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is there even really a point to it?
i guess, the problem is that you never know until it's too late. you stick it out, waiting and hoping, crossing your fingers that it will all get better, and maybe it never will. maybe they'll bury you and your fingers will still be crossed. but then again, maybe everything will work out. and maybe things will finally go as you wished. are you really ready to give in now, and stop fighting, and lose all hope, when something better could be around the corner?
some days there is so much pain. the mere act of getting out of bed seems masochistic. why bother? it's only going to go downhill. why do that to yourself? why not just sit in bed and cry and avoid dealing? wallowing seems to easy.
and then, every once and a while, there's a day that isn't so bad. august 10, 2002. july 26, 2003. october 18, 2004. so few that you can remember the date exactly. you remember what you were wearing, and everything that was said. the music playing in the background. the whole day is cemented in your memory.
that's the funny thing. i don't remember the days i cried, the days i thought the world would be better off without me, the days i felt like life wasn't worth living...maybe because they were too numerous. maybe they all start to blur together. or maybe, those aren't the memories i'm taking with me.
i'm not an optimist. i don't believe that everything works out for everyone. i gave up on disney movies and their happy endings a long time ago. most days, i think nothing will ever work out for me. most days, i just think i'm wasting my time. most days, i figure i should just quit it all. give up and be done with it.
but the weird thing is, i don't. i keep going. and why? because i'm not quite ready to resign myself to the idea that nothing will ever be good. because every once and a while, something good does happen. and then i always think, when it gets really rough, whose to think that i won't have a good day again next year?
and maybe, one day, i'll remember those few days that were really bad, really awful, and it'll be all those good days that are blending together.
maybe not.
but unless i hang in there, i'll never really know.
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