(no subject)
so yea, shit just gets worse by the hour I swear. I'm tired of this..of my life...the way things always turn out, no matter how much I try I can never seem to be happy. I ruin everything, I guess thats what I do best, is fuck shit up. the only person I ever truly loved, and I pushed him away because thats who I am, thats what I do, I am a fuck up and I deserve everything I get. so whatever im sick and tired of trying. I have come to the conclusion that I do believe in love, I just dont believe in happy endings. I never will get my happy ending you know why? because I know what would make me happy, and its the only thing I know I can never have. So fuck it, whats the point in this anymore. I cant even fucking tell you what this all has done to me emotionally, im fucking in shambles here, fuck falling apart, I already have, and now I cant fuckign get back together. I hate myself for what I've done, and for what I've lost. I have no faith anymore in anyone. I am nothing, to everyone, no one would care if I died, I honestly believe that, im nothing. im not going to kill myself, but I damn well wish SOMEONE would kill me. I have nothign left, nothign left to fight for, nothing left that I care about. so tell me...why should I care wether or not I live or die. truth be told... I am already dead, I was killed about 2 months ago, but hey, did anyone care to notice, did anyone take my feelings into consideration? no.... I'm the bad guy, and I always be, no matter what I say or do, it will always be turned on me. why? because thats how it goes. thats jsut the order of life for me. if I were actually happy I think the world would stop. all mankind must be on the edge of doomsday when im finally happy... all I ever asked for was to be understood, to be cared about to be loved by someoen for the rest of my life and what did I get for that? lies,broken promises and empty words.... I did my share...but never once did I ever think to destroy the other like they did to me... im a long lost memory to them now....a nothing...a bad memory of a bad year....when in my hewad I cant let go of what was the greatest thing in the world, and now my greatest pain.....no one could possibly understand what I feel...no one even cares to ry....no one cares to help...oh well...just another day I suppose....