In-Laws Wedding
I went, I experienced, I ran like hell.
I hope you had a good New Years. I'm willing to bet, it was better than mine.
Here's a day by day recounting of my trip.
Wed: Up at 4am. This is a lot harder to do without sirens/alarms/dispatches. The level of caring just isn't there.
First flight at 6:15am. They turned a 2 hour flight into 3 hours somehow. Arrive in Dallas with less than an hour to connect.
Learn that my wife is unable to decompress her inner ears during descent. Her head may explode, and she's determined to take me with her. Ow.
Get to ride a subway again. Forget how to do it without falling on my ass. Met a nice older lady from Georgia, maybe broke her hip.
Get to connecting gate with 40 minutes to board. Say "Fuck the world" and decide to leave the security checkpoint to have a smoke. Wife not amused.
20 minutes to board, back at the security gate behind a nice Korean family.
5 minutes to board. Saunter back up, What me worry? Wife's head still not decompressed and I almost miss the flight. Wife is not amused.
Arrive in San Antonio. Everyone here to pick us up and greet us is in another terminal. This is somehow our fault.
Chain-smoke in the passenger pick up area. Almost accosted by a security guard for smoking out of place. Glare him away at 15 feet. Continue chain smoking.
Have yet to see anything that's not a bus, or a pickup truck. Wife can't see because her eyes are threatening to explode out of her head. She is not amused.
Meet with Mother-In-Law, and Father-In-Law who pick us up. In his pickup truck.
Informed that we have to run errands for Brother-In-Law/Groom while in San Antonio. Nobody has any clue how to get to the places we are to go.
I am forced to both navigate, and direction find. In San Antonio. Where I've never been before. Wife, Mother-In-Law, not amused.
Resolve to buy my Droid (smart-phone) a beer, as it succeeds in getting us through.
Drive the 120 miles from San Antonio to Junction, Texas. Am asked about every 5 miles how I like it here, and how I like the landscape.
Suppress urge to point out it looks like a series of nuclear weapons were unleashed upon the land, flattening it, glassing it, and leaving behind only charred remains.
Frequency of asking how I like the landscape drops to every 20 miles. This makes it easier to conceal my horror.
Wife's head finally decompresses.
Due to TSA regulations, unable to bring shaving cream, toothpaste, soap, shampoo, etc. Mistakenly state the need to visit someplace to aquire.
Taken, against my will, into a Wal~Mart about 50 miles from Junction. Wonder idly if anymore of those nuclear weapons are available. They missed a few things.
Arrive in Junction, Tx. Looks like Pefferlaw, ON. This is very double-plus-ungood, not cool.
Stolen away by my Brother-In-Law/Groom to aquire/drink beer. Wife not invited. Wife not amused.
Play Civ4 for 2 hours.
Sleep.
Thu: Awoken at 8:30 am by Mother-in-Law who beats on the door to the bedroom as if the house was on fire. Wife is not amused. I'm okay, because it's still lower key than mid-night air-horns.
Loaded into a car, and driven to Del Rio, Texas. Hometown of clan.
Resolve, out loud, to not leave Texas until I see an Armadillo, a Tumbleweed, and a Roadrunner.
Am openly mocked for wanting to see such mundane things. Nobody ever detects my scorn and underlying sarcasm in such resolution.
See an Armadillo. Pull car over, go play with Armadillo. I pet it. And ask it if anyone told it that the dinosaurs are extinct. It snuffles at me, and shuffles off.
Arrive in Del Rio, and am given the tour.
Del Rio looks just like it does in the movie "No Country for Old Men". Awesome.
Am informed that we have a lunch date with wife's old piano teacher. Wife is amused.
Go to pick up wife's old piano teacher. From her nursing home.
I am 2000 miles from home. On my day off. And I am in. a. fucking. nursing. home. I am not amused.
Out to a local mexican restaurant for "world famous cuisine". I hate mexican food. Fucking fucking hate mexican food.
Contemplate which end of the "Feast or Famine" spectrum to fall to. Suck it up. Eat.
Wife's old piano teacher, and Mother-In-Law, go up to the piano on the stage of the restaurant and spend the next hour playing.
94 years old, and she could probably out-play any host of her modern contemporaries. Absolutely beautiful.
