Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this?

[neverbeenfree]

I didn't know what to do.

I guess that's what it all boiled down to, right? And what else would be new? I didn't know what to do, or how to act, or what the right decision was. I always kinda sucked at makin' those kind've calls but it wasn't like I could ask B or Angel to do it for me. I had to make the decision and the stakes were a little too

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[mr_angel]

I left Harry in the jungle and this time he promised he'd stay in one place. This time. He told me that before it had been because of seeing Faith and that he wouldn't wander off by himself again. If I got back this time and found out otherwise I'd.. well, I don't know what I'd do but there'd be something. Mostly it was because I didn't want something to happen to him and let's face it in this jungle things happened. A lot. Like being darted and kidnapped by scientists, getting knocked up by dead mothers, or having a run-in with the island monster. Things just happened here.

I guess it had worked out for the best since I was on my way to meeting Faith. Harry was right when he said he had a way with talking to Faith, especially lately. Whenever I talked to her we'd either end up yelling at each other or start throwing some punches. I wasn't sure if I was jealous or thankful of how they were able to talk with each other. Probably both. Sundown was coming and I made my way to the beach to meet Faith. I kept my pace regular because I wasn't sure if I wanted to delay the meeting or get there as soon as I could. Probably both.

Once I got to the beach, I stared out at the ocean for a few moments. It had been a while since I'd stepped foot on the sand and it was strange how I'd already gotten used to being out in the sun after spending over two hundred years in the dark. I saw Faith a little ways down the beach. She was just sitting there, waiting. There was a sense of relief that she'd even shown up or that she wasn't hiding somewhere with a stake in her hand.

I walked closer to her and paused for a moment before finally moving to sit next to her. I glanced at her when she spoke, noticing she didn't bother to look at me. I wasn't suprised, but it still stung a little.

"Hey." There were plenty of things to say, some of which she probably didn't want to hear, but I couldn't make myself start in on the heavy stuff.

"Connor said he'd talk to you," I said finally. "And obviously you've already spoken with Harry."

[neverbeenfree]

"Obviously." I echoed hollowly as I rested my chin on my knee and kept lookin' out at the water. I couldn't look at Angel cause I knew the minute I did I was gonna wanna hit him and I was tryin' this new thing where I didn't hit him. Well, at least not until he pissed me off which probably wouldn't take all that long. I was trying, and I think I should get points for that.

"I talked to Connor, he pretty much told me what Harry told me. Funny how it's still not as good as hearing the explanation from you." I said dryly and hey, I have a fucking point. He was the one who turned Harry and then up and ditched me like that. I knew that he probably had reasons for it but did he have any clue what the fuck they put me through the last few days? I should kill them both and frankly if I did I'd feel fucking justified in it.

I was confused, that wasn't really a secret and my feelings were kinda hurt. Yeah, I know everybody always gets surprised at that like I don't even have 'em or something. And maybe I really sucked at this communicating thing, at least that was what my sister pretty much told me every chance she got and considering we'd only just gotten reunited I was takin' it to heart. At least I was trying! God, my prison shrink would be so fuckin' proud of me right now.

[mr_angel]

I pulled my legs up and just looked down when she spoke. It wasn't like I could get angry at her for how she felt because she was justified in all of it. I'd killed and turned her husband. I'd run off into the jungle with his body not minutes after she'd given birth to twins. I was sure racking up the points.

Anything I said right now was bound to piss her off even more, but I couldn't just sit here and say nothing. She was willing to talk, we needed to talk, so we would have to talk. Right?

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "For leaving like I did." I didn't want her to think I was apologizing for everything else because I couldn't be. Sorry for how it hurt her, but not for actually doing it.

"I.." God, how were we supposed to just start this out? "Do you understand? I mean.. do you?"

[neverbeenfree]

"Do I understand?" I asked, finally turning my head so that I was facing him. "Understand that you had some kinda dream that told you to kill Harry. That you turned him so that he could raise his family, like you never got the chance to. That you dragged him off into the jungle so that no one would kill him. Is that what you want me to understand? Cause I've read the cliffnotes, I got the memo but it all seems to gloss over one thing." I bit down on my lower lip a little bit as I looked at him. Maybe I shouldn't have done that but hey I was rockin' the self-control a minute ago, I could do this.

