Hallo hallo
Well, I'm getting better. I'm still not ready to jump back to MySpace, so I'm dumping stuff here again til that time comes. I used to feel as though I was, well, cheating on you guys by going over there, until I realized the vast majority of you were over there as well, and those who weren't probably had heard enough of my pissing and moaning that seeing my few and far between entries get fewer and farther between probably wasn't a huge loss for you.
So, anyway, yeah. I'm getting a better grip on the whole deal, I think. Or more likely the distance that comes with time and complete cessation of communication is taking the edge off, as time does to everything. I do find myself wondering if being completely absent from her life is the way to go, mostly because I feel as though that was a mistake I made out of pride back before the pregnancy. Now that the pregnancy is here, though, and it seems a solid decision has been made on her part, not being part of her life in any fashion seems like the safe bet for both of us. Still, if there are feeling still there on her part...
And so the cycle goes.
I used to wonder if I could ever be a true writer if I either a) never experienced an emotional pain like this or b) didn't experiment heavily with drugs (which would likely eventually CAUSE a pain like this). I think I found my answer. In the days immediately following the initial revelation, I realized that writing was the only thing that took up every available inch in my head, and therefore was the only thing that could keep me from thinking about the situation. Even cooking, which I normally enjoy, had parts that were mechanical enough to allow my brain leeway to start playing over the past. And so I got, oh, about 67 pages into a brand new screenplay before I knew it.
I can tell now that I'm calming down, overall, as the frantic urgency there at the start has died down. I will finish this one, though; I know exactly what I want to do and have, oh, three possible endings, so unlike past projects, I can see a finish. I'm giving myself til the end of the month, and considering I do next to nothing here at work I should have ample time to do so. At such time, I'll be enlisting a few of you for read overs, should you have time and inclination (I'm sure the thing's going to end up a behemoth, probably in the 150 page range, and will be badly in need of trimming). Also, finishing this will be a step in life I'll take for myself, a step away from how I'd begun to envision things for Christina and I. She wanted a baby (presumably multiple), and she's working on what she wants in her life. I want to be a screenwriter (and possibly act/direct, if I can learn enough about it), so fuck it, I'll at least finish one, even if it never gets picked up.
As to that lessening of urgency thing-I got a Circuit City gift card from my brother and sister-in-law for Christmas (I know, but I don't think they really read the papers much), and figured I'd better hurry and unload the thing as quick as I could. I picked up the first 4 seasons of The Office. Coincidentally, it's been ridiculously cold the past week or so and I've been ill to varying degress, so I've been camped out on my broken down couch under a down comforter for about 5 days. They weren't necessarily the most productive days (didn't even make it into the shower yesterday) and Saturday night was spent in a vomit and diarrhea puntcuated haze, but I got through all of them, deleted scenes included. I haven't laughed that hard in quite a while, so it was definitely worth it. And the blooper reels energized me on the writing thing again-how much fun would THAT be as a job?
(And like I told T yesterday-Pam and Jim made it through 3 years, her engagement to Roy, Jim's move to Stamford, his dating Karen and his near mutilation at Roy's hand. All I'm facing is a baby and a doormat fireman, right? Pfft. Cake.)
So, that's the state of things. Still haven't started a Facebook, since I'm not certain I wouldn't end up being faced with Christina in some fashion. I'm getting to be okay with the thought of how things are, but being visually reminded of them isn't something I'm up for yet, I don't think. LJ is unknown enough that I feel safe I won't be presented with some photo of the two of them or some damnable update on her pregnancy.
Speaking of, where's Lib? Has Josie joined us?
So, anyway, yeah. I'm getting a better grip on the whole deal, I think. Or more likely the distance that comes with time and complete cessation of communication is taking the edge off, as time does to everything. I do find myself wondering if being completely absent from her life is the way to go, mostly because I feel as though that was a mistake I made out of pride back before the pregnancy. Now that the pregnancy is here, though, and it seems a solid decision has been made on her part, not being part of her life in any fashion seems like the safe bet for both of us. Still, if there are feeling still there on her part...
And so the cycle goes.
I used to wonder if I could ever be a true writer if I either a) never experienced an emotional pain like this or b) didn't experiment heavily with drugs (which would likely eventually CAUSE a pain like this). I think I found my answer. In the days immediately following the initial revelation, I realized that writing was the only thing that took up every available inch in my head, and therefore was the only thing that could keep me from thinking about the situation. Even cooking, which I normally enjoy, had parts that were mechanical enough to allow my brain leeway to start playing over the past. And so I got, oh, about 67 pages into a brand new screenplay before I knew it.
I can tell now that I'm calming down, overall, as the frantic urgency there at the start has died down. I will finish this one, though; I know exactly what I want to do and have, oh, three possible endings, so unlike past projects, I can see a finish. I'm giving myself til the end of the month, and considering I do next to nothing here at work I should have ample time to do so. At such time, I'll be enlisting a few of you for read overs, should you have time and inclination (I'm sure the thing's going to end up a behemoth, probably in the 150 page range, and will be badly in need of trimming). Also, finishing this will be a step in life I'll take for myself, a step away from how I'd begun to envision things for Christina and I. She wanted a baby (presumably multiple), and she's working on what she wants in her life. I want to be a screenwriter (and possibly act/direct, if I can learn enough about it), so fuck it, I'll at least finish one, even if it never gets picked up.
As to that lessening of urgency thing-I got a Circuit City gift card from my brother and sister-in-law for Christmas (I know, but I don't think they really read the papers much), and figured I'd better hurry and unload the thing as quick as I could. I picked up the first 4 seasons of The Office. Coincidentally, it's been ridiculously cold the past week or so and I've been ill to varying degress, so I've been camped out on my broken down couch under a down comforter for about 5 days. They weren't necessarily the most productive days (didn't even make it into the shower yesterday) and Saturday night was spent in a vomit and diarrhea puntcuated haze, but I got through all of them, deleted scenes included. I haven't laughed that hard in quite a while, so it was definitely worth it. And the blooper reels energized me on the writing thing again-how much fun would THAT be as a job?
(And like I told T yesterday-Pam and Jim made it through 3 years, her engagement to Roy, Jim's move to Stamford, his dating Karen and his near mutilation at Roy's hand. All I'm facing is a baby and a doormat fireman, right? Pfft. Cake.)
So, that's the state of things. Still haven't started a Facebook, since I'm not certain I wouldn't end up being faced with Christina in some fashion. I'm getting to be okay with the thought of how things are, but being visually reminded of them isn't something I'm up for yet, I don't think. LJ is unknown enough that I feel safe I won't be presented with some photo of the two of them or some damnable update on her pregnancy.
Speaking of, where's Lib? Has Josie joined us?