(no subject)
someone stop this from hurting so much...Im trying and trying and at times I think I have succeeded to get "him" out of my mind..... and im only hurting myself more, because I'll break down crying for no apparent reason...I still think of him alot...miss him more than words could ever express.... love him...I just wish I could talk to him...even just as friends..having him completely out of my life is more devastating to me than the break-up itself I think... I will always love him..I knopw I'll never have him back, but if we were friends, atleast I could talk to him...see how he is,what he's been up too,everyday stuff....last night I asked ben if he thought we would be better off friends..I think we would...he's too controlling...violent...angry..and well he's not even close to the dullest light bulb of the bunch...you know when I was dating "him" I always said I think I would die if we ever broke up.....I guess those weren't just words...I think in a way I did...I feel so empty and shattered still...longing..wanting...needing...nights when im home alone, I'll lay on my bed and just start crying, finding myself stupidly shouting out "im sorry"....no matter how many times I could say it, it will never be understood, because I hav pushed it to that point, where sayign sorry just isnt good enough, to the point where nothign I say or do is good enough, I honestly have no idea if he even still reads this crap, probably not, as i've said before, im probly just a bad memory to him...so I guess in the spirit of thing and maybe get soem thing off my concience...I think if I were to write a letter to "him: ...here is what it would say...
hmm....started typing and I felt like a dumbass, what would I say? what COULD i say? tell him I love him? tell him I miss him? tell him how sorry I am that I did those things to him? that I lied? that im a terrible person?? that I still think of him? that I still cry and hurt as if it happened yesterday? no...I couldnt say any of those things.... I think saying it to myself is one thing...saying it to him, I know would be disaster ... I know exacly what the jist of his thoughts would be...."too bad" or somethign along those lines, so I know anything I say isnt worth a damn to him..
on another note.....
I dyed my hair...its now red and black.... work is ok....ben and I are where we always are.... going to school this thursday... yep...life moves forward, but I stay behind...as always.
hmm....started typing and I felt like a dumbass, what would I say? what COULD i say? tell him I love him? tell him I miss him? tell him how sorry I am that I did those things to him? that I lied? that im a terrible person?? that I still think of him? that I still cry and hurt as if it happened yesterday? no...I couldnt say any of those things.... I think saying it to myself is one thing...saying it to him, I know would be disaster ... I know exacly what the jist of his thoughts would be...."too bad" or somethign along those lines, so I know anything I say isnt worth a damn to him..
on another note.....
I dyed my hair...its now red and black.... work is ok....ben and I are where we always are.... going to school this thursday... yep...life moves forward, but I stay behind...as always.