Prompt 204: Weakness "You're a Headache in a Suitcase"
Title: You’re a Headache in a Suitcase
Author: RaceUlfson
Series: Any
Word Count: 500 plus header
Rating: PG
Characters: Mostly Ed
Summary: The philosophy of being kidnapped
Warnings: Goofiness
It was bad enough that the Fuhrer had a pawky sense of humor and named him “Fullmetal” and Colonel Bastard purred it oh so politely. It didn’t help that he wasn’t allowed to punch so called superior (ha!) officers. Waste of an automail fist if you asked Ed.
But Mustang was quick with the fire snap so maybe it was all for the best.
The bite-in-the-ass was everyone assumed Al was the Fullmetal Alchemist. Because he was all metal, dur, like a State Alchemist would have a shtick like that, like he would need anything to be awesome other than the fact that he was an alchemist.
The pocket watch was pretty cool, though. Why didn’t anyone ever notice the damn pocket watch?
Ed had been bonked on the head and awakened tied to a sturdy, old fashioned chair like an electric chair in the movies. Only instead of electrodes and wires they tied his arms down with rope. Electricity would be bad, god knows what it would do with his metal bits. Well, Winry would know, and she’d tell him, too, in graphic detail. It would probably have an adverse effect on his testicles, at the very least. Ed didn’t want to have more bits of himself come off and particularly not those bits, he was fond of his testicles and hoped to have a use for them someday.
His kidnappers tied Ed like that because they didn’t know what to do about the automail arm. One of them found out the hard way about the automail foot when it had an adverse effect on his testicles. Now Ed’s legs were tied to the chair legs because they didn’t know what else to do about that, either.
For bad guys, they were pretty lame.
“Of course he will come,” the head lamer said. “It’s well known that Fullmetal’s only weakness is his brother. Then we will have him and Mustang must accept our demands.”
Ed shook his head pityingly. He did like the sound of Al being his “only” weakness. A guy has to look out for his little brother, but in all honesty Ed had to admit Al didn’t need much looking after. As for Mustang rushing to the rescue, that was ridiculous. He might muss his hair or miss a date or something. Ed wanted to tell the lamer gang they were wasting everyone’s time, but they hadn’t liked his first bout of advice and now he had a handkerchief stuffed in his mouth.
“Are you sure we’ll be able to capture Fullmetal, Boss?”
“Certainly! He’s even smaller than his brother!”
Ed gave them a worryingly evil golden glare. The crew of kidnapper shifted uncomfortably. The Elric they had fought like a wildcat and they weren’t looking forward to dealing with a pissed off State Alchemist.
Too bad, because the wall collapsed and in the rubble, a seven foot tall suit of armor asked in a tinny, high pitched voice, “What have you dimwits done with Brother?”