I come bringing SPORK
Title: Alchemy and Witchcraft (Oh, I think we have a winner here, folks.)
Author: zillanna
Full Name (plus titles, if any): Alyssa Johnson
Full Species: Sueicus Retardicus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark
Eye Color (include adjectives): One green eye, one brown eye.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: n/a
Special Possessions (if any): n/a
Which Gate It Comes From: The Gate of Sues That Are More Important Than The Goddamn Plot
Connections To Canon Characters: Ed has to look for her?
Special Abilities: Witchcraft, in later chapters. I kid you not.
Other Annoying Traits: EXISTING
Rating: One spork for the grammar, one for the Sue, one for the ALL IMPORTANCE of the Sue, another for the fact that they MADE ED AND AL LOOK FOR HER POINTLESSLY. URGH.
The 'witchcraft' comes in later chapters. Stay tuned.
A grown man in a ballerina tutu military uniform knocked on the door of the Flamer Alchemist, he waited calmly and willed his heart to slow down in fear that it may just burst out off his chest. (Like in ALIEN!)
Taking a deep breath and wiping his sweaty hands on his side and shifting his feet side to side.
(Dunno about you guys, but that doesn’t sound like ‘waiting calmly’ to me. :/ )
But he knew that he was not nervous for himself, he was rarely nervous for himself but neverless he entered after (Whoah there, entered what? What’d I miss here?) hearing his voice (Who’s voice?) he entered (Again?) and saluted with as much bravery he can muster without letting his mind wander somewhere else.
(What is going on here?)
"You must be the new Second Lieutenant, DWayne Johnson.
(THE ROCK! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TOO GOOD!)
I'm Colonel Roy Mustang and this is First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye," Roy nodded of to the blonde woman (Ugh, grammar. *facepalm* ‘Of to the blonde woman’? RLY?) who merely nodded, her expression unreadible,
(Riza: I’m bland in this fic.)
"I understand that you'll be working under me."
(*eyebrow quirk*)
(The Rock: Hey, that’s my gig!)
"Yes, that is correct, Sir," Wayne said.
"You can relax now, Second Lieutenant, you seem uptight."
"Sorry, sir, but I think my daughter wandered off somewhere,"
(*flat look* Let me guess. They’ll send Ed to find her.)
he gave an embarrass chuckle. "She kinda followed me in to this building and now she just taking a tour all around."
(Dwayne Johnson: I’ve come for the woman. And your head.)
"No problem. I'll just send Fullmetal-say that this is urgent."
(*punches fanfic* DAMN YOU FOR BEING SO PREDICATBLE)
"Are you sure that's a good idea sir?" Riza asked her voice unemotional.
(What the heck? Aren’t they overemphasizing the whole ‘Riza-Ice-Queen’ bit?)
"He has to if he wants to look for the you-know-what. Riza find and send him in."
(Oh, another ‘Sues are more important than the Philosopher’s Stone’ fic. AWESOME. D:< )
"Yes sir." She left leaving the two alone
(COMMA. OR PERIOD. TAKE YOUR PICK, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY USE SOME KIND OF PUNCTUATION!)
all was quiet until--BANG- the Rock body-slammed Roy!
The office door slammed back to the wall so hard it’s amazing it did not fall in to pieces.
(It was amazing. Not it’s. That is the WRONG TENSE.)
"What now Colonel?" the blonde teenager asked impatiently his voice unpleasant,
(Not to be a grammar nazi, but there should really be a period here.)
there were bangs under his eyes that suggested that he had not had a haircut in some time been sleeping the night before.
(*eyebrow quirk*)
Roy ignored his tone (Because in this fic, he is nothing but a douchebag instrument by which the Sue and Ed will get together. LIKE ALMOST EVERY OTHER EDxSUE FIC EVER.) and said calmly, "Fullmetal, this is Wayne Johnson the ROCK new Second Lieutenant, his daughter wandered of somewhere here at HQ-your task is to search for her."
(Roy: Nevermind that we fetched you probably from across town, where you were doing something important, just to perform this simple task any soldier here could have done in half the time it took us to get you.)
"WHAT?" Fullmetal was thrown off by this.
(Well, he has every right to be.)
He had assumed that it was going to be a new mission or new information about a certain stone, but this task which Mustang deemed 'urgent' and required one of the most famous Alchemist's attention was not military bussiness or even IMPORTANT.
"You heard me go, (Ed happened to be in the next bathroom stall.) if you want to continue your search." Roy turned to Wayne.
(Dwayne Johnson: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?)
"What does she look like?"
