O.O
Wow, no one's posted to this commute since April? Damn...
Anyhow, first ever spork. I've been meaning to put this up for a while now.
Title: The Forbidden Alchemist [[Already I hate it.]]
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4578714/1/The_Forbidden_Alchemist
Author: Yukixshuu [[Yucky-shoe!!]]
Full Name (plus titles, if any): Issabell Grumman
Full Species: Filia of Canonicus Characteristis
Hair Color (include adjectives): raven black [[JUST CALL IT BLACK. Ravens are birds, not colors.]]
Eye Color (include adjectives): dark amber
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Apparently looks like Riza and Roy's love child Oh no I spoiled it!
Special Possessions (if any): N/A
Which Gate It Comes From: The Gate of
Connections To Canon Characters: She's Roy and Riza's daughter. Seriously. I could smell that one from about a mile away.
Special Abilities: She can use alchemy. At 15. Of course, all the children in Amestris seem to be talented in alchemy.
Other Annoying Traits: Improper use of punctuation, failure to create suspense right off the bat, and a disregard for capitalizing people's titles.
Author's Summary: The fuhrer decides to give Roy Mustang a new subordinate. But when she arrives, questions start to pop up about her past, and Roy finds out an important secret that had been kept from him by the very person sworn to protect him.
***
Roy Mustang-The great Flame alchemist [[Don't capitalize 'The'. Capitalize Alchemist. It's part of his title.]]sat in his office scowling, tapping his pen on his desk impatiently. He had just found out earlier this morning that the fuhrer [[Dude, show some respect! He's the leader of the country, at least capitalize his title!]] had assigned him a new subordinate[[SEMICOLON DOES NOT GO HERE.]] without his permission [[Since when does the Fuhrer need permission from his subordinates to do anything?]]and that she was due to report to him any minute.
His constant tapping seemed to annoy his first lieutenant, who had been sitting quietly at her desk patently doing her work. "Sir! I am PMS-ing and completely out of character!" she snapped glancing up from the report she had been reading to give him a look that would have made ice feel cold "If you don't have the patience to sit there quietly and wait, then I suggest you do some work." She said nodding to the large, neatly stacked pile of paper work on the corner of his desk.
Roy looked at the pile and grimaced, wincing at how big it was. He hated paper work[[that's one word, dear]] and would rather sit here and die of boredom. Roy opened his mouth to come up with an excuse of why he should not do his paper work, when a soft knock at the door interrupted them[[SEMICOLON DOESN'T GO HERE, EITHER.]] saving him the trouble.
--
Issabell [[$10 says Suethor reads Twilight.]]stood outside the office, nervously waiting for permission to come in. Her stomach felt like it was in knots, and she thanked god that she had skipped breakfast this morning.
When the order came (muffled slightly by the closed door) for her to enter, she hastily straitened out her uniform, wiped the sweat that had collocated[[... is that even a word? I don't think that's a word.]] on her hands onto her rough blue pants, took a deep breath and opened the office door, quickly stepping inside.
As she entered she heard the several loud gasps[[OSHIT IT'S A SUE!]], which almost sent her running straitstraight out of the room.... Before she glanced up into the onyx eyes of her 'Commanding Officer.'
Roy stared at his new subordinate, feeling the smirk he reserved just for these types of occasions slip right off his face. The room, that was normally noisy;[[Will you leave the poor semicolon alone?]] filled with pens scratching against paper, quiet whispering, and moans of despair about the seeming never ending supply of torment in the form of paperwork, was dead silent. Everyone was staring at her, wondering what in hell was going on.[[Seriously, what the hell is going on? She opened the door. Not that great of an accomplishment, or anything.]]
She had looked extremely apprehensive when she had entered the room a few seconds ago and now it was gone, now that she had met his eyes. The change in her was immediate, her back had straitened, shoulders went back, chest puffed out, and her chin went up. Her expression of nervousness, and anxiety changed to that of unmovable determination. [[Now you're abusing the comma? What did the poor comma ever do to you?]]
But it wasn't the sudden change of confidence that had Roy stunned. [[Not that it should have even stunned him in the first place...]]It was her appearance that had taken the breath away of everyone in the room. It wasn't because she was beautiful (although she was). It was her remarkable similarity in appearance to both him and Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye... [[GEE, I WONDER WHY. DERP.]]
Her dark amber eyes, so much like First Lieutenant's [[Riza had red eyes. Try again.]]flashed, as she walked up to his desk, snapped into a brisk salute. The motion caused a piece of long raven black hair to fall into her face. She ignored it, as she stood at attention, waiting for him to address her.
