare. I winced.
'I never thought you'd end up like this.'
'Well, you better believe it sister, because anything is possible!' My hands flew up into the air and some of the cheap liquor went spilling over the carpet floor. 'You remember that, don't you?' I laughed. A hoarse, dry, laugh devoid of heart and soul. I was just a puppet now. It was just a puppet's laugh. I forced a violent cough and temporarily regained my composure.
'This... isn't exactly what I had in mind.'
'That doesn't seem to matter now, does it?' I took another swig. I must have looked disgusting.
'Yes, it does! Jesus, look at you! And you used to be so.. what happened to all of those morals? What happened to all of that? Where did you go?'
I raised an eyebrow and swayed. 'Me? Me right here.'
'No. Not you. You.'
I had to think about it for a minute but it clicked once I knew what she was getting at. Realization dawned and I chuckled. 'Oh.' Set the bottle down and popped my neck. 'If we're thinking about the same thing, then here's your answer: I lost me. And I still have yet to find me.' Another dry laugh before I picked up the bottle again and took a quick sip. 'But enough about me. How have you been?'
She glared at me and snapped. 'This isn't about me! We're talking about you here.'
I raised my hands, palms facing up. 'What's there to talk about? I made some bad choices and now I'm here. I don't like to dwell on things. It's painful. So I'm not going to.'
'Just look at this place! Christ!'
'Who were those three guys you were in the car with?'
She smirked. 'I had a feeling you'd ask me about that.'
'I'm waiting.'
'Two of them are my cousins.'
'And the other fellow?'
'New guy.' Sly smile.
'Oh. Found someone new?'
'Yeah.'
It was my turn to smile. 'That's good. Great. I'm happy you're happy. Really, I am.'
She looked at me for a little longer. 'How can you say that? How can you be so... careless?'
I shrugged. 'I don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore. Don't really care about much either.' My lips hovered near that hole to Hell for a split second but, I thought better of it - not that it mattered but I'll scrap for whatever dignity I can salvage - and lowered the beverage, setting it aside. I could always dive right in later. But something - I couldn't quite put my finger on what - was holding me back from not caring this time. Irregardless of what company I kept, I always drank. But, somehow, I cared this time. The answer as to why might seem obvious, but I had this tiny little feeling down in the pit of my stomach that it went deeper than that. I decided to explore the feeling.
'You've changed.'
'We all do. Why are you stating the obvious?'
'Just putting it out there.'
Cue awkward silence. It lasted for several minutes before I offered her a sip from the bottle. She looked disgusted and waved it away. Suit yourself.
'I recall a promise was made.'
Oh shit. I was hoping she'd forgotten it, but deep down, I knew she would remember.
'...Yeah.'
'You broke it.' Ooh, ooh, ouch, burn! She went the direct, straight forward route. Blunt. No bullshit. I didn't work well with no bullshit. Bullshit made things so much easier. Stinks, sure, but you cover something up in that and it's hard to tell. She leaned across the table and snatched the bottle out of my hand. She was met with little to no resistance. All I wondered was whether or not she could see the subtle hint of pain I concealed. Oh well. I could live without it for the time being.
'...I'm sorry.' I was at a loss for words.
She didn't say anything this time, just looked down at the pack of cigarettes.
'Go ahead and take it if you really want to.' I muttered, darkly.
She laughed and shook her head. 'Nah. I'll keep it there. As a test of faith if you will.'
Fuck.
She looked out the window, crossed her arms, and sighed. 'Do you wanna talk about it?'
'I don't like to dwell on things.' I repeated.
'Just because you don't like it doesn't mean you should always run away from the past.' Her elbows rested on the table and she tried to catch my eye. 'In spite of the pain, sometimes, you need to disregard whatever you feel in order to abolish what hurts you the most. Sometimes, you do need to look back and solve something. Sometimes, you can't move on without picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together. It doesn't always work out if you just always move on. We don't work that way.'
Well. Quite the info dump. I didn't say anything.
'Look.' She continued. 'I know it's hard. But I'll help you! I can help you through this. Believe me when I say I know what you're going through. This kind of shit has happened to me before. It's not worth it. Don't bother putting yourself through something that doesn't have any merit in the endgame. Please, don't do that to yourself.'
The memories started rolling back in again. This was starting to seem all too familiar. Like karma. Like a reversal of roles. Suddenly, I was in her place and she was in mine. Like old times. But switched. A Freaky Friday for the dumb fucks who still can't quite grasp what's going on here. Suddenly, I longed for the sweet, sickening nullification of the bottle again. I wanted to taste that hard, unforgiving liquid cursing my throat yet pushing me past the hard times at the same time. I considered taking the bottle from her by force.
'What do you say?' She looked expectant.
It was difficult for me to speak now. 'I...'
'You...'
'I...'
'...'
'I still do.'
Puzzlement clouded her face. 'Huh? Wait, I don't understand. What are you talking about?'
'I still do.' I let it hang there for a moment, then I added, 'And I always will.'
She had to think about that before realization dawned and her mouth opened to speak, but she seemed to find it difficult to find the words and all she could say was, '...Why?'
'That's not ever going to change.'
Little diamond beads started to form in the corners of her eyes. 'I don't understand...'
'It's not something that's meant to be understood.' I shrugged. 'People try to define it, but no one will ever be able to. People feel it, but words will never do it justice. You're not supposed to.'
'But...'
'Don't.'
I could see her biting her lip, and she wasn't looking at me anymore. 'Don't do this.'
'I'm not doing anything. I'm simply telling you.'
'I told you not to...'
'And I'm not.'
She remained silent again.
'I'm not implying and I'm not hoping for anything. I just want you to know that.'
She started to say something again, but she choked on her words and she suddenly stood up. 'Sorry.' She left the bottle on the table and suddenly headed for the door. 'I've gotta go.'
I was left there with the Devil's drink.
And I knew something.
Tonight would be the night.
The cycle was going to end.
I felt at peace.
Strangely.
I still did.
I still do.
And in Heaven or Hell... I always will.