The Big Blue Bugger... Well Swag Off
This week... I can't imagine how I'm going to make it...
There is no light at the end of the tunnel
Sometimes I feel like there are two of me (minimum)... One has spent so much time pretending to be someone I'm not, or not feeling at that time. Happy, social, upbeat, ambitious, fun, skinny, worthwhile, interesting, capable, smart.... But usually just happy and oblivious with no wicked black heart that can barely feel it's heart beat.
And I wonder, what happened to me? And then I question, but was that even me?
I'm at an utter loss as to who I even am anymore.
When I chill with my friends, am I happy because the "Happy Me" mask forces me to put on the attitude that I have a life, friends, fun...
But am I really having fun... Not really... And it's not their fault, they are the funnest people ever. Some do a better job at making me forget than others, but still, great, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, ridiculously awesome, funny friends. And I don't really deserve them...
You wanna know what's really sad... I did have a Happy High this month... wanna know why... cause I blew $300 dollars+ shopping for things I probably didn't really need. And I had a natural high... Sad right?
And right now I'm really contemplating going shopping again tomorrow or the day after if shops are closed for MLK... It's like I developed an OCD complex for risks and shopping...
But in reality, when the day ends, I find an excuse to shut myself in my room, or house, and do nothing but rot my brain with day dreams, nightmares, childish thoughts, foolish games, facebooking, television, reading, etc.... That's the "Sad Mask" falling back into place.
And I wonder, is it a mask? Or is it just me... Am I really this pathetic.
And I'm ready to stop with the world.. just go to class and come home... be just whatever... Or maybe even not make it to class... just end the world
There is no light at the end of the tunnel
Sometimes I feel like there are two of me (minimum)... One has spent so much time pretending to be someone I'm not, or not feeling at that time. Happy, social, upbeat, ambitious, fun, skinny, worthwhile, interesting, capable, smart.... But usually just happy and oblivious with no wicked black heart that can barely feel it's heart beat.
And I wonder, what happened to me? And then I question, but was that even me?
I'm at an utter loss as to who I even am anymore.
When I chill with my friends, am I happy because the "Happy Me" mask forces me to put on the attitude that I have a life, friends, fun...
But am I really having fun... Not really... And it's not their fault, they are the funnest people ever. Some do a better job at making me forget than others, but still, great, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, ridiculously awesome, funny friends. And I don't really deserve them...
You wanna know what's really sad... I did have a Happy High this month... wanna know why... cause I blew $300 dollars+ shopping for things I probably didn't really need. And I had a natural high... Sad right?
And right now I'm really contemplating going shopping again tomorrow or the day after if shops are closed for MLK... It's like I developed an OCD complex for risks and shopping...
But in reality, when the day ends, I find an excuse to shut myself in my room, or house, and do nothing but rot my brain with day dreams, nightmares, childish thoughts, foolish games, facebooking, television, reading, etc.... That's the "Sad Mask" falling back into place.
And I wonder, is it a mask? Or is it just me... Am I really this pathetic.
And I'm ready to stop with the world.. just go to class and come home... be just whatever... Or maybe even not make it to class... just end the world