Holding On
I cannot believe my mother is still here. She has not eaten for 14 days nor drank anything for 8. She has been in a coma for the last week. I am still talking to her and trying to spend as much time as I can near her, but to be honest it has become quite depressing. I try to make sure she is comfortable and have been making flower arrangements from our garden. I know that when she was awake she use to appreciate it. I sill keep them nice, just in case she opens her eyes.
In times of great peril in your life, you really start to learn who is truly there for you. I have been both surprised and disappointed. I am surprised by who actually cares and checks in regularly to see how I am doing. I can really disappointed that many, whom I considered to be good friends, have not given a lot of thought or consideration about what I am going through. I know it sounds selfish and that everyone has their own life, but everyone can take an hour out of a whole week just to talk... which helps me greatly.
Recently, I have been contemplating what lies after death. In a strange way their are many coincidental chance events that link two separate beings. Don't get me wrong, I do not question anything that has been scientifically proven. However, at the same time, there are so many mysteries that are yet to be solved. I consider myself spiritual, but not very religious. I do believe there is something beyond life that one experiences. No one will ever be able to prove what religion has it right, or if any are for that matter. I do believe in some sort of higher power and a sort of balance that is naturally occurring in our universe - something that links us to one another and to the universe as a whole.
I've been so tired, but have not been sleeping well. I probably should not being doing this, but sometimes take my mother's pain medication and anti anxiety just to numb myself to sleep. I sleep in a the same room as my mother, and check on her frequently throughout the night. I could not even count how many times I thought she had passed from her chest literally not moving for sometimes up to thirty seconds. Her body is giving out, but her soul is still in there. I talk to her about heaven in the Catholic sense because that's what she believes in. I have been trying to ease her worries and to encourage her to let go. I often break down in tears from talking with her and have to excuse myself to recollect. I don't want her to see me weak. After talking about it so much, the idea of heaven is something that I really hope exists. I have made my fair number of mistakes, or sins, but believe overall the good far outweighs the bad. If heaven is real, I do hope to join her there someday...
In times of great peril in your life, you really start to learn who is truly there for you. I have been both surprised and disappointed. I am surprised by who actually cares and checks in regularly to see how I am doing. I can really disappointed that many, whom I considered to be good friends, have not given a lot of thought or consideration about what I am going through. I know it sounds selfish and that everyone has their own life, but everyone can take an hour out of a whole week just to talk... which helps me greatly.
Recently, I have been contemplating what lies after death. In a strange way their are many coincidental chance events that link two separate beings. Don't get me wrong, I do not question anything that has been scientifically proven. However, at the same time, there are so many mysteries that are yet to be solved. I consider myself spiritual, but not very religious. I do believe there is something beyond life that one experiences. No one will ever be able to prove what religion has it right, or if any are for that matter. I do believe in some sort of higher power and a sort of balance that is naturally occurring in our universe - something that links us to one another and to the universe as a whole.
I've been so tired, but have not been sleeping well. I probably should not being doing this, but sometimes take my mother's pain medication and anti anxiety just to numb myself to sleep. I sleep in a the same room as my mother, and check on her frequently throughout the night. I could not even count how many times I thought she had passed from her chest literally not moving for sometimes up to thirty seconds. Her body is giving out, but her soul is still in there. I talk to her about heaven in the Catholic sense because that's what she believes in. I have been trying to ease her worries and to encourage her to let go. I often break down in tears from talking with her and have to excuse myself to recollect. I don't want her to see me weak. After talking about it so much, the idea of heaven is something that I really hope exists. I have made my fair number of mistakes, or sins, but believe overall the good far outweighs the bad. If heaven is real, I do hope to join her there someday...