Take our inmate home. And yet again; On my day off, And I am in. a. fucking. nursing. home. I am not amused.
Loaded into a car, and driven to Junction, Texas.
Car has to swerve defensively at one point to avoid a tumbleweed the size of a small cow. Awesome.
Play Civ4 for 3 hours.
Bachelor Party, and New Years Eve party will be performed as one act to save time and effort.
Myself, Brother-in-Law/Groom, Brother-in-Law/NotGroom, BIL/G-Friend, enter the "Wild Turkey" "Bar".
I immedieately begin text messaging the executor of my estate with updates to my last will and testament.
Begin drinking heavily in an attempt to "even the playing field".
Speak only when spoken to as an attempt to respect my lead allergy.
Wife, and Sister-in-Law-To-Be/Bride arrive at bar. BIL/G not amused. Query about this. Only 2 bars in town.
Myself, BIL/G, BIL/NG, BIL/G-Friend leave to another bar.
Upon leaving, urgently receive text from Wife warning about this other place per the patrons in the bar we left. Apparently likelyhood of my death has increased.
Arrive at an empty bar, the size of my kitchen.
Begin construction of a Beeramid.
Confronted by some creature's head mounted on a board that I can not identify. This creature is posed holding a human femur in its mouth.
Forced to play pool. Have no played in 15 years. Destroyed.
People arrive into bar, causing my party to get uneasy. Likelyhood of my death has increased.
Resume textings all my friends and family my final goodbyes and wishes.
Evicted from bar at 1:00am exactly. Almost protest, and make mention of this stupid inbred, backwater, policy to close a bar early on New Years Eve.
Beeramid collapses after row #5 is misplaced, forcing us to have to flee for our lives.
Likelyhood of my death increased.
Driven over to a Trailer Park party, complete with old oil barrel serving as a fire-pit.
Handed a ton of Jello Shots.
Pocket the Jello Shots, so I can avoid eating them, when nobody is looking.
Note that not all were as smart as I am, and begin the casualty count.
Listen at length to BIL/G's employee about how his business is in financial ruin, and all his employees are looking for new jobs.
Return home, at 2am. On New Years.
Sleep.
Fri: Allowed to sleep until 9am.
Say hello to my new Hangover. Exchange small talk over bacon and eggs. Inform it that it will not be able to diminish my fun due to general situation.
Hangover sulks, and disappears citing a lack of employment opportunities.
Find 12 Jello Shots in my coat pocket. Discard.
Play Civ4 for 2 hours.
Wife committed us to assist in the set up of the wedding hall last evening after a few drinks.
Attempt to argue the basis of informed-consent, and the inability of an inebriated individual to make good educated decisions.
On way to wedding hall. Wife not amused.
Arrive at location of wedding. It's a quonset hut in the middle of 3 square acres of desert, as if somehow adequate parking space was questionable.
Wife and myself enter, met by SILTB/B and 2 others.
Informed that we are the entirety of the setup crew. Wife not amusing. I am not amused.
Put to work unloading 30 folding tables, and 200 folding chairs.
Queried as to the location within the hall for all the chairs, and tables to be arranged. Am told that there is no plan yet.
Likelyhood of my death increased.
Wife voluntells them how chairs are going to be arranged, and tables are going to be laid out. I love her.
BIL/NG arrives with BIL/G to add to our organizational posse.
BIL/G and SILTB/B depart hall. Those of us who travelled more than 1000 miles to be here now outnumber the locals. Nobody is amused.
A throng of people arrive after we have: Setup all chairs, setup all tables, dressed all tables, created all centerpieces, laid out all centerpieces, and taped everything.
Rumors of an inpromtu rehersal circulate. Flee.
Play Civ4 for 4 hours.
Sleep.
Sat: Wedding day.
Wake up at 9am. Ask about time of wedding, informed I have 8 hours to kill before needing to get ready to go.
Play Civ4 for 8 hours.
Returned to the Quonset hut for the wedding.
Bride was 30 minutes late.
Pre-wedding music consists of banjo's.
Counting the tattoos on the bride's wedding party. Stop counting at 20 as it's not even funny anymore.
Once more begin texting my executor the specifics of my will to ensure he has them right.