"I understand that you thought you were saving him and maybe you were. I don't know." I sighed. "I understand that you made this huge decision about my life without even bothering to mention it to me. My life, Angel. It's mine. I had the right to know what you were gonna do, you should've told me. And maybe you're right, maybe I would've said no. But maybe I wouldn't have? Maybe you could have made me understand what had to be done, maybe I coulda helped. We'll never know because you never bothered to give me a choice. And I dunno if that's because you don't trust me enough to make the decisions about my own life or if it's just cause you figure you're the authority on what I would want and God, I hope it's not because you just don't care. But I dunno."

I shook my head as I turned back to look at the ocean, the waves crashing against the sand as the sun finally disappeared behind the horizon and plunged us into psuedo-darkness. Nothin' but the light of the moon.

"I don't trust you anymore and obviously you don't trust me. I don't know what to make of this whole Harry thing, you guys are askin' alot of me to let him anywhere near my kids."

[mr_angel]

I listened in silence as she spoke to me. Anger, hurt, confusion, it was all there in her voice. At the very least I owed it to her to get all that she wanted out. She could hit me if she wanted, and frankly I was expecting it, but right now she was staying calm. At least as much as she could.

"The last thing I want is for something, anything, to happen to your children, Faith. Harry is.. you've seen him. You know he's different. He doesn't crave for the things that he might would have if I or any other vampire without a soul turned him instead."

Sighing, I looked at her again. "I didn't ask you or tell you about it partly because I didn't know what I was going to do myself. Maybe I should have, I don't know. Maybe you would have said no or maybe yes, but I wouldn't have asked for your help. Not because I think you couldn't do it or because I don't trust you. I just wouldn't want you to carry that. For you to tell your children that you had a part in it."

I was doing my best to stay as calm as possible in all of this because raising my voice or becoming angry again would only make things worse. I was tired of worse.

"It's your life, but it's his too. But mostly, it was their's. They're not Connor. And they're not mine. I know that, but they're yours and they're his and I don't want them to have anything but something good. A family. What happened with Connor may have been weighing a lot on my mind, but that wasn't why I did it."

[neverbeenfree]

I just sat there, mullin' over everything he'd just said in my head. I hated that he always had to take everything on himself like that, maybe I didn't want him to have to carry it alone. Although don't get me wrong, I was glad that the burden of takin' responsible for Harry's changes didn't lay on me it didn't negate the fact that he'd make way too big of a decision for me. Yeah, he was thinkin' about my kids but they were my kids.

I nodded a little bit so that he'd know I was listening but I was still thinking. So it was true, Angel havin' a soul did somehow effect his spawn or whatever. But Connor had said that Harry didn't have a soul, he was just lacking in bloodlust. Which I couldn't understand because vampires thrive on blood, even Angel. Kinda happens when you eat it, like how I want a double cheeseburger after a good slay. Different in that I probably wouldn't go so far as to kill anyone for said cheeseburger but you get the point. This really wasn't covered in anything I knew about vampires.

"Instead I had to watch you murder him while I was tryin' to have 'em." I said and I knew that it wasn't entirely fair. Or was it? It was the truth. He didn't want me to remember being responsible for it but he had no problem makin' sure that Tyler and Alexia's births were as traumatizing as possible. "I get that you were tryin' to do the right thing but it's been hell here, Angel. I don't know what I'm doing." I shook my head as I finally stood up off the beach and brushed the sand off of my pants.

"So where does that leave us? You go back into the jungle to play hide and seek with Harry and I pretend that everything's cool out here until I can somehow think of a foolproof way to let Harry see his kids without puttin' them in any danger of being eaten. It's not good enough."