--
Issabell tightly griped about the rough fabric of her pant leg, staring into the face of her commanding officer... and father she had never known. [[Now wait. How the hell does she know about her heritage, when it's obvious Roy and Riza, for the purposes of this story, really don't have a clue?]]
" Issabell... Grumman?" He asked seeming surprised over her last name, because he looked back down at the paper, then glance questioningly at First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. "That's seriously the best name you could give our daughter? Because she's obviously our daughter. You're totally not fooling me at all."
He cleared his throat and tried again.
“You are: Issabell Grumman, age 15, certified state alchemist, correct?" he asked reading the details off of the paper, before looking up at her. [[Of course she's only 15. Of course she's already a State Alchemist. OF COURSE.]]
"Yes, Sir." Issabell replied, face as smooth as stone. [[Except for her nose. Those darn things tend to stick out some, rendering the whole stone metaphor rather silly.]]
He looked down at the paper again and frowned. “I dint didn't see your alchemic name listed here.." he said skimming over the paper again before looking back up at Issabell.
“You wouldn't sir... I only just passed the alchemy exam a few days ago. [[OF COURSE.]]The fuhrer hasn't given me a name yet." Issabell explained. [[Title. Capitalize it.]]
"Oh well then..." He started, sounding unsure of what to do next. The girl before him seemed so familiar, and that confused him, because he knew he had never seen her before now. [[Of course.]]
The room elapsed into silence once more, before Lieutenant Hawkeye stood and quietly walked over to were Issabell was standing.
Issabell watched the First Lieutenant salute Colonel Mustang, before turning to her, gun drawn.
“On the behalf of all of us, welcome to the team Major Grumman. Pity that you aren't staying long." Riza said formally, saluting to her, quiet amusement in her amber red eyes.
Surprised, Issabell backed up, raising her hands to stop her from advancing on her with a gun.
"Ohh no Mo-... Ma'am, [[Freudian slip there. Nothing to worry about. Not like it's now PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that this is the offspring of Roy and Riza.]]Even though I am a certified state alchemist and should have the rank equivalent to a Major, I asked the Fuhrer if I could be ranked as a Second Lieutenant. [[Any particular reason why?]]" Issabell explained, before returning the salute and adding, this time speaking to the room as a whole, "It is truly an honor to be privileged enough to work with you all. Colonel Mustang and his subordinates are well known for their excellence." [[*cough*KISSASS*cough*BROWN-NOSER*cough*]]
Furey, Havoc, Falman, and Brenda blushed embarrassed, while Roy just smirked. [[BRENDA? Who the hell is Brenda? It's Breda!!]]
"Sir." Issabell said turning back to her commanding officer. "I am ready to start on any task you are ready to give to me. If you know what I mean." Suddenly, a radio that had until now been overlooked was turned on, and a sultry saxophone tune filled the room.
Roy laughed "Well, aren’t you a direct little thing. [[THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!]]" He said standing up.
"Lieutenant Hawkeye, please go retrieve some paperwork for Second Lieutenant Grumman to work on."
Hawkeye saluted, before leaving the room to do as she was asked.
He then turned and addressed Issabell. “You, Second Lieutenant will be working there." He pointed at the desk that had been brought in earlier this morning.
"Thank you sir." Issabell said saluting her commanding officer, which Roy returned
"It will be a pleasure working with you, I'm sure." He said "Now...when First Lieutenant Hawkeye returns with your work, be sure to start right away."
"Yes sir." He nodded satisfied before turning, and going back to his desk.
Riza returned shortly after, with a fresh stack of paperwork for Issabell.
"Here you go, Second Lieutenant." She said, handing her the thick vanilla manilla folder containing the work.” These all need to be completed by 1:00 pm today."
She nodded and took the folder, thanking her before placing it in font of her on the desk, going on to work on it immediately.
Issabell finished the last piece of paper work and placed it back in the folder. She sighed and looked up at the clock hanging on the office wall. It was only 11 o'clock, and she had two hours free time.
She had just about to pull a book from her bag instead of turning in the paperwork and asking if there were any more tasks to do, like any good worker would do, when the door to the office slammed open.
Issabell jumped to her feet, and whipped out a silver 9mm pistol from the holster she had at the small of her back and spun towards the door;[[Semicolon?! NOOOO!]] ready to put a bullet into the intruders head because she had never before encountered a door opening in her life.
Edward Elric strolled angrily into the office, his suit of armor for a brother following behind him, cowering. [[If you too are outraged by this sentence's existence, you have my permission to burn down the world.]]