Bride enters to a familiar song. My mother's wedding song. This could be a bad omen.
Service begins.
Very obvious that the ability to read the english language is NOT a requirement to be able to perform weddings in this state.
Am in the front row. Am sure "minister" can see me laughing at his patheticness.
Likelyhood of my death increased.
Service over.
There is now a police officer in attendance, walking around looking over everyone with his hand on his gun.
Attempt to sit for dinner.
Am moved 3 times by people who care about everyone else even less than I do. Impressive.
Wedding buffet consists of brisket, potato salad, and bud light.
Speech time.
BIL/NG reveals his wedding gift of $200 to settle a bet they made when they were kids. $200 to whoever got married first. He has paid 199.95 in pennies. One nickel.
Maid of honor reveals during the course of her speech that she is not able to read the english language either.
MoH reveals that she does not wish to get married. An audible snicker ripples through the room as she is about 300 pounds past the point of that being a concern.
Cake cutting time.
SIL/B states that her new husband is NOT to cut a piece of cake, and mash it in her face.
Disbelief that she really said that.
Snicker as SIL/B screeches in protest after having cake mashed in her face.
"Dance" begins.
More Bud Light.
Wife demands I dance with her. I decline. Wife steals my cigarettes.
Wife demands I dance with her. I accept. Wife returns my cigarettes.
Am introduced to the "Cupid Shuffle". Oh my fucking god kill me.
Ask my MIL to dance, as now I have to compete to be the best child-in-law.
More Bud Light.
Depart wedding hall, and convoy over to the... "Wild Turkey" "Bar" for post wedding celebrations.
"Bar" closes 20 minutes after we get there, with no reprieve in sight.
Return home. Depressed that this is the sum of the "night life".
Sleep.
Sun: Woke up on my own time, greeted by an optimistic hangover.
Once more inform hangover that it will find no opportunity to cause misery. It sulks off again.
Ask what the general plan for the day is, am told that it is for relaxing.
Play Civ4 for 8 hours.
BIL/G and his friend arrive at 4pm, and accuse me of having mentioned something about wanting to learn how to discharge a firearm while drunk the other night.
I may have remembered saying something about this.
Wife asks to come, but is denied on the basis of her gender. Wife is not amused.
Thrown in the back of a pickup truck (Quad cab, of course.), and driven around to pick up additional personnel, weapons, and ammo.
Watch someone pay $130 for bullets, without batting an eyelash.
Drive out to a farm in the middle of the desert and take inventory of all the assorted weapons.
I fire them all, multiple times. Ending a lifetime policy of pacifism and gun-less-ness.
Almost lose my shoulder to a 10ga shotgun.
Watch in amusement as BIL/G accidentally discharges a revolver into the ground, 2" from his foot.
Laugh at his dumb-assery, until it dawns on me that I'd have to do something about it if he did.
Accost him on two fronts.
Finish firing off $130 worth of bullets.
Return home.
Wife announces she now has a massive head cold. Wife is not amused.
I picture her head exploding in a shower of mucus and snot on the plane, all over rows of idiotic passengers. I am amused.
Inquire about dinner, and am informed there is none.
Inquire about lunch then, since there had been none of that either, and am informed there is none.
Inquire about a bed-time snack, and am informed there is none.
Aquire dinner, at the cost of angering the MIL. Only due to my level of starvation is this an acceptable exchange.
Play Civ4 for 4 hours.
Sleep.
Mon: Woke up on my own time, greeted by a rebound hangover.
Don't waste the energy talking to it, simply point and it whimpers away.
Play Civ4 for 4 hours.
Pack up, and begin drive to airport.
Wife threatens to fill the truck with her head-cold's remnants. Wife is not amused.
I remember the trip down. I am not amused.
Get lost 3 times trying to get to the airport. Nobody is amused.
Deposited at curb and say goodbye. I did not see a Roadrunner. I am not amused.
Discover we are three hours early for our flight instead of the 2 we had planned. We are not amused.
Wife refuses to eat, or drinking, stating that she would prefer to simply wither away and die than try to sustain her life.
Coax wife to eat. Wife eats. Wife is not amused.
Make a point of going out for a cigarette every 45 minutes, forcing security to re-inspect me every time.
