Comes in Waves
I don't believe there is ever a right time to lose a parent; it doesn't matter if you are twenty or sixty - the pain is indescribable. It's been one week since shes passed and I have been hit my pretty much every emotion one could possibly feel. I have felt anger, depressed, happy, loved, considered, deluded, restless, alienated, introverted, reclusive, social; but most of all, sad. The grief hits like an ocean wave. It is difficult to describe, but the best way I can put it is: it's unexpected, one moment you will be feeling one way; then next you're overcome by grief.
Grief is different for everyone. My brother is handling it completely different than I, choosing to be surrounded by his friends and having a good time. It helps to keep busy - for the both of us. This past week I have chose to stay with family. Michelle and Bill have been spending almost every day with me - or at least checking in on me. We all feel the grief, but are all handling it differently. I wish my mother had not been so stubbourn and at least allowed Bill and Michelle to have known she was sick - but there was no reasoning with her. She was the type of person that when she made a decision - she stuck to it; at least until the otherside gave in. Some may call it unreasonable, but that was part of her - just as much as her loving and caring nature was.
Last week was a blur. My last entry was the day the medical supply rental company came to collect all the equipment. It was hard to see the room so broken. I had gotten use to that hospital bed and awkward arrangement of furniture. The next day, Andrew had some of his friends over and were drinking and swimming in the pool. They offered for me to join them, but I wasn't in the mood for drinking. I tried to just enjoy myself in the pool, but was constantly reminded of my mother. I dried off and went inside and just sobbed in my mother's room. I picked myself up and decided to put everything back the way it was - before she was in hospice care. I moved everything back in order, and anything I wasn't sure about keeping or throwing away just tossed in the bathroom. It was difficult enough to rearrange everything - yet alone decide what I was going to do with the blanket she died in. She told me a story about that blanket. She said she used to always get so nervous - over everything - and at night found comfort in just making holes by circling her finger. I find myself with a memory and attachment to almost everything I see in the house, maybe i'm being too sentimental. I know I cannot bring myself to clearing out her closet yet - hopefully in time I will have the stength and level headedness to do so.
I have been very appreciative of family in this time. Without them - I really don't know how I would have gotten through this week. Michelle and Bill have been both very caring and urge me to meet them. I have been over Bill's a couple of the nights and being together feels better. Michelle came over one night and cooked a proper dinner for me. I let her know about this blog, as well as a few others. She read through it and was happy that I had been writing in it and shared it with her. It was nice having a woman's perspective on everything pertaining to you and brought some much needed insight. The others say they feel comfort, sadness, or just interest from reading it. I hope some good may come from these thoughts I leave here - wether it be comfort, understanding, or any other feeling/emotion you may feel from these words.
I need to figure everything out. I'm going to Japan for a couple of weeks in August. I know staying busy helps and I am trying my best to do so, but social enviornments are not exactly somewhere I desire to be at the moment. I know my mother would want me to be happy, but it's too soon in the grieving process to find some light. My good friend Scott shared some really encouraging words:
"...Nothing can be said or done to fully fill the void that will remain with you from now. But allow that void to show you the positives in life and surround yourself in that as much as possible. She would want you to continue on in happiness, nothing but it. Remember the person she raised you to be and be a great person in her honor. She is and always will be with you in your mind and heart to guide you. Even as time passes, never forget it. Once again, you are in my thoughts. Try to stay strong."
When the time is right, I will be able to move on with my life. I have been in this routine for far too long and need to find what I need. Hopefully these waves of grief become a little less burdensome...
Grief is different for everyone. My brother is handling it completely different than I, choosing to be surrounded by his friends and having a good time. It helps to keep busy - for the both of us. This past week I have chose to stay with family. Michelle and Bill have been spending almost every day with me - or at least checking in on me. We all feel the grief, but are all handling it differently. I wish my mother had not been so stubbourn and at least allowed Bill and Michelle to have known she was sick - but there was no reasoning with her. She was the type of person that when she made a decision - she stuck to it; at least until the otherside gave in. Some may call it unreasonable, but that was part of her - just as much as her loving and caring nature was.
Last week was a blur. My last entry was the day the medical supply rental company came to collect all the equipment. It was hard to see the room so broken. I had gotten use to that hospital bed and awkward arrangement of furniture. The next day, Andrew had some of his friends over and were drinking and swimming in the pool. They offered for me to join them, but I wasn't in the mood for drinking. I tried to just enjoy myself in the pool, but was constantly reminded of my mother. I dried off and went inside and just sobbed in my mother's room. I picked myself up and decided to put everything back the way it was - before she was in hospice care. I moved everything back in order, and anything I wasn't sure about keeping or throwing away just tossed in the bathroom. It was difficult enough to rearrange everything - yet alone decide what I was going to do with the blanket she died in. She told me a story about that blanket. She said she used to always get so nervous - over everything - and at night found comfort in just making holes by circling her finger. I find myself with a memory and attachment to almost everything I see in the house, maybe i'm being too sentimental. I know I cannot bring myself to clearing out her closet yet - hopefully in time I will have the stength and level headedness to do so.
I have been very appreciative of family in this time. Without them - I really don't know how I would have gotten through this week. Michelle and Bill have been both very caring and urge me to meet them. I have been over Bill's a couple of the nights and being together feels better. Michelle came over one night and cooked a proper dinner for me. I let her know about this blog, as well as a few others. She read through it and was happy that I had been writing in it and shared it with her. It was nice having a woman's perspective on everything pertaining to you and brought some much needed insight. The others say they feel comfort, sadness, or just interest from reading it. I hope some good may come from these thoughts I leave here - wether it be comfort, understanding, or any other feeling/emotion you may feel from these words.
I need to figure everything out. I'm going to Japan for a couple of weeks in August. I know staying busy helps and I am trying my best to do so, but social enviornments are not exactly somewhere I desire to be at the moment. I know my mother would want me to be happy, but it's too soon in the grieving process to find some light. My good friend Scott shared some really encouraging words:
"...Nothing can be said or done to fully fill the void that will remain with you from now. But allow that void to show you the positives in life and surround yourself in that as much as possible. She would want you to continue on in happiness, nothing but it. Remember the person she raised you to be and be a great person in her honor. She is and always will be with you in your mind and heart to guide you. Even as time passes, never forget it. Once again, you are in my thoughts. Try to stay strong."
When the time is right, I will be able to move on with my life. I have been in this routine for far too long and need to find what I need. Hopefully these waves of grief become a little less burdensome...