"Brother!" He moaned. "It’s rude to walk in without knocking!"
Edward ignored his brothers complaining, and stomped angrily up to Roy's desk.
"MUSTANG!" He two gloved hands on the desk, causing the wood the wood to crack a little.
Roy smirked. "Now Edward, it that any way to speak to your commanding officer's desk?"... [[Oh, I see now. That was a short joke. Hah. Funny. But seriously, Ed, chill.]]
As the two continued to exchange heated words, Alphonse noticed Issabell, who was still standing, watching the argument with a bemused look on her face. [[Bemused would not be my expression, if this was the first time I had encountered an argument between the two.]]
Issabell noticed Alphonse looking at her, and grinned mischievously, winking and effectively causing Alphonse to blush. [[He's a suit of armor. How the hell can he blush?]]
Everyone (besides the arguing Roy and Edward) watched Issabell with interest, as she purposefully picked an eraser up off her careful aim (So as not to poke out an eye.) [[Wait, what?]]Issabell threw the eraser across the room, hitting Edward directly in the center of the forehead. [[From what I understood, she would have been standing off to the side. I have to give her props for throwing it and having it follow an impossible trajectory to hit him.]]
"What the hell?!" Edward yowled, rubbing the red spot in the center of his forehead, spinning around, looking for the culprit. [[Again, if it hit him in the center of the forehead, that would imply that she was standing in front of him. He wouldn't need to spin around to see her.]]
"Who the hell did tha-" Ed stopped, his eyes widening when he saw Issabell, walking towards him.
"Sorry Mr. Elric, sir." She said saluting him. “I dint didn't see you there."
"You!" Edward said surprised, taking a step back right on the eraser that had hit him in the head just a few seconds previous.
[[NO! Not the poor little eraser!!]]
So, yeah, she leaves on a cliffhanger. Not like I care or anything.
One spork for poor punctuation, one spork for poor capitalization, one spork for OOC Ed, one spork for physics fail, one spork for failing to create suspense about her background, one spork for blushing armor, one spork for using 'dint' instead of 'didn't' TWICE, one spork for the horrid spelling of the name Isabel, and one spork for each of the six chapters that comes after this.
Total: 14.
Overall, though, if executed properly, this has potential. That's a pretty big if, considering how bad it's started out.
Anyhow, first ever spork. I've been meaning to put this up for a while now.
Title: The Forbidden Alchemist [[Already I hate it.]]
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4578714/1/The_Forbidden_Alchemist
Author: Yukixshuu [[Yucky-shoe!!]]
Full Name (plus titles, if any): Issabell Grumman
Full Species: Filia of Canonicus Characteristis
Hair Color (include adjectives): raven black [[JUST CALL IT BLACK. Ravens are birds, not colors.]]
Eye Color (include adjectives): dark amber
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Apparently looks like Riza and Roy's love child Oh no I spoiled it!
Special Possessions (if any): N/A
Which Gate It Comes From: The Gate of
Connections To Canon Characters: She's Roy and Riza's daughter. Seriously. I could smell that one from about a mile away.
Special Abilities: She can use alchemy. At 15. Of course, all the children in Amestris seem to be talented in alchemy.
Other Annoying Traits: Improper use of punctuation, failure to create suspense right off the bat, and a disregard for capitalizing people's titles.
Author's Summary: The fuhrer decides to give Roy Mustang a new subordinate. But when she arrives, questions start to pop up about her past, and Roy finds out an important secret that had been kept from him by the very person sworn to protect him.
***
Roy Mustang-The great Flame alchemist [[Don't capitalize 'The'. Capitalize Alchemist. It's part of his title.]]sat in his office scowling, tapping his pen on his desk impatiently. He had just found out earlier this morning that the fuhrer [[Dude, show some respect! He's the leader of the country, at least capitalize his title!]] had assigned him a new subordinate[[SEMICOLON DOES NOT GO HERE.]] without his permission [[Since when does the Fuhrer need permission from his subordinates to do anything?]]and that she was due to report to him any minute.
His constant tapping seemed to annoy his first lieutenant, who had been sitting quietly at her desk patently doing her work. "Sir! I am PMS-ing and completely out of character!" she snapped glancing up from the report she had been reading to give him a look that would have made ice feel cold "If you don't have the patience to sit there quietly and wait, then I suggest you do some work." She said nodding to the large, neatly stacked pile of paper work on the corner of his desk.