For my own personal amusement, I wear a different shirt each time to see if it's noticed.
It isn't. I am amused.
Wife can't breathe. Wife is not amused.
Wife can't hear. Wife is not amused.
Wife runs out of kleenex. Nobody is amused.
Play Civ4 for 3 hours.
First flight is delayed by 35 minutes. Nobody bothers to tell us. We are not amused.
As we are boarding, I inquire of one of the gentlemen behind the counter as to how long the delay is expected to last. He responds as if I had just insulted the size and girth of his member.
Ignore small-dicked man and board the plane.
Wife still is not able to decompress her ears on descent. Wife is not amused.
Attempt to teach wife how to clear her ears by holding her nose and 'phantom blowing'. Unsuccessful.
Remember small-dicked man and have no guilt over the fact that chair in front of wife is now coated with snot due to her unsuccessful attempts at clearing her ears.
Wife's head does not explode in a comedic shower of pus. I am not amused.
Wife is very, very unhappy with life and her role in it at this time. Wife is very not amused.
Due to delay of first flight, now have 15 minutes to cross from one terminal to the other and board the train.
Regain my subway car surfing mojo.
Wife not so fortunate.
Laugh at wife. Wife not amused.
Wonder if my scrotum will ever repair itself. Wife is amused.
Arrive at gate of connecting flight with it boarding in 5 minutes.
No opportunity to even think about having a cigarette. I AM NOT AMUSED.
Begrudgingly chew the nicorette I had brought for just such an occasion.
Wife's head threatens to explode numerous times, but sadly does not. Wife is not amused.
Note that this pilot crew wishes to do in 2 hours what it took the first crew to do in 3. And they succeed.
Wife still can not decompresses inner ears. Wife is not amused.
Arrive at airport. Dispatch wife to baggage check. Dispatch self to have a cigarette.
Sit on the hood of an airport security police cruiser and have a cigarette. Owner of this car is nowhere in sight. I am amused.
Grab bags and return to van.
Discover that our parking bill was double of what we expected it to be. "Oops"
Note only one new sizable dent in my van's door. Call this a win.
Return home, open door, walk inside.
~~FIN~~
I hope you had a good New Years. I'm willing to bet, it was better than mine.
Here's a day by day recounting of my trip.
Wed: Up at 4am. This is a lot harder to do without sirens/alarms/dispatches. The level of caring just isn't there.
First flight at 6:15am. They turned a 2 hour flight into 3 hours somehow. Arrive in Dallas with less than an hour to connect.
Learn that my wife is unable to decompress her inner ears during descent. Her head may explode, and she's determined to take me with her. Ow.
Get to ride a subway again. Forget how to do it without falling on my ass. Met a nice older lady from Georgia, maybe broke her hip.
Get to connecting gate with 40 minutes to board. Say "Fuck the world" and decide to leave the security checkpoint to have a smoke. Wife not amused.
20 minutes to board, back at the security gate behind a nice Korean family.
5 minutes to board. Saunter back up, What me worry? Wife's head still not decompressed and I almost miss the flight. Wife is not amused.
Arrive in San Antonio. Everyone here to pick us up and greet us is in another terminal. This is somehow our fault.
Chain-smoke in the passenger pick up area. Almost accosted by a security guard for smoking out of place. Glare him away at 15 feet. Continue chain smoking.
Have yet to see anything that's not a bus, or a pickup truck. Wife can't see because her eyes are threatening to explode out of her head. She is not amused.
Meet with Mother-In-Law, and Father-In-Law who pick us up. In his pickup truck.
Informed that we have to run errands for Brother-In-Law/Groom while in San Antonio. Nobody has any clue how to get to the places we are to go.
I am forced to both navigate, and direction find. In San Antonio. Where I've never been before. Wife, Mother-In-Law, not amused.
Resolve to buy my Droid (smart-phone) a beer, as it succeeds in getting us through.
Drive the 120 miles from San Antonio to Junction, Texas. Am asked about every 5 miles how I like it here, and how I like the landscape.
Suppress urge to point out it looks like a series of nuclear weapons were unleashed upon the land, flattening it, glassing it, and leaving behind only charred remains.
Frequency of asking how I like the landscape drops to every 20 miles. This makes it easier to conceal my horror.
