Decision time
My last day at work was on Friday, and I got a job offer from the *ahem* Demon Hunters on Saturday via a message left on my voicemail. I can’t tell if it’s God looking out for me or testing me. After all I went through to get to this point, I could never have imagined that I’d be having doubts. I told Dad on Saturday night, and he said he was happy I received an offer and that I should take it. That’s what he said. He puts on a good front. I know he dreads being alone like he is almost every day. Really, he’s saying that because I had some choice words with him a couple of weeks ago. I wish I had bit my tongue, but the stress of losing my job with no prospects at the time combined with my already wrestling with this issue caused me to crack. Now we’re both dealing with guilt. Smooth move, Rob. Even without him feeling guilty, I’m sure he doesn’t want to deal with me being a pill for the rest of his life about this issue.
The more I try to sort out the details of each decision, the more I lose focus. The comforting part of this situation is that I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck, and I have a robust rainy day fund. I could live for a year in my current apartment without a job, and with my dad for four years without one. Note: I don’t have a lot of money saved, but I’m exceptional at managing my expenses. Not that I’d expect to go so long without a job. I’m fairly certain I could get one in no more than three months. Specifically, a position has been open at my old university for over a month. If they’re trying to fill this spot even in this economy, it must be fairly secure. Nominally, the money is less, but adjusted for the cost of living, I’d me making a higher salary (although I wouldn’t get any bonuses). However, money isn’t the issue.
The part of me that wants to take the demon hunting position does so for the opportunity to serve my country and taste adventure. That’s the noblest reason I can give. Almost all other reasons revolve around others. There’s also a certain degree a pomp in the position. Years down the road, telling old and new acquaintances my career would be very gratifying. I should emphasize I’d find more pleasure in telling old friends about it. Specifically, I’d like to lord it over every woman whoever jilted me (“Yeah! How do you like me now, Hooch!?!?”). Call it arrogance, pride, glory hunger, or whatever you like, but it’s very compelling nonetheless.
Conversely, I’d feel a lot of shame turning down the position for whatever reason. Yes, turning away from all that to help take care of my injured father isn’t anything to be ashamed of on its own. The thought of telling everyone else why I turned down the purpose, security, money, prestige, and excitement of this other position is unsettling. I doubt any explanation would suffice. Everyone else has been affirming, supportive, and excited for me regarding this opportunity. Those I’ve confided in regarding this dilemma have all said to take the position. My sister and brother said that as well. That’s particularly bothersome. Those two have long been the selfish examples in my family, demanding to walk their own reckless paths on the basis that it was their lives and their lives only, regardless of the agony it put Mom and Dad through. I’d hate to feel like I did the same. Not to mention explaining all this to the recruiter, and knowing this is an opportunity I’m not going to see again.
Bear in mind that this is all compounded by the other option requiring me to move back to my old university. I’d consistently see all the reminders of all my friends who moved away from there to serve in the Peace Corps, start doctorate programs, get married, begin med school, etc. Every year students would graduate serving as that much more of a reminder that everyone else is moving forward while I’m stuck in the past. Granted, such a fear is groundless. We all move forward in our own unique lives, and comparing me to anyone else is senseless. It’s a similar situation to when I left my first college and move back home. I expected to be miserable living at home after being on my own, but the experience actually turned out to be great. Furthermore, plenty of people do either stay or move to that university to have their careers, otherwise it wouldn’t exist. Still, at the moment, the pessimist in me is drowning out the optimist.
I spoke with a lot of people last week, trying to find guidance to my dilemma. I even talked to a couple of counselors. I explained my dilemma of either taking this position and living with the guilt or turning it down and living with the regret. I’ve never noticed this before, but one of the counselors said that I was looking at things through too stark of a contrast. Ultimately, all I can do is make one choice or the other, and I’ll ultimately find peace with whichever choice I make. Ultimately, what I need to do is remove everyone else from the equation. What if no one else’s opinion mattered? What if all I had to do was honor God? In the end, that’s all that really matters, right? Would I be squandering my God given abilities by turning down the offer, or would I be honoring the 5th commandment by doing so?
The more I try to sort out the details of each decision, the more I lose focus. The comforting part of this situation is that I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck, and I have a robust rainy day fund. I could live for a year in my current apartment without a job, and with my dad for four years without one. Note: I don’t have a lot of money saved, but I’m exceptional at managing my expenses. Not that I’d expect to go so long without a job. I’m fairly certain I could get one in no more than three months. Specifically, a position has been open at my old university for over a month. If they’re trying to fill this spot even in this economy, it must be fairly secure. Nominally, the money is less, but adjusted for the cost of living, I’d me making a higher salary (although I wouldn’t get any bonuses). However, money isn’t the issue.
The part of me that wants to take the demon hunting position does so for the opportunity to serve my country and taste adventure. That’s the noblest reason I can give. Almost all other reasons revolve around others. There’s also a certain degree a pomp in the position. Years down the road, telling old and new acquaintances my career would be very gratifying. I should emphasize I’d find more pleasure in telling old friends about it. Specifically, I’d like to lord it over every woman whoever jilted me (“Yeah! How do you like me now, Hooch!?!?”). Call it arrogance, pride, glory hunger, or whatever you like, but it’s very compelling nonetheless.
Conversely, I’d feel a lot of shame turning down the position for whatever reason. Yes, turning away from all that to help take care of my injured father isn’t anything to be ashamed of on its own. The thought of telling everyone else why I turned down the purpose, security, money, prestige, and excitement of this other position is unsettling. I doubt any explanation would suffice. Everyone else has been affirming, supportive, and excited for me regarding this opportunity. Those I’ve confided in regarding this dilemma have all said to take the position. My sister and brother said that as well. That’s particularly bothersome. Those two have long been the selfish examples in my family, demanding to walk their own reckless paths on the basis that it was their lives and their lives only, regardless of the agony it put Mom and Dad through. I’d hate to feel like I did the same. Not to mention explaining all this to the recruiter, and knowing this is an opportunity I’m not going to see again.
Bear in mind that this is all compounded by the other option requiring me to move back to my old university. I’d consistently see all the reminders of all my friends who moved away from there to serve in the Peace Corps, start doctorate programs, get married, begin med school, etc. Every year students would graduate serving as that much more of a reminder that everyone else is moving forward while I’m stuck in the past. Granted, such a fear is groundless. We all move forward in our own unique lives, and comparing me to anyone else is senseless. It’s a similar situation to when I left my first college and move back home. I expected to be miserable living at home after being on my own, but the experience actually turned out to be great. Furthermore, plenty of people do either stay or move to that university to have their careers, otherwise it wouldn’t exist. Still, at the moment, the pessimist in me is drowning out the optimist.
I spoke with a lot of people last week, trying to find guidance to my dilemma. I even talked to a couple of counselors. I explained my dilemma of either taking this position and living with the guilt or turning it down and living with the regret. I’ve never noticed this before, but one of the counselors said that I was looking at things through too stark of a contrast. Ultimately, all I can do is make one choice or the other, and I’ll ultimately find peace with whichever choice I make. Ultimately, what I need to do is remove everyone else from the equation. What if no one else’s opinion mattered? What if all I had to do was honor God? In the end, that’s all that really matters, right? Would I be squandering my God given abilities by turning down the offer, or would I be honoring the 5th commandment by doing so?