Roy looked at the pile and grimaced, wincing at how big it was. He hated paper work[[that's one word, dear]] and would rather sit here and die of boredom. Roy opened his mouth to come up with an excuse of why he should not do his paper work, when a soft knock at the door interrupted them[[SEMICOLON DOESN'T GO HERE, EITHER.]] saving him the trouble.
--
Issabell [[$10 says Suethor reads Twilight.]]stood outside the office, nervously waiting for permission to come in. Her stomach felt like it was in knots, and she thanked god that she had skipped breakfast this morning.
When the order came (muffled slightly by the closed door) for her to enter, she hastily straitened out her uniform, wiped the sweat that had collocated[[... is that even a word? I don't think that's a word.]] on her hands onto her rough blue pants, took a deep breath and opened the office door, quickly stepping inside.
As she entered she heard the several loud gasps[[OSHIT IT'S A SUE!]], which almost sent her running straitstraight out of the room.... Before she glanced up into the onyx eyes of her 'Commanding Officer.'
Roy stared at his new subordinate, feeling the smirk he reserved just for these types of occasions slip right off his face. The room, that was normally noisy;[[Will you leave the poor semicolon alone?]] filled with pens scratching against paper, quiet whispering, and moans of despair about the seeming never ending supply of torment in the form of paperwork, was dead silent. Everyone was staring at her, wondering what in hell was going on.[[Seriously, what the hell is going on? She opened the door. Not that great of an accomplishment, or anything.]]
She had looked extremely apprehensive when she had entered the room a few seconds ago and now it was gone, now that she had met his eyes. The change in her was immediate, her back had straitened, shoulders went back, chest puffed out, and her chin went up. Her expression of nervousness, and anxiety changed to that of unmovable determination. [[Now you're abusing the comma? What did the poor comma ever do to you?]]
But it wasn't the sudden change of confidence that had Roy stunned. [[Not that it should have even stunned him in the first place...]]It was her appearance that had taken the breath away of everyone in the room. It wasn't because she was beautiful (although she was). It was her remarkable similarity in appearance to both him and Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye... [[GEE, I WONDER WHY. DERP.]]
Her dark amber eyes, so much like First Lieutenant's [[Riza had red eyes. Try again.]]flashed, as she walked up to his desk, snapped into a brisk salute. The motion caused a piece of long raven black hair to fall into her face. She ignored it, as she stood at attention, waiting for him to address her.
--
Issabell tightly griped about the rough fabric of her pant leg, staring into the face of her commanding officer... and father she had never known. [[Now wait. How the hell does she know about her heritage, when it's obvious Roy and Riza, for the purposes of this story, really don't have a clue?]]
" Issabell... Grumman?" He asked seeming surprised over her last name, because he looked back down at the paper, then glance questioningly at First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. "That's seriously the best name you could give our daughter? Because she's obviously our daughter. You're totally not fooling me at all."
He cleared his throat and tried again.
“You are: Issabell Grumman, age 15, certified state alchemist, correct?" he asked reading the details off of the paper, before looking up at her. [[Of course she's only 15. Of course she's already a State Alchemist. OF COURSE.]]
"Yes, Sir." Issabell replied, face as smooth as stone. [[Except for her nose. Those darn things tend to stick out some, rendering the whole stone metaphor rather silly.]]
He looked down at the paper again and frowned. “I dint didn't see your alchemic name listed here.." he said skimming over the paper again before looking back up at Issabell.
“You wouldn't sir... I only just passed the alchemy exam a few days ago. [[OF COURSE.]]The fuhrer hasn't given me a name yet." Issabell explained. [[Title. Capitalize it.]]
"Oh well then..." He started, sounding unsure of what to do next. The girl before him seemed so familiar, and that confused him, because he knew he had never seen her before now. [[Of course.]]
The room elapsed into silence once more, before Lieutenant Hawkeye stood and quietly walked over to were Issabell was standing.
Issabell watched the First Lieutenant salute Colonel Mustang, before turning to her, gun drawn.
“On the behalf of all of us, welcome to the team Major Grumman. Pity that you aren't staying long." Riza said formally, saluting to her, quiet amusement in her amber red eyes.
Surprised, Issabell backed up, raising her hands to stop her from advancing on her with a gun.
"Ohh no Mo-... Ma'am, [[Freudian slip there. Nothing to worry about. Not like it's now PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that this is the offspring of Roy and Riza.]]Even though I am a certified state alchemist and should have the rank equivalent to a Major, I asked the Fuhrer if I could be ranked as a Second Lieutenant. [[Any particular reason why?]]" Issabell explained, before returning the salute and adding, this time speaking to the room as a whole, "It is truly an honor to be privileged enough to work with you all. Colonel Mustang and his subordinates are well known for their excellence." [[*cough*KISSASS*cough*BROWN-NOSER*cough*]]
Furey, Havoc, Falman, and Brenda blushed embarrassed, while Roy just smirked. [[BRENDA? Who the hell is Brenda? It's Breda!!]]
