Evidence that, though I don't post, I do read here...
Well, should LJ fall to pieces, I suppose I shall bite the bullet and open a Facebook account, though I don't really want to. I'm on hiatus from MySpace as it is, and have been resisting getting onto Facebook so I don't feel compelled to operate two sites at once. However, it appears I'll likely lose contact with some of you if I don't, so I'll wait it out for a bit to see what happens. If LJ does cease to be, you can contact me at flypsyde3 at comcast dot net for the relevant information. I'll scan through recent posts for links and addresses from you guys.
And I guess
So, since last we've all talked, I've fallen in love and then completely lost it and my mind. And no, this isn't the same dumb shit I've gone through multiple times before. This one was absolutely real, and true to my own personal form, it has landed me in a specatcularly fucked up situation.
Christina and I met in July of 07, and started dating at the start of October of that year. I can remember, the first morning after we'd been together, thinking that even though this woman was not someone I'd normally see myself dating, I was having more fun lying in bed laughing with her than I could remember having with anyone else.
But me being me, that thought didn't hang around long. Or, rather, the first half did, but the second half didn't. I fell right back into my old pattern of one foot in, one foot out, and always looking past what was right in front of me. I was distant, kept distance between us in order to keep from getting too entangled in something I had come to believe was only going to be temporary. So by the time March rolled around, we were through. Thought we were through, anyway-inside of three weeks, we were talking again. She'd hooked up with a guy who turned around and cheated on her after, and I was going through breakup remorse. So throughout the summer, we went back and forth with whether or not we wanted to be back together. And during those conversations, when we'd talk without the pressure of two people being in an unfulfilling and draining relationship, we realized we really did like each other. I began to see I was doing the same shit I had before, keeping myself from being fully in the relationship. We found it was possible for us to have fun around each other. I forced myself to take time to really think about it, because I needed to be sure that I wasn't fired up over getting back something I couldn't have at one point. That's what had happened with Sarah, my first girlfriend, and there was no way I was going to do that to myself or Christina.
There was one point, though, I remember clearly in late July, where something just fell into place for me. For the first time ever, I could see a future with someone. I had no problem, no fear, and no hesitation. And that felt GOOD. But I'd taken too long to figure that out, and she'd started seeing another guy. I have to say, I didn't really feel threatened. I still felt as though she and I had a real connection, and thus I was confident that she'd see things for how they were. We saw each other a couple of times-she came close to cheating on him with me, actually-and after each conversation, I felt more and more sure we'd find our way back to each other. I didn't feel as though I should push things, though, because I thought things would be better if she made the decision to leave him on her own, without me constantly applying pressure to her or interfering in their lives overly much. So I stopped seeing her in person, and just left it to texts and the occasional phone call.
In October and November, things seemed to be turning around. I was getting more texts, and they were of the "not sure if I'm doing the right thing with my life" and "I still think about you all the time" ilk. And to be fair, I was at the same point, texting her once or twice to say I missed her and hoped she was doing well. I really felt she was on her way back to me. The Friday before Thanksgiving, she started a late night conversation that once again included the "can't stop thinking about you" meme.
And then the next Tuesday, she tells me she's pregnant.
I've been unspooled to some degree ever since. It's been six weeks now since I've had any communication with her, and considering that in the 18 months we've known each other we've never gone more than two weeks without something, it's been rough.
I don't know where to go from here, I guess. Never before have I had nights where I hoped I wasn't going to wake up. I would never attempt anything, don't worry, but at the same time just flipping the switch while I was sleeping, going out peacefully, didn't seem a bad idea at all. Those nights don't happen now, thankfully. I leaned on friends and found ways through the days, so that mindset is gone. I still have nights where I beat myself up so badly I can hardly stand to be awake, but I still want to wake up.
Man, I still wander all over the place when I think about this.
The last conversation we had, the night before Thanksgiving, I laid everything out. I told her that the baby didn't have to be an end for us if she didn't want it to be. I meant it. Hell, I probably still mean it, though I've had time now to build up some anger and disappointment. Quite a few people thought that was stupid (oddly, it was mostly women who thought that), but I still don't regret saying it.
Maybe the naysayers I've talked to are right, and she wasn't doing anything but playing me the whole time. But I can't buy that. I just can't. I have never once gotten that impression from her. I think she was honest the whole time, and I think she still loves me and thinks about me. I'm sure of that, actually. Still, it was never enough for her to come back to me, even after she knew how I really felt (but before the pregnancy). I suppose that should tell me something as well.
So I wait, in a fashion. The baby was unexpected, of that I'm certain. They'd only been together for about four months before this news, and for the entirety of that time, she was still speaking to me. The odds are as much against them as nearly anyone else, I guess. I try to keep my eyes open, for opportunities with other women, but in the back of my mind she's still there.