[mr_angel]

"If I hadn't done it then, it would have been too late." It didn't make things any better, but it was the truth. Before that I hadn't decided exactly what I was going to do. Maybe I'd been leaning one way over the other, but the final decision wasn't made until seconds before it all went down. "I wish there had been another way to do it, but there's not. It happened and there's nothing I can do about it now."

She didn't know what she was doing, but fuck if I knew anything of what I was doing either. Siring might not have been, but all the rest was new territory for me. Especially having to explain why I killed and turned someone.

In my mind, I could hear her talking to me back in the hatch. How she couldn't do it alone and needed him here to help raise their children. Did she remember any of that? I didn't know but now really wasn't the time to remind her and throw it back in her face.

Faith stood up from the sand, but for the time being I just sat there still. "I didn't do this so that he could possibly hurt them. I don't know if you want me in the same room with the kids, but I'm not going to let him hurt either of them. For what it's worth, I promise you that."

[neverbeenfree]

I felt like I was talkin' to Harry again, and he was making himself as small as possible so that I would trust him. God, they really had been spendin' too much time around eachother.

"Thanks." I said emotionlessly as I looked down at him. "That would mean a lot to me if I trusted you." Which I don't, but I'd already gotten that part across and fuck if he wasn't doing an even better impression of Harry with that kicked puppy look. What was I supposed to do with that?

It wasn't just this whole Harry thing either, at least not in the sense that he'd killed Harry and pretty much shoveled all of this crap down my throat tellin' me that it all made sense somehow. Things had been weird since before we left on the trip, and yeah I remembered the fucking Faithy. I remembered it. I didn't know if that was a sure sign that he was slipping or just the fact that he wanted me to feel small. Which I guess was sort of negated by the way he was acting around me now.

"I feel like an idiot. Maybe it's not fair but for so long I thought you were something more than what you are. That somehow you always know what to do or that you always make the right choices, because you know what you're doing. Y'know B and Giles freaked out when you took over Wolfram and Hart but hey, you're Angel you know what you're doing, right? Every single time I had your back and I probably put you up on some pedestool which wasn't cool, there was no way you were ever gonna live up to that. Maybe it's not fair and maybe I just expected way too much out of you when you're a guy, like all the rest but I can't help but feel a little stupid and a little disappointed that I believed in you. Because I don't know what I'm supposed to believe in and I don't know what to trust. Things happened in that room that I don't even wanna think about cause we all went a little crazy but you fucking lost it. Don't try to blind me with the selflessness of your act when I saw you make Harry into your fruitsnack before babies were even a possibility. You murdered him, you wanted to. Don't make it about me and don't make it about my kids. I know what we are, I guess somehow in my head you were just better than that."

[mr_angel]

I already knew coming here that she didn't trust me, but it stung to actually hear say it in so many words. Before it all went down, I thought about what would happen between the two of us. Now I guess I was starting to really find out.

Then when she started talking, I just sat there and listened to her. She kept going, not stopping, and so I looked up at her. Talk about her not being able to look at me in the same light anymore. Or placing me just a little too high. Yeah, I might not have asked for it, but I'd benefited from the way she looked at me in the past hadn't I? Not that I really ever thought I deserved to be placed where she put me, but I took it since she offered it.

"I can't make any excuses to you, Faith. I might not have asked for you to have expected more out of me the way you did, but I accepted it. When it comes to what happened in that room, I can't answer why it happened. I.. it was more than just him or the blood or me going crazy for a couple of days. There's no logical explaination and I can't begin to actually give you a reason - even a bad one - as to why what happened, happened."

Sighing, I pulled myself up and stood next to her. "Maybe I wanted to, but that wasn't the reason. If I killed him simply because I wanted to, I would've done it long before then and probably in that room. It's not like I didn't think about it."

I thought about adding in that Harry wasn't exactly running away from my teeth at the time but was the exact opposite. She knew that already and it wouldn't do any good to place blame on someone else right now.

"I'm not better than that. Sometimes I like to think I am and hey, sometimes I might even convince myself. But then this happens and I know I'm not. I killed him and even though it wasn't because I wanted to? I got something out of it. Some kind of pleasure, a high, whatever. I can't change that. And I'm not asking you to trust me again or at least to trust me like you used to. I'm asking you to go against all of your instincts as a slayer and now as a mother and give me the chance and to give Harry the chance to be a father."

