(no subject)
sooooo.....yeah........alot of shit has been happening and yet...nothing at all......lol........I was going through my mail today, seeing what I could delete and my computer illiterate ass finally found a way I could just look at all the pictures without going through all the emails alittle button called "my pictures" lol ....so anyway....was looking through all the pictures I still have of bobby.....including little movie "flix" ...heh.... so duh...started crying...as far as I hear...bobby and jenn are still happy together...woo-hoo.... so where does that leave me??? stuck in a dead end relationship still crying and pining over a lost love...my only love....I dont think anyone will ever understand how much I truly do love bobby and how much I miss him ..... god...I do miss him...I even told my mom today that I would choose bobby over ben any day......and I would.....I think I would give up my life just to hold him one last time.......he himself will never understand how much I love him. does it matter though? do I love ben? yeah.....in a way I do.... just not anywhere near how much I love bobby..... but I guess he could say the same about him and his wife.....yes...his wife.... he asks me if I truly do love him....and I say yes....because I do....I care alot about ben........question that plagues me.....do I love him like I love bobby...is it possible to love 2 people at once to truly love 2 people at once? ...no....I dont think it is...... wich is why I know I love bobby......I know bobby will never come back to me...will never love me again..... so why do I keep puttign myself in a compromising position with other guys, still crying over a guy who will never love me........ it doesnt make sense to me I just cant get over it...its been 5 months now..... and I still hut as much as I di from day 1....now is crying over bobby....worth losing someone else?? why would I put myself in a position of losing someone who claims to love me, for someone who claims to not love me at all........can you find the logic in that? I sure as hell cant......I guess a part of me will never lose hope of having bobby back...but the majority of me....knows the truth....knows he will never coem back...so again...im stuck trying to decide wether crying and hurtign over someone who doesnt love me is worth losing someone who claims he does........its a seriouse problem im having...... I feel like im waiting for bobby to come back...waiting for thgat email, waitign for that knock at the door...waiting.....for somethign I know will newver happen....so why do I put myself through this pain...why do I risk losing someone for someone who couldnt care less..... I love bobby....I always will...no matter what anyone says......no matter what happens in my life...I will ALWAYS think of bobby as my soulmate.....my one and only....my preciouse baby..... but whats a girl to do??....im so fucking confused.....I wish I knew what to do or what to say..... to bobby....or to ben.... I feel like im leading ben on..... when all I truly want is bobby......wich is completely pointless because bobby doesnt love me....or atleast he says he doesnt.... SO AGAIN!!! what is more important to me....a guy who claims to love me...or a a guy who claims to not love me....seems like a simple choice huh?? oh how I wish it was........ grr.....I just want a sighn...something to tell me what to do....my heart says bobby...fuck....everything in me says bobby....but the logic and reasoning say ben......fuck fuck fuck..... this is so pointless...this whole fucking thign is.....I swear.....my heart says bobby......society says ben....... I know I will never have bobby back...so...what the fuck is my problem huh???? fuck fuck fuck........... no...its not just my heart...my soul says bobby..... 5 fucking months and I cant fucking get past it I cant settle for a life without him, I cant stop loving hjim, I cant move on properly...... its like crying over a dead pet.... you wish they were there, you know they arent coming back, so you try to fill the void witrh another one, at time you feel like its ok.....but you know your just masking the pain inside..... .I guess nothing I say matters huh? nothing.....I guess thats it...this is the battle I've been fighting for months now..... and it will never end...... fuck it.