lately
its been a long time since ive written...things have been bad, its seems i have only written about the bad times in my last entries. this one isnt any different. im falling back into it again. its like something bad happens, i do something drastic, and then sit on it for a year. im really fuckin down. ive been thinking and dreaming every night of all the things that i want, but scare me. drugs (drugs i miss, and ones that i havent ever done), cutting, suicide...all of it, i cant get away from it. my family has noticed it alot lately, i just tell them im fine. my mom thinks i need help. so does my aunt and cousin...my mom doesnt even live w me, this is all just by how she thinks ive been over the phone. i know its bad, but im scared, i dont want to get put away, but i dont want to lose control again....i need something, i dont know what, but something is missing in my life, and i dont know if i will let it in... is this all my fault, a little childish game to get attention that i cant even control anymore...thats taken on a life of its own?? i lost a friend in the past month..he sexually harassed me, and a bunch of guys that i had just met all protected me...he got his ass beat, but they got me out of there...i was totally shit face drunk when it all happened...but i still feel like it was my fault, i know it was, i shouldnt have drank and gotten a hotel room wit all of them, a bunch of guys....im so fucking stupid. and because of my stupidity, i lost a friend....but i wonder, if not then, would it have happened at another time, a time that i wasnt so drunk and could have protected myself and anyone else from getting hurt and letting the problem go beyond my control? idk, will my life ever change and go in the right direction? i need help i know i do...i miss all my friends....i moved to washington a year ago...i miss having a life, but i wonder, is it any worse a life i was already living? but honestly whats worse, knowing everyone and still feeling miserable and alone, or not knowing anyone and knowing ur alone? if u read this, thanks, i have love for u, jsut for that....