je suis petit, je suis cruel
The perpetual feeling of flattery is still foreign and trippy, but feels empty when I can't say what I feel, be with who I want to be with.. even as friends. I think Jack asked me out on a date. I think I agreed, though that's not a good idea. Last night I met Dan's girl, and she is awesome . I wanted to hide under a giant rock, and almost left, when out of nowhere Osiris walked by and saw me, bought me a drink, timing impeccable. We talked for a long time at the bar. I kept feeling like I was watching a movie of myself, heart scratched and sore, finally finding someone amazing enough to hurl me into the uncertain future with an open heart, and wanting, needing to explore every bit of him, but teased and tempted, finding my ankles & wrists shackled and voice hollow, only my heart and eyes left open to stare from a distance. While I'm feeling exactly this, I'm also accidentally hearing Osiris, saying things, meaningful things, words and ideas that if not for my stubborn and determined heart, could be cutting through. I'm so vaguely aware that I just keep talking, keep listening, keep looking across the bar through 40 other people at Dan, who is looking back at me, I keep remembering, and then Osie grabs the side of my face, my hair, my hand. I like it, and not just for the distraction. I'm so confused.