Wife's head finally decompresses.
Due to TSA regulations, unable to bring shaving cream, toothpaste, soap, shampoo, etc. Mistakenly state the need to visit someplace to aquire.
Taken, against my will, into a Wal~Mart about 50 miles from Junction. Wonder idly if anymore of those nuclear weapons are available. They missed a few things.
Arrive in Junction, Tx. Looks like Pefferlaw, ON. This is very double-plus-ungood, not cool.
Stolen away by my Brother-In-Law/Groom to aquire/drink beer. Wife not invited. Wife not amused.
Play Civ4 for 2 hours.
Sleep.
Thu: Awoken at 8:30 am by Mother-in-Law who beats on the door to the bedroom as if the house was on fire. Wife is not amused. I'm okay, because it's still lower key than mid-night air-horns.
Loaded into a car, and driven to Del Rio, Texas. Hometown of clan.
Resolve, out loud, to not leave Texas until I see an Armadillo, a Tumbleweed, and a Roadrunner.
Am openly mocked for wanting to see such mundane things. Nobody ever detects my scorn and underlying sarcasm in such resolution.
See an Armadillo. Pull car over, go play with Armadillo. I pet it. And ask it if anyone told it that the dinosaurs are extinct. It snuffles at me, and shuffles off.
Arrive in Del Rio, and am given the tour.
Del Rio looks just like it does in the movie "No Country for Old Men". Awesome.
Am informed that we have a lunch date with wife's old piano teacher. Wife is amused.
Go to pick up wife's old piano teacher. From her nursing home.
I am 2000 miles from home. On my day off. And I am in. a. fucking. nursing. home. I am not amused.
Out to a local mexican restaurant for "world famous cuisine". I hate mexican food. Fucking fucking hate mexican food.
Contemplate which end of the "Feast or Famine" spectrum to fall to. Suck it up. Eat.
Wife's old piano teacher, and Mother-In-Law, go up to the piano on the stage of the restaurant and spend the next hour playing.
94 years old, and she could probably out-play any host of her modern contemporaries. Absolutely beautiful.
Take our inmate home. And yet again; On my day off, And I am in. a. fucking. nursing. home. I am not amused.
Loaded into a car, and driven to Junction, Texas.
Car has to swerve defensively at one point to avoid a tumbleweed the size of a small cow. Awesome.
Play Civ4 for 3 hours.
Bachelor Party, and New Years Eve party will be performed as one act to save time and effort.
Myself, Brother-in-Law/Groom, Brother-in-Law/NotGroom, BIL/G-Friend, enter the "Wild Turkey" "Bar".
I immedieately begin text messaging the executor of my estate with updates to my last will and testament.
Begin drinking heavily in an attempt to "even the playing field".
Speak only when spoken to as an attempt to respect my lead allergy.
Wife, and Sister-in-Law-To-Be/Bride arrive at bar. BIL/G not amused. Query about this. Only 2 bars in town.
Myself, BIL/G, BIL/NG, BIL/G-Friend leave to another bar.
Upon leaving, urgently receive text from Wife warning about this other place per the patrons in the bar we left. Apparently likelyhood of my death has increased.
Arrive at an empty bar, the size of my kitchen.
Begin construction of a Beeramid.
Confronted by some creature's head mounted on a board that I can not identify. This creature is posed holding a human femur in its mouth.
Forced to play pool. Have no played in 15 years. Destroyed.
People arrive into bar, causing my party to get uneasy. Likelyhood of my death has increased.
Resume textings all my friends and family my final goodbyes and wishes.
Evicted from bar at 1:00am exactly. Almost protest, and make mention of this stupid inbred, backwater, policy to close a bar early on New Years Eve.
Beeramid collapses after row #5 is misplaced, forcing us to have to flee for our lives.
Likelyhood of my death increased.
Driven over to a Trailer Park party, complete with old oil barrel serving as a fire-pit.
Handed a ton of Jello Shots.
Pocket the Jello Shots, so I can avoid eating them, when nobody is looking.
Note that not all were as smart as I am, and begin the casualty count.
Listen at length to BIL/G's employee about how his business is in financial ruin, and all his employees are looking for new jobs.