God I suck at this relationship shit. There are more details, specific episodes that emphasize my points, but they aren't the proudest moments and probably don't need to be brought out into the open.
I can tell you one thing, though, falling in love for the first time when you're thirty-three sucks out loud.
And I guess
So, since last we've all talked, I've fallen in love and then completely lost it and my mind. And no, this isn't the same dumb shit I've gone through multiple times before. This one was absolutely real, and true to my own personal form, it has landed me in a specatcularly fucked up situation.
Christina and I met in July of 07, and started dating at the start of October of that year. I can remember, the first morning after we'd been together, thinking that even though this woman was not someone I'd normally see myself dating, I was having more fun lying in bed laughing with her than I could remember having with anyone else.
But me being me, that thought didn't hang around long. Or, rather, the first half did, but the second half didn't. I fell right back into my old pattern of one foot in, one foot out, and always looking past what was right in front of me. I was distant, kept distance between us in order to keep from getting too entangled in something I had come to believe was only going to be temporary. So by the time March rolled around, we were through. Thought we were through, anyway-inside of three weeks, we were talking again. She'd hooked up with a guy who turned around and cheated on her after, and I was going through breakup remorse. So throughout the summer, we went back and forth with whether or not we wanted to be back together. And during those conversations, when we'd talk without the pressure of two people being in an unfulfilling and draining relationship, we realized we really did like each other. I began to see I was doing the same shit I had before, keeping myself from being fully in the relationship. We found it was possible for us to have fun around each other. I forced myself to take time to really think about it, because I needed to be sure that I wasn't fired up over getting back something I couldn't have at one point. That's what had happened with Sarah, my first girlfriend, and there was no way I was going to do that to myself or Christina.
There was one point, though, I remember clearly in late July, where something just fell into place for me. For the first time ever, I could see a future with someone. I had no problem, no fear, and no hesitation. And that felt GOOD. But I'd taken too long to figure that out, and she'd started seeing another guy. I have to say, I didn't really feel threatened. I still felt as though she and I had a real connection, and thus I was confident that she'd see things for how they were. We saw each other a couple of times-she came close to cheating on him with me, actually-and after each conversation, I felt more and more sure we'd find our way back to each other. I didn't feel as though I should push things, though, because I thought things would be better if she made the decision to leave him on her own, without me constantly applying pressure to her or interfering in their lives overly much. So I stopped seeing her in person, and just left it to texts and the occasional phone call.
In October and November, things seemed to be turning around. I was getting more texts, and they were of the "not sure if I'm doing the right thing with my life" and "I still think about you all the time" ilk. And to be fair, I was at the same point, texting her once or twice to say I missed her and hoped she was doing well. I really felt she was on her way back to me. The Friday before Thanksgiving, she started a late night conversation that once again included the "can't stop thinking about you" meme.
And then the next Tuesday, she tells me she's pregnant.
I've been unspooled to some degree ever since. It's been six weeks now since I've had any communication with her, and considering that in the 18 months we've known each other we've never gone more than two weeks without something, it's been rough.
I don't know where to go from here, I guess. Never before have I had nights where I hoped I wasn't going to wake up. I would never attempt anything, don't worry, but at the same time just flipping the switch while I was sleeping, going out peacefully, didn't seem a bad idea at all. Those nights don't happen now, thankfully. I leaned on friends and found ways through the days, so that mindset is gone. I still have nights where I beat myself up so badly I can hardly stand to be awake, but I still want to wake up.
Man, I still wander all over the place when I think about this.
The last conversation we had, the night before Thanksgiving, I laid everything out. I told her that the baby didn't have to be an end for us if she didn't want it to be. I meant it. Hell, I probably still mean it, though I've had time now to build up some anger and disappointment. Quite a few people thought that was stupid (oddly, it was mostly women who thought that), but I still don't regret saying it.
Maybe the naysayers I've talked to are right, and she wasn't doing anything but playing me the whole time. But I can't buy that. I just can't. I have never once gotten that impression from her. I think she was honest the whole time, and I think she still loves me and thinks about me. I'm sure of that, actually. Still, it was never enough for her to come back to me, even after she knew how I really felt (but before the pregnancy). I suppose that should tell me something as well.
So I wait, in a fashion. The baby was unexpected, of that I'm certain. They'd only been together for about four months before this news, and for the entirety of that time, she was still speaking to me. The odds are as much against them as nearly anyone else, I guess. I try to keep my eyes open, for opportunities with other women, but in the back of my mind she's still there.
God I suck at this relationship shit. There are more details, specific episodes that emphasize my points, but they aren't the proudest moments and probably don't need to be brought out into the open.
I can tell you one thing, though, falling in love for the first time when you're thirty-three sucks out loud.