"Sir." Issabell said turning back to her commanding officer. "I am ready to start on any task you are ready to give to me. If you know what I mean." Suddenly, a radio that had until now been overlooked was turned on, and a sultry saxophone tune filled the room.
Roy laughed "Well, aren’t you a direct little thing. [[THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!]]" He said standing up.
"Lieutenant Hawkeye, please go retrieve some paperwork for Second Lieutenant Grumman to work on."
Hawkeye saluted, before leaving the room to do as she was asked.
He then turned and addressed Issabell. “You, Second Lieutenant will be working there." He pointed at the desk that had been brought in earlier this morning.
"Thank you sir." Issabell said saluting her commanding officer, which Roy returned
"It will be a pleasure working with you, I'm sure." He said "Now...when First Lieutenant Hawkeye returns with your work, be sure to start right away."
"Yes sir." He nodded satisfied before turning, and going back to his desk.
Riza returned shortly after, with a fresh stack of paperwork for Issabell.
"Here you go, Second Lieutenant." She said, handing her the thick vanilla manilla folder containing the work.” These all need to be completed by 1:00 pm today."
She nodded and took the folder, thanking her before placing it in font of her on the desk, going on to work on it immediately.
Issabell finished the last piece of paper work and placed it back in the folder. She sighed and looked up at the clock hanging on the office wall. It was only 11 o'clock, and she had two hours free time.
She had just about to pull a book from her bag instead of turning in the paperwork and asking if there were any more tasks to do, like any good worker would do, when the door to the office slammed open.
Issabell jumped to her feet, and whipped out a silver 9mm pistol from the holster she had at the small of her back and spun towards the door;[[Semicolon?! NOOOO!]] ready to put a bullet into the intruders head because she had never before encountered a door opening in her life.
Edward Elric strolled angrily into the office, his suit of armor for a brother following behind him, cowering. [[If you too are outraged by this sentence's existence, you have my permission to burn down the world.]]
"Brother!" He moaned. "It’s rude to walk in without knocking!"
Edward ignored his brothers complaining, and stomped angrily up to Roy's desk.
"MUSTANG!" He two gloved hands on the desk, causing the wood the wood to crack a little.
Roy smirked. "Now Edward, it that any way to speak to your commanding officer's desk?"... [[Oh, I see now. That was a short joke. Hah. Funny. But seriously, Ed, chill.]]
As the two continued to exchange heated words, Alphonse noticed Issabell, who was still standing, watching the argument with a bemused look on her face. [[Bemused would not be my expression, if this was the first time I had encountered an argument between the two.]]
Issabell noticed Alphonse looking at her, and grinned mischievously, winking and effectively causing Alphonse to blush. [[He's a suit of armor. How the hell can he blush?]]
Everyone (besides the arguing Roy and Edward) watched Issabell with interest, as she purposefully picked an eraser up off her careful aim (So as not to poke out an eye.) [[Wait, what?]]Issabell threw the eraser across the room, hitting Edward directly in the center of the forehead. [[From what I understood, she would have been standing off to the side. I have to give her props for throwing it and having it follow an impossible trajectory to hit him.]]
"What the hell?!" Edward yowled, rubbing the red spot in the center of his forehead, spinning around, looking for the culprit. [[Again, if it hit him in the center of the forehead, that would imply that she was standing in front of him. He wouldn't need to spin around to see her.]]
"Who the hell did tha-" Ed stopped, his eyes widening when he saw Issabell, walking towards him.
"Sorry Mr. Elric, sir." She said saluting him. “I dint didn't see you there."
"You!" Edward said surprised, taking a step back right on the eraser that had hit him in the head just a few seconds previous.
[[NO! Not the poor little eraser!!]]
So, yeah, she leaves on a cliffhanger. Not like I care or anything.
One spork for poor punctuation, one spork for poor capitalization, one spork for OOC Ed, one spork for physics fail, one spork for failing to create suspense about her background, one spork for blushing armor, one spork for using 'dint' instead of 'didn't' TWICE, one spork for the horrid spelling of the name Isabel, and one spork for each of the six chapters that comes after this.
Total: 14.
Overall, though, if executed properly, this has potential. That's a pretty big if, considering how bad it's started out.