...
yesterday was an interesting day.
it was bad. but it was good. and it hurt. but it made me feel better.
i was exhausted. like...just being awake was the part that hurt. i was going to go home. then i thought i'd be fine as long as i didn't go to practice. because...i just didn't want to run 5 miles like that.
so, of course, i went to practice. i don't even remember where we ran.
but i remember getting back at the end.
i think that's when i'm supposed to remember feeling really good about myself because i was strong in the face of adversity. or something.
i'll admit, i really felt like i'd accomplished something, but at the same time, i felt like i "should" feel ashamed. however i explained it, my mother would (on a side note, what the fuck was the noise i just heard?) just ask why i went if i didn't feel well. my father would get it, he ran track. but he'd probably still remind me i didn't have to go if i really didn't want to.
zero pressure.
but HOW DO YOU FUCKING LIVE LIKE THAT?
if you never felt pressured, what would you do?...and more importantly, what wouldn't you do?
I have never believed that I could really be forced to do something. obviously, i could be forced to WANT to do something by some reward or punishment but...i always thought i'd never absolutely HAVE to do something. i think that's what bothers me about death. it's not that i'm afraid of the end of my life...it's that i have no choice. if i could let go of that, well it wouldn't really solve any grand problems, but it'd be relieving.
that might not be so profound.
either way,
i'm not lazy. i just don't do things until i think i should. unfortunately i have no concept of time. so i usually think i should do things after i should actually do them. i think they call it bad timing.
anyway.
i could be doing worse.
much, much worse.
it would be unnecessarily cliche to say "at least, that's what they want me to think."
but i admit, they would want me to think that.
it was bad. but it was good. and it hurt. but it made me feel better.
i was exhausted. like...just being awake was the part that hurt. i was going to go home. then i thought i'd be fine as long as i didn't go to practice. because...i just didn't want to run 5 miles like that.
so, of course, i went to practice. i don't even remember where we ran.
but i remember getting back at the end.
i think that's when i'm supposed to remember feeling really good about myself because i was strong in the face of adversity. or something.
i'll admit, i really felt like i'd accomplished something, but at the same time, i felt like i "should" feel ashamed. however i explained it, my mother would (on a side note, what the fuck was the noise i just heard?) just ask why i went if i didn't feel well. my father would get it, he ran track. but he'd probably still remind me i didn't have to go if i really didn't want to.
zero pressure.
but HOW DO YOU FUCKING LIVE LIKE THAT?
if you never felt pressured, what would you do?...and more importantly, what wouldn't you do?
I have never believed that I could really be forced to do something. obviously, i could be forced to WANT to do something by some reward or punishment but...i always thought i'd never absolutely HAVE to do something. i think that's what bothers me about death. it's not that i'm afraid of the end of my life...it's that i have no choice. if i could let go of that, well it wouldn't really solve any grand problems, but it'd be relieving.
that might not be so profound.
either way,
i'm not lazy. i just don't do things until i think i should. unfortunately i have no concept of time. so i usually think i should do things after i should actually do them. i think they call it bad timing.
anyway.
i could be doing worse.
much, much worse.
it would be unnecessarily cliche to say "at least, that's what they want me to think."
but i admit, they would want me to think that.