that "OH SHIT" moment is on the way anyday now
friends only since there's discussion of my former employment. still a touchy time.
i quit the programming gig.
after feeling competent and capable as a programmer again... i up and quit. the "OH SHIT! WHAT DID I DO?!" moment hasn't hit me yet. maybe tomorrow it will?
i'm thinking my boss and a couple people might breathe easier. my new boss of 8 months didn't think i had what it took to keep working there. no faith. and maybe he was right about me. the social atmosphere has taken a turn for the dark side. one programmer already left because of malicious rumor-mongering, and likely unfair at that.
if i stay there, THAT would break me. that would be a worse result. i'd be well paid for being under a corporate thumb. i'm out of second chances there. i'm an unpredictable problem employee. that's fair to say. there are migraines and mental disturbances in my world. i don't have a wife, kids, a house, no plants, no pets. so i guess my hobby is to just go crazy for having nothing more to do. i've got more pressing things to deal with even though i added a BIG one today. my head is not in the game anymore. my brain is out of tune. i don't know how to tune a brain, do you?
the badge/keycard feels like a ball and chain. Dad told me about a fellow soldier a month ago. she said that once you lose respect for someone, the relationship is over. the professional relationship is way past honeymoon and into the throes of divorce for me.
it's all kinda like Office Space. but i didn't steal anything. i'm not dating a girl who likes Kung Fu. i don't allow myself to set fires to anything other than cigarettes and the occasional dandelion puff (oh yes - flammable). i like 95% of my former co-workers. so maybe it's not like Office Space. Not like Innerspace either.
i'd be happy swinging a sledgehammer, running a table saw, measuring out where support beams are in a wall (my parent's house has them 16 inches apart), doing just... simple physical work. sweating and building and sweating and building until i'm too tired to think. it's therapeutic for me.
there's been a countless number of times where i'm full with conflicting and competing thoughts and emotions and it gets to a point where i can't keep track of them or contain them. i've actually felt a physical "pop" in my brain when all this descends on me. micro-stroke or something. couldn't tell you, i'm not a neurologist, but that's happened a couple times. it's a weird feeling. having a flood of thoughts and feelings until your brain does a carbonation bubble thing.
thoughts? be nice. don't be nice. tell the truth. lie. wait for the crosswalk sign. jaywalk and run before traffic gets close. stay sober. drink myself under the table (i've actually done that). do the right thing. do the wrong thing. do the gray area thing. keep a secret from a best friend because my loyalty lies with his wife, my best friend. what would Bishop do? what would Jesus do? what would Shiva do? what would Kali do? big shit. little shit. stupid shit. irrelevant shit. how could you even THINK that shit.
i've almost always i've had an instinct for the way my life should go and what i should do. a subtle "push" in the right direction through all the turbulence. similar to a conscience, i guess. i don't hear that guiding voice anymore. it's gone, at least the intense "knowing" what to do is gone. i think it's still with me on occasion and silently guiding me to get treatment and make a happier life for myself and my kin.
no, this isn't a schizo kind of voice. more like a compass. a chalk-line that tells me where to cut the wood, not the kind that marks out a body. i used to have a guide and now i don't. the compass has an exceptional case of vertigo. or maybe it's candy-flipping right now. couldn't say.
i went to this men's retreat a long time ago. in three days you get fed simple foods like fruit and granola, external sleep control, pushed beyond your comfort zone, pee in broad daylight, and do a lot of personal development shit. they use military-style lightweight brainwashing tactics to shake you up. kid you not. i read up on training for the Marines.
it helped for a while. it was for a noble cause.
i chose Eris. discord. i shouldn't be surprised that my life had turned out like this. maybe She (or the belief in her) is why i never had a good answer for what my life's calling is. the compass is always spinning like crazy.
one thing they ask you is to think of what your calling in life is. your life's work. what you NEED to do. what you're MEANT to do if you have a God/Goddess. "have a purpose" is what they tell you. best i could come up with is teaching children how to use and program a computer. i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up. whatever it is, i don't think "programmer" is the final answer. especially if i'm going to be boxed in by bug fixes and i don't get to do new development. time for a career change? yep. at least i didn't buy a mid-life Ford Mustang. what a stylish, overdone, pointless piece of Viagra.
i know that i want to help people, so something like volunteer work would be good for me. i know i want to build things that last, my Dad's idea of fixing up and selling livable houses is appealing (but not a viable career). i love working with my hands so that means being a professional chef, carpenter, metalworker, bartender, rock star drummer, RPG slinger... i don't know yet.
i need something where i can be productive, creative, and physically touch (or taste or smell or hear) the result of my labors.
