I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time

[neverbeenfree]

I finally managed to half carry, half drag the chick without a name all the way back to the hatch to find Shawn. He'd be able to fix her up all good and new no problem, I mean hell he'd done it for me. Twice. Had no clue what he was but I say? No fair. All slayers should come with those automatically. Just some guy to follow you around and patch up

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[neverbeenfree]

They weren't all afraid of me or in love with me. What the fuck? It was called havin' friends and even though I was kind've new to the whole friends thing didn't mean that I didn't get the basic concept. Y'know, the one where they're supposed to have your back and stuff. They were defending me cause that's what friends do, yeah? So what was it? Was she jealous? I really had no clue what to think about her right now at all. It'd just been way too long and it suddenly struck me that I didn't know her very well at all anymore.

I was tryin' to just let her get it all out of her system without sayin' anything. Because I knew she was mad at me for ditching her and I owed it to her to let it out, but I couldn't let her keep threatening everyone around me either. That was just making shit worse. Was she really that blinded by anger? She was my sister, anything was possible. Great.

And then out of nowhere something changed, I dunno like the energy shifted in the air and a crack of thunder jarred me from the inside out as I stared at her and she just...released it all.

Swallowing hard I had to work hard to keep the stoic expression on my face as she started screaming at me. I didn't know how bad it had been with Lena but I couldn't imagine it was anything good. And to think I had thought she was safer with Mom than she was with me. At the time, it'd made sense and now? Now I didn't know. If I went back I'd change it all but would it have been any better? Or would I have dragged her down with me? Would she be dead now?

She really thought I wanted her dead? That I wanted any of this to be like this? I couldn't help it, it hurt and I flinched and for as self-controlled as I was tryin' to be I was never good at being unflappable.

And part of the problem was that I literally had no defense for anything she was saying. I could explain it all to her but it was hard to find the words after that. The worst thing I could do was shut down on her right now but I couldn't help it just a little bit.

"You were better off." I said, struggling to keep my voice even but I was choking on it. On everything. Part of me wanted to scream right back at her cause God I'd taken about as much as I could take from everyone I knew and now I just wanted to push back so badly but wasn't that what she accused me of? Always pushing her away. I wanted to scream that she wasn't my kid, I wasn't her mother and it wasn't my job to protect her from everything, even if I'd taken it on anyway. The other part of me just wanted her to fucking forgive me, cause I knew that I was wrong and that there was nothing I could say to ever make this better. Just tell me how to make it better. Yeah, that never worked.

"I thought you were safer with her than you were with me. At least with her you had a shot of gettin' out alive. You weren't dead to me, ever. I wanted you to stay alive. I'm sorry that it bugs you that I never told anyone about you. I don't know why that's so important to you."

[neverbeenfree]

"It wasn't like that." I started but then reeled myself back in because I wasn't sure how to actually get through to her and with every word she said I wanted to pull back more. Just run back to the beach and find Connor and tell him that the two of us disappearing sounded like the best fucking idea I'd heard in a long time. And so what? Maybe I have a problem, and when things get hard, I run. It doesn't mean I don't care!

She didn't understand and I really didn't know how I could make her understand. Especially now when she was so pissed off at me.

"Fine!" I finally shouted back at her, and God I'd held it back for so long. Too long. I'd needed an outlet for weeks and I hadn't had one. Living like this wasn't something I was really used to, I was tryin' to make it up as I went but it wasn't really workin' out for me. "You're right. I was fifteen years old, Grace. I was just a kid too and maybe I didn't make the right decision and maybe it wasn't totally selfless but if you think I bailed out because I wanted to play superhero you're wrong! I left because I didn't have a choice and I left you behind because I didn't want you to have to deal with the kind've life that chose me. And so I fucked up! I was fifteen. But I'm not your mother, I love you Grace but it wasn't my job to take care of you. I made a judgement call and maybe it was the wrong one but I was doing the best that I could! Things were really bad in Boston and I know that I didn't tell you what was goin' on back then but I had to go."

Which still didn't really help with what she was really upset about. Why didn't I go back? Why did I never look back? I mean, I looked back all the time. I might not have talked about her or my mother but they were never far from my thoughts, ever. And trust me, I had alot of time to think in prison.

"Would you feel better if I'd told everyone about you? It wouldn't change anything. I'm sorry I didn't come back for you, other things got in the way. I shouldn't have let them but I did and I'm fucking sorry, okay? I don't know what you want me to do. There's nothing I can do to change what's happened. I can't go back and make it better."

[neverbeenfree]

I just stood there because there was literally nothing else I could do. I could apologize til I was blue in the face and it would mean nothing to her. Because hadn't she just said it? It wasn't enough, and I never should have thought that it would be. There was nothin' I could say to her that would make it any better, that would help. I'd been standin' in her shoes once upon a time pissed off at the world cause no one gave a crap so how could I really judge her for bein' the same way?

When she turned to walk away I wanted to snag her by her arm again and crush her to me. Tell her that I fucking needed her and that just because I was stupid and walked away once upon a time didn't mean she had to follow my bad example. But I had no right to demand that she stay and I knew it. Besides, maybe I'd been right. Maybe she was better off without me in her life. Life with Mom might have been rough but she had her dad now and her stepmother and her whole other life as some pageant fuckin' beauty queen. Who was I to stand in the way of her normal life? Wasn't that what I'd wanted for her when I'd left? When I'd never gone back?

It didn't make the words any easier to hear, especially now and it wasn't fair to her or me that our reunion happened in the middle of so much other shit. There was too much to process and not enough time to process it all. And yeah, I wasn't made of porcelain far from it but that didn't mean I didn't hurt. Because I did and every word she said to me stabbed me in the heart just a little bit more. The worst part of all was that I deserved every single syllable.

I don't know how long I stood there and stared at the place where she'd just been standin' a minute ago. I'd let her walk away, and somewhere I figured that it was the best thing I could ever do for her. That letting her go, had always been in her own best interest.

But what my interests? Who was supposed to look out for me?

I pushed the sting of hot tears away feeling anger replace the sadness as I stared out over the water. Nothing but more blue for as far as I could see. Was anything even out there?

"Why can't ANYTHING EVER GO MY WAY?!" I screamed out at the ocean.

But all that came back was the tide.