Return home, at 2am. On New Years.
Sleep.
Fri: Allowed to sleep until 9am.
Say hello to my new Hangover. Exchange small talk over bacon and eggs. Inform it that it will not be able to diminish my fun due to general situation.
Hangover sulks, and disappears citing a lack of employment opportunities.
Find 12 Jello Shots in my coat pocket. Discard.
Play Civ4 for 2 hours.
Wife committed us to assist in the set up of the wedding hall last evening after a few drinks.
Attempt to argue the basis of informed-consent, and the inability of an inebriated individual to make good educated decisions.
On way to wedding hall. Wife not amused.
Arrive at location of wedding. It's a quonset hut in the middle of 3 square acres of desert, as if somehow adequate parking space was questionable.
Wife and myself enter, met by SILTB/B and 2 others.
Informed that we are the entirety of the setup crew. Wife not amusing. I am not amused.
Put to work unloading 30 folding tables, and 200 folding chairs.
Queried as to the location within the hall for all the chairs, and tables to be arranged. Am told that there is no plan yet.
Likelyhood of my death increased.
Wife voluntells them how chairs are going to be arranged, and tables are going to be laid out. I love her.
BIL/NG arrives with BIL/G to add to our organizational posse.
BIL/G and SILTB/B depart hall. Those of us who travelled more than 1000 miles to be here now outnumber the locals. Nobody is amused.
A throng of people arrive after we have: Setup all chairs, setup all tables, dressed all tables, created all centerpieces, laid out all centerpieces, and taped everything.
Rumors of an inpromtu rehersal circulate. Flee.
Play Civ4 for 4 hours.
Sleep.
Sat: Wedding day.
Wake up at 9am. Ask about time of wedding, informed I have 8 hours to kill before needing to get ready to go.
Play Civ4 for 8 hours.
Returned to the Quonset hut for the wedding.
Bride was 30 minutes late.
Pre-wedding music consists of banjo's.
Counting the tattoos on the bride's wedding party. Stop counting at 20 as it's not even funny anymore.
Once more begin texting my executor the specifics of my will to ensure he has them right.
Bride enters to a familiar song. My mother's wedding song. This could be a bad omen.
Service begins.
Very obvious that the ability to read the english language is NOT a requirement to be able to perform weddings in this state.
Am in the front row. Am sure "minister" can see me laughing at his patheticness.
Likelyhood of my death increased.
Service over.
There is now a police officer in attendance, walking around looking over everyone with his hand on his gun.
Attempt to sit for dinner.
Am moved 3 times by people who care about everyone else even less than I do. Impressive.
Wedding buffet consists of brisket, potato salad, and bud light.
Speech time.
BIL/NG reveals his wedding gift of $200 to settle a bet they made when they were kids. $200 to whoever got married first. He has paid 199.95 in pennies. One nickel.
Maid of honor reveals during the course of her speech that she is not able to read the english language either.
MoH reveals that she does not wish to get married. An audible snicker ripples through the room as she is about 300 pounds past the point of that being a concern.
Cake cutting time.
SIL/B states that her new husband is NOT to cut a piece of cake, and mash it in her face.
Disbelief that she really said that.
Snicker as SIL/B screeches in protest after having cake mashed in her face.
"Dance" begins.
More Bud Light.
Wife demands I dance with her. I decline. Wife steals my cigarettes.
Wife demands I dance with her. I accept. Wife returns my cigarettes.
Am introduced to the "Cupid Shuffle". Oh my fucking god kill me.
Ask my MIL to dance, as now I have to compete to be the best child-in-law.
More Bud Light.
Depart wedding hall, and convoy over to the... "Wild Turkey" "Bar" for post wedding celebrations.
"Bar" closes 20 minutes after we get there, with no reprieve in sight.
Return home. Depressed that this is the sum of the "night life".
Sleep.
Sun: Woke up on my own time, greeted by an optimistic hangover.
Once more inform hangover that it will find no opportunity to cause misery. It sulks off again.
Ask what the general plan for the day is, am told that it is for relaxing.
Play Civ4 for 8 hours.
BIL/G and his friend arrive at 4pm, and accuse me of having mentioned something about wanting to learn how to discharge a firearm while drunk the other night.
I may have remembered saying something about this.
