(no subject)
Am I wanting too much?!? I absolutely, completely, and now perhaps I wonder blindly gave my heart and soul to this man, but was it prudent? I mean, does he feel the same or am I just a neat toy to have around every now and again? I'm just really hurting tonight and it's forcing my insecurities to the forefront of my brain. I just don't understand, just not at all, I thought he knew how much I wanted to be a part of that aspect of his world, how much I wanted him to be a part of mine, but tonight I kind of watched it all crumble and it's really hard to take.
I'm into BDSM, I enjoy it and it's a part of my life, which it is to some extent, a "lifestyle". I've never had a Dom specifically for me, I've played with various Doms, done scenes and such, enjoyed what they gave me and the experience, but never had had one to specifically call, mine. Well, so now I've got a boyfriend who's interested in the lifestyle and who is learning the finer points of being a Dom. I guess actually, now that I think about it, perhaps the issue here is me, perhaps I was and am "jumping the gun" so to speak, assuming that just because he's my boyfriend that he would automatically want to become my Dom as well. That just kind of hit me as I was sitting here writing this, it hurt very badly today to see him drive off, knowing that he might be going to play with another sub when he's not so much as ever done anything with me. We did do one scene at home once, it kind of had a bit of a bad ending, he was still pretty new and hadn't learned the finer points of aftercare yet, but the actual scene was amazing, he very good, has a natural ability to him. But each month at Sabbat, nothing, and really, except for that one time, there's been nothing at home either. Now I would have a completely different outlook on the situation had he been asking and I turning him down, a very big reality lately as I've been very skittish recently with pain. That's the thing though, he's not even asking! He talks about building this toy and that toy and whatnot and each time he talks about it I get all excited and hopeful, but for no reason. So, this has been going on and whatnot, and honestly, when I started this blog I had some very different thoughts on the matter, but now I realize it's just me needing to get used to the idea that he doesn't feel that I'm the right sub for him, why he hasn't just come out and told me this I have no earthly idea, but he hasn't and I've just been sitting here wondering what I've done wrong for no reason, I just need to get over it and accept it. *breath* I suppose now my challenge will switch to the idea of my boyfriend working with another sub, I think I may have to get used to this idea...
I'm into BDSM, I enjoy it and it's a part of my life, which it is to some extent, a "lifestyle". I've never had a Dom specifically for me, I've played with various Doms, done scenes and such, enjoyed what they gave me and the experience, but never had had one to specifically call, mine. Well, so now I've got a boyfriend who's interested in the lifestyle and who is learning the finer points of being a Dom. I guess actually, now that I think about it, perhaps the issue here is me, perhaps I was and am "jumping the gun" so to speak, assuming that just because he's my boyfriend that he would automatically want to become my Dom as well. That just kind of hit me as I was sitting here writing this, it hurt very badly today to see him drive off, knowing that he might be going to play with another sub when he's not so much as ever done anything with me. We did do one scene at home once, it kind of had a bit of a bad ending, he was still pretty new and hadn't learned the finer points of aftercare yet, but the actual scene was amazing, he very good, has a natural ability to him. But each month at Sabbat, nothing, and really, except for that one time, there's been nothing at home either. Now I would have a completely different outlook on the situation had he been asking and I turning him down, a very big reality lately as I've been very skittish recently with pain. That's the thing though, he's not even asking! He talks about building this toy and that toy and whatnot and each time he talks about it I get all excited and hopeful, but for no reason. So, this has been going on and whatnot, and honestly, when I started this blog I had some very different thoughts on the matter, but now I realize it's just me needing to get used to the idea that he doesn't feel that I'm the right sub for him, why he hasn't just come out and told me this I have no earthly idea, but he hasn't and I've just been sitting here wondering what I've done wrong for no reason, I just need to get over it and accept it. *breath* I suppose now my challenge will switch to the idea of my boyfriend working with another sub, I think I may have to get used to this idea...