got ideas beyond mine?
i quit the programming gig.
after feeling competent and capable as a programmer again... i up and quit. the "OH SHIT! WHAT DID I DO?!" moment hasn't hit me yet. maybe tomorrow it will?
i'm thinking my boss and a couple people might breathe easier. my new boss of 8 months didn't think i had what it took to keep working there. no faith. and maybe he was right about me. the social atmosphere has taken a turn for the dark side. one programmer already left because of malicious rumor-mongering, and likely unfair at that.
if i stay there, THAT would break me. that would be a worse result. i'd be well paid for being under a corporate thumb. i'm out of second chances there. i'm an unpredictable problem employee. that's fair to say. there are migraines and mental disturbances in my world. i don't have a wife, kids, a house, no plants, no pets. so i guess my hobby is to just go crazy for having nothing more to do. i've got more pressing things to deal with even though i added a BIG one today. my head is not in the game anymore. my brain is out of tune. i don't know how to tune a brain, do you?
the badge/keycard feels like a ball and chain. Dad told me about a fellow soldier a month ago. she said that once you lose respect for someone, the relationship is over. the professional relationship is way past honeymoon and into the throes of divorce for me.
it's all kinda like Office Space. but i didn't steal anything. i'm not dating a girl who likes Kung Fu. i don't allow myself to set fires to anything other than cigarettes and the occasional dandelion puff (oh yes - flammable). i like 95% of my former co-workers. so maybe it's not like Office Space. Not like Innerspace either.
i'd be happy swinging a sledgehammer, running a table saw, measuring out where support beams are in a wall (my parent's house has them 16 inches apart), doing just... simple physical work. sweating and building and sweating and building until i'm too tired to think. it's therapeutic for me.
there's been a countless number of times where i'm full with conflicting and competing thoughts and emotions and it gets to a point where i can't keep track of them or contain them. i've actually felt a physical "pop" in my brain when all this descends on me. micro-stroke or something. couldn't tell you, i'm not a neurologist, but that's happened a couple times. it's a weird feeling. having a flood of thoughts and feelings until your brain does a carbonation bubble thing.
thoughts? be nice. don't be nice. tell the truth. lie. wait for the crosswalk sign. jaywalk and run before traffic gets close. stay sober. drink myself under the table (i've actually done that). do the right thing. do the wrong thing. do the gray area thing. keep a secret from a best friend because my loyalty lies with his wife, my best friend. what would Bishop do? what would Jesus do? what would Shiva do? what would Kali do? big shit. little shit. stupid shit. irrelevant shit. how could you even THINK that shit.
i've almost always i've had an instinct for the way my life should go and what i should do. a subtle "push" in the right direction through all the turbulence. similar to a conscience, i guess. i don't hear that guiding voice anymore. it's gone, at least the intense "knowing" what to do is gone. i think it's still with me on occasion and silently guiding me to get treatment and make a happier life for myself and my kin.
no, this isn't a schizo kind of voice. more like a compass. a chalk-line that tells me where to cut the wood, not the kind that marks out a body. i used to have a guide and now i don't. the compass has an exceptional case of vertigo. or maybe it's candy-flipping right now. couldn't say.
i went to this men's retreat a long time ago. in three days you get fed simple foods like fruit and granola, external sleep control, pushed beyond your comfort zone, pee in broad daylight, and do a lot of personal development shit. they use military-style lightweight brainwashing tactics to shake you up. kid you not. i read up on training for the Marines.
it helped for a while. it was for a noble cause.
i chose Eris. discord. i shouldn't be surprised that my life had turned out like this. maybe She (or the belief in her) is why i never had a good answer for what my life's calling is. the compass is always spinning like crazy.
one thing they ask you is to think of what your calling in life is. your life's work. what you NEED to do. what you're MEANT to do if you have a God/Goddess. "have a purpose" is what they tell you. best i could come up with is teaching children how to use and program a computer. i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up. whatever it is, i don't think "programmer" is the final answer. especially if i'm going to be boxed in by bug fixes and i don't get to do new development. time for a career change? yep. at least i didn't buy a mid-life Ford Mustang. what a stylish, overdone, pointless piece of Viagra.
i know that i want to help people, so something like volunteer work would be good for me. i know i want to build things that last, my Dad's idea of fixing up and selling livable houses is appealing (but not a viable career). i love working with my hands so that means being a professional chef, carpenter, metalworker, bartender, rock star drummer, RPG slinger... i don't know yet.
i need something where i can be productive, creative, and physically touch (or taste or smell or hear) the result of my labors.
got ideas beyond mine?