Wife asks to come, but is denied on the basis of her gender. Wife is not amused.
Thrown in the back of a pickup truck (Quad cab, of course.), and driven around to pick up additional personnel, weapons, and ammo.
Watch someone pay $130 for bullets, without batting an eyelash.
Drive out to a farm in the middle of the desert and take inventory of all the assorted weapons.
I fire them all, multiple times. Ending a lifetime policy of pacifism and gun-less-ness.
Almost lose my shoulder to a 10ga shotgun.
Watch in amusement as BIL/G accidentally discharges a revolver into the ground, 2" from his foot.
Laugh at his dumb-assery, until it dawns on me that I'd have to do something about it if he did.
Accost him on two fronts.
Finish firing off $130 worth of bullets.
Return home.
Wife announces she now has a massive head cold. Wife is not amused.
I picture her head exploding in a shower of mucus and snot on the plane, all over rows of idiotic passengers. I am amused.
Inquire about dinner, and am informed there is none.
Inquire about lunch then, since there had been none of that either, and am informed there is none.
Inquire about a bed-time snack, and am informed there is none.
Aquire dinner, at the cost of angering the MIL. Only due to my level of starvation is this an acceptable exchange.
Play Civ4 for 4 hours.
Sleep.
Mon: Woke up on my own time, greeted by a rebound hangover.
Don't waste the energy talking to it, simply point and it whimpers away.
Play Civ4 for 4 hours.
Pack up, and begin drive to airport.
Wife threatens to fill the truck with her head-cold's remnants. Wife is not amused.
I remember the trip down. I am not amused.
Get lost 3 times trying to get to the airport. Nobody is amused.
Deposited at curb and say goodbye. I did not see a Roadrunner. I am not amused.
Discover we are three hours early for our flight instead of the 2 we had planned. We are not amused.
Wife refuses to eat, or drinking, stating that she would prefer to simply wither away and die than try to sustain her life.
Coax wife to eat. Wife eats. Wife is not amused.
Make a point of going out for a cigarette every 45 minutes, forcing security to re-inspect me every time.
For my own personal amusement, I wear a different shirt each time to see if it's noticed.
It isn't. I am amused.
Wife can't breathe. Wife is not amused.
Wife can't hear. Wife is not amused.
Wife runs out of kleenex. Nobody is amused.
Play Civ4 for 3 hours.
First flight is delayed by 35 minutes. Nobody bothers to tell us. We are not amused.
As we are boarding, I inquire of one of the gentlemen behind the counter as to how long the delay is expected to last. He responds as if I had just insulted the size and girth of his member.
Ignore small-dicked man and board the plane.
Wife still is not able to decompress her ears on descent. Wife is not amused.
Attempt to teach wife how to clear her ears by holding her nose and 'phantom blowing'. Unsuccessful.
Remember small-dicked man and have no guilt over the fact that chair in front of wife is now coated with snot due to her unsuccessful attempts at clearing her ears.
Wife's head does not explode in a comedic shower of pus. I am not amused.
Wife is very, very unhappy with life and her role in it at this time. Wife is very not amused.
Due to delay of first flight, now have 15 minutes to cross from one terminal to the other and board the train.
Regain my subway car surfing mojo.
Wife not so fortunate.
Laugh at wife. Wife not amused.
Wonder if my scrotum will ever repair itself. Wife is amused.
Arrive at gate of connecting flight with it boarding in 5 minutes.
No opportunity to even think about having a cigarette. I AM NOT AMUSED.
Begrudgingly chew the nicorette I had brought for just such an occasion.
Wife's head threatens to explode numerous times, but sadly does not. Wife is not amused.
Note that this pilot crew wishes to do in 2 hours what it took the first crew to do in 3. And they succeed.
Wife still can not decompresses inner ears. Wife is not amused.
Arrive at airport. Dispatch wife to baggage check. Dispatch self to have a cigarette.
Sit on the hood of an airport security police cruiser and have a cigarette. Owner of this car is nowhere in sight. I am amused.
Grab bags and return to van.
Discover that our parking bill was double of what we expected it to be. "Oops"
Note only one new sizable dent in my van's door. Call this a win.
Return home, open door, walk inside.
~~FIN~~