"Dark hair like mine, left eye green the other brown."
(Well, at least they don’t change colors or some bullcrap that that.)
he answered wandering if it’s a good idea to send an abusive teenager to good look for her.
(SAY WHAAAAT. Ed is not abusive, Dwayne Johnson!)
"Great, go find her."
"This is why you sent us here?" The blonde teenager started to shout out some colourful words to the colonel.
(Ed: Turquoise! Rose! Vermilion! Scarlet, you burnt sienna bastard! MOTHER-CERULEAN-F*CKING-VIOLET!)
"No, I sent you here," Roy said keeping his cool although he didn't smirk, it was flowing in his voice. (Jeez, Roy is a huge douche in this fic! He’s not like this to Ed all the time, Suethors. He can be downright helpful!)
"Your brother is welcome to help you search, isn't that right, Alphonse?"
A giant suit of armor came into view and politely answered yes and dragged his older brother out.
(Al: I’m benign.)
"Can you believe that bastard?" Ed ranted on for the passed half hour or so. He was up all night doing research and sleep sounded like a prize for him but that was deprived when his superior ordered him with such a worthless task, that he deemed unworthy of his time.(Because it is unworthy of his time. My god!)
"Brother, all we need to do is look for a girl with a green and brown eye-how often do you meet a girl with those eyes? I think its interesting." Al said to calm his brother down.
(Ah yes. Interesting, that’s definitely the word I was looking for. Al is also being used as a device to get Ed and the Sue together.)
"Just because we're looking for a stone doesn't mean we are experts on finding things! She may not even be here, maybe she left!"
(We can only hope.)
"Come on Brother, you shouldn't let the Colonel get under your skin."
(…Bleh…)
That seemed to calm his brother down, "Yeah, you're right."
"I'm always am HOR."
Two hours later. The Elric brothers to decided to head back.
"Sorry, but we couldn't find her-" Al stopped when he noticed a girl in the office sitting on one of the sofas. Her left eye green and the other brown.
(ED: F*CK!)
Ed threw her an annoyed glare that could almost burn through anything, challenging him, she returned it right back without any difficulties.
(Returning what? A look? Ooh, so hard! I guess that makes her ~SPECIAL~!)
She's different-
(UGH NO I AM GETTING TWILIGHT VIBES HELP ME)
whatever I'm still going to give her a piece of my mind! he thought. (Can she just take the bits of my mind that have already leaked from my ears?)
"Congratulations Edward," Roy drawled.
(What, so Roy is a southern gentleman now?)
(Roy: Why yes I am young missy. Y’all.)
(PFFFT COLONEL ROY’S AMESTRIS FRIED CHICKEN)
"It seemed that unlike you she has a very good sense of direction, we've been waiting for you two for a while now."
(GODDAMMIT WHAT? *punches self in face* Why let them wander around pointlessly?! UUUGHHH)
"And you didn't bother to find us?" Ed fumed. (*also fumes* KJGFIudyqgwbduyovblYLifudv?!)
"Well, we all betted on how long it would take you two to return. Who betted one hour?"
(I betted that I’m going to maim this fic in a fit of rage. OH LOOK I WON)
"That was Havoc, sir," Riza replied.
Ed was not able to keep his anger back. "You said that this was urgent!"
"It was," Colonel Mustang said evenly signing a one of his paper work and placing it on the left side of the desk, and taking another from the right. "If one of my subordinate is unable to concentrate because of a personal matter, then they are unable to serve me with the best of their abilities. Espically if this is their first day on the job, don't you agree, Fullmetal?"
(Ed: NO.)
(Ed and Al have plenty of personal matters that distract them! You never see Mustang butting in on those!)
(Roy: I wouldn’t touch their problems with a ten foot pole.)
"That's not the point," Ed was in no mood for any rational explanation, or an irrational one, for that matter.
"Why us? Why did you send us!"
"Once again I did not send the both of you."
"CACTUS Bastard!"
Wayne sighed as Fullmetal continued to justly insult his superior and now wandered if it was a great idea to jion the military.
(Yeah, Ed reaming Mustang over wasting his time is totally why one would reconsider the military as a job option. Not, you know, the war, or the killing, or the chance of death.)
Having enough of this, he turned to address his daughter who was watching the two with amusement.
(*grumble* Little bitch…)
"Alyssa, you know the way out, I think its time for you to go home and stay there."
(Alyssa: Ok Daddy! I’ll just show myself out and wander around some more HUR! :D )
The girl, Alyssa nodded slightly disappointed. "Sorry, for causing you two trouble," she said to the brothers and left.