[neverbeenfree]

I narrowed my eyes up at him. He wasn't askin' me to trust him, he just wanted me to go against all of my instincts as both a slayer and a mother and give them a chance? Did he even hear the words that were comin' out of his mouth? He was askin' me to trust him and the sad truth was I just fucking couldn't. How could he even ask me to do something like that after everything that's happened? I might be dumb but I'm not stupid.

"It's okay." I said with a shrug, suddenly flashin' back to that room when I was desperately tryin' to reassure the two of them that I was okay, even though I wasn't. Why was it my destiny to be permanantly surrounded by the Lost Boys? Fuckin' boy drama. I don't have time to glue damaged little boys back together and personally I don't want to. "I'm not better than that either. But....I have to try."

And check it out, this is me flashing back over my whole damn life. All the boys that came before and all the times I walked away. There were times that I didn't want to, that I knew I should've stayed and tried....something. I dunno what. Anything to help. I could've helped, I could've saved someone but I didn't want to. And I don't want to now either. Not even for Angel. I used to be so independent didn't I? I used to not care. And granted I didn't really wanna go back to the empty shell of a person I used to be but I needed a little bit of that fire back. I'd spent too long lettin' them trap me, puttin' me away and keeping me. I wasn't gonna do that anymore. It was long past time to walk away from this whole mess, because I been miserable ever since it first started. And I deserve to be happy, so do my kids.

So there it was, I told him it was okay and he would have to live with that. But there was still one last little burning question in my mind.

"Did you fuck him?"

I had to know.

[mr_angel]

I frowned and stared at her when she said she was okay. Was that.. it? She'd gotten everything out and just like that she was okay? Yeah, I wasn't buying it at all, especially with the way she sounded.

Frankly, the way she was keeping quiet and not letting loose was starting to make me a little or maybe a lot nervous. It just wasn't the way we normally handled things. Fuck we'd usually either fight it out or yell at each other until we were both blue in the face. This? Was different.

But then again. This entire situation was just a little different than what we normally fought or disagreed over.

I wasn't sure what to say after that. She was quiet, said she would try, but was.. quiet. What would we do next? I wanted to bring up what she wanted to do with finding a way to let Harry see his children, but I wasn't sure how to-

Wait, what?

"No," I said defiantely. "I didn't fuck him."

[neverbeenfree]

I smiled slightly, kind of wryly, not a real smile. Course he didn't fuck him, but you couldn't blame me for asking. Not that it really mattered either way. Neither one of them had ever really belonged to me, not in the way that I wanted them to.

"When I was a kid my mom, she was always wrapped up in all of these guys, ya know? Like me and my sister didn't even exist when they were around. And they'd be makin' her all these promises all the time and she'd eat it the fuck up. They never kept 'em of course, always just in and out treatin' her like shit and she'd go back for more."

Where was I going with this little confession? I think I was tryin' to make a point in there somewhere, I better get to it though cause Angel looked confused.

"That probably would've gone on forever if I hadn't left or the last one hadn't finally just killed her. But it didn't even matter to her, you could look in her eyes but nobody was lookin' back. She was totally gone, she wasn't even alive. We weren't enough for her. I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna be wrapped up in this drama with you and Harry anymore. I told Harry he could see the kids but I have a few conditions. He has to be tied up and I want Connor and Kennedy there with me until he can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's no threat to Alexia or Tyler. And you need to prove that to me too, because until then I don't want you anywhere near them or me."

I watched him carefully but it was always hard to make out exactly what was goin' on in Angel's head. That was partly why he was so dangerous. I took a step back from him.

"I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want you, and I don't want Harry. If you love me or whatever like you say you do, you'll back off."

Cause I always believed it when people told me that they loved me. Not.

With that I turned around and started headin' back down the beach, this eerily familiar feeling stayin' with me the whole way.

Another one bites the dust.