Birthdays Forgotten
March is always a strange month for me. Lately it seems my life has been very death-centric. A lot has happened since I last posted here. Shortly after going to the doctors things drastically took a turn for the worse with my mother.
About a week after visiting the doctor, she noticed a lump in her neck. Sure enough I felt it and was a lump the size of a half dollar and hard as a rock. We decided to call her oncologist to see if he wanted her to come in. He said that this was to be expected with the disease progression and that it wasn't necessary for her to make the trip. The following week, on February 25th, we noticed another lump. This time it appeared to be the size of half a golf ball near her right collar bone. Since the doctor said it was expected the last time, we didn't do anything. She complained that it was extremely painful for the next couple days. We upped her pain medicine intake and I frequently rubbed Tiger balm on the area, but unfortunately she did not get any relief.
On the morning of February 27th she fell. It was really scary as she could not get her up. It was impossible for me to lift her. I ended up taking the mattress off her bed so she could use the box spring for support as I helped her as best as possible. It's easy to tell the pain level my mother is experiencing as she does not have a very good poker face. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worse pain, I would say she was at an 11. We got her up and she said she needed a doctor. I called her oncologist, but since it was Saturday, and got routed to the hospital operator. He took the information and forwarded it to the oncologist on all call, who called me back within 2 minutes. She suggested my mother visit the ER. It was a struggle to get my mother to agree to going to the ER. She worried about being admitted and having to stay in the hospital for an extended period of time. She has already made it clear that she would like to spend the rest of her days in the comforts of her own home. At the ER, we find some surprising news. She broke her collar bone! The break was a pathological fracture due to the cancer. They sent her home with a generic sling and a RX for pain medication.
The next few days were very difficult. The sling did not do a lot and the pain medication was worse than the pain medication she was taking for the cancer! First thing Monday, I spoke with her oncologist and family physician, just to keep them in the loop. Her oncologist wrote out a RX for Fentanyl patches to take in addition to her existing pain medication. Her family physician recommended a orthopedic surgeon and filled out a request for a hospital bed for the home. It wouldn't all happen at once. We did get the Fentanyl patches that day, the orthopedic surgeon was Thursday, but the bed was a longer process. The time up to Thursday could not come soon enough. It seemed like she got worse everyday. I honestly thought she was on her death bed with how she appeared. Once we got to Thursday, her comfort and spirits seemed to go up. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but she received a figure 8 brace and started chemotherapy. I'm hopeful that she will not have to suffer anymore. It's so hard to see her in this condition...
My birthday was this past Tuesday. I was hoping for a message from you, but was not expecting it. I sent you one on your last birthday, but you did not reply. To be honest, it hurt seeing you wish Yule a happy birthday every year and not so much as to respond to most of my messages. I remember one year you even posted a picture of you out to dinner on my birthday without saying anything to me. It hurt. I can't forget October 13th even if I wanted to...
Sophia Ngo's birthday is March 13th so I usually think of her around this time. I never shared this with anyone, but the night she died I had a dream about her. I was in Japan and Mike C broke the news through a Facebook message. I was pretty devastated and actually broke down. It was the first time I had ever loss anyone.
I don't dream often. I believe that's why when I do, it leaves an imprint - almost like a real memory would. I can remember this dream clear as can be. It was night, Sophia and I were on the beach, just sitting in the sand while the watching waves come in. I don't remember anything being said, just being there watching the waves come crashing onto the beach together. With the rising tide each wave would come closer and closer to us. Eventually the waves were on top of us and we were in the water. In a moments flash, I was stuck on the beach as Sophia was being pulled further and further out to sea. I remember trying to swim out to her, but physically some force held me from reaching her. She was not struggling and seemed so at peace. Eventually I could not see her and woke up. Call it what you will, but I believe that it was her saying goodbye...
About a week after visiting the doctor, she noticed a lump in her neck. Sure enough I felt it and was a lump the size of a half dollar and hard as a rock. We decided to call her oncologist to see if he wanted her to come in. He said that this was to be expected with the disease progression and that it wasn't necessary for her to make the trip. The following week, on February 25th, we noticed another lump. This time it appeared to be the size of half a golf ball near her right collar bone. Since the doctor said it was expected the last time, we didn't do anything. She complained that it was extremely painful for the next couple days. We upped her pain medicine intake and I frequently rubbed Tiger balm on the area, but unfortunately she did not get any relief.
On the morning of February 27th she fell. It was really scary as she could not get her up. It was impossible for me to lift her. I ended up taking the mattress off her bed so she could use the box spring for support as I helped her as best as possible. It's easy to tell the pain level my mother is experiencing as she does not have a very good poker face. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worse pain, I would say she was at an 11. We got her up and she said she needed a doctor. I called her oncologist, but since it was Saturday, and got routed to the hospital operator. He took the information and forwarded it to the oncologist on all call, who called me back within 2 minutes. She suggested my mother visit the ER. It was a struggle to get my mother to agree to going to the ER. She worried about being admitted and having to stay in the hospital for an extended period of time. She has already made it clear that she would like to spend the rest of her days in the comforts of her own home. At the ER, we find some surprising news. She broke her collar bone! The break was a pathological fracture due to the cancer. They sent her home with a generic sling and a RX for pain medication.
The next few days were very difficult. The sling did not do a lot and the pain medication was worse than the pain medication she was taking for the cancer! First thing Monday, I spoke with her oncologist and family physician, just to keep them in the loop. Her oncologist wrote out a RX for Fentanyl patches to take in addition to her existing pain medication. Her family physician recommended a orthopedic surgeon and filled out a request for a hospital bed for the home. It wouldn't all happen at once. We did get the Fentanyl patches that day, the orthopedic surgeon was Thursday, but the bed was a longer process. The time up to Thursday could not come soon enough. It seemed like she got worse everyday. I honestly thought she was on her death bed with how she appeared. Once we got to Thursday, her comfort and spirits seemed to go up. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but she received a figure 8 brace and started chemotherapy. I'm hopeful that she will not have to suffer anymore. It's so hard to see her in this condition...
My birthday was this past Tuesday. I was hoping for a message from you, but was not expecting it. I sent you one on your last birthday, but you did not reply. To be honest, it hurt seeing you wish Yule a happy birthday every year and not so much as to respond to most of my messages. I remember one year you even posted a picture of you out to dinner on my birthday without saying anything to me. It hurt. I can't forget October 13th even if I wanted to...
Sophia Ngo's birthday is March 13th so I usually think of her around this time. I never shared this with anyone, but the night she died I had a dream about her. I was in Japan and Mike C broke the news through a Facebook message. I was pretty devastated and actually broke down. It was the first time I had ever loss anyone.
I don't dream often. I believe that's why when I do, it leaves an imprint - almost like a real memory would. I can remember this dream clear as can be. It was night, Sophia and I were on the beach, just sitting in the sand while the watching waves come in. I don't remember anything being said, just being there watching the waves come crashing onto the beach together. With the rising tide each wave would come closer and closer to us. Eventually the waves were on top of us and we were in the water. In a moments flash, I was stuck on the beach as Sophia was being pulled further and further out to sea. I remember trying to swim out to her, but physically some force held me from reaching her. She was not struggling and seemed so at peace. Eventually I could not see her and woke up. Call it what you will, but I believe that it was her saying goodbye...